As a changeling gets the worst end of the invasion, she realizes she had been fighting for something she never wanted. Wounded and alone, her fate seems sealed – but when do things ever turn out as expected?
Not when meeting the Crystal Alchemist, that much is certain. Especially not while he is faced with Bon-Bon and Lyra, in trouble way too deep for comfort.
Honestly, descriptions. After countless versions of this one, I still liked none. Reading the beginning hardly helps, since that should be tagged dark and not romance. If you react to this story like Button Mash to the pong machine, sorry about that.
Chapters (5)
There were multiple alterations shortly after the first chapter was published and quite a few later on.
Any sort of comment would be nice. I'm pretty new to this and not a native speaker, but I can learn if I know where to look.
This post was edited a lot too. Sorry for being an editing freak, but as I learn I want to change things all the time.
This is interesting. I can't wait to see what you do with it
I'm gonna re-read these first two, to refresh my memory and it just feels weird starting at the third chapter even if i remember what happens.
Everyone: please tell me if you notice anything -- especially on what keeps this interesting and what might throw readers off.
As a newbie who writes only sporadically and someone who usually has an, uhm, peculiar view-point, I'm bound to write things that don't connect to readers, or even alienate them. I wonder, how many readers would carefully read until some point in chapters two or three, then consider it boring and jump off?
Those mental scenes. If I read them above a certain speed, they disconnect and become little more than a sequence of descriptive words. If that happens to a typical reader, I might as well write the story telegraph style. Or scrap it for that matter, as it becomes pointless.
The problem is that I can read almost anything like that. The only way to disable that ability for me is to spam a scene with so much irrelevant description that it feels bloated. That would still be better than "disconnected" readers, but probably I'm missing a better alternative.
So: clearly the story isn't executed well enough. But I can't find the weakest link on my own. I just keep reiterating minor changes, feeling like a kid that tries to learn math without a teacher. Though able to solve some exercises, the solutions are still ugly, suboptimal, and painfully slowly created.
I'll think about this for a bit -- and may start another major editing spree should I get an idea. Again, I'd be happy about any hints.
This really is actually great so far!
...
That has weird wording, but oh well.
Huppuh~
Really though, this story is genuinely interesting to me, and I wish more people would take the time to read it. I almost can't wait to see what you do with the story now.
Wish I had more to say about it, but I guess it'll just have to wait until I have more to read.
Yay, feedback!
Really glad you both like it!
I did another full edit yesterday, but the only notable changes are the very first and third scenes (descriptions of the battlefield and the tainted forest added), plus some more clarity in Chapter 3. One timing fix is also in there -- it's a relief to me that you like the pacing and flow of time, Gregonator. I had the feeling I was pushing my luck a little, so I had an extra look at it.
As for introducing Crimson Leaf: I guess that's true. Focus in on Shirei for now; I fear more exposition would slow down the story too much. If Crimson piques curiosity, that's not necessarily bad, I guess... for a while.
Chapter 4 is awaiting the final edit; it's just one scene though, 4-digit symbol count. So I guess it won't be an April's Fools joke. No early release though, drafting #5 comes before more editing. 'Till Tuesday then!
Some points through this story are confusing. Gonna keep reading, though.
OOH, I'm on the edge of my seat. Would Creepy really kill her. What will Lyra do. Will Shirei have the solution. SO many questions. I cant wait for the next chapter.
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Can you please tell me what you find confusing? Just a rough idea, so I know where to look.
I could add to landscape description and character movement, or character thoughts, or details and interpretation of dialogue, or the story's current focal point... I just don't know which would help best, so I'd love hints about how it feels to read the story.
Not really sure. Lol
Ill have to read it through again to figure out how to pinpoint it. It may just be me missing some minor detail that was pointed out earlier.
I think shirei was adorabpe with the immitation of creepy guy. Would love to see a video of that.
Mmm. That feeling when ponies like you for you, even though you're a changeling. It's the main reason I read changeling fics. This whole chapter got pretty intense, especially when everypony was at each others throats. I'm glad Shirei was able to smack some sense into them. I wonder if anyone unexpected is going to arrive at the picnic... keep it up!
If i could just take her in, she would never be starved of love!
that awkward moment when you get robbed again.....dont die
*pokes story*
fun story with an adorable ending, but I do hope you come up with more.