• Published 14th Oct 2013
  • 3,634 Views, 126 Comments

Journal of a Royal Guard - Mr101

"Be a royal guard, mother said... do your part for the kingdom, mother said... I'm sure you won't have to deal with evil princesses, chaotic gods, stuck up princes, troublesome brats and failed invasions! I hate my job...

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Entries 11-12

Author's Note:

So, so sorry on how late this update is. I kinda got sidetracked by a lot of real life stuff as well as other fics I'm working on. This is unedited so if you see an error, feel free to let me know.

July 11th, 1 DR

You know, life can really fuck you over sometimes. You know?

Don’t get me wrong, some things that happened today were just fucking amazing, but then it kinda just fucked me over.

I guess I’d better explain what I mean.

So, as you know. After my ‘heroic’ actions in foiling the kidnapping of Prince Bluebugger, I was getting a promotion as well as an medal award ceremony couple with a personal thank you from the Princess’ themselves. Now, although I thought at first my parents would be annoyed about having to travel down to Canterlot at such short notice to be at said ceremony.

I was hoping on it annoying them, due to this whole ‘being a guard’ thing is really being mother’s fault, seeing how I didn’t want to be one originally. But anyway, that didn’t work and they weren’t annoyed. They were actually proud if I’m honest, so… I guess that’s cool.

What did make it better, though, they managed to get my brother down to see the ceremony!

Why is that good? I’ll get to that.

So there I am, all smart in my uniform walking up to Princess Celestia herself. Mother sobbing with joy and father smiling with pride, and my brother looking like he couldn’t give a flying toss. I also saw a few of my mates who were able to attend short notice, including Berry Punch and her kid, both looking happy to see me.

Best bit is, my brother saw them and he gave me a dirty look filled with so much maliciousness that it would’ve made a changeling gag.

It was delicious!

Anyway, getting off topic.

There were quite a fair few nobles there as well, all eager to see the new valiant hero. That, or just get a friggin photo op with the local papers.

Gunna go with the latter on that one.

Anyway, I’m given my medal by Celestia who I didn’t hear talking as I was staring at her badonkadonks. I mean, who wouldn’t? Plus, they were literally in my fucking face, could you blame me?!

As I looked over the crowd, I smiled as I literally bathed in the applause, soaking in it like an egotistical little fucker. Not gunna lie, was bloody amazing!

Never felt so good in all my life! Well… save for when I’m smoking… or drinking… or fucking.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the ceremony.

Just as I thought the ceremony was going to end and we’d move onto the food, Princess Celestia announced one of my new duties.

And that, is when all of my happiness was instantly destroyed right in front of me.

As part of my heroic duties, I am now, as insisted by him, the personal guard to Prince Bluebastard.

I really fucking hate my life sometimes, you know?

So yeah, after I have given the new cadets basic help around the castle an shit, I will be assigned to Bluebugger as his personal guard for Faust knows how long.

Worst still, after the event I was gunna introduce Berry as my ’squeeze’ to my folks, seeing how I had mentioned her in a letter the other day. It was more or less me wanting my brother to meet her, just so I could rub more shit in his face given he is single at the moment, but she annoyingly and sadly had to leave early. Something about her kid having to go to her father’s house and they needed to catch a train.

So, yeah, shit new duties, and no woman on my arm. One I couldn’t show my folks or brother.

I could tell they didn’t believe me…

My old man sighed softly, my mother tried to give me some sympathy. And my brother?

Well, the fuck do you think?

The fucker was laughing his stupid arse off!

If our mother wasn’t there I would have decked him right there and then.

But then again… it was more the fact I was in a large area filled with nobles… and my superiors… and the press… and the Princess’.

I’ll get my own back at some point, mark my words!

Ah well, despite the shit that has happened, it feels good to have some degree of power over the privates. And still, at least Shining Armor is now the Captain. That guy is real solid.

Apparently rumor has it he’s been banging that Princess Cadance or something.

Lucky wanker…

Anyway, tomorrow marks me babysitting the new cadets coming in to join Princess Luna’s guard.

Gee, can’t wait…


July 12th, 1DR

[First part of the entry is covered in several dozen crossed out words, the words themselves are unreadable due to how much ink is on the page. The second part of the entry has been crudely ripped out, leaving the page virtually ruined. The entry continues on the fourth page after the first one, due to the next three being unusable due to the damage.]

Good, fucking, grief!

I have never, ever, been so livid in all of my Faust-damn life!

I mean, for the love of everything that is fucking holy, what did I fucking do to fucking deserve this fucking punishment the fucking fuck fucker ancestors have given me?!


Sorry, trying to cut down on profanity recently, isn’t really working. Let me tell you why.

As you know, I was tasked with a few others to go and essentially babysit some of the new cadets that were joining Princess Luna’s guard. That shouldn’t have been too bad, right?

And you’d be right, in fact. It seemed pretty damn easy.

We met them at six on the dot in the courtyard, only days after they had completed initial boot camp training and I had to say, they weren’t all that impressive looking. Mostly generic men and women really. Yes, I’m aware I was a baker before this, I’m a Corp now. Sue me

Anyway,as we were inspecting them. Captain Armor stated that we each get two cadets to watch over, however, there was an odd number of them so I was stuck with the one. I was hoping for a woman I could try and ‘impress’ and then maybe later, some sex.

However, just as you’d imagine, I was stuck with a bloke. No biggie really when you think about it, means I could probably make a new friend, right?


The guy in question is one of those odd guys, you know, vampires? Well, they aren’t called that but I can’t really remember their name. Don’t get me wrong, I think they look fucking awesome, and it was pretty cool to discover that there was a different type of human in the world. Long story short, they were supporters of Princess Luna and had fled to the outer parts of the kingdom after her fall, most likely to avoid persecution or something.

But then he spoke.

Dear. Faust.

I’ve heard high pitched guys before, I’ve heard guys on helium. Hell, I’ve even heard a man have his balls kicked with enough force to allow him to sing castrato!

The man’s voice was like nails on a chalkboard but multiplied by about fifty! And don’t get me started on that bloody kee noise he makes. What astounded me was how no-one else seemed to be affected by his ‘voice’. I envy them.

Moving on, so I get talking to him, barely resisting the urge to punch him and learn his name which was Dewdrop.

Don’t ask, I just assume his folks hate him or something.

Anyway, we get talking and at first he seemed pretty alright, despite the voice. Pretty damn keen as well. We spent most of the morning going over basic things but about an hour into it.

Oh… my sweet hot ex’s arse does his voice, personality… everything! About him get on your nerves. I wanted to snap his bloody fangs out and jam them in his eye sockets.

And I thought Prince Bluebitch was bad!

But what really, really made me hate this guy is what he did.

Now, the way some of our duties work is this. The guards who aren’t already assigned to a task, such as guarding the Princess’ or overseeing a public affair, are sat down in a large hall with some of the seniors, usually the Lieutenant. But due to there being no Lieutenant just yet giving the Captain’s own promotion, he was presiding over the situation.

This is where Dewdrops fucked me off.

No, not like that you dirty minded scuzzballs.

The way you are usually and are supposed to be assigned is automatic, the Lt. will auto assign you a random task which you then do. I usually sit at the back and doze off during these parts and get woken up by the Lieutenant and given my assignment so, naturally. I dozed off as per the norm.

I wish I hadn’t.

I woke up with the guys giving me a wicked looking grin as the Captain handed me a clipboard with a long, long list on it. I then realised why they had all been grinning at me.

Dewdrop volunteered us for every. Single. Duty. For today.

And not the good duties, either! Like guarding a noble or some shit, no. He volunteered us for cleaning the barrack latrines, patrolling the dungeons, patrolling the outskirts of the city, guarding the day court and cleaning the armor and weapons.

Everything a guard hates to do… he volunteered us.

He just volunteered right out of the fucking blue! He wanted to, oh how did he put it?

‘Learn more about his new job, even if it meant doing the bog standard duties.’

Go fuck yourself, Dewdrop. You pointy tooth bastard!

Now, I know you’re thinking that it couldn’t have been that bad. But remember, this guy has an annoying voice, an annoying cheerful disposition and is overly keen.

I spent the entire day listening to that bastard’s high as fuck voice and he wouldn’t shut up, even after I ordered him to shut up he would still talk after a few minutes of silence. It’s like having a fucking child with you that just doesn't give a shit! Not only that, he kept making these stupid kee noises every so often and he would sometimes stare at me intently with his stupid, big slit eyes.

Well, I’ll get him back for it. I’ve been thinking of one or two plans to get back at Dewdrop for making this day as shit as it could be, mark my words. First Dewdrop, then my brother!

Hopefully, my time with Dewdrop, which is about a week or so, will prepare me for my time with Bluebastard.

Surely it can only get better… right?


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