First all the birds disappear, then Opal goes missing. Winona's head is found in the fields, and then cows are found in pieces. The next day, Zecora comes running into town, screaming in terror! Something has come to Ponyville. And it is out for blood. No pony is safe. Can the Mane 6 stop the threat? Or will it kill them first?
This is my first FiMfic. Please feel free to comment and edit. I only ask that you be nice about it. The creature is my own creation, and I hope it thrills you all!
Chapters (2)
For a first fic, actually pretty well done. You could stand to slow it down a hair, and maybe do a little more dialogue fluffing. A few points of punctuation could have been changed to more appropriate or more aesthetically appealing marks, but yours was sufficient.
What I really liked about this was the point of view of the creature. In my opinion, it was the best part of the chapter. It was detailed, it was believable, and most important, it was insightful. You gave us insight into the mind of the creature where other storytellers would only reveal the creature later in the story, opting to go with the traditional horror approach of "the monster you don't see is scarier than the monster you see".
3571759 thank you very much for the input. i will try to slow it down a bit.
thank you again for the compliment. i was thinking of slowly revealing what the creature looks like through out the story, giving a taste without spoiling it till the right moment.
thanks again for you input
Oh I'M the editor?!
Nopony tells me ANYTHING these days. 
Might as well get on with it....oh! It's interesting too. Goody!
[The day before, Another Winter Wrap-Up was finished]
This one. Nails on a chalkboard man. Just nails on a chalkboard. Pegasi
)
-"Another" is in the middle of the sentence and shouldn't be capitalized.
[snoring as load as a dragon a hundred times his size]
-it should be "loud" not "load".
[The Pegasuses were decorating the city hall]
-
This is all I have to say about this, particularly near the ending: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmyqwyyFTd8
[Fluttershy’s tree]
-I believe it is supposed to be a cottage. It's more of a grassy hill, not a tree. (Hobbit Hole!
[You’ll see.” He said soothingly.]
-There should be a comma instead of a period after "see" and "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
[concerned for their sergeant mother.]
-"surrogate" is the word you're looking for. Spell Check doesn't catch correctly spelled words in the wrong spot. I read it the way it was supposed to be and not the way it was on my first pass as well.
That's all I got. And I see no reason to think it needs more. As you know, this isn't my genre but it's still good. I'll agree that pacing is a little fast, but it's not that long either so, it passes. So far, it's on par with the good stuff. I can only assume once the real action kicks off, it will rise in the ranks. (No pressure!
)
3572495 thank you for you editing. an excellent job as usual. I'm sure you will be among the top editors of hit novels sold world wide. (no pressure
)
When was the last time I even read a story like this?... Can't remember. Nice job, anyways. Part of me wants to get away, and part of me wants to hunt.
3576453 thank you very much
thats the felling i was trying to give
Attention Reader! All of my comments contain SPOILERS! Shortness of chapters aside, read at your own peril.
-slowly
-I would move "though" to the end of the sentence. It isn't a complete sentence as it is.
-smiled
-wanted or was always wanting
-they
-soon
-"blame" appears to be missing.
-You might want to combine these sentences with a comma. The first one doesn't sound right alone.
I just noticed the oddest thing. Ponyville scenes are more apt to have mistakes than the monster scenes. Coincidence? I think not.
So much detail in the life of the manticore was unexpected. Quite well done. Anyone with half a brain would be able to call what ended up happening to him the moment the scene started, but very fine build to its character nonetheless. We get to see its thoughts and care about it before *CHOMP*.
3577264 Thank you once again
and the reason that the monster scenes have less mistakes is that it being my OC, i know exactly what to type. while i have to rack my brains to remember the personalities of the canon characters. i make more mistakes trying to remember things.
Thanks again. hope to have the next chapter up by next week.