Journal of a Royal Guard

by Mr101

Entries 13-14

July 19th, 1DR

Good god what a fucking irritating week it’s been!

An entire week doing all the damn jobs a guard fucking hates doing isn’t as bad as when you are doing it with the utter most annoying prat of a cadet. Seriously, I want to put my fist so far down his gob I’d be able to rip the label of his underpants.

On second thoughts, that’s a little bit too disgusting. But the point still stands, I want to throttle the little weasel.

You may be thinking, Oh Copper, he’s just trying to be a good cadet and thus turn into a fine guard like yourself.

Yeah , no.

Look, I don’t mind if a guy wants to do some ‘extra credit’ and shit, like do all the crappy tasks and what not, I really don’t. One of the easier ways to go up ranks is to brown nose after all. But what I cannot fucking stand is a goody goody two shoes who damn well rats me out on anything I fucking do!

Even when I’m allowed to!

I like a smoke, most guys and gals do. So what do I do when I get a chance for a breather? I have a smoke and relax.

What I don’t damn well do is stalk someone, follow them to a remote part of the castle, watch them smoke, take a mother fucking photograph of them smoking! And then hand it to the CO.

If it wasn’t obvious, that’s what the little fucking rat did. I was on my damn break!

Well… I sorta was, I might have been on break about ten or so minutes longer than I was meant to, but still!

Luckily, as Shining Armor is the new Captain and we are somewhat good friends. We played Dungeons and Dragons at high school together, don’t judge us. I got let off with a generic warning.

Did I mention I love the fact he’s the new Captain now?

And his girlfriend? Holy. Mother. Fucking. Arse. Biscuits.

Somehow, the lucky bastard landed Princess Cadance as his girlfriend! When the hell did that happen? Was it after I dropped out of high school or is it a perk of being a Captain because if that’s the case then sign me the fuck up for climbing ranks!

I thought Celestia was a doll but damn does Cadance give her a run for her money.

Anyway, with that being said, keeping an eye on the little scrote has been so god damn tiring, it’s literally like looking after a cross between a hyperactive dog and a creepy as fuck child. You know, the ones who stare at you without bloody blinking and just as you’re about to tell them to right the fuck off they say something damn creepy like.

I want to see what your face looks like without skin.

Fun fact, I babysat my little cousin once, found her in her room cutting up her dolls claiming she ‘likes it when the red water comes out’. Creepy little bitch.

Anyway, getting off topic. Aside from ratting me out, the guy is practically fucking everywhere! Literally!

I go to take a smoke break. He’s there.

I go to relieve another guard from his post. He’s there.

I go try and chat up some of the fit nobel women. He’s there.

Hell, I’m certain, fucking certain that he is outside the bog door when I go take a crap. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a fucking thestral, oh yeah I remembered what those vampire buggers like to be referred to and vampire is a big no no. Nearly got socked by one of the other lunar guards when I queried that name. Anyway, I think that his thestral-ness allows him to be sneaky as fuck and it just irritates me. Hell I’m almost certain that—

[The lower half of the page as a few pen marks where it is clear the pen was dragged down and as a result ripped half the page up. The entry continues on the next page]

The cheeky dick waffle was right fucking behind me when I was writing! I only bloody noticed because he fucking inhaled. Celestia be I thought I nearly shat myself, and I’m pretty sure a bloke's voice isn’t meant to scream that loudly, either!

Damn it. I need to make that kid wear a damn bell.

On the somewhat plus side, my work with Prince Blueballs has been delayed. Apparently he wanted yet another vacation and took off yesterday before I got a chance to go with him.

Thank fuck.

So, until he returns, I’m actually being put into the lunar guard for a few days as part of a initiative. Turns out, to try and get everyone back in good terms with thestrals they want to swap some guards from each corp and have them work with the other for a few days or so and I got lucky enough to be chosen to work with the new Captain of the lunar guard. Captain Moon Dancer.

I say lucky because for two reasons. The first is simply, at my rank, I wasn’t expecting to be chosen. From what I gathered it was primarily going to be anyone from Sergeant and up that were going to be chosen first then us lowly Privates and Corps.

The second and by far the better reason for it being lucky is because whilst I’m in the lunar guard I get to be away from that creep, Dewdrop! Some poor other solar bastard will be looking after him!

So colour me fucking psyched!

~Copper

---

July 21st, 1DR

Why didn’t I join the lunar guard? Why in the name of Celestia didn’t I join the lunar guard?!

Yeah I know I couldn't of really because there technically was no lunar guard until Princess Luna showed back up on the scene. But still. Why didn’t I join the lunar guard?!

Perhaps I should explain.

Aside from the fact I look damn fine in the armor, I mean, dayum! The thestral guys are actually fucking awesome guys!

The day was spent mostly just getting to know one another on the expense of the two Princess’. We spent the day doing some sword combat training, orientation, a brief history of the thestrals. Which, by the way, is absolutely bloody interesting, I plan to go to the library on my next night off and getting some more books about these guys and their history and coming from me, that should tell you why people need to do it for themselves.

We also got to meet Captain Moon Dancer.

Fuck. Me.

I know I am a little bit of a womanizer but holy arse balls Moon Dancer is fucking fit. When she came in to address us in orientation I literally, literally could feel my damn pants tighten and my eyeballs threaten to pop out. She had a beautiful head of purple hair that, in a really cute way, covered her right eye, leaving her one ice blue eye viewable. Like all thestrals I’ve seen, she had a cat like slit for a purple which, I wanna add again, makes them look so fucking cool.

But her armour? Damn, woman must of have gotten her armour custom made because holy shit.

Okay. For women in the guard, they don’t wear armored platelegs like the men do, they wear a plate skirt that comes to just about the top of their knees, a small gap, then knee high plate boots. But damn does the Captain wear hers nicely!

I’ve mentioned my love for butts before, right? Somehow, this thestral has an arse bigger and plumper than any other women I’ve know, including Fluttershy’s with a pair of awesome tits to match, again, better than any other women. Yet, they fitted so perfectly in her armor it was ridiculous. Her plateskirt also seemed to be shorter than other female guards, hugging her ear tightly and perfect, or that might have been just my perverted imagination on that one.

I had to put a lot of damn care not to stare and oggle her body because aside from the fact she was sexy as fuck. She was also scary as fuck.

She took no shit, and this poor bastard Sergeant that came with me found that out the hard way after she caught him staring at her arse. He was out for four hours doing laps around the training ground, made even harder by the fact he had to do it whilst standing on his hands. If he fucked up, he had to start from the beginning.

Mind you, it wasn’t all that bad.

Like I said, we went out on the town on the Princess’ expense to a local pub and it’s like Captain Moon Dancer has a split personality or something. Once she had sunk a few, and boy that woman nearly puts Berry to shame with her love of cider, she was cheery, grinning like mad and just damn friendly. I even had a couple of games of pool with her, which I lost both times.

You try keeping your cool when you're drunk and a fine arsed woman is bent over a pool table. Faust damn it.

But during the night, we got chatting and she’s actually pretty damn chill. We like the same kinda films, games and books. Not to mention she also despised my old Captain as well. And by Faust did she have some good dirt on him. I will never, never look at the Captain the same way again once I learned he was and still is a massive ballet fan. Now, that’s not a bad thing, each to their own. But the guy wore a proper pink tutu and everything. I can’t get that image out of my head and I just fall over laughing when i think of it. That, and I feel nauseous.

Which leads me to my earlier point. Why didn’t I join the lunar guard? Moon Dancer is like my old Captain but so much better. I can tell she will come down hard on your arse if you fuck up, which is fine I get that. But I’ve seen she does have a calmer and more friendlier side. Sure this may be just cos she was a little drunk or we were out of work hours but who cares. She’s scary sexy hot!

And I get to be her partner tomorrow. I’m just praying I don’t fuck up on it. Or that little shit, Dewdrop doesn't turn up anywhere, havn’t seen him today thank fuck.

But he’s a sneaky son of a bitch.

...

I’m getting him a fucking bell.

~Copper

Comments

[ShadowLDrago]

On second thoughts, that’s a little bit too disgusting. But the point still stands, I want to throttle the little weasel.

I know the feeling too damn well.

Somehow, the lucky bastard landed Princess Cadance as his girlfriend! When the hell did that happen? Was it after I dropped out of high school or is it a perk of being a Captain because if that’s the case then sign me the fuck up for climbing ranks!

No, Shining got her to fall in love with him on his own.

The cheeky dick waffle

Aside from the fact I look damn fine in the armor, I mean, dayum! The thestral guys are actually fucking awesome guys!

You're not wrong.

I can tell she will come down hard on your arse if you fuck up, which is fine I get that.

Agreed, you fuck up, you get in trouble, natural.

[DarkStarz]

*goes on fimfiction* Let's see... any new stories updated? Oh 1 new chapter! cool lets see. To love the moon I hope! or long way from hom-..... hang on a minute... I gotta recap the last 2 years... oh. Oh my. This is the last story I expected to see updated... (im not complaining)

[56]

it took me hours to scrub that sh*t of the ceiling..."

off

[Luna Aeterna Solutae]

4604706 she then later deuced over a shitfit she threw and abandoned her girls.

[Whitescorpion]

Why was this story added to the Alternative Conversion Bureau group?

[SkyFirw]

Hope he end's up with Moon Dancer.

[The Hat Mann]

Happy to see this story still lives. If I wanted any OC from FimFic to be canonised, it'd have to be Copper Hand.

[GambofLod]

love the salad fingers reference xD