Journal of a Royal Guard

by Mr101

Entry 15

July 23rd, 1DR

Oh man, what a couple of days it’s been.

So, I’ve been apart of the better relations initiative now since the twentieth and in all honesty, and this is genuine honesty. I feel as if for the first time since joining the Guard I actually enjoy my job, enjoy protecting the people. I don’t know what’s come over me.

Is it the sexy as fuck dark blue and purple armor? Maybe… maybe.

Is it the fact Captain Moon Dancer is, excluding the Princess’, a bad ass bitch and hot as fuck? Very much so.

Is it the fact I’ve spent the past three days with no annoying fuckwit cadets and arsemunching old decrepid ex-Captains?

Pretty much.

But yeah, I really am enjoying my time in the Lunar guard. And people have noticed a sudden change in my attitude. For example, I had a surprise visit by my mother yesterday evening to tell me that my brother had been promoted, again.

And I only got angry internally for a few minutes. Which is good considering the last time she told me he had been promoted before I joined the Guard I don’t really recall what happened. All I can remember is I went out to get wankered at the local pub and somehow wound up in Stalliongrad with no shoes, four empty bottles of hard cider, a briefcase filled with nothing but shredded newspaper and for some reason a woolly hat that was designed to look like a cat curled up on your head.

Yeah, I hate my arrogant twat of a brother, especially when things go good for him.

But this time? I only got a little miffed. Sure, at first I wanted to punch something or go out and get drunk. But I didn’t.

This was noticed by my mother who said I had a new glint in my eyes, like I had finally found my niche. She also complimented the armor as well, which was nice.

And speaking of my brother, I met up with Captain Moon Dancer for a patrol this morning that we were assigned to and she noticed I had a slight look of irritation. For some reason, I felt I could tell her what my problem was.

I awoke a few minutes later on the ground, having been knocked out by Moon for being a, and I quote, ‘whiny man child’.

She then proceeded to tell me that the only reason why I was angered and irritated by my brother’s success was because I had no drive in my life. And, you know what, she was right. I know that people have been saying it to me my whole life, friends and family alike. But… I don’t know, something about Moon Dancer made me actually think about it.

Oh fuck me, do I like like her?

Shit.

That’s not going to be a good ending, is it?

Preeeetty certain she ain’t the lovesy feelsy kinda gal.

Anyway, getting off topic. So after she beat the crap out of me and berated me before giving me some words of encouragement albeit in a bit of a harsh way. She shouted at me to get my act together and stop being, as quoted earlier, a whiny man child, before telling me I had potential. Something about a gut feeling I dunno. Thestrals be crazy.

Anywho, on our patrol we heard someone scream and came four muggers robbing a poor old dear. Unlike last time before I got promoted I actually felt a rush of adrenaline and without realizing it I was in pursuit of the muggers. Two were being chased by Moon and the others by myself.

I chased them into a dead end alley and I thought that it would be the end of it. No way out, easy arrest, Bob’s your uncle. Right?

Wrong.

Fucking. Wrong.

Turns out, muggins here fell right into a trap. The fellows I got arrested the other day? These were their mates. The old dear who was being ‘mugged’?

Their. Fucking. Mother.

Yeah, turns out the guys I got arrested were brothers. Small world.

Anyway, as I cornered them I saw the two smirk and turned around to see the old hag and about six other other guys blocking the exit.

Big momma, as for whatever fucking reason that was what they called the witch, was pissed off that her sons were in prison, understandable, and she held me accountable, despite the fact I fucking stumbled upon them by accident and they would have been arrested anyway.

I’ll save the rant and speech she gave and sum it up by saying she wanted revenge. And that was for me to basically get the living shit kicked out of me and if I happened to die in the process then she said that would be a bonus. Lovely lady.

But, even when the guys were ordered on me, I didn't feel fear.

Okay, I was touching cloth a little, but I still had that feeling of adrenaline rushing through me.

So, as they took out their hidden swords, I went for mine. I was filled with determination as I readied for my epic showdown with those no good dirt bags.

From what I can recall of the battle, in and out of blacking out, I actually managed to take down two of the assailants with a lucky whack to the head with my shield and I nicked one in the side. However, sod’s law being sod’s law I got my arse kicked. Badly.

Hey, was outnumbered eight to one. Nine if you count the bitch.

But, what I do remember is seeing Moon Dancer in action and Faust wept. She is a fucking tank. The two she had been chasing thought they had lost her and joined in on big Momma’s attack on me, but she had followed them and had arrived literally just in the nick of time.

I don’t usually get all, what’s the phrase, poetic or whatever when describing shit. But it was like watching someone perform ballet. A blood, angry and violent ballet with lots of swearing and cries of agony. She just fucking wrecked the wankers in what seemed like, five-ten seconds? I don't’ know, I can’t really remember.

I woke up in the hospital about an hour or so later and found out that one of the assailants poisoned me with one of their blades. A lucky hit under my arm just where my torso connects where there is no armor. So that made me feel a little bit better about my arse kicking.

Plus, I got some nice scars, one just under my eye which is neat. Bitches love scars.

I got a few visitors over the rest of the day. Captain Shining Armor and Princess Cadance actually visited which was pretty awesome of them. We chatted for a bit, he showed me a few cars he had gotten when he was a Corporal and what not. Later on my mother came in and Faust she acted as if I was nearly killed or some shit.

Well, actually, I nearly was. So fair enough.

After being told how proud she was of me, she told me that my father and brother, who was taking some time off to be with his new woman, were gunna come to Canterlot in order to see me. I was going to say I might not be able to do it due to work, but Shining Armor overheard and said I could have some leave when they come down due to the fact my injuries from the poison blade would linger for a little while.

Great.

I suspected Dewfuckingdrop to turn up but a couple of hours after my mother, Shining Armor and Princess Cadance left, but no one did and it was blissful.

Till I heard that sneaky Faust damned, mother fucking, cunt sucking, fudge packing, wank stain, fuck muffin breathing right by my fucking bed!

I do not know how the fuck he managed to get into the fucking room without me so much as fucking noticing but fuck me did I scream. I mean, I fucking screamed as if death himself had shoved his bony arm right up my back door and was playing with me like I was a fucking shit puppet.

He bolted, Faust bles the little devil. But it did attract the attention of the nursing staff.

Thankfully, they agreed I had some kind of hallucinogenic dream like nightmare thing brought on by the effects of the poison.

I decided for the best and for my pride, that that was indeed what had happened.

Though, fair play to Dewdrop. After the nurses had left, I did find a small present on the bedside table which contained an apple, a couple of superhero comics and a card with a picture, albeit badly drawn like a kid had done it, of me and him smiling holding hands yadda yadda with the words ‘get well soon’ written on it.

I felt a little conflicted about him after that. Fucking prick.

When it came to the evening, I was actually surprised that Moon Dancer came to visit me in her civvies. The first thing she did was punch me square in the face and started to berate me for being a moron for falling for such an easy trap and for being taken down so quickly.

Kinda had that coming.

However, she suddenly stopped and pulled me into a gently hug and whispered into my ear that she was glad I was alright. I later found out she carried me all the way to the hospital after some reinforcements came by and it was thanks to her that I was alive.

Now, I know when I need to be a man and I did thank her genuinely from my heart to which she said that it was what mates did for each other.

Mates.

You heard it. I’m officially buds with the kick arse Lunar Captain. And it could easily go further if you get my drift and—oh my Faust.

I’m in fucking love aren’t I?

Shit.

Oh, and she then told me, no, threatened me that if I ever spoke about her showing me some concern. She would finish the job the poison started. This woman...

And that isn’t the worst bit.

Apparently, because of me being wounded, Big Momma got away and swore she would put a bounty on my head so that I would never rest easy again till I was dead.I thought it was just Moon making a joke

I laughed.

She laughed.

We laughed.

And then she told me she wasn’t lying. I now have a bounty on my head.

A three thousand bit bounty.

Mother fuck it.

Sometimes… I think I wish I was still a baker.

~Copper

Comments

[ShadowLDrago]

I chased them into a dead end alley and I thought that it would be the end of it. No way out, easy arrest, Bob’s your uncle. Right?
Wrong.
Fucking. Wrong.

Oh boy.

Hey, was outnumbered eight to one. Nine if you count the bitch.

Fair enough.

A lucky hit under my arm just where my torso connects where there is no armor.

To be fair, you need that unarmored spot for be able to move.

Plus, I got some nice scars, one just under my eye which is neat. Bitches love scars.

No, they love cannons, observe:

See?

Till I heard that sneaky Faust damned, mother fucking, cunt sucking, fudge packing, wank stain, fuck muffin breathing right by my fucking bed!

HOW?! And WHY?!

Kinda had that coming.

Ya kinda did.

I’m in fucking love aren’t I?

Yeah.

A three thousand bit bounty.

WOW.

[Seeking Dusk]

Just request a transfer and be done with it loverboy.

[DarkStarz]

shiping.

[Safhell]

so will this be updating on a schedule or will it be like it was with a chp and give a year?

[RazDelacroix]

I for one welcome a new ship betwixt the good guard and his superior captain! I also welcome the idea of our dear guard being tied up and held aloft in the highest tower of the highest mountain guarded by the most cruel and vicious of dragons!

Then, we get to have a picture of our dear guard clinging to the leg of his captain!

...I can dream can't I?!

[djthomp]

Eh, sure, I can ship it.

[HappilyDead]

7246837 Same

[Lesolan - Rest In Peace]

7246675
And what a beautiful dream it is... <3

[ClosetNerdBrony]

3,000 bit bounty?
Ask some sparring lessons with the captain. Not Shining Armor, the other captain.
It will teach you how to fight better and in the long run they'll basically be dates.

[Ninjahzzzz]

7251192 Combat dates, the best kind of dates.... 'Cept the candied ones, those are delicious.

[Waifu Crossbreed]

That profile picture though, mr101.

[Waifu Crossbreed]

Dewdrop does care!

[Wiriamuzu]

7513126 Oddly specific but yeah Im picking up what youre throwing down.