Chapter 28 - Cupcakes
It was about eleven o’clock in the morning in mid-October, with the sun not shining and a look of hard, wet rain in the clearness of the foothills. I was standing in the hallway of old Stern Wood’s place. Above the doors which could have let in a troop of elephants, there was a stained glass panel showing a guard in bright, shining armour rescuing a pretty mare tied to a tree. She had no clothes on but she had a very long and, convenient, mane. He was fiddling with the knots and not getting anywhere. If I lived in this house I thought that sooner or later I would have to climb up there and help him; he didn’t seem to be really trying.
I waited for the butler to come back. I was wearing my powder blue suit, dark blue shirt, tie and display handkerchief, and two pairs of black brogues on my hooves. I was neat, clean, shaved, and sober, and I didn’t care who knew it. I was everything a well-dressed private detective ought to be. I was calling on four million bits.
My foray into the world of Equestrian crime fiction, graciously gifted to me by Twilight was brought an abrupt halt when a wave of pain surged in my head. Instantly, I dropped the book I was reading and doubled up in agony. Whatever it was, it was sudden. It was worse than any migraine I’d had. I tried massaging my forehead and quickly found the problem. An apple, and a rotten one at that, had become impaled in my horn.
Across the way, Applejack and Apple Bloom had been collecting any of the unsellable apples to feed for the pigs. I’d been watching them this morning happily making a game out of the whole thing, with AJ batting the apples with her tail for Apple Bloom to catch. This one had evidently gone a bit wide and chosen, possibly by the will of Discord, to land where it had.
Removing the offending apple from my horn caused another wave of pain. Sweetie Belle was certainly more stoic when a similar incident happened to her. Perhaps there was a difference in sensitivity between the genders, or maybe I was just being a bit of a cry-baby. Once it was off, the pain quickly vanished, just as suddenly as it had come. However, my cries of mild agony had attracted the attention of the two ladies across the way.
“Ya okay, Bones?” Applejack called as the pair trotted up.
“Have you seen that last apple, Blade Star? I missed one of ‘em. Sis says she saw it go over here.” I couldn’t be mad at her. Not only did she have her typically adorable face on, that was smiling at me, but she also had a basket filled with caught apples strapped to her head, making her slightly top heavy. She was just too cute.
“Ya mean this one, AB?” I asked, producing the evil apple from behind me, now with a neat skewer hole through its centre.
“Yeah, hey, where’d that hole come from?” She asked curiously. Applejack moved closer to get a better look. She smiled and broke out into a small fit of giggles. She really did have a nice laugh.
“Well that explains all that howlin’, eh Bones?” she said between giggles. “Guess ah must’ve sent that one a bit wide. Didn’t hurt too much did it?” At least she showed some concern for my well-being.
“Just a bit, ‘Jack, I replied. “Guess ya need to work on yer aim.” This earned me a raspberry. “Besides, Ah figured ah might go into town today. Anythin’ ya need me to get while Ah’m there?” Applejack thought for a moment.
“Ya sure it’s not too much trouble?” she asked after a brief pause.
“Nah, got nothin’ better to do, unless Ah hear from the princesses or somethin’.”
“Well then, ya could go an’ fetch a few things from Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie’s promised to do us all a dozen of her cupcakes to make up fer that dang tie yesterday.” Both parties were still sore about the lack of a clear winner yesterday. While it did prevent any escalation by the loser, it also left both Applejack and Rainbow Dash feeling a little annoyed with themselves. A couple cupcakes would clear that right up.
With that, I stuck a leaf in the book I had been reading as a bookmark and headed back to the farmhouse to grab my saddlebags and a bag of Bits, in case something in town, particularly at Sugarcube Corner, caught my fancy. While I was not swimming in bits, I was no longer completely without currency. All told I had around six hundred or so, stashed away in my room. I could have had over one thousand five hundred had I accepted Princess Celestia’s offer of aid. But I am a proud being in matters of finance.
Winona once again followed me into town, but peeled off and headed back when she spotted Granny Smith in the market. I guess she was the one she saw as being the pony most likely to provide food. Dogs, for all their loyalty, will usually go with whoever has a treat in their hands.
Sugarcube Corner was perhaps one of the more bizarre buildings in Ponyville. It really did look good enough to eat on occasion, and as I approached I saw one young colt being chastised by his mother, after apparently trying to take a bite out of a large and, might I add structurally vital, candy cane. I wondered how it had been constructed. I mean, sure, it was a wonderful thing to look at, but how on earth did you build something like that, and without the whole shebang falling in on itself.
As I passed through the front door, the bell, suspended in the frame above chimed softly, reminding me of that old café I used to go to with my grandfather. It had been many years, but I still missed him. The inside was not quite as whacky as the outside, with signs that perhaps at least one sane pony had been part of the construction team. Directly in front of me was the display stands, filled with all kinds of cakes and confections. Closing the door behind me, a voice called from somewhere in the back.
“I’ll be right with you!” And with that Mrs Cake trotted out from the residential part of the building. Throwing on an apron quickly, she moved behind the counter. “Now what can I get for you, dearie?” she asked kindly.
“Just come to pick up those cupcakes for Applejack, Mrs. Cake,” I replied, my southern accent still sticking. It had been doing that on and off since my teleport spell practice at the library.
“Oh, I think Pinkie Pie’s been holding on to those for ya,” Mrs. Cake replied. “Pinkie!” She called.
“Yes Mrs. Cake?” answered a voice over my shoulder. I turned around and found myself less than an inch from Pinkie Pie, who seemed to have materialised beside me. Needless to say, I was spooked by that. Pinkie was apologetic however. “Oops, sorry, Bladey. Didn’t mean to scare you.” She continued beaming at me, luckily, Mrs. Cake intervened.
“Pinkie, he’s here to pick up Applejack’s cupcakes for her,” she offered. This moved Pinkie into action. She seized me by the foreleg and dragged me into the back of the store.
With little ceremony, Pinkie pulled me past the counter and into the main hallway of the building. I expected that she had kept them out of the way, in the kitchens perhaps to prevent them being damaged or accidentally sold. However, much to my alarm, she led me away from the kitchens and store cupboards and toward a large ominous looking basement door. Pinkie answered my question before I had a chance to ask it.
“This is where I keep all my ‘special’ cupcakes, Bladey,” she said, her typical grin taking a darker look for a moment. “Dashie helped me make them.”
And with that, I began to panic internally. I’d read various infamous fan fictions since I’d joined, but Cupcakes really stood out. The fact that Pinkie Pie was now leading me into the basement, where she apparently kept cupcakes, that Dash had ‘helped’ her make, unsettled me to say the least.
When I’d spoken to Princess Celestia about my multiverse theory, I had wondered about the possibility of other MLP based universe existing. But a Cupcakes universe? I never was the type to beg for my life, as I said, I am a proud being. But in this case, I made an exception.
After babbling out something completely incomprehensible that may or may not have been a plea for any kind of mercy, Pinkie stopped in her tracks and turned to look at me. Was she considering letting me live? Or was she just prolonging the inevitable?
“What are you so scared about, Bladey? We’re just going to get the cupcakes you came for,” she said, still maintaining her cheerful demeanour. She opened the basement door and inside there were hundreds of.
I’m not quite sure how to say this. There were boxes. Marked ‘flour’. There was no horrific torture equipment, no disturbing mortal remains. Nothing. It was just a basement. I might have had a brief mental celebration. If Pinkie was aware of what had transpired, she didn’t show it. Releasing me from her grip, she headed off to a corner and retrieved a cake box, filled with cupcakes. Of the usual variety.
“Here you go, Bladey,” she said, passing the box to me, which I balanced carefully on my back. “Come on back upstairs and you pay Mrs. Cake for them.” Seizing me by the foreleg again, she dragged me back up to the storefront to pay. Handing over the bits, I couldn’t help but smile.
I mean really. Pinkie Pie as a vicious axe wielding psychopath? As long as you weren’t actually reading it, it was quite a funny image. I felt somewhat guilty for misjudging her like that. I’d known her for just over a fortnight and here I was still making judgements based on fan fiction written by messed up twenty year olds. She was the Element of Laughter for Celestia’s sake! While they all knew a bit about the Brony fandom, I had glossed over some bits. Cupcakes was one along with the Conversion Bureau and any other grim or dark sections. I doubt any of them would forgive me if they found out.
I was about to head out the door and back to the farm when a thought stuck me. I ought to do something for Pinkie to make up for what happened, even if it was all in my head. I did feel terrible for having even considered it.
“Hey Pinkie, how busy are you today?” I asked. Pinkie bounced up and down excitedly.
“Oh, oh, we’re really busy today, Bladey. I’ve got to bake seventy two more cupcakes, eighteen carrot cakes, thirty one sponges, a sapphire cupcake for Spike and an anniversary cake for Mr and Mrs. Cake.” Most people would sound slightly depressed at the sheer workload of all that. But not Pinkie, if anything, she was looking forward to all the cakes which, by her logic, would make lots of ponies happy, so she ought to enjoy it. “Why?” she asked.
“Just thought Ah might offer to help out. Ah used to do a bit of baking with my mom, not somethin’ you forget,” I replied smiling.
Pinkie was more than happy to let me help her, and after checking it was okay with the Cakes, I threw on an apron and followed Pinkie into the kitchen. In contrast to her slightly, dare I say it, chaotic personality, Pinkie kept the kitchens extremely well organised. That was probably why she was able to fulfil all the orders the store received.
As the third batch of cupcakes went into one of the large, yet pink ovens, we paused to catch our breath. It seemed even the logic defying Pinkie Pie was not omitted from the concept of tiredness. The speed at which we were working the ovens had me sweating like it was Applebuck Season all over again. While Pinkie seemed a bit winded, she was still going strong. And still humming the Cupcakes song.
“You’re like a machine, Pinkie. I knew you were good at baking, but I didn’t know you were this good. You’d probably put a fair few chefs to shame back on Earth.” It was true; we’d churned out, between us, all the required cupcakes in just under an hour.
“I’m not that good, Bladey. I just work hard like everypony else. Now come on, help me with the kumquats.”
I stayed for a couple more hours to help finish up the larger orders. Even with all the work, she never stopped smiling. Ordinarily, this would have thrown up a red flag for me. Excessive smiling tends to be a sign that a person is just a little unhinged. However, with Pinkie, the smile was completely sincere. That was what I liked about her the most. No matter what happened, you couldn’t break her. Even on her darkest of days, she would still be smiling and doing her best to cheer others up. Quite in contrast to cynical old me.
Once the last of the sponges came out, I bade Pinkie farewell, and headed back home. I would have gone all the way back, but I quickly remembered the promise I had made to Rarity about going with her to Canterlot. As I was in town, it wouldn’t hurt to swing by the Carousel Boutique and pay her a visit. Once we’d sorted out the details, I could go and check everything was okay with AJ. Sweet Apple Acres might have been closed for the winter, but that didn’t mean I was going to disappear off to the city without checking first.
And with that, I headed toward Rarity’s home and business. AJ could wait another half hour for the cupcakes.
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It would appear that there was a porting error.
Otherwise, great job. I enjoyed the "Cupcakes" reference.
And by prereader, do you mean proofreader? If so I'll think about it, but if you mean editor, then no.
A faithful proofreader,
CanoLathra
3943927 I don't have that error on mine, double checked.
And yes I do mean a proof-reader. Just as a double check on the work. Can be either a one time thing or permanent.
The number of times you mention the confectionary and then significantly reference that fanfic for me can mean only one thing.
yay lol
3944175 That's why I said a porting error: if you use Gdocs, occasionally it will glitch and throw part of a sentence into the middle of another sentence. If you aren't using Gdocs, then the site glitched.
I'll PM you about proofreading.
I don't usually read HiE stories, but this one is clearly different. Now I'm happy to say I'm taking this out of my Read Later list and adding it to the Tracking list.
Also tempted to make a TV Tropes page for this story.
3944283 I've been meaning to ask. Why do you always do that?
3950863 the
and 
are a rating system i use and post at the end of reading the chapter and i have more than one communication problem corse by a form of brain damage which i try and bypass every day.
3952832
3944237 For that sir, I express my greatest contrafibularities.
3954880 Just surprised me is all. I didn't realise you had such a dislike for fashion ponies.
3955913 I can see your point:
3970284 See, this is why I need a good pre-reader. In future though, PM me with the corrections, sorry I didn't make that clear.
As for AJ, oh I'm going to torture you for a long while yet. 
Me:(recognizes The Big Sleep).....
.
Ooooo...a Cupcakes reference.
When Pinkie says kumquat, does anyone else think of [youtube=http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=2MgonZ6J7_I]
3950863
I believe it should be done, considering the likes and length it has attained. I can ask an acquaintance of mine for assistance.
OMG A FAN FICTION REFRENCE
As an aside... I went looking for that Cupcakes story for my sister, she seems to enjoy such horror things. it seems to have gone MIA
I'm a little creeped right now. When I read the part where the SCC bell's chimed my doorbell rang.
5721515
Check your maturity filter in the settings tab if you still want to find it. If its still missing i don't know what to tell ya.
3944237 oh god, that's one of the funniest parts in Black Adder!
This sentence confuses me so much I have trouble putting it into words. What-the-WHAT? Perhaps it is some sort of cultural reference, but it is well beyond me.
9105013 Looks like a glitch in the upload, fixed it now. For some reason, a line from the opening of the chapter decided to go wandering.
3958531
It’s ‘case in point.’
You can never wait for cupcakes! Also glad that particular gore fic didn't end up in your story
By cupcakes, ..
pinkeda mania pie
Mommy. Pick me up I'm scared