My name is Dragons. I have this account which is only for The Immortal Pegasus series and stories. If you want to read any of my other stories I'm SaveTheDragons on this website.
There is a city where the metal spires of glass and lights float like clouds. Dark Sunset wants to see it. It might give answers as to why his brother was murdered, his father abandoned him as a foal, and why a mysterious blood red Pegasus is at the center of everything.
(Cover image not mine)
Page generated in 0.072 seconds
Total duration
906 users online
491,393 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
So, reading the prologue and Chapter 1, I can say there is definitely potential here. I'm interested in how this story continues; the writing's pretty good, too!
That said, I did notice several errors in Chapter 1:
Maybe stylistic issue, but I've always used the term "foreleg" for a pony's "arms". Especially since this seems to be a pegasus playing, this popped out at me.
Awkward wording; perhaps "streamlined look he carried" instead? At the very least, I'm pretty sure "the carried" is a typo.
Perhaps "I" was what you were looking for there?
This one needs revision. "A deep black fedora with a ribbon of a slightly lighter black around it", maybe?
Need a question mark here.
I think you accidentally a verb
Also, in the dream sequence, "but decay" should be "by decay".
Past that, pretty good! Unfortunate low view count, but when the pegasus revealed his name, I think I realized why. Black-and-red OC with author's name in a non-comedy story has a stigma attached that's powerful hard to overcome, coming from black-and-red alicorn self-insert OCs ending up as Mary Sues. He's a pegasus, so he's got the lack of a horn going for him at least. Stay out of the Sue-zone and this fic looks like it'll be a fun read
Thank you. I did write the first chapter through FIMfiction so it didn't pick up my errors for me. Thank you.
3617745
I've found it to be a good idea usually to write in some kind of word-processing software or application and then copy it over to Fimfiction, precisely to catch errors. Formatting it again can be a pain, especially for longer chapters (in one of my stories I actually completely forgot to apply all the italicization I'd had...) but it's worth it just to ensure all the words you'd wanted are there. Google Docs is good if you don't have anything else; I use Word, myself, mainly out of familiarity. Once more, good luck!
EDIT: Aaaand finished the rest of it. Yeah, this looks like it'll be an interesting read. Continue...
I like this story. Please continue it as soon as you can!