The End of Her Reign

Onyx

Onyx #1 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

I really like it so far, but (not to be a Grammar Nazi or anything) there are some mistakes I spotted like the difference between 'Your' and 'You're' or not capitalizing the character's names. Other than that, I can't wait to see where this story goes

ChaseC

ChaseC #2 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

313537
Thanks I will fix that... I didn't really check it for grammar errors.... Ill fix that. And if you do see them in the future don't be afraid to tell me. I need to get them fixed...

Lucefudu

Lucefudu #3 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

Nice one! Keep deleting.

ChaseC

ChaseC #4 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

313877

I was tired of look at it... you had made up stuff that I had never said and i would like it if you just leaved me alone... Ok you dont like my story. BIG WHOOP. I dont care, obviously someone wont like it. And I havent made a story before... Its a learning experience. But you dont have to criticize every single thing I say. Also if i were really trying to get rid of you I would just block you... But I havent. Keep you comments shorter then I will keep them on here.

P.S. I liked the Rarity at the end of you comment. Made me laugh... Seriously nice effect to your sarcasm. Ill be sure to use that later on.

leaderofstars

leaderofstars #5 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

heres a idea: discord corrupted the princess before he got stoned. and now she is gone full on tyrant bitch in his absence.

i see potential but need more believability between events

ChaseC

ChaseC #6 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

314048

Good little addition to the story! Lol Truthfully I just wrote this as it came to my had so there will be some plot gaps that ill try and fix. There is a good chance of this being incorporated in my story! Thanks

P.S.
Would it be bad to add this into the story later on... Explain it later when they figure out why she is acting this way themselves?

leaderofstars

leaderofstars #7 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

314065

no problem man.
hmm is Luna leading the rebellion or dead in this story?

ChaseC

ChaseC #8 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

314078
I havent really added Luna into the mix yet but I think that Luna will be on the side of the mane 6. Now that you said the whole discord thing, The whole story just played out in my head... That was an AMAZING idea for this story. Ive already gotten the final chapter played out in my head. Thanks so much man!

leaderofstars

leaderofstars #9 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

314099

just write it down somewhere so you won't forget it.

ChaseC

ChaseC #10 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

314103
Oh this fits so perfectly I wont forget this ever.

TheMareinTheMoon

TheMareinTheMoon #11 · Mar 12th, 2012 · · ·

Reply

Alrighty, let's get started here

Firstly, I must say that I REALLY like this concept, the idea of Celestia becoming more of a nightmare than nightmare moon has always been an interesting idea in my eyes

Unfortunately, I think there's a couple things you really need to fix before this can reach it's true potential.
Allow me to explain:

Foremostly, I think that the transitions between Twilight's dreams and reality could be done a bit smoother, I like the idea, but I had trouble differentiating reality from dream at a couple points, without detail or direct referral about it by another character.

I also think that you should ease back on the explanations a bit. Now I'm not saying that things shouldn't be explained, because they definintely should, It's just that you shouldn't do it all from the start. Readers don't like getting flooded with all this new history immidiatley upon entering the story, it makes them lose interest. Might I suggest that you explain some of the important things here, but leave others to be discussed later, via conversation, flashback, or other means, it just adds a sense of fluidity to the story.

I also think you should go into a bit more detailon these characters, their emotions and their motives. I realize this is only the first chapter and more will be explained later, but Twilight's reason's for her actions aren't very clearly defined. I feel that some lines talking through the perspective of her thoughts could help this along a bit. As well as motives for Celestia, but I'm sure we'll see more about that as the story goes on.

It's a bit of a downer, because it's obvious you know these characters pretty well, little details like Twi brushing her main EXACTLY 30 times every day (Which actually made me chuckle a little) , provide a bit of insight into these characters personalities. But i feel it needs to be backed up with some emotional insight.

Finally, there's quite a few grammatical errors here. But that can easily be fixed, in fact i'd be willing to help do so if you like it just occasionaly gets in the way of story, making it feel a bit jumbled, but that's ok, it shouldn't take too long to fix.

All in all, I see a lot of potential in this story, and I'm curious as to where it will go, and the fact that it's Chase helps a bit too, it could just use a bit of cleanup in it's execution