Journal of a Royal Guard

by Mr101

Entries 4-5

June 29th, 1 DR

Been a week or so since I last made an entry, mainly because there has been bugger all going on. Since my… time, with princess Luna, I’ve literally just been on bog standard guard duty. Stand in corridor A and look like I hold importance, followed by lunch, followed by stand in corridor T and look like I hold importance.

Wonders of being a guard.

Yeah, I know that it wasn’t going to be all battles and damsels in distress like you see in comics and such. But by god is this boring, I mean, more boring than I thought it was possible! So that’s been my first few days of being a guard, standing in corridors, being upstaged by six girls - one with a fantastic arse - and being verbally assaulted into the wall.

Best of all, the other guards won’t shut the fuck up about it. Virtually every single moment they can get they will say shit like ‘look out, here comes princess Luna!’ or they’d simple shout at me as loud as they could when I got back into the barracks. And naturally, they laugh, I laugh and then I die a little inside…

I sent a letter to my parents the other day and basically fed them a spoonful of bullshit about how much I was enjoying the job and how much of a difference I thought I was making and blah, blah, blah. I especially took care in not to mention my cock up with the princess on both counts.

But, I guess I can’t keep complaining I suppose. I have to keep a stern and emotionless expression pretty much at all times, professionalism and all that according to the Captain. Like any of the nobles would give us lowly guards the time of day anyway, I could be flipping the bird and they wouldn’t even notice. You know, unless I smacked them in the face first.

Tomorrow will be interesting though, I’m getting a new assignment which apparently is me being the guard to a high ranking noble. The other guards seem to be happy I’m getting it which is odd, still, sucks to be them when they see me escorting a sexy Lady of the court and they’re not.

~Copper

---

June 30th, 1 DR

I’m really beginning to think that the princesses and the Captain despise me, I truly am. Let me tell you why.

So I get up nice an early, earlier than I usually do, and get myself looking very presentable. Quick shave, brush the teeth thoroughly, comb my hair etcetera and heck I even had a salad for breakfast so I could avoid belching by accident. After I gave my armor a good polishing, I headed out with a confident smile on my face to see who I was going to be guarding.

Sadly, it wasn’t going to be a woman, rather, a man. That isn’t what I had a problem with, it still would have meant I could have tried a little bit of brown nosing in order to make my life better. What I have a problem with is who it was.

Prince Blueblood.

Now, I know what you’d be thinking. I should’ve been honoured to guard a Prince for the day and well, you’d think that as did I. I mean, Blueblood is the talk of the town usually about how nice he is to the townsfolk.

Well, he ain’t nice to the guards, or the maids, or the butlers, or the kitchen staff, or anyone he deems to be under him so basically everyone in the fucking castle.

Seriously, how the fuck did the town paint him as some form of hero? The guy is a complete and utter arsehole! It didn’t start off too bad, I met him in the throne room and introduced myself and he smiled and gave me a list of things he was planning to do that day. Well, I say list, but the thing must’ve been well over fifteen pages long.

So we leave the palace and go into the grounds where he was going to have morning tea with a couple of the local nobles, I think they were called Fancy Pants and Fleur De something or rather I don’t know it was Prench. That wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it was really annoying the way he treated me like a bloody butler. I’m a royal guard, not a butler. And despite me telling him my name, he kept mispronouncing it. How hard is it to say Copper Hand.

‘More tea, Creeper Hand.’

‘Don’t stand there like an idiot! Raise the shade up, Cropper Hole.’

‘My aunt doesn’t pay you to stand there like a simpleton, Cooper Hale.’

I must have ground my teeth into near dust with the amount of grinding I was doing trying to not lose my temper. Every Time that stuck up, arrogant prick opened his mouth to speak it sounded like nails on a chalkboard, I swear whenever he speaks, a kitten dies.

After the delightful tea, I had to escort his royal dick headedness into the town in order to overlook some public projects that were happening. And what really got on my nerves about that was how his personality suddenly shifted from this arrogant jerk-off to a happy go lucky man of the people, seriously, how does no one else see him for what he really is?

Oh and get this, he actually used my name when we were in public. But I could clearly tell he was often struggling to actually remember it, which added more to my hatred of the guy.

Soon after he was done whoring himself out for publicity - thats all it actually was - we returned to the castle for lunch. Now, I was expecting to be relieved of duty so I was able to go and eat my own lunch or at least, join the Prince but no. I had to stand by his side as I was forced to go hungry.

Okay, maybe that was a little lie, I wasn’t actually left to go hungry. The Prince decided to use me as a taster and made me nibble every bit of his food, which I suppose wasn’t to bad, but by god why does rich people food taste like shit? Is it meant to be that bad?

After that delightful luncheon, we had to go to the council rooms were princess Celestia and Luna were having a meeting with some of the griffin ambassador or something. I have to admit it was rather funny to see princess Luna see me and blush, that’s never getting old.

But again, like a cat in a blender, my good mood wasn’t to last. No sooner had he sat his royal arse down, he acted as if he was the one in charge of the damn meeting. I mean, there is arrogance and then there’s his arrogance.

I think I wasn’t the only one there who thought this. I could tell from the looks of the other guards in there - even the griffin ones- he was pissing them off hell, I could’ve sworn I saw princess Celestia’s eye twitch a couple of times.

Thankfully, the end of the meeting signaled the end of my shift with the god awful bastard and a new task for tomorrow. I really don’t think it could get any worse than it could’ve today.

~Copper

Author's Note:

[Edited version to come] Any errors, feel free to let me know!

Comments

[Merc the Jerk]

Humanized ponies

Sold.

Edit: Downvotes from that? i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee222/merc_the_jerk/1380586956721_zpseb79fe70.gif

Stay classy, Fimfiction.

[Field Marshall Nuggetman]

Be a guard they say

Your be famous they say

You don't do jack shit they say

Easiest fucking job in da world.

[Tatsurou]

Glad to see Blueblood shown for the fraud he is.

[Fugly Duckling]

"The bloody Captain had me clean the Princess's private lavatory last night for smoking on duty. It doesn't seem bad I know, but given she had another one of her bloody cake binges last night... it took me hours to scrub that sh*t of the ceiling..."

...JESUS CHRIST

also, i was sure he'd say something about one of the princessessessesseseesssss ass/arse/butt/sitting-meat

[Fugly Duckling]

3347256 yeah but he had to explain it to:

1: a princess
2: an adult (thousands of years old... propably)
3: a person that's socially awkward
4: propably a virgin (since a non virgin propably wouldn't react that strong)
5 a hopefully beautiful woman/god

#6: a beautiful princess that is a few thousands of years old that is socially awkward and a virgin... propably

[Fugly Duckling]

3347296 eh, he's portrayed like a douche in (almost) every fic.

[Tatsurou]

3347374
Makes it easier if you close your eyes while explaining it.

"Why am I keeping my eyes closed? Well, Princess, it is because you are a drop dead gorgeous Goddess and keeping my eyes closed while explaining pornography to you is the only way I can keep myself from picturing you in a pornographic manner. ...yes, I do get one day off a week. Saturday, why? ...I suppose I could escort you around Canterlot this Saturday. Are you asking me on a date? ... ... ..."

One hour later, the next shift found both Luna and Copper Hand having fainted dead away from mutual embarrassment.

[Tatsurou]

3347380
I meant the way he sucks up to the populace of the city to maintain his image.

[Fugly Duckling]

3347394 ... that's just wishfull thinking

[Tatsurou]

3347403
Could easily see it happening, considering she's still blushing every time she sees him.

[Kishin]

My aunt doesn’t pay you to stand there like a simpleton

Well actually...

[Wiriamuzu]

The Luna parts were what made me cry from laughing so freaking hard... Just Priceless!

[Icarus Crimsonhoof]

Blueblood the biggest douche ever.

[ArguingPizza]

This is amazing. I mean it, this is fraking great

[Mr101]

3348877
Whoopsie, changed the date to work it better. You never saw that.
3350295
Thanks for the spot, fixed.

[Dan]

Egophiliac is a HER?

Well, I feel stupid.

[Kingcam]

3351110
Allowed.

[Kustom95]

you said that Fleur was Prench..... I might be wrong, but i think you meant a different nationality of a similar name

i like it so far, keep it up and see about stuffing a bit more into every entry

[DisgruntledBrony]

3352051 Nah, man, she's Prench. You know, from Prance?

[WorldWalker128]

I'm enjoying it so far.

[Kustom95]

3352166 My most sincere apologies, I completely forgot about the Prench. I should go review my geography again

[Bad_Seed_72]

Great story so far! I spotted a few mistakes (which I can point out to you if you'd like), however, so give it a quick run-through with an editor or a keen eye and you'll be all set!

And poor Copper Hand... having to deal with Blueballs Blueblood...

[Mr101]

3353378
Thanks, and feel free to let me know.

[Mr101]

3355584
Honestly, I've never played League so if it was a reference then it was literally a happy accident.

[Lord_Kalbario]

"I really don’t think it could get any worse than it could’ve today."

LET ME QUOTE A LINE FROM A STORY I READ BEFORE
"HE WASN'T JUST TEMPTING FATE, OH NO. THE GOOD CAPTAIN ACTIVELY SEDUCED AND WAS MAKING WEIRD SWEET HARD LOVE TO IT"
that is all...

[FashionablyHospitable]

3374715 You hyper-evolved, futuristic thundermonkey.

[MidnightFMare]

3499378 and you are a precognitionary homo-superior with genius leaking out your pores

[The Feline Bard]

3374715 I must know the source of this line, good sir/madam/mayonnaise

[Yoni]

The Prince decided to use me as a taster and made me nibble every bit of his food, which I suppose wasn’t to bad

should be 'too'

After that delightful luncheon, we had to go to the council rooms were princess Celestia and Luna were having a meeting with some of the griffin ambassador or something

should be 'where'