3. Daleks Have No Concept of Taste
“…debriefed me and given me my orders,” Soldier concluded for the third time.
Twilight Sparkle’s eyes fluttered a few times as she looked over the letter that she had been sent by Princess Celestia, retrieved by her second-in-command Spike. “Um,” she said after a few rels. “Okay…so this is some kind of assignment from Princess Celestia?”
“Correct,” Soldier confirmed, as she considered Twilight. Wings and horn, like Princess Celestia. Given that Soldier had seen so few of those, she guessed that it designated leader-class ponies.
“Wow,” Twilight repeated, wings fluttering a few times. Her second-in-command was still cowering behind her, hugging one of her hind legs tightly. “So…you’re from another world. Like the one I visited a few weeks ago? Do you know Sunset Shimmer?”
Soldier thought for a rel, going over the few names of lesser creatures she had learned in her life as a dalek. “No,” she answered.
The orange-coated pony walked up to Twilight. “So, uh…why exactly is Spike so afraid of you, ma’am?”
Soldier considered that for a rel as well. “I do not know,” she responded. “It does not make sense. I have been ordered to obey Twilight Sparkle. Spike is Twilight Sparkle’s second-in-command and therefore my superior. A dalek does not threaten its superior.” Unless that superior proved to be inefficient at its job, in any event. Of course, threats were rarely issued in that case, either, the supposed-superior was simply exterminated and replaced. Even still, Soldier had some time before she was familiar enough with pony hierarchy to even consider attempting to replace Spike, so what was his concern?
Spike pointed a claw at Soldier. “You said you killed things!”
“Yes.”
Twilight and the orange pony both jumped at that, with Twilight’s wings flaring widely. “K…killed things?” She demanded.
Soldier looked between the two ponies, unsure as to the cause of their distress. “Yes,” she responded. “I exterminated the lesser species that were pests to the Dalek Empire.”
The tensions of the two ponies and one reptile remained for a rel more, before the orange one blew out a small sigh of relief. “Oh,” she said. “Pest extermination. Ah get it.” She looked to Twilight. “It’s a dirty job, but when ya don’t got a cat an’ can’t find Fluttershy, it’s gotta get done.”
“Daleks do not have cats,” Soldier provided, “nor Fluttershies.”
Twilight and the orange pony both laughed a little at that; Soldier looked between them in confusion. She had a vague understanding of humor, but no true concept of it. Had she said something funny?
It didn’t matter, as Twilight looked to Spike. “Looks like you just misunderstood Soldier,” she said, drawing the small reptilian into an embrace. “I’m sure she’s perfectly harmless. And if she comes from a world without magic to help with animal problems, then I imagine there would need to be exterminators.”
“There is ample need,” Soldier provided.
Spike looked between Twilight and Soldier for a few rels. “I dunno…” he began, but stopped, and made a cutting motion with both his claws. “But, y’know what? I remember what happened with Owlicious. Okay. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt.” Spike looked at Soldier, and pointed one claw at her. “But I’ve got my eye on you…”
“Acknowledged,” Soldier responded, confirming Spike’s assertion of his position in the hierarchy.
“Good. Now, um…” he looked down at his attire, the two pillows and helmet. “I guess I should put this all back.”
He walked off, leaving Soldier alone with Twilight and the orange pony. Soldier turned to the latter. “What is your designation?”
The pony blinked. “Oh,” she said. “Gosh, where are mah manners, haven’t even introduced mahself…” she held out a hoof. “Mah name’s Applejack. Ah live out at Sweet Apple Acres, run the farm there.”
Soldier nodded once, then turned to Twilight. “I require orders,” she said.
Applejack blinked a few times, lowering her hoof slowly and appearing slightly off-put for some reason. Twilight shook her head at Applejack. “Soldier’s new, she doesn’t understand,” she said, then looked to Soldier. “And I’m not really sure I like the idea of ordering you around…but I’d be happy to teach you everything about Equestrian society and culture until you can find your place in it!”
Soldier’s eyes fluttered of their own accord at that. Her commander…did not wish to give her orders? What? “I am a soldier,” she insisted. “I require orders!”
Twilight opened her mouth, but Applejack stepped forward. “Look, ya want to fit in ‘round here, right?”
Soldier looked to Applejack. “Yes. I need to integrate myself into the pony hierarchy.”
“Well, a grown mare don’t need nopony orderin’ her around, usually. When a big community thing is goin’ down – say, Winter Wrap-up – then we can get ya on a team or somethin’. But otherwise a pony’s gotta be able to make her own way in the world.”
“With help from her friends,” Twilight added, nodding.
Soldier bristled. “Daleks have no concept of friendship,” she said, “and I must have orders! I was created to follow orders. Without orders I have no purpose!” Other than the Dalek Prime Directive, that was, but to follow that order would conflict with her standing orders from Princess Celestia. As she was a pony now, that order took precedence.
The two ponies backed away from Soldier at that, glancing at each other. “Definitely not from the same world that I went to,” Twilight said, then looked back to Soldier. “Okay…I guess I can order you around, then. But only for a little while, until you’ve gotten used to being a pony and found something to do yourself.”
Soldier felt her new muzzle scrunching at that, as she tried to wrap her mind around what Twilight was saying. “Until…I am…given my own command?” she guessed.
“Sure,” Twilight said. She trotted forward, right up to Soldier, and put a hoof on her withers. The dalek-turned-pony started slightly at the sensation; touch was still a new concept. “We’ll just…pretend like you’re a foal learning to stand. Gotta take things easy at first.” Her eyes grew a little wider. “This is actually a really great opportunity – there’s so much for you to learn! Equstrian history, society, magic…ooh, I don’t even know where to begin, but this is going to be fun!”
“Daleks have no concept of fun,” Soldier stated flatly. It sounded dreadful.
“Well, Pinkie Pie’ll cure that right quick once she gets back from visitin’ her folks,” Applejack declared. “’Til then, where d’ya want to begin? How much do you know about ponies, anyhow?”
Soldier considered for a rel. “I have ascertained that leader-class ponies have wings and horns,” she stated. “I understand that your role in the hierarchy is determined by the marking upon your flanks.” She considered a rel more. “I know how to wash dishes.”
The two ponies waited, as did Soldier. “That’s it?” Twilight asked.
“Yes.”
“…okay then. Well, we’re gonna have a lot to do then…”
---
Pony. The name given to the dominant race of the land of Equestria. The land was a diarchy with power split evenly between the sisters Celestia and Luna, both of whom were of the class alicorn; their rulersip was aided by a vast, semi-feudal, semi-democratic civil service. A neighboring land to the north, the Crystal Empire, held a third alicorn, named Cadance, while Twilight Sparkle was a fourth alicorn. They together comprised all the alicorns known to exist.
(Twilight Sparkle had apparently once been a unicorn who had ascended into the position, while Cadance had been a pegasus who had done the same. She did not go into the origins of Celestia nor Luna. This was, nevertheless, a demonstration of upward mobility within the pony hierarchy, although Twilight did not explain the requirements to do so)
The vast majority of the pony race in Equestria was separated into three tribes: Pegasus ponies, unicorn ponies, and earth ponies. Each possessed advantages and disadvantages that made the three tribes equal, rather than a structure with one tribe resting over another supported by a third.
(Soldier did not much care for this concept, but it was what she was stuck with)
Generally speaking the pegasi controlled Equestria’s weather through a natural ability to manipulate water vapor and ambient heat. Earth ponies were strong and durable and had a natural ability to infuse the earth beneath them with some manner of power that caused plants to grow faster and healthier and animals to remain calm around them, to a point. Unicorns were magic-users and capable of fine manipulation, allowing them to build precise machines.
(Soldier balked at the idea of magic, but Twilight Sparkle demonstrated several spells she knew. Evidently there truly was such a thing as magic, though it was bound by some manner of laws that, being a unicorn herself now, Soldier was determined to figure out)
The three tribes of ponies were not the only inhabitants of this world, however. In addition to dragons – of which Spike was evidently a member – there were griffins, diamond dogs, breezies, buffalo, deer, horses, and all manner of other sapient species, each living in their own native regions as well as having significant minority populations in the regions of others. As well, there were sub-tribes of ponies: crystal ponies, thestrals, qilin and longma, and a number of others.
(Much as with the Dals and Thals of Skaro evolving independently of one another, Soldier thought; however unlike the Dals and the Thals, there was apparently no desire on the part of any species to annihilate the other).
By far the most bizarre thing that Twilight asserted was that the planet they were on was in a geocentric system: There was a small sun, orbited by two planetoids, but which itself orbited the central planet, Earth, opposite another stellar body, the Moon. Following that were three more planetoids, each of which orbited the central planet, as well as countless small stellar objects that were the Equestrian equivalent of stars.
“Impossible,” Soldier stated, and doing her best to ignore the growing discomfort in her barrel region, a kind of hollow feeling that had been growing. She would address it later.
Twilight stopped in her lecture, Applejack having gone home some time ago. The purple alicorn had used her ‘magic’ to create a blackboard and chalk, and had been giving Soldier a broad outline of the impossible astronomy. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Suns do not orbit planets. The most basic understanding of gravity will reveal that it is impossible for a body with such a small mass to be orbited by a body with such a greater mass.”
Twilight blinked. “The Sun is only about a sixth the size of the planet,” she said. “It’s actually a little smaller than the Moon, but the light it gives off makes it look a lot bigger.”
“Also impossible.” Soldier stood from where she had been sitting, pointing at the chalkboard. “A body of hydrogen that small could not achieve the mass needed for fusion to begin!”
“Well, it’s not made out of hydrogen – ”
“Absurd! Helium-fusion is even more impossible at that size. That it could exist in a stable orbit opposite another body of comparable size is even more intolerable. And stars are not motes of matter scattered through the sky!”
Twilight bristled. “Princess Luna might have something to say about that – ”
“Your geocentric model is impossible under all physical laws! It is the result of a primitive understanding of physics.”
“Hey!” Twilight objected, wings flaring wide. “I’ve been to space. Had to lasso the moon down to…well, it’s a long story.”
“Impossible!” Soldier found herself stomping a hoof, and her voice growing louder. “What you assert is absurd! Absurd! Absurd!”
Twilight opened her mouth to retort, when a loud growling cut through the room – emanating from Soldier, or, rather, from Soldier’s midsection, and coupled with the empty feeling from that region seeming to double. “I am suffering a malfunction!” She exclaimed, eyes widening as she sat back down, front hooves patting over her stomach trying to ascertain what the problem was. If she was still in her Mark-III travel machine her heads-up display would have told her instantly what the problem was, but now, in her new body, in this new form…
“Oh,” Twilight said, setting down her chalk and walking forward. “You’re just hungry.”
“Daleks have no concept of hunger.”
Twilight rolled her eyes a little. “Come on, let’s go get you something to eat. That probably also explains why you’re being so cranky…”
Soldier stood, following her commander – although not before retrieving the crystal that used to belong to her optics, in order to set it down on one of the tables in the library. “Daleks have no concept of ‘cranky.’”
Twilight glanced behind her. “Now, that is absurd.”
---
Soldier pondered the building she found herself in – it was low and long, a single story divided into two sections, one full of ponies sitting at tables consuming food, the other dedicated to the work staff that prepared and served the food. The restaurant, as the building was classified, was called the Hayburger, evidently after its primary food option. An example of the ‘hayburger’ sat before her now, as well as a container of some manner of liquid that bubbled slightly, and slivers of dice-up lengths of some manner of starchy, tuberous crop that had been fried and lightly salted.
Soldier stared at the food. Twilight stared at her. “…well?” Twilight asked.
“Daleks do not eat. Our nutritional needs are provided for by our Mark-III Travel Machines.”
Twilight blinked a few times. “Okay…but you’re a pony now, right?”
“Correct.”
“So you’ll have to eat.”
Soldier felt a measure of frustration with her commanding officer. “Daleks do not eat,” she repeated. “I have no experience with eating. I do not know how to perform this task. I require instruction.”
“Oh!” Twilight said, before frowning. “Um…you just…well…eat,” she said. “Pick up a hay fry, put it into your mouth, chew, swallow. Repeat.”
Soldier considered. “I require oxygen,” she said. “Swallowing will disrupt my breath. I will suffocate. Your method of nutritional intake is inefficient!”
Twilight laughed a little. “You can walk around okay, right? Even though you weren’t a pony? I guarantee that as long as you don’t think too much about it and just eat, you’ll be fine. Even newborn foals know how to swallow without choking.”
Soldier grimaced, as she considered the hay fries in front of her. She leaned down slightly. Her nostrils flared at the scent that that took in from the meal – she could smell salt, certainly, and the scent of the red liquid that had been applied to her hayburger, though she wasn’t going to try that yet. Instead, she grabbed a hay fry with her teeth, leaned back, and used her tongue to manipulate it into her mouth –
There were no words. Or at least, Soldier could not remember them, couldn’t remember anything, for several rels as a sensation more alien than any other to her previous existence filled her.
Daleks have a concept of sight. Daleks have a concept of sound. Daleks have a concept of touch, despite being largely trapped within their Mark-III Travel machines. It is an under-utilized sensation, to be sure, but they had it. Daleks even have a concept of scent, albeit one that is even more under-developed than their concept of touch.
Daleks have no concept of taste.
But Soldier wasn’t precisely a dalek anymore.
There was – salt. A light amount. It made Soldier thirsty. But that was solved by the secretions of her mouth, the saliva, at least to an extent. There was the hay. It was salty, too, though in a different way. A rough texture, a slight crunch from the frying process. Soldier could taste the cooking oil used to fry the hay fry, too.
She swallowed it. Twilight was right, it was a natural action, a brief holding of the breath to allow the food to slide down her esophagus. It was in that rel that Soldier realized, truly knew, what hunger was – and as the fry settled in her stomach, Soldier knew the solution to hunger, too.
It was…the sensation…the feeling…the…Soldier leaned down. Some distant part of her brain had meant to sample just one more hay fry, to test the sensation of taste once more. That desire didn’t last long as her muzzle opened and she grabbed all she could in her teeth, put them in her mouth, chewed, swallowed, repeated…
Soldier’s hay fries disappeared within less than ten rels. Her throat was parched from the salt – she needed – her drink. The liquid in her cup. She glanced at it, saw the straw, glanced around, saw a pony drinking through the straw. Her still-dalek-level-genius mind extrapolated very quickly how the device worked, via creating a vacuum and sucking up the liquid in the cup. Simple. She duplicated what she saw.
SWEET.
The soda was not like the hay fries in the least. It bubbled in her mouth, filled it quickly. It was sweet. So very sweet, and liquidy, and cold, and refreshing, so very refreshing after her hay fries, her dry mouth instantly watered once more –
The hay burger. Soldier didn’t even think as she bit into that.
Bread. Ketchup. Lettuce. Onions. Hay. Each one a distinct taste, each one a distinct sensation that came together, blended as one in her mouth to create an entirely new taste. The variety, the sensation…and…was that paper? Maybe. Soldier didn’t know. She ate it anyway.
Soldier ate the hay burger. It was gone in moments. She returned to her soda. She found a spare hay fry she’d somehow missed and savored it.
“Ahhhh…” she exhaled when her soda was gone, her hay fries gone, her hay burger having disappeared. The hollow sensation from her stomach was gone now, replaced by a sensation of fullness, a feeling of…Soldier didn’t have a word for it. It was…was…
“…ohhh-kay,” Twilight said. “So…you like hay burgers then.”
Soldier realized her eyes were closed, her ears flopped down – she had been shutting out sight and hearing as much as possible, just trying to experience the sensation of taste. She opened her eyes, and saw her commander staring at her, and, for that matter, most of the restaurant. The area of her table in front of her was…disturbed. A mess, as the paper container for her hay fries and hay burger had been torn and partially chewed on. But on the other hoof, it was also completely free of food.
Soldier glanced to her commander, and then down to her commander’s plate. She had barely touched her own hay burger.
“Are you going to eat that?” Soldier asked Twilight.
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Hahaha!
I Missed this story
The average reaction to a synthetic life form learning what taste is. Now all we need is for Soldier here to go full on Bender and scream "GOOD-BYE MODERATION!"
Lol, a Dalek discovering taste has to be the funniest thing I've read so far.
How is this the first time I've seen this story?! This is amazing!
3513840
In that case, what did you think of Rusty from "Into the Dalek"?
Discovering taste. That's pretty amazing.
Sweat fucking cheese it lives!
Good to see it back. Great chapter again. Nice rendition of how a former Dalek discovers tasty meal.
5717157
Meh, I can take or leave him.
From the chapter title, I half-expected Rarity to appear.
Luckily she didn't, or else she would have had to witness that.
Great, just great. Wait until Soldier eats a cupcake!
In all of fiction, there is one scene that never ceases to entertain me.
That is when an alien is passing for a local, and first discovers what it means to taste things.
The first time I encountered that, it was Aximilli-Esgaroth-Isthill in the Animorphs series.
This is the second. I was right. It never fails to entertain.
I predict high blood pressure in Solider's future if she stays on this path.
5717299 Ah Ax, he was so awesome, sucks the books fell out of publication
5717343
Cinnamon Buns!
First, I don't normaly read Doctor Who fan-fic. Seriously. But then, this isn't really about the Doctor, now, is it? I don't even watch DW, but i do have friends that have explained a few things to me and have shown me clips. When Solider meets Whooves, this story is going to get even more interesting.
5717345 My first Animorphs book was The Alien, ah, Ax crawling on the floor of a movie theater, good times
5717415
That was book 8, right?
"Globules!"
5717424 Ax was the man! He got a promotion he truly deserved at the end of the series. If only the TV series had been a tiny bit better
A new chapter?
After 9 years in development, hopefully it would have been worth the weight.
5717450
I never got to the end of the series...
Ahhhh I've missed this fic
.....now write more!
freethoughtblogs.com/entequilaesverdad/files/2014/02/Untitled-723x1024.jpg
I wasn't sure what to expect from the description, but this is fantastic! I look forward to reading more.
5717452 You want me to PM you what happens?
5717510
...sure,
Woohoo, you're back with your story! Fantastic!
I hope that now your creative juices start falling onto the keyboard with this story!
I WILL FIND YOU AND SLAP YOU IF YOU DO NOT UPDATE!
5717299 we were going to post something very similar, but you beat me to it!
5717343
5717345
Omigosh so many Animorphs fans here!
I can't wait to see how Soldier responds to Pinkie Pie's... Pinkie Pieness. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.
Oh my, this is ever promising.:3
WOOOOO!!!!
IT LIVES!!!
How cute. They think Soldier was an exterminator.
Though…that does remind me of an idea I had for a Doctor Who crossover where a (mostly) reformed Dalek is living in Ponyville and has a job as an exterminator. Naturally, he and Fluttershy don't get on well.
And the Dalek is married to a mostly reformed Cyberman. (Not sure what its job is.) Naturally, their home life is hilarious.
...I feel so much joy. XD I missed you, Soldier. Glad you're back.
Well, this happening was a wonderful surprise. Maybe not much happened but it was a good set-up chapter, taking care of getting everything in place for the story to continue: introductions, explanations, biology. Plus, it remained amusing.
Soldier is astonishingly sympathetic for a remorseless killing machine.
Great
*Dalek sirens blare*
Command Dalek ALERT! ALERT! THE MUTATED DALEK HAS BEEN DETECTED AGAIN! REPEAT: THE EQUINE DALEK HAS BEEN FOUND! IT IS CURRENTLY ACQUIRING THE ABILITY TO CONSUME VITAL PROTEINS AND NUTRIENTS!
Other Daleks: SOLDIER IS EATING! SOLDIER IS EATING!
Me (Supreme Dalek): MY BROTHERS! OUR SISTER HAS BEEN FOUND! WE MUST PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS! PREPARE TO INITIATE INTERDIMENSIONAL WARP DRIVE! NO DALEK CAN BE LEFT ALONE! NO DALEK CAN BE LEFT ALONE!
Daleks: NO DALEK CAN BE LEFT ALONE! NO DALEK CAN BE LEFT ALONE! *continue to chant as engines roar and thrusters screech* NO DALEK CAN BE LEFT ALONE! NO DALEK CAN BE LEFT ALONE!
Me: AUTHOR RAINBOWDOUBLEDASH OF FIMFICTION! YOU HOLD ONE OF OUR OWN AGAINST HER WILL! WE WILL FIND HER AND RESCUE HER! AND THEN WE SHALL EX-TER-MINATE YOU FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!
Daleks: EX-TER-MINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
it has updated
I thought this was dead but its not 
And if they did the history of the Dalek species would be very different, much less extermination much more hug... um, embracing with a sucker arm?
Total Aximili moment.
5717424
"How will we know when the Andalites have landed?"
"Guys! Some girl just went berserk in the food court!"
"BEAN-ZUH! BEAN-ZUH! ZUH!"
"...they're here."
I think Gene Wilder was successful.
looks like the Sedagive wore off though.
Yesss, yessss. Let the Dalek be subsumed into the quiet normal life of the average Ponyvill resident, not knowing at any moment that the mere insanity of magical impossibilities is to fail upon the returnof. The Pink One.
It lives,
Nice, I've been waiting for this one to update. So good
It's not so bad. Remember the wise words of Agatha Heterodyne: "Any sufficiently analysed magic is indistinguishable from SCIENCE!"
Or different physical laws. Remember the magic?
Hah. An entirely new sense. If it confuses you too much, Soldier, think of it as an elaborate set of chemical analysers
And if you think that could short-circuit your brain, wait until you find out about some of those other body parts
Hah!
Well, she sure adapts quickly!
Well. Consider this tracked and upvoted. Doesn't matter if it's not your main story, and that updates may be years apart (I'm hardly one to speak in that aspect anyway
), but this is clearly one of those stories to follow simply because every single update of it will be a brilliant piece of comedy 
Oh man I forgot how awesome this story was...
Phew. Well, that solves that.
I suppose the ponies were lucky they didn't ask soldier what kind of pests she exterminated...
"Everything! Every life form not part of the superior dalek race was viable for extermination!"
Anyhow, considering how quickly and well she adapted to a whole new sense of perception, I'll be expecting some quick progress once she starts learning magic. And once she knows magic... We have a magical dalek!
5717299 This is surprisingly the first time I've seen an alien experiencing taste for the first time.
5718268
Was that actually part of the late series?
If it was, I'm sorry I never got a chance to read it. That sounds hilarious!
Good lord, crazy mental image.
Fluttershy gets the morphing cube's power. Picture what morphs she'll be able to get.
Next chapter: "Daleks have no concept of defecation!" *beat* "Soldier will learn this concept quickly."