"Be a royal guard, mother said... do your part for the kingdom, mother said... I'm sure you won't have to deal with evil princesses, chaotic gods, stuck up princes, troublesome brats and failed invasions! I hate my job...
"The bloody Captain had me clean the Princess's private lavatory last night for smoking on duty. It doesn't seem bad I know, but given she had another one of her bloody cake binges last night... it took me hours to scrub that sh*t off the ceiling..."
Meet Copper Hand, a Private in the Royal Guard. (Not by choice.)
Take a journey into his life through his journal entries that detail the horror thrill there is to being one of Celestia's finest.
A simple series of short journal entries. Humanized ponies, rated teen for language and some sexual related comments.
Well, I’d better start this thing off by introducing myself.
My name is Copper Hand, I’m 6’ 1”, short brown hair, stubble, dark orange eyes and average build. I was born in Trottingham to Mr and Mrs Hand. Yeah, not the most amazing name I know, but apparently it belonged to my great-add as many greats as you can be fucked with here- grandfather.
The reason why I’m writing these stupid entries is because mother insists it’s a great way to express my feelings and remember the highlights of my job.
Hah!
I’ve only been here two days and I'm already regretting this! The only bloody reason I took the bloody job is because mother wouldn’t shut up about how my older brother, Golden Hand, looked in his Manehatten guard armor.
‘Oh he’s so handsome, all the girls love a man in uniform…’
Fuck. Off.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love women. I love their smiles, their hair, their personalities… and have you ever seen anything more finer than a woman’s arse?
Sorry, getting off topic… and ignore the drool spot. Now, where was I?
Oh that’s right, I didn’t even want to be a bloody guard! I was quite content being a baker. Seriously, the food smells great, the customers aren’t bitchy and are generally nice people, and, at the end of the day, you got to eat the leftover food.
But I guess it was worth it to become a guard, just to see Golden’s face when I told him I had gotten into the Canterlot garrison… it was b-e-a-utiful.
I’m getting off-topic again. Like I said, mother suggested I keep these entries, and I guess I might as well. Would be a good way to vent alongside the cider and smokes.
Like I said, it’s two days in and I’m already regretting it. All I’ve done these past couple of days is stand in a corridor and try to look like I hold some form of importance.
Yeah, real difference I’m making to the Kingdom mother!
I shouldn’t complain too much, I suppose. Tomorrow is when I get my first proper assignment. I’m going to be part of the guard that escorts the princess herself to Ponyville for that Summer Sun celebration she does.
Suck it, Golden Hand.
Not a big problem, right? Just stand there, look important, maybe flirt with some of the local women? Either way, I’m actually kind of looking forward to it.
~Copper
June 21st, 1 DR
Okay… so I think it’s safe to say, the captain is fucking terrifying when he is pissed.
Why do I say this? Well, remember how yesterday I was apart of that squad sent to accompany the princess to Ponyville? It seemed simple enough. Hell a child could’ve done this task.
Now, as a guard, you’re expected to take certain duties on board. Namely to give your life for the kingdom and the princess, and I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is, WHY DID NO ONE FUCKING TELL ME THERE WAS A SECOND PRINCESS, AND SHE WAS FUCKING EVIL?
I mean, for the love of everything holy, Princess Celestia raises the damn sun and moon, right? Well, it turns out she had a sister who used to control the moon. That’s right, the moon. Making her essentially a god.
They never covered dealing with a god in basic training! Hell, Princess Celestia fucking vanished in a split second, how the hell do you counter that?!
Short answer, YOU CAN’T!
So there we were, the three of us doing our thing, guarding the Princess, when this other woman appears and announces she’s going to take over. So, naturally, we charge in ready to save the day when WHAM! Lightning bolt knocked us all out for the count.
And, just to add salt to the wound, when we woke up. the Princess was back and the day had been saved by SIX. LITTLE. GIRLS!
Okay, maybe not girls per say as they clearly are adults. But six civilians nonetheless! Although… the long, pink-haired one with the yellow jumper had a sweet arse on her…
The Princess commended us for our brave efforts - though I damn well know she must have been pissed as hell - and we flew back to the capital. And that’s when we were… debriefed.
Now, most people know what a debrief is. You report to your superior about what happened and you basically discuss it. The captain, however, took a different approach.
I can still feel the old bastard’s spit on my face.
He must’ve been shouting at us for a good half hour about what a bunch of incompetent, lazy, worthless, maggoty, poor excuse for royal guards we were. Frankly I didn’t care, because I had a lovely image of him being ripped apart by hydras in my mind. So I just took the verbal bashing.
After the spit-bath that was our debriefing, we were all given harsh assignments to carry on with for the next month. That was until the princess had insisted the punishments weren’t that harsh as she felt bad (supposedly) we were not trained to fight a demented goddess, so we were given low ranking assignments in stea, Much to the captains annoyance.
Miserable prick…
Tomorrow, I get to have the grand job of guarding the new princess for the next few days. Yeah, I know that doesn’t sound low ranking, but she’s been gone for a thousand years. Guess what muggins will be doing for the next few days?
Answering all her questions on whatever she doesn’t understand.
Ah well, least it beats cleaning out the lavatories with a toothbrush for a month. What’s the worst that could happen?
~Copper
June 22nd, 1 DR
I think I’ve gone deaf.
No, I mean it, I think I have literally gone deaf.
I mean by Celestia, why does everything princess Luna have to say, she has to shout it? I’m not even exaggerating, she literally shouts about everything! She says that, apparently, it’s how they spoke ‘back in the day,’ or something like that, but I swear she’s doing it to just piss me off.
And that wasn’t even the worst part of it.
Remember how I was to answer all her questions? Yeah, there was one question she asked which made me shit bricks like you wouldn’t believe.
She asked me what pornography was.
Have you ever, ever had to try and explain pornography to someone who doesn't know what it is? It’s difficult. Try explaining it to a damn princess!
I don’t think I have ever felt that nervous and terrified in my life. I didn’t have any idea how to start that conversation at all. Instead, I tried to steer the conversation away from the topic but would she give up? Noooo she just insisted on knowing what it was.
Because I’m the only schmuck who was stuck with the job, I reluctantly tried my best to explain what it was. Easier said then done.
I don’t really remember exactly how I described it, but I think it embarrassed the princess somewhat. After all, it took three guards to pry me from the wall after I was embedded in there by her damn voice. Seriously, that shit was loud!
So now, I’m off princess babysitting duty for the meantime and currently back to guarding the hallway. And frankly, I couldn’t be more happier with that at the moment.
Princess Luna still won’t speak to me when I see her. She only blushes.
It’s the little things in life that keep your spirits up.
Been a week or so since I last made an entry, mainly because there has been bugger all going on. Since my… time, with princess Luna, I’ve literally just been on bog standard guard duty. Stand in corridor A and look like I hold importance, followed by lunch, followed by stand in corridor T and look like I hold importance.
Wonders of being a guard.
Yeah, I know that it wasn’t going to be all battles and damsels in distress like you see in comics and such. But by god is this boring, I mean, more boring than I thought it was possible! So that’s been my first few days of being a guard, standing in corridors, being upstaged by six girls - one with a fantastic arse - and being verbally assaulted into the wall.
Best of all, the other guards won’t shut the fuck up about it. Virtually every single moment they can get they will say shit like ‘look out, here comes princess Luna!’ or they’d simple shout at me as loud as they could when I got back into the barracks. And naturally, they laugh, I laugh and then I die a little inside…
I sent a letter to my parents the other day and basically fed them a spoonful of bullshit about how much I was enjoying the job and how much of a difference I thought I was making and blah, blah, blah. I especially took care in not to mention my cock up with the princess on both counts.
But, I guess I can’t keep complaining I suppose. I have to keep a stern and emotionless expression pretty much at all times, professionalism and all that according to the Captain. Like any of the nobles would give us lowly guards the time of day anyway, I could be flipping the bird and they wouldn’t even notice. You know, unless I smacked them in the face first.
Tomorrow will be interesting though, I’m getting a new assignment which apparently is me being the guard to a high ranking noble. The other guards seem to be happy I’m getting it which is odd, still, sucks to be them when they see me escorting a sexy Lady of the court and they’re not.
~Copper
June 30th, 1 DR
I’m really beginning to think that the princesses and the Captain despise me, I truly am. Let me tell you why.
So I get up nice an early, earlier than I usually do, and get myself looking very presentable. Quick shave, brush the teeth thoroughly, comb my hair etcetera and heck I even had a salad for breakfast so I could avoid belching by accident. After I gave my armor a good polishing, I headed out with a confident smile on my face to see who I was going to be guarding.
Sadly, it wasn’t going to be a woman, rather, a man. That isn’t what I had a problem with, it still would have meant I could have tried a little bit of brown nosing in order to make my life better. What I have a problem with is who it was.
Prince Blueblood.
Now, I know what you’d be thinking. I should’ve been honoured to guard a Prince for the day and well, you’d think that as did I. I mean, Blueblood is the talk of the town usually about how nice he is to the townsfolk.
Well, he ain’t nice to the guards, or the maids, or the butlers, or the kitchen staff, or anyone he deems to be under him so basically everyone in the fucking castle.
Seriously, how the fuck did the town paint him as some form of hero? The guy is a complete and utter arsehole! It didn’t start off too bad, I met him in the throne room and introduced myself and he smiled and gave me a list of things he was planning to do that day. Well, I say list, but the thing must’ve been well over fifteen pages long.
So we leave the palace and go into the grounds where he was going to have morning tea with a couple of the local nobles, I think they were called Fancy Pants and Fleur De something or rather I don’t know it was Prench. That wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it was really annoying the way he treated me like a bloody butler. I’m a royal guard, not a butler. And despite me telling him my name, he kept mispronouncing it. How hard is it to say Copper Hand.
‘More tea, Creeper Hand.’
‘Don’t stand there like an idiot! Raise the shade up, Cropper Hole.’
‘My aunt doesn’t pay you to stand there like a simpleton, Cooper Hale.’
I must have ground my teeth into near dust with the amount of grinding I was doing trying to not lose my temper. Every Time that stuck up, arrogant prick opened his mouth to speak it sounded like nails on a chalkboard, I swear whenever he speaks, a kitten dies.
After the delightful tea, I had to escort his royal dick headedness into the town in order to overlook some public projects that were happening. And what really got on my nerves about that was how his personality suddenly shifted from this arrogant jerk-off to a happy go lucky man of the people, seriously, how does no one else see him for what he really is?
Oh and get this, he actually used my name when we were in public. But I could clearly tell he was often struggling to actually remember it, which added more to my hatred of the guy.
Soon after he was done whoring himself out for publicity - thats all it actually was - we returned to the castle for lunch. Now, I was expecting to be relieved of duty so I was able to go and eat my own lunch or at least, join the Prince but no. I had to stand by his side as I was forced to go hungry.
Okay, maybe that was a little lie, I wasn’t actually left to go hungry. The Prince decided to use me as a taster and made me nibble every bit of his food, which I suppose wasn’t to bad, but by god why does rich people food taste like shit? Is it meant to be that bad?
After that delightful luncheon, we had to go to the council rooms were princess Celestia and Luna were having a meeting with some of the griffin ambassador or something. I have to admit it was rather funny to see princess Luna see me and blush, that’s never getting old.
But again, like a cat in a blender, my good mood wasn’t to last. No sooner had he sat his royal arse down, he acted as if he was the one in charge of the damn meeting. I mean, there is arrogance and then there’s his arrogance.
I think I wasn’t the only one there who thought this. I could tell from the looks of the other guards in there - even the griffin ones- he was pissing them off hell, I could’ve sworn I saw princess Celestia’s eye twitch a couple of times.
Thankfully, the end of the meeting signaled the end of my shift with the god awful bastard and a new task for tomorrow. I really don’t think it could get any worse than it could’ve today.
It’s been two days since I had to spend that awful time with Blueballs and I think I’ve gotten over it. Thankfully, he had to go out of town to Manehatten on ‘urgent’ (I’d like to think that Princess Celestia was just getting rid of him for the day) royal business, and since I’m still a newbie in the eyes of the Captain, one of the veterans went with him instead.
Poor bastard, I hope he survived the day.
Anyway, there’s going to be some new changes around here apparently, now that Princess Luna is back. According to the Captain, the Princess used to have her own guard that was disbanded when she became Nightmare Moon, so now, she’s getting her guard back.
Which means, there’s going to be a few new recruits joining in a few days in order to be apart of her guard as well as some of the Solar veterans joining it. I haven’t been selected but I think this is due to the incident involving my… ‘brilliant’ explanation of pornography.
But back to today. Once again, my day has been filled with guarding a generic corridor from anyone who dared to try and … disturb the peace I guess. Ah well, at least it gave me a chance to have a sneaky fag.
Nothing beats the rush of a drag from a smoke I’ll tell you that! Well… maybe an ice cold tankard of cider.
Tomorrow looks promising as well, given I have tomorrow night off, as well as the 4th. I plan to go and visit some mates down in Ponyville and catch up with them, get drunk, play cards the usual routine. Plus, it gives me a chance to find out the name of the girl with the sweet arse, who knows, could get lucky.
~Copper
July 3rd, 1 DR
So… the captain gave me an ear bashing this morning. Apparently some fucker ratted me out after seeing me have a craft smoke. And sheesh was the captain angry.
I mean, he was furious when me and the others cocked up guarding Princess Celestia during the summer sun celebration - which, by the way, was totally justified - but by god he was really going for it this time. He was acting if I’d just been caught wanking or something. I dunno, guess he was on his man period. I sort of just tuned him out like last time and imagined he was being ripped apart by a pack of timberwolves this time.
That doesn’t make me bad imagining that, right?
Anyway, after another spit bath that was my telling off, he informed me that when I got back from my days off I was to report to the janitor and scrub Princess Celestia and Luna’s bathrooms as well as Prince Blueball’s. Whilst this isn’t that bad, its still a pain in my arse.
At least I won’t get blasted into a wall by ‘the voice’ again thats for certain.
And anyway, at least it’s actually something to do, rather than just standing around trying to look like I hold some form of importance around here. Plus, I might get to work alongside the maids and some of them are fine as fuck.
I’m going to leave my journal here when I leave later, don’t want to run the risk of losing it in town. I’ll add some entries based on how my time off goes.
~Copper
July 4th, 1 DR
I fucking love my life. I really do.
Like, seriously, I woke up to the best thing that every man has ever wanted.
A sexy, curvy, naked woman.
So basically, I got to my mates house towards the late afternoon yesterday and we hung out for bit at his place, played some cards, chatted a bit etc. He also showed me around the town properly seeing as I now had a chance to see it for all its worth and I have to admit, when its not under attack from a crazy evil moon goddess it’s a really beautiful little town.
Think I might retire here one day.
After walking around the town, we met up with our other friends who had gotten off work early and had the night off like myself and headed towards one of Ponyville’s best night clubs.
Club 34.
Better still, DJ-Pon3 was there that night. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a club that lively before.
And that’s where it started to get better for me.
After about ten minutes of dancing I went to grab me and the guys a drink when I met this woman at the bar, pretty thing, shoulder length hair and knee length dark pink dress that snugged around her arse like you wouldn’t believe. I got chatting with her and found out her name was Berry Punch.
I gave the guys their drinks and bought me and Berry some more and we continued chatting, I found out she also had the night off as well as the following day and was unwinding with some of her friends who I got to meet. I think they were called Colgate, Lyra and Bon-Bon.
We got dancing and generally were having a fantastic time. We made each other laugh. About three hours of this, we were both were pretty pissed off our skulls when she suggested we go back to her place, which I was more than happy to do so.
We stumbled throughout the town laughing as we did and I remember she kept groping my arse which only drove my arousal sky high.
Her house wasn’t that bad to be honest. A nice simple two story building near the edge of the town. But honestly, I wasn’t really there to admire the architecture.
We hadn’t gotten halfway up the stairs before the clothes were coming off and by god, I nearly lost it when she took her bra off.
Annoyingly, it’s… kinda blurry after that. But I remember waking up and seeing her cuddling with me, she woke soon after and smiled claiming. And I quote.
‘Best. Fuck. Ever.’
My brother can go suck it!
We had breakfast and chatted a fair bit after that and I have to admit, she’s a pretty awesome woman. She runs a wine bar not to far from her home with another of her friends and they take turns managing it, she also has a kid called Pinchy who was currently staying with her grandparents for the weekend.
I felt kind of bad though because I was going into this just as a one night stand, but that’s where the day just got better and better. She said to me, and again, I quote.
‘I’m not really looking for a relationship right now, just someone I can have fun with from time to time. That’s not a problem is it?’
I think I heard a chorus of angels singing when she said that.
I told her it was fine and we exchanged details, and promises to meet up again at some point and with that, I headed back to my mates house to tell him the good news.
After he requested the highest of fives, I had lunch round his before heading back to Canterlot in order to go back to work the next day. I knew I was going to be starting my punishment for smoking on duty tomorrow but frankly, I couldn’t give a toss.
Hell, I couldn’t give a damn if it was going to be a hard days work. I was in just too good of a mood to care!
Aside from the fact nothing has been going on around here for the past five days, meaning most of my time has been once again ‘guarding’ corridors.
Gee, ain’t being a guard swell?
Anyway, the only other thing that has happened was I managed to piss off the majority of the other guards. After my… ‘fun’ with Berry Punch the other day on my night off, I admittedly might have bragged about it.
Okay, I lied. I went full out bragging about it.
Still, I got a couple of high fives from a couple of the other guards, so all in all not to bad I suppose.
Speaking of boring assignments, I’m supposedly being assigned to overseeing the new recruits on the twelfth. Apparently, Princess Luna used to have a royal guard of her own which was made up of mostly the night guard, however, when she was banished a thousand years ago the guard was disbanded. Now that she’s back, they only had a few soldiers really willing to join her guard, due to their suspicions still of her being that Nightmare Moon.
Those cowardly fucks, calling themselves guards.
I would have offered in all honesty, but… I doubt Princess Luna would have liked me being around her, given the whole pornography incident. She still hasn’t forgiven me for that…
So yeah, come the twelfth, me and a couple of the others will be essentially babysitting the new cadets and showing them the ropes and yadda, yadda, yadda.
Can’t… wait.
Ah well, gunna be patrolling the lower districts of the city tomorrow with the sergeant. Hopefully that will be somewhat fun.
~Copper.
July 10th, 1 DR
Today was a fucking unbelievably great day.
No, I mean it, today was absolutely fan-fucking-tastic!
So there I was, being assigned on patrol duty with my sergeant, Clover Wing, in the lower districts of Canterlot where the how you say… lower classes dwell, when we somehow managed to get lost. Okay, by that I mean I got myself lost after I was distracted by this woman with a fine looking arse.
I seriously have a problem I think…
So anyway, there I was by myself in the lower districts lost. I took a few deep breaths and kept my cool, just like they taught us in training.
Okay… I lied, I kinda had a small breakdown and curled up in an alley way wanting to be anywhere but there. But that’s where it started to get better for me.
As I lay there in a pathetic, gibbering mess. I overheard someone talking nearby in near hushed whispers. I closed my eyes and focused on the sounds and worked out they were coming from the building I was beside, like in a basement or something.
Naturally, I got curious and crawled my way to a small window that was nearby and peeked inside. It was fairly dark in there but I managed to make out at least three shapes in the darkness.
No doubt some criminal scum that I had to stop right there.
As I watched them, I failed to hear the sounds of something behind me and before I knew it, everything had gone dark. I awoke Celestia knows how many hours later, tied to a chair with my helmet gone and in the room with the four figures.
They had applauded me for finding their little hideout location as well as stumbling upon their great and evil plan. Given I had no idea what plan they were fucking blabbering on about, I somehow managed to trick them into revealing their plan to me.
They showed me several documents containing their plan which was that they were going to kidnap and hold Prince Blueballs for a large ransom, and if the ransom wasn’t paid then they would kill him.
I will admit, for a brief moment I sorta considered letting them get on with the plan.
But, out of the goodness of my heart — that and they were going to kill me for knowing too much — I decided that I must break free and either subdue my captors, or simply break free and run away back to the safe, warm barracks and let the higher ups deal with it.
I went for the latter.
I waited until I was left alone in the room, watching as they went to go and get drunk to celebrate the beginning of their plan in the morning. Not really the smartest bunch of people.
I think I waited for at least an hour until I was certain I was alone before attempting my valiant escape.
After struggling with my bonds for what I assume was at least a couple more hours, I managed to get myself free but not after falling over in the chair and fucking my arm up. I will admit I remained in the ground for a while when I had fallen due to not knowing if the bastards who tied me up in the first place had heard it or not, but thankfully they hadn’t.
I quickly retrieved me helmet which was on a nearby table and found my sword which was also nearby and began to make my way out of the room. I figured that they wouldn’t be awake still, given they did say they were going to get drunk.
Oh boy, was I wrong…
I opened that door to see four drunken would-be royal kidnappers, sitting at a table staring right at me, drunk off their arses and looking completely confused as to why and how I was standing there. The one nearest me then went for me, drawing a sword — albeit sloppily — and swung for me. I managed to back up and sidestep out of the way into the room I was held hostage and the idiot must have caught his foot on something as he stumbled and fell over, smashing into the table that had my helmet on it and knocked himself out cold.
I looked back at the other three who were staring at their fallen comrade, completely shocked before turning their attention to me and charging at me.
For a moment, I thought I was dead for sure.
Luckily… alcohol and swordsmanship don’t go together.
The first guy who went to swing at me, I was able to block it with my own sword and push him back, which caused him to stumble into one of the others. The guy he fell into threw him to one side and caused him to smash into another table that was in the room they were in — at least I think it was a table, I never did check — and lunge for me.
This time I was alert. I raised my sword up to block his attack as he brought it down on me.
But, the sword made a loud ‘thunk’ sound as it embedded itself into the wooden frame of the doorway. He struggled to get it out and was cursing at the thing until he finally got it out.
But he pulled it out too quickly.
He stumbled back and lost his balance and like the other two, he went straight into the table they had been sitting at and that to broke.
Some serious shoddy workmanship…
Anyway, seeing that he was now on his own. The last guy let out a roar of anger and ran at me, ready to thrust his sword into me. I quickly did what any rational, level headed guard would do at that moment in time.
I grabbed the door and slammed it in his face, knocking him out.
Okay, maybe that isn’t what any rational, level headed guard would do but hey, at least it worked.
Then, out of fucking nowhere, I heard the sounds of another door being violently bashed in and heavy, armoured footsteps rush in. I looked up to see several royal guards burst into the room and look at me stunned, staring at the bodies of the kidnappers on the ground. Turns out, they had been planning to raid that building after getting a tip off other day and the captain had selected only what he deemed, ‘the best of the best’ of the royal guards.
Oh and when the captain actually came in after the first lot, the look on his face was just…
Okay, I’m going to give you an image here.
Imagine you’ve gone round your girlfriend's parents house for the weekend, its a saturday night and you're both feeling frisky, but her parents don’t want you sleeping in the same room.
You decide to sneak into her room.
You decide to get naked before entering her room.
You clamber into her bed and cuddle up, showing her your ‘enthusiasm’.
Your face when you’ve cuddled naked against her grandmother and grinded your erection against her.
THAT is the only way I can describe the horrified and shocked face of the captain, when he saw me in that room, with four defeated traitors against the royal family.
So, after taking the credit for finding out about their operation and defeating them (yes of course I lied, why the fuck would I not?) I was debriefed — with no spit this time — and get this.
Tomorrow I’m getting promoted to corporal and a medal award ceremony and a personal thank you from the Princesses AND I found out the captain is retiring tomorrow and lieutenant Shining Armour is replacing him.
You know, life can really fuck you over sometimes. You know?
Don’t get me wrong, some things that happened today were just fucking amazing, but then it kinda just fucked me over.
I guess I’d better explain what I mean.
So, as you know. After my ‘heroic’ actions in foiling the kidnapping of Prince Bluebugger, I was getting a promotion as well as an medal award ceremony couple with a personal thank you from the Princess’ themselves. Now, although I thought at first my parents would be annoyed about having to travel down to Canterlot at such short notice to be at said ceremony.
I was hoping on it annoying them, due to this whole ‘being a guard’ thing is really being mother’s fault, seeing how I didn’t want to be one originally. But anyway, that didn’t work and they weren’t annoyed. They were actually proud if I’m honest, so… I guess that’s cool.
What did make it better, though, they managed to get my brother down to see the ceremony!
Why is that good? I’ll get to that.
So there I am, all smart in my uniform walking up to Princess Celestia herself. Mother sobbing with joy and father smiling with pride, and my brother looking like he couldn’t give a flying toss. I also saw a few of my mates who were able to attend short notice, including Berry Punch and her kid, both looking happy to see me.
Best bit is, my brother saw them and he gave me a dirty look filled with so much maliciousness that it would’ve made a changeling gag.
It was delicious!
Anyway, getting off topic.
There were quite a fair few nobles there as well, all eager to see the new valiant hero. That, or just get a friggin photo op with the local papers.
Gunna go with the latter on that one.
Anyway, I’m given my medal by Celestia who I didn’t hear talking as I was staring at her badonkadonks. I mean, who wouldn’t? Plus, they were literally in my fucking face, could you blame me?!
As I looked over the crowd, I smiled as I literally bathed in the applause, soaking in it like an egotistical little fucker. Not gunna lie, was bloody amazing!
Never felt so good in all my life! Well… save for when I’m smoking… or drinking… or fucking.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the ceremony.
Just as I thought the ceremony was going to end and we’d move onto the food, Princess Celestia announced one of my new duties.
And that, is when all of my happiness was instantly destroyed right in front of me.
As part of my heroic duties, I am now, as insisted by him, the personal guard to Prince Bluebastard.
…
I really fucking hate my life sometimes, you know?
So yeah, after I have given the new cadets basic help around the castle an shit, I will be assigned to Bluebugger as his personal guard for Faust knows how long.
Worst still, after the event I was gunna introduce Berry as my ’squeeze’ to my folks, seeing how I had mentioned her in a letter the other day. It was more or less me wanting my brother to meet her, just so I could rub more shit in his face given he is single at the moment, but she annoyingly and sadly had to leave early. Something about her kid having to go to her father’s house and they needed to catch a train.
So, yeah, shit new duties, and no woman on my arm. One I couldn’t show my folks or brother.
I could tell they didn’t believe me…
My old man sighed softly, my mother tried to give me some sympathy. And my brother?
Well, the fuck do you think?
The fucker was laughing his stupid arse off!
If our mother wasn’t there I would have decked him right there and then.
But then again… it was more the fact I was in a large area filled with nobles… and my superiors… and the press… and the Princess’.
I’ll get my own back at some point, mark my words!
Ah well, despite the shit that has happened, it feels good to have some degree of power over the privates. And still, at least Shining Armor is now the Captain. That guy is real solid.
Apparently rumor has it he’s been banging that Princess Cadance or something.
Lucky wanker…
Anyway, tomorrow marks me babysitting the new cadets coming in to join Princess Luna’s guard.
Gee, can’t wait…
~Copper.
July 12th, 1DR
[First part of the entry is covered in several dozen crossed out words, the words themselves are unreadable due to how much ink is on the page. The second part of the entry has been crudely ripped out, leaving the page virtually ruined. The entry continues on the fourth page after the first one, due to the next three being unusable due to the damage.]
Good, fucking, grief!
I have never, ever, been so livid in all of my Faust-damn life!
I mean, for the love of everything that is fucking holy, what did I fucking do to fucking deserve this fucking punishment the fucking fuck fucker ancestors have given me?!
FUCK!
Sorry, trying to cut down on profanity recently, isn’t really working. Let me tell you why.
As you know, I was tasked with a few others to go and essentially babysit some of the new cadets that were joining Princess Luna’s guard. That shouldn’t have been too bad, right?
And you’d be right, in fact. It seemed pretty damn easy.
We met them at six on the dot in the courtyard, only days after they had completed initial boot camp training and I had to say, they weren’t all that impressive looking. Mostly generic men and women really. Yes, I’m aware I was a baker before this, I’m a Corp now. Sue me
Anyway,as we were inspecting them. Captain Armor stated that we each get two cadets to watch over, however, there was an odd number of them so I was stuck with the one. I was hoping for a woman I could try and ‘impress’ and then maybe later, some sex.
However, just as you’d imagine, I was stuck with a bloke. No biggie really when you think about it, means I could probably make a new friend, right?
Wrong.
The guy in question is one of those odd guys, you know, vampires? Well, they aren’t called that but I can’t really remember their name. Don’t get me wrong, I think they look fucking awesome, and it was pretty cool to discover that there was a different type of human in the world. Long story short, they were supporters of Princess Luna and had fled to the outer parts of the kingdom after her fall, most likely to avoid persecution or something.
But then he spoke.
Dear. Faust.
I’ve heard high pitched guys before, I’ve heard guys on helium. Hell, I’ve even heard a man have his balls kicked with enough force to allow him to sing castrato!
The man’s voice was like nails on a chalkboard but multiplied by about fifty! And don’t get me started on that bloody kee noise he makes. What astounded me was how no-one else seemed to be affected by his ‘voice’. I envy them.
Moving on, so I get talking to him, barely resisting the urge to punch him and learn his name which was Dewdrop.
Don’t ask, I just assume his folks hate him or something.
Anyway, we get talking and at first he seemed pretty alright, despite the voice. Pretty damn keen as well. We spent most of the morning going over basic things but about an hour into it.
Oh… my sweet hot ex’s arse does his voice, personality… everything! About him get on your nerves. I wanted to snap his bloody fangs out and jam them in his eye sockets.
And I thought Prince Bluebitch was bad!
But what really, really made me hate this guy is what he did.
Now, the way some of our duties work is this. The guards who aren’t already assigned to a task, such as guarding the Princess’ or overseeing a public affair, are sat down in a large hall with some of the seniors, usually the Lieutenant. But due to there being no Lieutenant just yet giving the Captain’s own promotion, he was presiding over the situation.
This is where Dewdrops fucked me off.
No, not like that you dirty minded scuzzballs.
The way you are usually and are supposed to be assigned is automatic, the Lt. will auto assign you a random task which you then do. I usually sit at the back and doze off during these parts and get woken up by the Lieutenant and given my assignment so, naturally. I dozed off as per the norm.
I wish I hadn’t.
I woke up with the guys giving me a wicked looking grin as the Captain handed me a clipboard with a long, long list on it. I then realised why they had all been grinning at me.
Dewdrop volunteered us for every. Single. Duty. For today.
And not the good duties, either! Like guarding a noble or some shit, no. He volunteered us for cleaning the barrack latrines, patrolling the dungeons, patrolling the outskirts of the city, guarding the day court and cleaning the armor and weapons.
Everything a guard hates to do… he volunteered us.
He just volunteered right out of the fucking blue! He wanted to, oh how did he put it?
‘Learn more about his new job, even if it meant doing the bog standard duties.’
Go fuck yourself, Dewdrop. You pointy tooth bastard!
Now, I know you’re thinking that it couldn’t have been that bad. But remember, this guy has an annoying voice, an annoying cheerful disposition and is overly keen.
I spent the entire day listening to that bastard’s high as fuck voice and he wouldn’t shut up, even after I ordered him to shut up he would still talk after a few minutes of silence. It’s like having a fucking child with you that just doesn't give a shit! Not only that, he kept making these stupid kee noises every so often and he would sometimes stare at me intently with his stupid, big slit eyes.
Well, I’ll get him back for it. I’ve been thinking of one or two plans to get back at Dewdrop for making this day as shit as it could be, mark my words. First Dewdrop, then my brother!
Hopefully, my time with Dewdrop, which is about a week or so, will prepare me for my time with Bluebastard.
Good god what a fucking irritating week it’s been!
An entire week doing all the damn jobs a guard fucking hates doing isn’t as bad as when you are doing it with the utter most annoying prat of a cadet. Seriously, I want to put my fist so far down his gob I’d be able to rip the label of his underpants.
On second thoughts, that’s a little bit too disgusting. But the point still stands, I want to throttle the little weasel.
You may be thinking, Oh Copper, he’s just trying to be a good cadet and thus turn into a fine guard like yourself.
Yeah , no.
Look, I don’t mind if a guy wants to do some ‘extra credit’ and shit, like do all the crappy tasks and what not, I really don’t. One of the easier ways to go up ranks is to brown nose after all. But what I cannot fucking stand is a goody goody two shoes who damn well rats me out on anything I fucking do!
Even when I’m allowed to!
I like a smoke, most guys and gals do. So what do I do when I get a chance for a breather? I have a smoke and relax.
What I don’t damn well do is stalk someone, follow them to a remote part of the castle, watch them smoke, take a mother fucking photograph of them smoking! And then hand it to the CO.
If it wasn’t obvious, that’s what the little fucking rat did. I was on my damn break!
Well… I sorta was, I might have been on break about ten or so minutes longer than I was meant to, but still!
Luckily, as Shining Armor is the new Captain and we are somewhat good friends. We played Dungeons and Dragons at high school together, don’t judge us. I got let off with a generic warning.
Did I mention I love the fact he’s the new Captain now?
And his girlfriend? Holy. Mother. Fucking. Arse. Biscuits.
Somehow, the lucky bastard landed Princess Cadance as his girlfriend! When the hell did that happen? Was it after I dropped out of high school or is it a perk of being a Captain because if that’s the case then sign me the fuck up for climbing ranks!
I thought Celestia was a doll but damn does Cadance give her a run for her money.
Anyway, with that being said, keeping an eye on the little scrote has been so god damn tiring, it’s literally like looking after a cross between a hyperactive dog and a creepy as fuck child. You know, the ones who stare at you without bloody blinking and just as you’re about to tell them to right the fuck off they say something damn creepy like.
I want to see what your face looks like without skin.
Fun fact, I babysat my little cousin once, found her in her room cutting up her dolls claiming she ‘likes it when the red water comes out’. Creepy little bitch.
Anyway, getting off topic. Aside from ratting me out, the guy is practically fucking everywhere! Literally!
I go to take a smoke break. He’s there.
I go to relieve another guard from his post. He’s there.
I go try and chat up some of the fit nobel women. He’s there.
Hell, I’m certain, fucking certain that he is outside the bog door when I go take a crap. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a fucking thestral, oh yeah I remembered what those vampire buggers like to be referred to and vampire is a big no no. Nearly got socked by one of the other lunar guards when I queried that name. Anyway, I think that his thestral-ness allows him to be sneaky as fuck and it just irritates me. Hell I’m almost certain that—
[The lower half of the page as a few pen marks where it is clear the pen was dragged down and as a result ripped half the page up. The entry continues on the next page]
The cheeky dick waffle was right fucking behind me when I was writing! I only bloody noticed because he fucking inhaled. Celestia be I thought I nearly shat myself, and I’m pretty sure a bloke's voice isn’t meant to scream that loudly, either!
Damn it. I need to make that kid wear a damn bell.
On the somewhat plus side, my work with Prince Blueballs has been delayed. Apparently he wanted yet another vacation and took off yesterday before I got a chance to go with him.
Thank fuck.
So, until he returns, I’m actually being put into the lunar guard for a few days as part of a initiative. Turns out, to try and get everyone back in good terms with thestrals they want to swap some guards from each corp and have them work with the other for a few days or so and I got lucky enough to be chosen to work with the new Captain of the lunar guard. Captain Moon Dancer.
I say lucky because for two reasons. The first is simply, at my rank, I wasn’t expecting to be chosen. From what I gathered it was primarily going to be anyone from Sergeant and up that were going to be chosen first then us lowly Privates and Corps.
The second and by far the better reason for it being lucky is because whilst I’m in the lunar guard I get to be away from that creep, Dewdrop! Some poor other solar bastard will be looking after him!
So colour me fucking psyched!
~Copper
July 21st, 1DR
Why didn’t I join the lunar guard? Why in the name of Celestia didn’t I join the lunar guard?!
Yeah I know I couldn't of really because there technically was no lunar guard until Princess Luna showed back up on the scene. But still. Why didn’t I join the lunar guard?!
Perhaps I should explain.
Aside from the fact I look damn fine in the armor, I mean, dayum! The thestral guys are actually fucking awesome guys!
The day was spent mostly just getting to know one another on the expense of the two Princess’. We spent the day doing some sword combat training, orientation, a brief history of the thestrals. Which, by the way, is absolutely bloody interesting, I plan to go to the library on my next night off and getting some more books about these guys and their history and coming from me, that should tell you why people need to do it for themselves.
We also got to meet Captain Moon Dancer.
Fuck. Me.
I know I am a little bit of a womanizer but holy arse balls Moon Dancer is fucking fit. When she came in to address us in orientation I literally, literally could feel my damn pants tighten and my eyeballs threaten to pop out. She had a beautiful head of purple hair that, in a really cute way, covered her right eye, leaving her one ice blue eye viewable. Like all thestrals I’ve seen, she had a cat like slit for a purple which, I wanna add again, makes them look so fucking cool.
But her armour? Damn, woman must of have gotten her armour custom made because holy shit.
Okay. For women in the guard, they don’t wear armored platelegs like the men do, they wear a plate skirt that comes to just about the top of their knees, a small gap, then knee high plate boots. But damn does the Captain wear hers nicely!
I’ve mentioned my love for butts before, right? Somehow, this thestral has an arse bigger and plumper than any other women I’ve know, including Fluttershy’s with a pair of awesome tits to match, again, better than any other women. Yet, they fitted so perfectly in her armor it was ridiculous. Her plateskirt also seemed to be shorter than other female guards, hugging her ear tightly and perfect, or that might have been just my perverted imagination on that one.
I had to put a lot of damn care not to stare and oggle her body because aside from the fact she was sexy as fuck. She was also scary as fuck.
She took no shit, and this poor bastard Sergeant that came with me found that out the hard way after she caught him staring at her arse. He was out for four hours doing laps around the training ground, made even harder by the fact he had to do it whilst standing on his hands. If he fucked up, he had to start from the beginning.
Mind you, it wasn’t all that bad.
Like I said, we went out on the town on the Princess’ expense to a local pub and it’s like Captain Moon Dancer has a split personality or something. Once she had sunk a few, and boy that woman nearly puts Berry to shame with her love of cider, she was cheery, grinning like mad and just damn friendly. I even had a couple of games of pool with her, which I lost both times.
You try keeping your cool when you're drunk and a fine arsed woman is bent over a pool table. Faust damn it.
But during the night, we got chatting and she’s actually pretty damn chill. We like the same kinda films, games and books. Not to mention she also despised my old Captain as well. And by Faust did she have some good dirt on him. I will never, never look at the Captain the same way again once I learned he was and still is a massive ballet fan. Now, that’s not a bad thing, each to their own. But the guy wore a proper pink tutu and everything. I can’t get that image out of my head and I just fall over laughing when i think of it. That, and I feel nauseous.
Which leads me to my earlier point. Why didn’t I join the lunar guard? Moon Dancer is like my old Captain but so much better. I can tell she will come down hard on your arse if you fuck up, which is fine I get that. But I’ve seen she does have a calmer and more friendlier side. Sure this may be just cos she was a little drunk or we were out of work hours but who cares. She’s scary sexy hot!
And I get to be her partner tomorrow. I’m just praying I don’t fuck up on it. Or that little shit, Dewdrop doesn't turn up anywhere, havn’t seen him today thank fuck.
So, I’ve been apart of the better relations initiative now since the twentieth and in all honesty, and this is genuine honesty. I feel as if for the first time since joining the Guard I actually enjoy my job, enjoy protecting the people. I don’t know what’s come over me.
Is it the sexy as fuck dark blue and purple armor? Maybe… maybe.
Is it the fact Captain Moon Dancer is, excluding the Princess’, a bad ass bitch and hot as fuck? Very much so.
Is it the fact I’ve spent the past three days with no annoying fuckwit cadets and arsemunching old decrepid ex-Captains?
Pretty much.
But yeah, I really am enjoying my time in the Lunar guard. And people have noticed a sudden change in my attitude. For example, I had a surprise visit by my mother yesterday evening to tell me that my brother had been promoted, again.
And I only got angry internally for a few minutes. Which is good considering the last time she told me he had been promoted before I joined the Guard I don’t really recall what happened. All I can remember is I went out to get wankered at the local pub and somehow wound up in Stalliongrad with no shoes, four empty bottles of hard cider, a briefcase filled with nothing but shredded newspaper and for some reason a woolly hat that was designed to look like a cat curled up on your head.
Yeah, I hate my arrogant twat of a brother, especially when things go good for him.
But this time? I only got a little miffed. Sure, at first I wanted to punch something or go out and get drunk. But I didn’t.
This was noticed by my mother who said I had a new glint in my eyes, like I had finally found my niche. She also complimented the armor as well, which was nice.
And speaking of my brother, I met up with Captain Moon Dancer for a patrol this morning that we were assigned to and she noticed I had a slight look of irritation. For some reason, I felt I could tell her what my problem was.
I awoke a few minutes later on the ground, having been knocked out by Moon for being a, and I quote, ‘whiny man child’.
She then proceeded to tell me that the only reason why I was angered and irritated by my brother’s success was because I had no drive in my life. And, you know what, she was right. I know that people have been saying it to me my whole life, friends and family alike. But… I don’t know, something about Moon Dancer made me actually think about it.
Oh fuck me, do I like like her?
Shit.
That’s not going to be a good ending, is it?
Preeeetty certain she ain’t the lovesy feelsy kinda gal.
Anyway, getting off topic. So after she beat the crap out of me and berated me before giving me some words of encouragement albeit in a bit of a harsh way. She shouted at me to get my act together and stop being, as quoted earlier, a whiny man child, before telling me I had potential. Something about a gut feeling I dunno. Thestrals be crazy.
Anywho, on our patrol we heard someone scream and came four muggers robbing a poor old dear. Unlike last time before I got promoted I actually felt a rush of adrenaline and without realizing it I was in pursuit of the muggers. Two were being chased by Moon and the others by myself.
I chased them into a dead end alley and I thought that it would be the end of it. No way out, easy arrest, Bob’s your uncle. Right?
Wrong.
Fucking. Wrong.
Turns out, muggins here fell right into a trap. The fellows I got arrested the other day? These were their mates. The old dear who was being ‘mugged’?
Their. Fucking. Mother.
Yeah, turns out the guys I got arrested were brothers. Small world.
Anyway, as I cornered them I saw the two smirk and turned around to see the old hag and about six other other guys blocking the exit.
Big momma, as for whatever fucking reason that was what they called the witch, was pissed off that her sons were in prison, understandable, and she held me accountable, despite the fact I fucking stumbled upon them by accident and they would have been arrested anyway.
I’ll save the rant and speech she gave and sum it up by saying she wanted revenge. And that was for me to basically get the living shit kicked out of me and if I happened to die in the process then she said that would be a bonus. Lovely lady.
But, even when the guys were ordered on me, I didn't feel fear.
Okay, I was touching cloth a little, but I still had that feeling of adrenaline rushing through me.
So, as they took out their hidden swords, I went for mine. I was filled with determination as I readied for my epic showdown with those no good dirt bags.
From what I can recall of the battle, in and out of blacking out, I actually managed to take down two of the assailants with a lucky whack to the head with my shield and I nicked one in the side. However, sod’s law being sod’s law I got my arse kicked. Badly.
Hey, was outnumbered eight to one. Nine if you count the bitch.
But, what I do remember is seeing Moon Dancer in action and Faust wept. She is a fucking tank. The two she had been chasing thought they had lost her and joined in on big Momma’s attack on me, but she had followed them and had arrived literally just in the nick of time.
I don’t usually get all, what’s the phrase, poetic or whatever when describing shit. But it was like watching someone perform ballet. A blood, angry and violent ballet with lots of swearing and cries of agony. She just fucking wrecked the wankers in what seemed like, five-ten seconds? I don't’ know, I can’t really remember.
I woke up in the hospital about an hour or so later and found out that one of the assailants poisoned me with one of their blades. A lucky hit under my arm just where my torso connects where there is no armor. So that made me feel a little bit better about my arse kicking.
Plus, I got some nice scars, one just under my eye which is neat. Bitches love scars.
I got a few visitors over the rest of the day. Captain Shining Armor and Princess Cadance actually visited which was pretty awesome of them. We chatted for a bit, he showed me a few cars he had gotten when he was a Corporal and what not. Later on my mother came in and Faust she acted as if I was nearly killed or some shit.
Well, actually, I nearly was. So fair enough.
After being told how proud she was of me, she told me that my father and brother, who was taking some time off to be with his new woman, were gunna come to Canterlot in order to see me. I was going to say I might not be able to do it due to work, but Shining Armor overheard and said I could have some leave when they come down due to the fact my injuries from the poison blade would linger for a little while.
Great.
I suspected Dewfuckingdrop to turn up but a couple of hours after my mother, Shining Armor and Princess Cadance left, but no one did and it was blissful.
Till I heard that sneaky Faust damned, mother fucking, cunt sucking, fudge packing, wank stain, fuck muffin breathing right by my fucking bed!
I do not know how the fuck he managed to get into the fucking room without me so much as fucking noticing but fuck me did I scream. I mean, I fucking screamed as if death himself had shoved his bony arm right up my back door and was playing with me like I was a fucking shit puppet.
He bolted, Faust bles the little devil. But it did attract the attention of the nursing staff.
Thankfully, they agreed I had some kind of hallucinogenic dream like nightmare thing brought on by the effects of the poison.
I decided for the best and for my pride, that that was indeed what had happened.
Though, fair play to Dewdrop. After the nurses had left, I did find a small present on the bedside table which contained an apple, a couple of superhero comics and a card with a picture, albeit badly drawn like a kid had done it, of me and him smiling holding hands yadda yadda with the words ‘get well soon’ written on it.
I felt a little conflicted about him after that. Fucking prick.
When it came to the evening, I was actually surprised that Moon Dancer came to visit me in her civvies. The first thing she did was punch me square in the face and started to berate me for being a moron for falling for such an easy trap and for being taken down so quickly.
Kinda had that coming.
However, she suddenly stopped and pulled me into a gently hug and whispered into my ear that she was glad I was alright. I later found out she carried me all the way to the hospital after some reinforcements came by and it was thanks to her that I was alive.
Now, I know when I need to be a man and I did thank her genuinely from my heart to which she said that it was what mates did for each other.
Mates.
You heard it. I’m officially buds with the kick arse Lunar Captain. And it could easily go further if you get my drift and—oh my Faust.
I’m in fucking love aren’t I?
Shit.
Oh, and she then told me, no, threatened me that if I ever spoke about her showing me some concern. She would finish the job the poison started. This woman...
And that isn’t the worst bit.
Apparently, because of me being wounded, Big Momma got away and swore she would put a bounty on my head so that I would never rest easy again till I was dead.I thought it was just Moon making a joke
I laughed.
She laughed.
We laughed.
And then she told me she wasn’t lying. I now have a bounty on my head.
I know that they help people and yadda yadda yadda but fuck me is it boring as hell being a patient. I spent seven days in there doing bugger all.
No women to smooze, no booze to drink and no smokes!
It was horrific.
And screw these damn nicotine patches the doctors gave me, they suck compared to the real thing. At least I think so anyway.
But yeah, hospitals suck, not drinking sucks you get the jist.
Anyway, I got out of hospital on the thirtieth and you may be wondering where the entry for that day or the week in hospital are. Well, as I already explained, there was nothing to do in hospital so I didn’t bother writing a journal entry because it would have literally been me saying.
Got up, ate food, thought about slapping a nurses’ arse, went to bed.
Exciting shit, right?
So yeah, that was basically it for a week. I did get the odd visit from my parents and even my brother. For about half an hour. The wanker was bragging about taking this chick out for the night on the town. He enjoyed rubbing it in my face very much.
Faust I hate him.
One thing that did sadden me a little was Captain Moon Dancer wasn’t able to come visit again, duties and all that. But then again, this was countered by the fact Dewdrop didn’t come by again.
Though, knowing that little demon. He probably came around when I was asleep or something.
Anyway, I got discharged today and told to report to my local doctor if any signs of the poison persistence. I had to go and meet up with both Captain Moon Dancer and Captain Shining Armor to let them know I was back up and running. Then Captain Shining Armor irritatingly reminded me that I am off for a bit to spend time with my family as they are here for the week.
Bollocks.
Still, there was an upside. A major one.
I’m getting transferred to the Lunar corp!
Well… temporarily anyway.
Ever since that bounty business, Captain Moon Dancer pulled some strings and got me transferred so she can keep an eye on me as well as train me in a more advanced form of hand to hand combat as well as some things she’s learned over several years.
Can I get a hell yeah?
But truthfully, I’m a little scared. I met up with some of the lads from my old Solar Corp before I came home to let them know I was okay and we laughed and joked about the price on my head, given I wasn’t the greatest guard when I signed on. We had good laughs about it but all the time we were laughing I…
I felt a little scared.
I mean, when you look at it, a bounty on your head, and at this price, isn’t really a laughing matter, is it?
I don’t know how to really feel about this. I’m going to try and not think about it too much. Don’t want to be one of them paranoid old bastards who looks over their shoulder every single minute, do I? It doesn’t help me that for a while I’m going to be shadowed by an agent of the Royal Security Bureau. Just as a precaution.
Tomorrow I’m going out to eat food with my parents and my brother at a restaurant, and I get the this going to go horrible.
~Copper
August 1st 1DR
It’s official, I’ve fallen for her. I’m in utter love.
Let me explain.
As I wrote in my last entry, I had the… delight of enjoying a evening meal with my family to look forward to as I was discharged yesterday. As I had time to kill, and I didn’t really want to be sat around all day waiting to go out I decided to go and visit the town.
It was, for the most part, fairly uneventful. I did get recognized by a few people from my ceremony who I chatted with for a bit. Was rather boring, to be honest, couldn’t give much of a shit about their lives at that point.
But fuck me, did it feel so good to be seen as a hero. I don’t care, I’ll admit it, my ego was getting jerked off majorly, spraying my amazing essence all over the people. And I loved it.
But, as luck would have it. That Was short lived.
He found me. Dewdrop.
Admittedly, it wasn’t too bad, he kept his talking to a minimum and he was on duty at the time so he couldn’t stay for long. But it was still irritating, especially how for whatever fucking reason, people thought he was my kid brother.
I tried to explain he was the spawn of a succubus’ wench, but they just laughed it off as sibling banter.
Pricks.
Anyway, I was aware after sometime I was being followed. Thankfully, not by one of the many thugs in this town, but by an agent of the Royal Security Bureau. No doubt the agent I was forewarned would be keeping an eye on me. From what I was told, I was not to engage with them, make eye contact with them or just not acknowledge them in general. Which was difficult because this Agent was a woman.
And by woman, I mean fit woman.
Fit meaning, a fucking nice rack and rear.
I feel as if I noticed this particular frame on women more than others. Sue me, I’m perverted.
Anywho, I decided I wanted to go and see Captain Moon Dancer. See if she wanted to do anything if she was free.
Again, just me luck, she wasn’t.
I bumped into her as she was patrolling the market district with a couple of other guards. She greeted me with a friendly hello and told the other two to go on ahead and she’d catch up. We exchanged pleasantries and I stupidly slipped out an invitation to join me for dinner with my family.
There was a moment of silence which soon became a little awkward before she made an excuse as to why she couldn’t and abruptly left.
Bugger me, right?
A little dejected, I did admit that going to a bar to get drunk seemed to be a good plan to do, even if it was the middle of the afternoon. I Decided against it, reluctantly, and debated ringing up Berry Punch to see if she could do it. But, again, I decided against it because I honestly had no idea how that conversation would have ended, and I eventually decided to just go home and wait.
So that’s what I did, I spent the next few hours drinking some coke, playing a few video games and… other things.
Hey, I’m a single batchelor. Man’s gotta do what a man's gotta do, am I right?
So, after a boring afternoon, I get myself all nice and fancied up.
The restaurant is high class after all, and I look damn fine in a tux if I do say so myself.
Seriously, I could sometimes marry and fuck myself.
Getting back on track, I arrived at the restaurant after being picked up by an escort comprising of the Agent, now dressed as a chauffeur and driving the car. Upon arriving, it looked as if I was early so I decided to go and wait at the table.
Alas, my timing was off, and my family were already there. My brother with a shit eating grin, as his girl he had been going on about was also there. Only reason I got annoyed by that was my mother’s continual going on about how I need to find a good woman, how I should think about settling down ecetera ecetera.
Faust could have killed me there and then and I would have been delighted.
However, sometimes it’s just one of those days where Lady luck, that sexy bitch, smiles down upon you.
As mother was talking, I noticed my father’s and brother’s eyes widen as they spotted something behind me. I turned to see what had caught their eye when my mouth involuntarily dropped and my eyes felt like they had bulged out.
Standing behind me, a foot or two away, was Captain Moon Dancer.
Holy. Fuck.
I could have nutted right there and then I was so taken aback by her appearance.
Remember how I said she was fit as fuck in her armor, not to mention her civvies?
Well, she was wearing a proper tight fitting, ankle length midnight blue dress that hugged her body so well, it one hundred percent made her large arse and huge rack sick out so much that you could mistake her for someone who wasn’t in the guard. A matching bag was dangling on her right arm as well as some exquisite looking high heel shoes and she had a delightful shade of purple lipstick on. All eyes were pretty much on her as I shamelessly soaked in all of her curves and details. Then she said something, which my God, made me so fucking happy.
“I’m sorry, I’m late. Copper, I didn’t keep you waiting too long, did I?”
Those were her exact words as she sat down beside me. I knew I was grinning like a shit lord, and I didn’t care. Primarily because of how Moon looked, the fact she had turned up at all.
Oh, and the death glare my brother’s date gave him as he stared at my date's tits.
Though, that’s in contest with the fact I could tell by the vibe I got from Moon Dancer that she indeed knew he was staring and would do something about it later.
Anyway, the meal went so well I thought I had died or something. The Captain could easily be an actress as she answered all my mother’s questions, well, more like my mother interrogated her, but still. It was kinda funny to see father speechless for once, not to mention my brother.
Not a lot happened, really, except the food was good, the company was brilliant and all in all it was a good meal.
Oh, and the Agent was our waiter. Those fucks at the Royal Security Bureau are dedicated I’ll say that much.
When we had finished, I bid my folks farewell, and couldn’t help fucking laugh quietly to myself as my brother’s date slapped him across the face and stormed off with him running after her apologising.
The Captain walked me home, with the Agent still tailing us, now back in civvies, till we got to my house.
Then it got weird.
Sort of.
At my door, I offered her a cup of coffee, which was me fishing for some form of chance I guess. But rather than decline, she suddenly grabbed me by the scruff of my collar and slammed me into my front door and locked her lips to mine.
I was pretty taken aback, I must say.
Still, I went along with it and wrapped my arms around her waist as we made out. Must have seemed like hours before we stopped to catch our breath before resuming.
And this is where I am particularly proud of myself.
I decided to not give a fuck and throw caution to the wind, and slid my hands down her waist and firmly squeezed her arse.
Like fucking gripping firm but plump pillows.
I expected a knockout punch in response, however, she made a soft moan into my mouth and actually arched her arse out a bit. So, taking the hint, I fondled that fluffy plump butt for all it was worth, not caring I was pretty aroused and it showed.
Suddenly, however, she pushed off me and slapped me across the face. Granted it wasn’t hard, more playful than anything, but it still hurt a little and took me by surprise.
Part of me thinks she’s a little crazy and possibly has two or three different personalities.
She growled and grabbed me by my tied and pulled her nose to nose, telling me that she liked me.
A lot.
And it bothered her greatly because she had no fucking clue why. I mean, I understand why, I’m just a sleaze ball really and a lowly Corp. I decided, though, it was wise to not offer a suggestion.
She kissed me again before pushing me off her and switched from a snarling glare to a sweet smile, telling me she had a great time and was looking forward to the next. She backed up a little, giving me a playful wink as she turned and walked off down the path.
I fucking swear she shook her hips provocatively on purpose, as she looked back at one point and caught me staring at her arse.
It’s a nice butt.
I watched her leave before seeing the Agent across the street leaning on a lamppost and I swear she gave me a thumbs up. I might have imagined that.
I stumbled into my home, rubbing my cheek and noting I was still hard and decided to… take care of that as soon as possible.
Been a couple days since I made an entry, nothing really happened and I didn’t feel like making any. But damn that Captain, making today like this.
Oh, it’s not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. It’s just since that night all I could think about was the evening running up to when she kissed me. Which meant, I wasn’t one hundred percent focused on my duties.
So, yeah. Some shit happened.
Well, to start off with. I slept through my alarm due to a rather… racy dream I was having about Moon Dancer.
Can you really blame me, though?
So after that, I rushed getting all of my gear and what not on and in the process I missed, somehow, my gauntlets and my boots as well as my helmet. Which instead of, I was wearing a toy helmet.
Not one hundred percent why I have it, or where the hell I even got it from. But that’s besides the point. The point is I turned up to inspection in me bloody socks and with a toy helmet on.
Thankfully, or should I say, mercifully, I was so late that it was only me and Captain Moon Dancer.
So I only got a punch to the gut that winded me for a few minutes, nothing to majorly.
She thought it was somewhat amusing and decided to ease of me a little and allowed me to quickly go back to the changing rooms and swap out the toy helmet as well as grabbing my boots before giving me my duties.
Well, I say ease off. She did the exact opposite.
Blueball guarding again tomorrow. Whoopee.
Though, frankly, that woman could spank me over her lap as punishment for all I bloody care. Rather have that then guarding the prick of all pricks, but can’t have it all.
And to be fair, I kinda had it coming. Someone of my rank does need to step up and show some kind of leadership responsibility… thingy.
The day itself wasn’t too bad, I guess. I don't’ actually really remember much about it to be quite honest due to the fact I was… distracted, and kept drifting off to my happy place. Which is my local boozer with a certain sultry Captain bar wench serving me lots of sweet cider.
Damn it I can’t stop thinking about her, fuck her and her sexyness.
Which leads me to the next part of my day.
It’s soon going to be the Grand Galloping Gala. Still not sure why it’s called that, we’re not horses so why is it called ‘Galloping’?
Anyway, I decided that I was going to do something I haven't done since high school with a girl I was crushing on hard.
Ask Moon Dancer out.
I’m serious, I am going to do it. I checked it with Shining Armor, seeing as he’s a mate and hooked me up with it.
Oh yeah, I should really mention that.
Since spending time with Captain Moon dancer, I’ve been meeting up more with Shining Armor and we’ve been reminiscing and fixing our friendship.
Long story short, as I briefly mentioned in an earlier entry. I dropped out of high school as my family moved away and we just drifted apart, was mainly my fault but these things happen.
Now, as I already mentioned, we were mates in high school and used to play Dungeons and Dragons, so I already know he’s solid. That, and that he’s an awesome Captain. But it turns out he’s still a fucking awesome guy in that sense because he’s still into comics, video games, dungeons and dragons the works.
Hell, we even came up with plans to get the old game going again which I cannot fucking wait for. It’s just going to be us two at first, just to ease back into it and then we’re going to go from there. Plus, during the catch up I got to know more about how he and Cadance hooked up and it was rather cute, proper little love story.
Though, I really should tell Shining that showing your mate’s a topless photo your girlfriend sent you on your phone, especially when she is a Princess is probably not a good idea in the long run. And I should probably never tell Moon Dancer that, less I get a beating.
Still, I’ve seen the tits of the Princess of Love. And fucking hell are they sweet.
Can my brother say that? No.
And neither will I, I will take that mental image to my grave.
I’m getting off topic.
Anyway, as I was saying, last night I met up with him and I might have drunkenly blurted out to him about my crush on her, and wanting to ask her out to somewhere special to make it official. And he said he could arrange it so that Moon Dancer and I would have the night the Gala is on, off, so I can give it a shot. Dude is seriously awesome.
Though, today I’m not so confident thanks to the lack of booze.
But I’m going to go for it. I’m going to ask her tomorrow, seeing as we’re meeting up for a drink after our shifts.
Just hope it goes according to plan…
~Copper
August 4th 1DR
[The beginning of the entry has several sentences that are half finished and with scribbles through them as if there was a problem starting them].
Trying to write this entry… is hard.
Which is weird, because the day ended on one of the best things possible.
But, the first part of the day was just...
Was… just something else. Believe me.
Let me explain how I nearly got fired, got creeped out and quite possibly had the best thing ever happen to me, ever.
As I already mentioned, today I spent my time in the glorious company of everyone’s suck up Prince of pricks, Blueballs. And yes, you are correct in assuming that he was up to his usual bullshit antics.
A dick to the servants and guards, a fucking Godsend to the people.
I seriously cannot understand how he gets away with it, it’s actually a bit respectable.
I said a bit.
Anyway, he tells me that he is opening a new children’s park in the downtown part of Canterlot which he himself invested a lot of bits into. Probably for the attention, he mentioned some other stuff as well, but I wasn’t really paying it much attention.
And, like I said. He was all for the people as we got there. Smiling, laughing, getting my name correct and looking like the oh so perfect ‘Prince of the People’.
Give me a fucking break.
He even said that he is proud about how Equestria’s play parks are one of the things that children need to help them grow and blah blah blah.
Fuck me he must want to fuck his voice.
And what’s more damn irritating is I know for a Faust damn fact he hates children. Loathes them, in fact. His ideal place for them would be a boarding school in the middle of an island surrounded by man eating shark-o-diles. Don’t ask, he just made it up.
So, as a guy who likes kids because they are funny as fuck when they get hurt, and hey they have their adorable moments, it really pisses me off to see him so two faced about the whole thing. And judging by the agent's reactions, she seems to know about his hatred to.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the agent is still following me about. This time she was dressed in a black suit with sunglasses to match.
Subtle.
Anyway, after the little ceremony was completed, he happily stood for pictures and all that bullshit attention gaining stuff when a little kid, no older than eight I’d say runs up to him with a bit of paper. She had the biggest smile on her face and handed Blueblood the paper. She even squealed in happiness as he looked over it.
I peeked over his shoulder and felt my heart melt a little.
She’d gone and drawn a picture of the bastard and her holding hands at a tea party or something, both with crowns on smiling away. Least I think that’s what it was, sometimes it can be a little hard to understand what a kids’ drawn, you know? Either way, it was adorable and she was adorable for being so happy that he took it and thanked her for it.
Now, for a brief, brief moment I thought that he was going to be a nice guy about it.
But hey, a leopard never changes its spots and all.
After he had grown tired of the little post-ceremony he ordered me to accompany him back to the castle in order to have lunch.
No sooner were we out of sight, the fucking cunt took the picture, sneered at it scrunched it up before tossing it onto the ground.
I actually went numb inside.
‘Can you believe it? What an utterly terrible picture.’
His. Exact. Fucking. Words.
I just stared at him as he dusted his hands as I felt my anger start to rapidly rise and then, I just saw red.
And I lost it.
I… think I hit him, hard.
Like, pow!
Right in the kisser.
One minute, he was standing there, the next, he was on his arse holding his face and yowling.
I vaguely remember what I said to him after that, something along the lines of me being sick and tired of his two faced cuntish behaviour and that he was a complete arse fucker for doing that to someone who actually liked him.
I think I then chewed him out on his behaviour in general to everyone he looks down at, calling him so many names under the damn sun.
When I finally calmed down, I began to shit bricks, thinking that it was the end of my career and I had, excuse the pun, royally fucked up. I was thinking how much sucking up I was gunna have to do to Blueballs in order to keep him shushed up.
But then the weirdest thing happened.
I mean like… fucking spooky weird shit.
He was just staring at me with… starry eyes and was, like, full on blushing.
Like… what the arse?
I sorta just stared at him as he stared at me with his eyes full of wonder. That or something malicious, I dunno.
I coughed to break the awkward silence and offered him my hand up as well as making several apologies. He simply… giggled.
He took my hand and pulled himself up, and on purpose, fell onto me so I had to catch him which sent a weird shudder down my back as he clung to me.
He… ‘thanked’ me for opening his eyes and promised he would be…
Sorry, I still shudder thinking about it.
A ‘good little boy’, before walking on ahead humming and having a bounce to his step.
What. The. Ass?
I don’t think I’ve ever been more fucking confused and terrified and creeped out in my entire life! Like, what the hell got into him? Maybe he’s just a secret masochist?
I mean, the hell do I know anymore!? For all I know I gave the guy a concussion and he’s in major need of medical attention because his personality changed or something. Damnit, Faust, I’m a guard not a doctor! Seriously, the hell do I know anymore!?
It’s just fucking creepy.
And he kept calling me ‘Coppy’ all the way back to the castle, which is not going to get annoying, and kept trying to get as close to me as he could. And please Faust, don’t fucking let Dewdrop hear him call me that, lil fucker will probably copy him.
Oh well… at least I didn’t get fired, for now. So there’s that, I guess.
Anyway, creepy shit aside. The day carried on as it normally did. We got back to the castle and he giggled at me again before he waved me farewell as he went off to have lunch and I was re-assigned to patrol duties with one of the newer Solar guards.
Solar Flare, I think. Original name, I know.
Guy kept bugging me about why Blueblood was acting like he was and wouldn’t accept that I had no idea. Little prick thinks there’s a deeper meaning behind it all. I told him to mind his own damn business and to leave it as we continued our patrol.
Though… the smirk he gave me was unsettling.
Something bads going to happen. Isn’t it?
The remainder of the day was boring as fuck and nothing happened so I’m not gunna go on about it. Just the beginning bit had any real substance before the best part of the day.
So, as you know, I was planning to ask Moon dancer to the Gala and was shitting bricks about it. Well, after my shift was over and done and I ignored all the the snickering and odd looks the other guards were giving me. I went off to the local bar where I had arranged to meet up with the Captain to wind down and shit.
I get there, and she’s already waiting and grins seeing me and calls me over. I try to act all cool like, pretending I’m not excited.
Which I failed miserably because my fucking mouth don't know when it should or shouldn't smile like a fucking dumbass. But I digress. Anyway, we start shooting the breeze, I’m trying to act all calm and cool and shit when she starts talking about the Gala.
I’m like, being cool and stuff so I pretend not to show much interest, seeing if somehow she might ask me over asking her. That would have been bitching. But she doesn't, instead she says that she’s thinking of asking the Solar Guard Lieutenant, Iron Clad, if he fancied going to the Gala. She spent a good five minutes going on about how handsome he was and how strong he was and how every woman would love to be with him at the Gala.
And… I felt my heart shatter nearly, and because I’m a complete moron. I suddenly blurted out if she wanted to go with me or not.
The silence that followed was unbearable. Maybe because I… kinda shouted it at her, which caused everyone to look at me.
Maybe.
Anyway, I sorta got flustered and apologized, before making a quick exit and leaving the bar. I remember that I started to bang my head against the wall and berating myself for being a complete tool when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I turn around and it’s Moon Dancer, who is struggling not to laugh. I ask her what’s funny and she cracks up, giving me a more than hard smack on the back before pulling me into her with one arm around my neck and giving me a noogie to the head.
Apparently, Shining decided to tell her my plans because he cannot keep a damn secret to save his life, so she thought she’d mess with me a little and pretend to consider going with someone else.
Real fucking funny.
But honestly, I don’t care because you know what?
She said yes.
YES.
I’m going to the greatest fucking party Equestria throws. With my fit as fuck Captain as my date.
And the best fucking part? Although she wants to go slow with it, she wants us to be official. I don’t mind that, not one bit.
We still have to be professional whilst on duty and during so she is still my superior, though she is that in all damn aspects, which is fine and just boss. For once in my life things are truly going my way! I still can’t get my head round it!
...
Something is going to go terribly wrong, isn’t it?
