Twilight Sparkle woke up in a good mood. One of the best moods she ever had. The day before, Winter Wrap-Up was finished, done even earlier than last years. With this, the Mayor decided to throw a party commemorating the new Wrap-Up record. Everyone in Ponyville was going to attend, especially since the Cake family announced that the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness (AKA the MMMM) would be made for the occasion.
“This might just be one of the best days ever!” Twilight said to her self.
As she got out of bed and began to place the sheets back into order, the first thing she heard was her trusty assistant Spike, snoring as loud as a dragon a hundred times his size. With a small smile, the unicorn shook her head at the baby dragon’s lack of tact. As she continued to set the bed, she suddenly noticed that there was no other sound. She looked over at a vacant owl perch.
“Owlowiscious?” Twilight called.
No response.
She looked over all of the room, but her pet owl was nowhere to be seen. The young unicorn went down stairs and called out for the owl again.
No response.
“Maybe she went outside,” she murmured as she went back upstairs.
Twilight looked out the window, which had been left open to let the first warm breeze of spring into the library. Owlowiscious was not there either. But Twilight suddenly realized something else. Unlike last year, and the year before that, and what she can only assume was every other year before that one, there was something missing. Something seemingly insignificant, but now left a strange emptiness in Ponyville.
There were no birds singing.
Twilight went over to the window, opened it wide and peered out into the branches of the tree that was her home. She saw no signs of the sparrows, cardinals, or blue jays that lived and played within the greenery from spring to fall. As she looked to the sky, she didn’t even see any birds flying. In fact, she didn’t see any birds anywhere. No beak, wing or even a feather.
“Weird.” She thought, “They usually sing and fly around non-stop for days after winter is cleaned up. Where did they all go?”
Twilight swiftly walked over to Spike's basket, using her hoof to lightly shake him awake.
“Spike,” she said. “Wake up. Something’s wrong!”
The purple dragon woke with a start, making quick glances around the room.
“Huh? Wha-what is it?!” He stuttered.
Twilight was quickly preparing breakfast while using her magic to gather every book she had on birds
“It’s the birds!” she exclaimed, “They’re gone!”
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“So do you think all the birds just left Ponyville?” Spike asked.
It was about 11 in the morning now. Twilight and Spike left the library and were walking through Ponyville, where the citizens were preparing the town square for the celebration that evening. The Pegasi were decorating the city hall, while the Earth ponies constructed stands for the food and games, and the Unicorns used their magic to set up the stage for the speeches and performances. There were vibrant colors everywhere, mimicking the flowers and the trees that surrounded the town. The sound of tools and wings were drowned in the chatter of the ponies. Though the mood was cheerful, many conversations were on the exact same topic as Twilight’s. Where were all the birds?
“I don’t know Spike,” said Twilight. “But I am going to find out. And I know the first place to go.”
“Where?” the young dragon asked.
“To Fluttershy’s. If animals are going to go anywhere in Ponyville, its there.” Twilight said.
But as they left Ponyville and walked closer to the edge of the Everfree forest, they neither saw nor heard any birds like they had hoped. They saw the usual rabbits, mice, ferrets and the bear that lived in a tree not far from Fluttershy’s cottage. But not a single bird.
“What is going on here?” Twilight asked to no one in particular. “I was sure that at least some would be here?”
“Maybe you could ask Fluttershy!” announced Spike, pointing at the sky. “Here she comes!”
Twilight looked to where the dragon indicated and saw her timid friend. Fluttershy was flying very fast, descending rapidly toward them. When she got within 50 feet, they could see a frantic look on her face. The mere fact that she was flying at such a fast speed at them told them she had notice the same problem they had.
“Oh, Twilight, Spike its horrible!” the Pegasus almost wailed, landing a few feet in front of them. “The birds, they’re all gone! I searched all of Ponyville, all of the Everfree forest, and haven’t found even a feather of them!”
“We notice that as well,” Twilight explained. “ It’s like they just vanished. There has to be a reasonable explanation.”
“Oh I hope so,” said Fluttershy, “I’m so worried about them. What if somepony birdnapped them?!”
Her eye went wide with terror, and her lower lip began to tremble. Spike stepped forward hastily to comfort his friend.
“Don’t worry Fluttershy. I’m sure everything will be alright soon. You’ll see,” he said soothingly.
He then led the Pegasus back to her tree, both surrounded by animal concerned for their surrogate mother. Twilight followed, silently thinking, trying to think of a reason why the birds were gone. Before stepping in to the house, she glanced up at the sun, almost wishing Celestia would show her the answer.
“Where did they go?” she thought aloud. “And why?”
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Hunt. Kill. Eat.
Those were its only thoughts. Since it was born, satisfying its hunger was its only concern. Hunting, killing, and eating were all the beast could comprehend. There was no room for reason, for mercy, for common sense. Even emotions were lost to it. It didn’t need them. It needed only hunger and blood lust. It only slept when it got full, which wasn’t often. The rest of its time was devoted to killing and eating any living, breathing thing that it could. And it had just finished the carcass of a full-grown hydra it had killed only a day ago. It was inside the rib cage of the serpent, licking the bones to strip any remaining trace of flesh.
The creature rose to set out again, driven by its urge to continue feeding. Not knowing, not caring where it wound up. There was no more food in the swamp. It had eaten all the animals that lived in it. It was able to live in any environment. As long as there were animals to kill and eat, it would stay. When it ate all the inhabitants, it moved on. It didn’t care how harsh the conditions were. It didn’t even mind the rotten odor of the bog. It had already filled the swamp with hundreds of skeletons, each picked clean to the last morsel of meat.
It sniffed the air. The smell of prey led it west. As it entered a heavily dense forest it stepped on a small sign, crushing it to pieces. As the beast disappeared into the thick brush, a lone grey mouse warily crawled out of its burrow. It was the lone survivor in the swamp, having escaped by being so small and by digging a 30-foot deep hole. The rodent scurried over to the splintered remains of the sign. Thanks to a kind Pegasus it had befriended, it knew how to read the writing of Ponies. But with the condition of the wooden plank, it could only make out two words.
Everfree Forest.
For a first fic, actually pretty well done. You could stand to slow it down a hair, and maybe do a little more dialogue fluffing. A few points of punctuation could have been changed to more appropriate or more aesthetically appealing marks, but yours was sufficient.
What I really liked about this was the point of view of the creature. In my opinion, it was the best part of the chapter. It was detailed, it was believable, and most important, it was insightful. You gave us insight into the mind of the creature where other storytellers would only reveal the creature later in the story, opting to go with the traditional horror approach of "the monster you don't see is scarier than the monster you see".
3571759 thank you very much for the input. i will try to slow it down a bit.
thank you again for the compliment. i was thinking of slowly revealing what the creature looks like through out the story, giving a taste without spoiling it till the right moment.
thanks again for you input
Oh I'M the editor?! Nopony tells me ANYTHING these days.
Might as well get on with it....oh! It's interesting too. Goody!
[The day before, Another Winter Wrap-Up was finished]
-"Another" is in the middle of the sentence and shouldn't be capitalized.
[snoring as load as a dragon a hundred times his size]
-it should be "loud" not "load".
[The Pegasuses were decorating the city hall]
- This one. Nails on a chalkboard man. Just nails on a chalkboard. Pegasi
This is all I have to say about this, particularly near the ending: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmyqwyyFTd8
[Fluttershy’s tree]
-I believe it is supposed to be a cottage. It's more of a grassy hill, not a tree. (Hobbit Hole! )
[You’ll see.” He said soothingly.]
-There should be a comma instead of a period after "see" and "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
[concerned for their sergeant mother.]
-"surrogate" is the word you're looking for. Spell Check doesn't catch correctly spelled words in the wrong spot. I read it the way it was supposed to be and not the way it was on my first pass as well.
That's all I got. And I see no reason to think it needs more. As you know, this isn't my genre but it's still good. I'll agree that pacing is a little fast, but it's not that long either so, it passes. So far, it's on par with the good stuff. I can only assume once the real action kicks off, it will rise in the ranks. (No pressure! )
3572495 thank you for you editing. an excellent job as usual. I'm sure you will be among the top editors of hit novels sold world wide. (no pressure )