• Published 27th May 2014
  • 1,144 Views, 19 Comments

Cherry Bomb - The Rarispy



Pinkie Pie's attempt to create the world's first "Chimmicherrychanga" sparks chaos.

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The Hour of the Cherry

The scene was set. It was a harmonious day, and there wasn't a cloud to be seen in the sky. Not a cloud that is, except for one hovering above the rest, radiating a sense of joy and creativity.

Rainbow Dash’s house was one of her proudest achievements. She had hoof-sculpted the whole structure together with her father. It screamed sophistication with its Greek-inspired design, but was also unique in its lopsided tower and cascading rainbow pools. Several of Rainbow’s friends and colleagues have admitted being jealous of her awesome abode.

And as for Rainbow Dash herself, she was up high in the foyer, watering the flowers that grew up close to the ceiling.

“Ahh, there we go,” she said peacefully as she finished up. “These chrysanthemums are looking better than ever before.” Taking a breath of fresh air, she began flying back down towards her couch. “Now I can finally take a break, and get some well-deserved relaxation.”

But just as she had stretched her arms out and gotten comfortable, the doorbell rang.

“Huh? I wonder who that could be?”

Rainbow went over to open the door and gasped happily when she saw who it was.

“Pinkie Pie!”

Pinkie Pie was at Rainbow’s door, dressed as a Filly Scout… except that NO FILLY SCOUT SHOULD WEAR AN OUTFIT LIKE THAT.

“Hey there, miss,” said Pinkie Pie in an unusually sultry voice. “I’m selling candy door-to-door. Mind if I… come in?”

“Of course, right this way,” said Rainbow Dash. “Don’t forget to wipe your shoes first.”

“Ohhh, actually, if you don’t mind, my hooves are feeling pretty… HOT. I’d better kick these heels right off.” And so she did.

“So, how can I help you?”

“What was that?” asked Pinkie.

“I said…” Rainbow cleared her throat. “What do you want me to do?”

“Well, you see, it’s a special kind of candy,” Pinkie answered, taking some strange deep breaths between sentences. “The kind that… money just can’t buy.”

“What is it?”

Toola-Roola,” she said. They were walking up the stairs now, towards a very particular room. “Very rare brand, practically… one of a kind…”

“What is it like?”

“It’s pink, and fluffy… and very, very… slimy.”

The door to Rainbow Dash’s bedroom slowly creaked open.

“Do you want the toola-roola, Rainbow Dash?”

“I do.”

“Oh, I don’t know…” Pinkie moaned, as she sat Rainbow down on her own bed. “I don’t usually like to give this candy to just anypony, especially not a goody-goody two-shoes.”

“What are you saying?” asked Rainbow.

“I tend to reward mares who are a little more…” she raised an eyebrow. “…naughty.”

“Oh, but I am naughty.”

“Are you? Are you really really really naughty?”

“Yes, I’m very naughty. In fact…” Rainbow was practically lying down on the bed now. “I’ve been a very, very bad girl…”

“Then… you deserve what’s coming.” She opened up the candy box.

“It’s… beautiful.”

“Then put it on, Dashy...” said Pinkie in her bedroom eyes.

“Oh, but Pinkie… I think you should try it first.”

“Well, if you insist…”

Pinkie Pie leaned in closer to Rainbow Dash, to the point where she was practically hovering over her.

“Oh, Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash…”

“RAINBOW DASH!”

“Huh? What?”

“Are you listening to me?” asked Scootaloo.

The two of them were sitting on a cloud together. How Scootaloo can sit on a cloud when she’s still flightless as a dodo, I’ll never know. Rainbow had been caught with her hoof in her mouth… literally, lost in her bizarre fantasy.

“Uhhhhh… what were you talking about again?”

“I was just saying, now that you’re applying for the Wonderbolts Academy and all that, I was wondering if maybe you could write me a letter of recommendation for their foals’ division, the Wonder Scouts!”

“Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Whatever you want, kiddo.” Rainbow was trying to be nice, but as Scootaloo rambled on, her mind kept drifting back to Pinkie Pie.

“Once I get into the Wonder Scouts, I’ll finally get my wings off the ground, and then I can start learning some cool tricks and moves…”

That luscious pink mane, like cotton candy. I could just eat it right up…

“You could show me some too! We could hang out all the time, and catch up on some sweet tricks…”

Pinkie’s laugh… THAT laugh...

There was no greater sound in all of Equestria, Rainbow decided.

“And we’ll be like two awesome Wonderbolt Sisters-in-Training! Wouldn’t that just be awesome?”

“Dashy… Oh, Dashy… Such a silly-billy!”

“I’ll be the best Junior Wonderbolt ever! Chikka-chikka-yeah!”

“Wait… ‘chikka-chikka-yeah’?” Rainbow repeated, snapping back to reality. “Is that really a thing? Do you foals actually say that now?”

“…Yes?”

But poor Rainbow Dash was just too distracted by the sexy to keep focusing.

“Ugh, look kid,” she said. “It was nice chatting with ya, but… I gotta go stop Pinkie before she makes a terrible mistake!” Suddenly, she sped off. “We’ll talk another time, okay?”

“What just happened?” asked Scootaloo, to nopony in particular.


Some stallions are born brave. Others find the braveness within them. Heroes are around us every day, working hard to protect ponies’ lives, keep the peace, and look totally bodacious while doing it.

Agent Rudolfo could’ve just taken the train. But that’s what a little wimp would do. No, a true badass like Rudolfo jumps out of a helicopter, taking a graceful dive into the clouds below, accidentally knocking off an orange filly on her way down…

“Waaaahhh!”

Ehh, that’s okay. She can probably just fly anyway.

Rudolfo opened up his parachute to descend onto the town square. You’d think somepony would have looked up at the strange pony in a business suit and sunglasses coming down on a bright orange parachute. But to be fair, Ponyville has seen much stranger sights.

Like Cerberus. That was pretty out there.

“Agent’s log, 13:00. I have arrived in Ponyville, the residence of my targeted hostile. Now begins phase two of the operation. I must gather intel on Pinkamena Diane Pie and find out as much info as I can about her diabolical plans before signaling the chief to bring troops in.”

“As we speak, I am observing a lavender unicorn carrying a massive bag of cherry fruits. How peculiar. Perhaps I should move in and conduct an interrogation… incognito.”

Twilight Sparkle hummed to herself as she loaded some packets of cumin, cinnamon, and oregano into her bag and moved on to the next item in Pinkie Pie’s exceedingly long grocery list. Just as she was approaching the cheese stand however, a teenage girl… or something in a blonde wig, walked up to her.

“Like, OMG, hi guuuuurl! How you doin’ today?” she said in an obnoxious teenage-like voice.

“Umm, hi. Do I… know you?”

“Why, it’s me, like, your best friend’s… older sister’s… best friend’s… girlfriend, Plucky Perm!” ‘Plucky’ put her hoof around Twilight’s shoulder. “Remember? We met at my uncle’s Disco Rodeo last Sunday, and it was SO fab!”

“Wait, I have five best friends, and, well, none of them have an older sister… that I know of,” said Twilight. “And what the hay is a Disco Rodeo?”

“Well, you have some memory issues then, like, for realsies,” said ‘Plucky’, making a weird hoof gesture. Her attention turned to Twilight’s potato bag full of cherries. “Say, what’s in the bag? That’s a whole lot of cherries!”

“Uhh, yeah. They’re… for Pinkie, she’s making something at Sugarcube Corner…”

“Oh my gosh, so cool!”

“Yeeeeah, and, she really needs these right now, so… I’d better go! Nice talking with you!” Twilight was quick to get out of that uncomfortable situation as soon as possible.

Agent Rudolfo took off the creepy wig and spoke on his wrist communicator.

“She’s at a place called the Sugarcube Corner, Chief. Send backup, over.”

“Roger that, over.” Chief O’Hara picked up the office phone. “Agent Roger, get those troops over, over.”

“Roger that, over.” Agent Roger levitated a walkie-talkie with his magic from inside his station. “Agent Over, start rounding them up, over!”

“Roger that, Roger! Over!”

“Good job, Over! Over!”

Meanwhile back in Ponyville, Roseluck was trying to teach her puppy new tricks.

“Roll over, Roger! ROLL OVER!”

“Arf arf!”


“And that was the first time I had ever done it with a melon!”

Bon Bon and Lyra Heartstrings were both in stitches. These two “““friends””” were having a nice spot of afternoon tea with their best friend, Carrot Top, inside their nice home in Ponyville. It was an Earl Gray brew. Lyra’s tea had a lemon wedge in it, Bon Bon’s was a lime. Carrot Top was stirring a carrot in hers, and it was so steaming hot that the bubbles inside it-- wait, why am I going into so much detail about TEA?

“Golly gee, Carrot Top! You tell the funniest stories sometimes!” said Bon Bon. “…Even if I still don’t believe they’re true.”

“Hey, believe what you want, Bon Bon. But as I keep telling you, I lead an interesting life.”

“Oh, of course. Granted, being a carrot farmer in itself is still more exciting than just selling sweets to ponies all day long… You have it easy, Lyra.”

Lyra spit out her tea. “Hey now, have you ever tried to play the harp with hooves, Bon Bon? It’s a lot harder than you think it is! It takes years of training and practice to master… hoove-playing.”

“As opposed to what? What else would you play a harp with?” Bon Bon retorted. Lyra looked around awkwardly in response.

“Soooo, either of you gals heard about Pinkie Pie’s new invention?” Carrot Top pried, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah, I think I heard her ranting about it the other day. Something about… cherries or something?”

Lyra spit her tea again, except now she had a strange look on her face and coughed a little as she spewed.

“Kind of silly when you think about it, right Lyra?”

“Oh, uh… yeah. Right. Totally!” Lyra replied, suddenly giggling nervously and speaking with a hint of anxiety. “Heh-heh. Silly, yeah… cherries are silly.”

“I see…” Carrot Top suddenly stood up and glanced at the clock. “Well, uh… Would you look at the time! I’ve gotta to go, umm, water those carrots now!” And she dashed out of there faster than Bon Bon could say ‘ta-ta for now.’

“Huh. That was weird. I wonder what--”

“I NEED TO GO PRACTICE MY HARP NOW, BYE!” Lyra sped out the door too.

“…As was that.”

As soon as she had slammed the door, Lyra immediately began twitching and convulsing all over, breathing at a rapid pace. She began sprinting down the street with a fierce look in her eyes.

“Phew, that was close! Can’t let Bon Bon know about my problem! Cherries! CHERRIES!” she barked. “Where are they!? MUST. FIND. THE CHERRIES.”


…Is everypony in this town psychotic? But anyway, while that was going on, Carrot Top peeked out from behind another pony’s house and started speaking into a walkie-talkie as she walked.

“This is the madame reporting,” she stated. “The les-pony couple knows nothing. That, or they’re playing ignorant. I can’t assess that right now, they’re probably too busy assessing each other’s asses. Meet me here on South Street, the side adjacent to the town squa—Oof!”

A collision ensued between her and another pony.

“Oh! So sorry, Carrot Top, I didn’t see you there!” said Twilight Sparkle.

“That’s okay.” Carrot Top dusted herself off and shook her mane... scattering some orange dust around for some reason.

“Say, who were you just talking to?”

“Uhh, nopony! Who were you just talking to?”

“…You?”

Carrot Top sighed. “Sorry, Twilight. I’m just a little bit on edge right now, one of my carrots just died recently, and well… I haven’t been the same since.” She glanced around at her surroundings, but her interest seemed to peek significantly when she snuck a peek at Twilight’s hefty load of groceries. “In fact, I think I could use a bit of a pick-me-up. Something sweet… from Sugarcube Corner! Do you know if Pinkie’s there right now?”

“She is but… today’s Sunday. They’re closed on Sundays.”

“Oh. Darn.” Carrot wracked at her noggin, as if trying to come up with another idea. “Well, I know Pinkie Pie is a good friend. She’ll give me a cupcake if I ask nicely, right?”

“Actually, Pinkie’s working on an experiment right now. She wants to create some kind of… chimi-cherry… thing,” Twilight explained. “I’m bringing her some ingredients from the market, and then, I think she’s probably going to be really busy.”

But Carrot Top for whatever reason wasn’t going to take no for an answer. She stood up straight and started advancing on Twilight, forcing Twilight to start stepping backwards.

“Twilight, I’m demanding that you take me to Sugarcube Corner.”

“Why is everypony so interested in seeing Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner today? First that weird teenage mare, and now you?” Twilight stepped away from Carrot Top’s increasingly creepy advances. “I’m-I’m sorry, but I can’t! It just wouldn’t be fair to Pinkie Pie to have you guys drop in uninvited! I’ve gotta go!”

She tried to leave, but Carrot Top gripped her by the flank. OH, DEAR.

“You don’t understand! I have a heart condition, and…”But then she gasped, and grasped her heart suddenly as she tumbled, tumbled to the ground. “Oh, no! Oh, no, it’s going! I think… my heart… HAS STOPPED!”

Carrot Top was slipping into unconsciousness now, struggling to even keep her poor green eyes open.

“Oh my goodness! We have to get you to a hospital!” Twilight clamored. She tried to grab Carrot Top by the half, but she wouldn’t budge.

“No! There’s no time! Only one of Pinkie Pie’s legendary, blood-pumping candy burritos can help me now! You must take me there! Before I perish from this world forever!” She started spasming awkwardly and flailed her arms about. “OHHHH, THE AGONY! BURNING, BURNING AND TORMENT!”

It was such a silly performance. So silly in fact, that Twilight saw right through it.

“Forget it,” she said, and went back to her list.

“It’s too late for me now,” Carrot Top continued, in the most melodramatic voice she could muster. “My vision’s going black, life flashing before my eyes, all those carrot seeds I never got to plant! Wasted! WASTED! Ohhh, why? Goodbye… cruel, cruel Equestria.”

And thus… the mare known as Carrot Top did bite the bullet.

Tragic, as it always is. Taken cruelly from this world before her time by a sudden heart attack. A lesson to be learned by all, on eating nothing but carrots your entire life. No calcium. No protein. Just those weird chemicals that can eventually turn your skin orange if you eat too much of them.

“Oh, no.” A strange looking stallion with cherries for a Cutie Mark and a bobbed black mane rushed over to mourn. “Say it ain’t so! OH, CHE—I MEAN, CARROT TOP! WHY’D YOU HAVE TO LEAVE US SO SOON!?”

“Ow!”

He was met with a slap in the face from Carrot Top, who quickly got up and brushed herself off.

“I’m not dead, Cherry Strudel. I just decided to fake my own death,” she explained.

“Oh. But why?”

Carrot Top squeezed him close and whispered, “Once we’ve exposed ourselves, there’s no going back. Best to let the world think I’m dead now than to go through an embarrassing situation later.”

“Oh. Sooo, how did the reconnaissance go?”

“I’ve found out everything I needed to. Round up the rest of the group and tell them to prepare equipment and resources for Procedure… Cherry Bomb.”


“Is it just me, or is everypony acting really weird today? If I see any more crazy ponies around here, I think I’m going to--”

Now, Twilight Sparkle was met by… probably the strangest sight of them all. Lyra Heartstrings stood at the other end of the street, slowly walking towards her. But something was horribly wrong.

For one thing, she was foaming at the mouth. Her eye was twitching, and her mane was all defrazzled. She walked awkwardly too, almost like a zombie or a disoriented dog. The smile she flashed at Twilight was… beyond creepy.

Once she was finally mere inches away from Twilight, Lyra just stood there, knees trembling, still foaming at the mouth, and exhaling heavily.

“Umm… hi, Lyra.”

“Hey there, Twilight.” Almost like the voice of a back-alley creep. “Nice weather we’re having today, isn’t it?”

“Yes. It’s a perfect day out. Nice day for shopping.” She chuckled nervously, trying to look for a way out from this psycho.

“Those are some, uhh, some nice CHERRIES you got there, Twilight.”

“Thank you…?”

“It sure would be a shame if… something were to happen to these cherries…” Lyra was stroking Twilight’s potato bag in a very awkward manner. “Where are you going with all of these ch-ch-cherries, anyway?”

Twilight gulped. “Well, they’re for Pinkie, and--”

“Pinkie Pie, huh?” She pressed her nose to Twilight’s. “Where? WHERE IS SHE?”

“She’s at Sugarcube Corner! And before you ask, I can’t--”

“Sugarcube Corner, huh?” Now she backed away, and sat down on the ground. “That’s nice… That’s really nice… Well, you carry on with that shopping, Twilight. I’ll just be over here, not following you at all. Have fun with those… those cherries.”

Twilight gave a nervous smile, and then sprinted away like a bullet. Lyra continued to sit for… a good minute or so, and then started bouncing in Twilight’s direction, still sitting on the ground… and still foaming at the mouth.

But she wasn’t hopping for very long.

“Owww… Hey, watch where you’re going!”

“Oh, hey Rainbow Dash,” said Lyra from underneath her. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

Rainbow shook the dust off and prepared to take off again. “I’ve got to find Pinkie Pie, before it’s too late!”

“Pinkie Pie? OH!” Lyra remembered. “She’s, uh… she’s at Sugarcube Corner, so says Twilight and her… ginormous bag of… CHERRIES…” She started breathing heavy again.

“Thanks for the tip, Lyra! I’M OFF!”

Rainbow spread out her wings and thrusted forward. However some force was keeping her tethered to the ground. Lyra had grabbed onto her legs.

“WAIT!” Lyra begged. “TAKE ME WITH YOU!”

“Huh? No way! You’re totally gonna slow me down! Besides, you’re kind of creeping me out right now.”

“PLEASE!”

“GET OFF!” Rainbow shouted, trying to wriggle herself free. Eventually, she did start to gain distance, but she was dragging Lyra along the ground in the process.

“YOU MUST!”

“NNG! I SAID, LET GO!”

THINK OF THE CHERRIES!


Meanwhile, in story twelve, Agent Rudolfo had re-donned the creepy teenager disguise and was now heading down the road to Sugarcube Corner. But then he stopped and hid behind a cow when he stopped a ghastly sight.

The National Equestrian Society of Cherry Pioneers was marching down the same road from a different path. They marched six to a row, clad in their military uniforms and armed with their arsenal of Cherry Bombs.

Strangely, they weren’t being led by their robed, mustachioed leader from the bunker, but by Carrot Top of all ponies, now sporting an army hat and face paint of her own. She had a cherry stem in her teeth like a toothpick.

As soon as he was sure they had passed, Agent Rudolfo opened a channel on his wristwatch.

“Chief O’Hara, we’re in trouble, and I might need that backup pronto! The Soviets are in on this too!”

The Chief sighed on the other end.

“All right. I’ll send those agents down as fast as I can, but you must get to Pinkamena before they do!” he clarified. “Remember, I want her brought to me… ALIVE.”

“Oh, alive. Of course. Because if you hadn’t said that, I totally would’ve just pulled out my gun and shot her dead.”

“There’s no need to be sarcastic with me, agent.”

“I, uh… I actually wasn’t being sarcastic, sir,” he said sheepishly. He tucked his gun into his coat pocket.


Soooo, while all those parties were converging on point zero, Twilight Sparkle, somehow, made it to Sugarcube Corner first. The ingredients for Pinkie’s product were so much at this point that she had to pull them all in because the load wouldn’t even fit through the door.

Pinkie Pie burst open the door and ran over to greet her friend, wearing her trendy chef’s hat and a red-stained apron that read, “If you don’t like the food, I’ll have to bake you into cupcakes!

“Twilight, you’re back! Did ya get the stuff?”

“I think so. I got your cherries, the special flour, rice mix, bacon bits… and all the other stuff you asked for.”

Pinkie Pie inspected the groceries one-by-one, tossing them willy-nilly, and pulled out a bag of flour. She looked puzzled by it.

“Oh. You did get flour. … Well, I guess that’s fine too!”

“Huh? Wait, then what did you mean by white powde—”

“I guess now I can finally get crackin’ on those chimicherrychangas!” She bounced off into the kitchen, leaving a nonplussed Twilight behind to try to make sense of what just happened.

She didn’t think too hard though, before Pinkie burst back out.

“Come on, Twilight! You can help! It’ll be fun!”


They spent the next few hours preparing the goods together, which seemed to ultimately culminate in Pinkie Pie doing all the baking while Twilight just fetched her ingredients and carried the heavy stuff.

But eventually, a single rectangular concoction of bread, cherries, cheese, parsley, and… all that other stuff, was wrapped into a spicy tortilla and tossed into the oven.

The two friends proceeded to wait out in the main room while the chimicherrychanga cooked. Neither of them said a word, they just… sat there with no other sound but the clock. Just the clock, going tick-tock.

Tick-tock.

Tick-tock.

Tick-tock.

“So, written any new letters to Princess Celestia lately?” But then Twilight shushed her.

“Do you… hear that?”

There was a faint rumbling sound in the distance.

“Sounds like a stampede of angry, armed cherry farmers!”

“R-really?”

“Either that, or just a rumbly in my tummy!”

The door was busted open by Carrot Top with a battering ram. She tossed it aside and marched in, accompanied by the Cherryteers. They all came in single-file and moved into a formation. Once they had all assembled, Carrot Top lowered her military goggles, fished out a baseball bat, and pointed it in Pinkie Pie’s general direction.

“Nope, it’s just angry, armed cherry farmers!”

“Pinkamena Diane Pie, we’ve got a bone to pick with you!” Carrot Top declared.

“Don’t you mean a cherry to pick with me? Hee-hee!”

“What?” said Carrot Top.

“What?”

“Carrot Top? What are you doing here?” asked Twilight.

Carrot Top dropped the bat and gave a coy smile.

“Oh, but that’s just it, Twilight. I was never really just a measly old carrot-gardening background pony. The truth is, there is no Carrot Top!”

Carrot Top removed the goggles and jumped up into the air, making a dramatic pose. Lightning struck from above, and transformed Carrot Top into her true form. Donning the black robe, she was now the same C.T. from the cherry pioneers’ bunker.

Her orange and green color scheme was swapped out for beige and red. Her green eyes became golden. The bunch of carrots on her Cutie Mark became a pair of cherries, and the red mustache re-appeared on her muzzle.

Her voice was now just slightly deeper than her Carrot Top voice.

“There is only CHERRY TOP, Equestria’s greatest cherry tycoon, and the leader of the National Equestrian Society of Chery Pioneers!” She picked up the bat again and started beating it in her hooves. “Surrender your recipes to us, Pinkie Pie, and acknowledge us as the one and true league of cherry pioneers, or face the wrath of our CHERRY BOMBS!”

The Cherryteers each grabbed a Cherry Bomb from their arsenal, ready to chuck it at will.

Pinkie gasped as the camera zoomed in dramatically on her face.

“WHAT A TWEEST!”

“Speaking of twists…” said a voice from outside.

Just then, several ponies in black suits busted in from the windows with their fancy karate kicks. There were about six of them (one for each window) and they all surrounded Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie on both sides. All of them dug out a stun gun and pointed them at the duo.

Among them was the ever-cunning Agent Rudolfo Ramirez.

“So, we meet at last… pink one,” said Agent Rudolfo.

“Huh? Ponies in black business suits?” Pinkie gasped. “You’re the Colts in Black! That must mean there’s an alien in our midst, right? Who is it? Who’s the alien in disguise? Is it Cherry Jubilee?” She gasped… again. “Is it Twilight? Oh my gosh, Twilight, you’re an alien!?”

“What? No—”

“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie started shaking her violently. “Why didn’t you ever tell us you were an alien from another planet sent here to spy on us and report your findings on friendships and cupcakes to your evil alien overlord in a distant galaxy far, far away!?”

“Because I’m not,” said Twilight, pushing her away.

“Your mind games won’t work on us, pink one. You have something we want.”

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY STASH!”

“Stash? What stash?” asked Rudolfo, lowering his sunglasses. “We’re just talking about your experiments in cherry weaponizing.”

“Ohhhh,” Pinkie said, giving a sigh of relief.

“Wait, what do you mean by cherry weaponizing?” asked Twilight.

Rudolfo turned to her scornfully. “What are you, an accessory to her diabolical ways? I see she’s already trained you in the ways of facading!”

“I don’t think that’s a real word—”

“But you can’t trick us!” he continued. “We are agents of Equestria’s prime and noble secret organization, the Celestial Intervention Agency!”

As if on cue, the other six agents jumped up in the air, landed with their legs spread out, and shouted, “YO!”

“The Celestial Intervention Agency?” Twilight repeated. “Wait… I’ve heard of you guys! I thought Princess Celestia shut that group down because she decided that weapons and espionage had no place in Equestrian affai—”

“That-- that’s… classified information!” Agent Rudolfo asserted, clearly trying to shush her. “All right, so maybe we’re operating a bit, ‘unofficially’, and we’re just waiting to seize a big conspiracy so we can regain the Princess’s respect. But that’s not important right now! The point is, we know about your secret experiments, and we’re here to shut you and your cherry bombs down! SEAL THE AREA!”

Five of the agents got to work locking down the windows, which had magically regenerated somehow, while the sixth fished out a large plank to bar the front door with.

“Cherry bombs? You mean like… these?” said Cherry Fizzy, holding up her bomb.

“Yes, exactly!” Rudolfo replied, nodding. “…Wait a minute.”

“WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!” shouted another voice.

The sixth agent hadn’t even finished locking down the last window before Rainbow Dash swooped in.

“PINKIE PIE! WAIT UP! YOU CAN’T!”

She rolled along the ground, and then stopped short just in front of Twilight and Pinkie. In a strangely uncharacteristic move, she then BUCKED Twilight away and embraced Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, thank goodness! I made it just in time to stop you!”

“Oh, hey, Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie cheerfully greeted. Just then, the oven timer rang from inside. “You’re just in time! Wait right there!”

She hopped back into the kitchen, and all the parties gathered just… stood there, looking dumbfounded.

“Huh?”

Twilight was struggling to get up after that buck-in-the-face.

“Rainbow, what the he--”

But then Pinkie Pie came out of the kitchen, with a steaming, scrumptious looking entrée on her plate. She proudly showed it off to her now not-so-secret admirer.

“Look, I finally popped that cherry that I was talking about! See? Looks tasty, doesn’t it?”

Rainbow just shook her head in confusion.

“Wait… you mean… when you said ‘popping your cherry’, you just meant…” She gulped. “Baking cherry-themed goods?”

“Yup! And I think it came out scrumptiously!” Pinkie innocently replied. “So, wanna try out my treat?”

“Look! She’s threatening that sexually confused pony with her deadly weapon! LET’S GET HER!” shouted Rudolfo.

The six agents all took out guns and got ready to pounce them all. But then, ALL the action ceased when another loud rumbling occurred.

Out of nowhere, the ROOF was smashed in, as the top gun of a freaking MILITARY TANK leered in and positioned itself straight at Pinkie Pie.

And who was at the helm of this large and inconspicuous tank? Why, none other than Applejack!

BUY SOME APPLES‼

“HI, APPLEJACK!”

That’s right. All logic was now officially out the window.

“Applejack, what are you—”

“Stay out of this, Twilight! This is just between me and Pinkie Pie! She’s betrayed the ways of the apple, and now she must pay!”

“Oooh, nice tank!” Pinkie commented, rubbing the gun with her dishrag. “The E-100’s kind of a shabby model, especially with its poor tire traction, but it’s still nifty!”

Twilight was trying to drag Pinkie away from this chaos.

“Pinkie, come on! We’ve gotta get out of here!”

“Huh? But why?” Pinkie whined. “The party’s just getting started, and now we have enough ponies here to throw one for realsies! CHIMICHERRYCHANGAS FOR EVERYPONY!”

“Wait a minute… chimicherry-whatta?” Rudolfo inquired, lowering his sunglasses again.

“Chimicherrychanga! My magnum opus!” Pinkie responded. “The greatest delicacy to be spun-off of the greatest delicacy in all of Mexicolt! More terrific than a pineapple taco! More bodacious than a lemon burrito! THE CHIMICHERRYCHANGA!” And so, she held her ‘magnum opus’ up in all its majesty. “Copyright to Pinkie Pie of Sugarcube Corner, all rights reserved,” she said rapidly and quietly.

Agent Rudolfo was scratching his head. “Are you saying that it’s NOT a weapon?”

“Well, of course not, silly-willy! Here, try it for yourself!”

“Hmm, well… I haven’t had lunch today…”

“Give me that!” Cherry Top demanded. Just as Rudolfo was about to accept Pinkie Pie’s baked good of delight, she snatched it from Pinkie’s hooves.

“Our leader has been successful in acquiring the cherry menace’s instrument of terror!” Cherry Strudel declared. “Now we can destroy the evidence and crush this rebellion once and for all!”

“Now hold up a minute!” Applejack snapped from above. “Truth is, you’re all goin’ down, because ah’m actually a member of the Fillydelphian Agency of Fruit Affairs!”

“Wait, really!?” said Twilight.

“Well… no, actually. Shucks, it’s just that, everypony else here was working for a secret organization thingy and ah was just here because ah wanted y’all to BUY SOME APPLES. Plum silly when you get right down to it.”

“You’re ALL being silly!” Rainbow shouted. “Right, Fluttershy?”

“Umm, I’m not even in this story, Rainbow.”

“Exactly! All of you!” First, she turned to Agent Rudolfo and his merry band of agents. “A weapon, you guys? Seriously? Where in the hay did you get that idea from!?”

Agent Rudolfo immediately turned to Black Stone. “I concur. You’re fired, Agent Stone.”

“Aww…”

“And you!” said Rainbow, now facing Cherry Top. “What’s your deal anyways, with the whole ‘cherry pioneers’ thing, and the bombs, and the... dark transformation and… mustache…” She was now looking at Cherry Top oddly. “No seriously, what are you even?”

“To be honest… I don’t know anymore,” Cherry Top deeply admitted. “I’m not sure who I am, what my true destiny is… or actually, what I was even thinking.” She gazed at the strange food item in her hooves. “This… chimicherrychanga. I assumed it to be an abomination, a terror to our way of life.”

“But actually…,it is… something much greater…” said Cherry Fizzy.

“Yes, I think I’m beginning to see now…” Cherry Top’s eyes glistened as she stood in deep thought. “This dish would not harm our cherry businesses. Nay, it does not serve to replace cherries, but in fact... is dependent on them in its creation. Therefore, an increase in demand for chimicherrychangas results in… an increase for demand for our cherries!”

“Why, if those things were to sell like hotcakes, then I’d be able to sell mah cherries in bulk in order to help make them!” Cherry Jubilee realized. “Business would be booming!”

“Indeed. I like this idea,” Cherry Top affirmed. “Yes! This is a great idea!” She turned to her loyal cherry pioneers. “All in favor, say aye!”

AYE!

“All in favor, say nay!”

“Nay!” said Cherry Strudel.

“GET OUT!”

“Okay.”

“And what about you, AJ?” said Rainbow.

“But… I-- I just… felt so betrayed, Pinkie Pie doin’ those fancy things with cherries, associating herself with other fruits… I thought y’all loved my apples…”

“Applejack, we all love your apples,” Twilight assured. “But the thing is… we need to share our love and appreciation for all fruits, because all fruits in Equestria are created equal to one another.” She climbed up onto Pinkie’s soapbox. “And we should be more open to the alternative fruits out there, rather than just shutting them out and making them seem excluded.”

Applejack shook her head in disbelief.

"But... think about the traditional values at stake..."

“Applejack, come on,” Twilight pleaded. “We live in a new age now, it’s time to forget the past and look to a more open and expanding future!”

“Yeah, and besides, isn’t apple strudel already a thing?” said Rainbow. “You’ve already had a victory of your own, AJ! How about now, you let the cherries have theirs?”

Applejack pulled out a dusty book. “But the Apple Family Bible says--”

“FORGET WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS!” shouted Twilight. AJ slunk down into her tank to think some things over.

“Hey, you know what this calls for?” Pinkie Pie interjected. “MORE CHIMICHERRYCHANGAS!”

“Pinkie, this is hardly the time for--”

But Twilight was interrupted by a gasp of pure terror. The bag full of cherries that Twilight had torn and toiled for… was completely empty.

That is, except for a certain teal-colored mare, her belly gorged out and her mouth full of juicy cherries. Lyra stared awkwardly back up at Pinkie Pie and smiled as best she could through her red-stained teeth.

“Please don’t tell Bon Bon about my addiction to cherries. She’ll think it’s weird.”

“Ummm, does anypony have some cherries I can borrow?”

The eyes of everypony in Cherry Top’s group turned into dollar signs.


Sometime later, the mass confrontation was converted into a full-blown party at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie whipped up a whole batch of chimicherrychangas, just enough for everypony, and they were eating together at tables. Agents of the agency, cherry pioneers, and ideology-seeking mares alike.

Even Chief O’Hara of the Celestial Intervention Agency had decided to stop sitting at his desk like a bum and show up to this shindig once Agent Rudolfo explained the situation to him. So now, he was seated next to Cherry Top, attempting to chat her up.

“You know, maybe you and I could go into business together.”

“Thanks bub, but I don’t sell out to anypony,” Cherry Top answered, in the middle of delicately combing her mustache.

“Of course… money would be no object.”

Cherry Top tossed her tiny comb and mirror away. “Now I’m intrigued. Continue.”

“With our military and intelligence resources, and your group’s creative means of invention, what with those cherry bombs of yours and all that,” Cherry Top nodded. “We could become an even greater force, us and you. There is much that I could teach you, and much that we can learn from you lot. What do you say, Miss Top?”

Cherry Top pondered this proposal.

“Well, it would help to have some extra leverage in my eternal quest to defeat my ultimate competition… the Apple family.”

“Hmm?”

She leaned in close and whispered. “That sleazy Applejack is the reason I took up disguising myself as a carrot farmer in the first place. If you want to destroy your enemy, you must think like the enemy.”

“I, uh… like your thinking?”

Cherry Top glared to her left, where Applejack had just taken a bite of her chimicherrychanga and was now assessing the taste, whilst taking a gander at its innards.

“Hmmmm… ehh. Ah still think this could go better with apples,” she concluded with a shrug.

As we cut back to Cherry Top, she was now sharpening a carrot with a nail filer, still glaring at Applejack. Chief O’Hara looked uneasy.

“One of these days, Applejack. Mark my words…” she muttered menacingly.

“So, uh… just to make sure we’re on the same page here…” said the Chief. “That mustache is fake, right?”

From across the room, Pinkie Pie licked her lips in anticipation, her gift to the world bestowed upon her plate, a high reward for the high risk. Taking that first bite would be the equivalent of reaching ultimate majesty, the means to--

“CHERRIES!” shouted Lyra, swiping Pinkie’s chimicherrychanga off of her plate.

“Hey! Give that back!”

With a groan, she slumped over and grabbed another chimicherrychanga off the plate. But even before she could dig into that one--

“Snackie, snackie!” Berryshine said giddily, popping up to steal it.

“Quit it!”

Her frustration building, Pinkie angrily dragged the big plate to her side and grabbed the last Chimicherrychanga off of it. Guarding it with her life like a mama bear, she whipped her head around all sides to look for thieves. Once she was sure that it was safe, she held it up to her mouth and prepared to feast.

“MORE CHERRIES!” Nope, taken by Lyra again.

“URRAAAGGGHHH!”

“Hey, uh, Pinkie Pie?” Somepony tapped her on the shoulder. ‘Twas Rainbow Dash. “I um, saved one especially for you. So… here. Take it.”

Pinkie lovingly accepted the chimicherrychanga from her generous hooves.

“Gee, thanks, Rainbow Dash! You’re the best friend a pony could ever have, well except for a dog, but even then, you’re much better than a dog! A dog probably would’ve just eaten it.”

“Of course! I mean, you’re welcome!” Rainbow’s cheeks were quickly flushing red. “But it--it’s not like I like you or anything! I-- BAKAAAAA!”

She quickly sped away in a flash of rainbow, muttering to herself.

“Stupid sexy Pinkie Pie…”

Pinkie just shrugged. “Well, that was weird.”

Meanwhile to her left, Twilight Sparkle was using her magic to write a letter to the Princess.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, my friends learned all about respecting differences, and how you should never conform yourself to one idea when it makes everypony else uncomfortable and sad, and doesn’t help anything.

Just because a book says that something is wrong or that only one way is right, that doesn’t mean you should take it to heart at the cost of alienating and condemning other ponies for the lifestyles they choose. Sometimes, what you thought of as bad or terrible might not be such a harmful thing after all. We’re all good ponies at heart, and should look at each other for what makes us great on the inside, not on the outside.

Except earth ponies. They’re still scum. Unicorns are master race.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sprinkle Sparkle

“Now, then, did anypony save a Chimicherrychanga for me?” she asked politely. Pinkie Pie handed something to her.

“Here ya go, Twily!”

“Thanks, Pinkie Pi-- wait…” Twilight realized, examining the cherry closely. “This isn’t a Chimicherrychanga! THAT’S A CHERRY BO--”


“Well, Spike, we finally did it. 239 jade emeralds, 164 baby blue sapphires, and 82 topaz stones. Just the number we needed to finish bedazzling that dress! Ohh, Tasha Trinkets will be so impressed with our work!”

Oh, yeah. Forgot these two existed.

“Whatever you say, Rarity,” Spike uttered, struggling to carry the huge baskets of gems on his back. “Personally… I’m starting to get a little sick of hearing about gems right now.”

Spike and Rarity had just finished excavating for gemstones on the mountainside and decided to park themselves momentarily on the hill overlooking Ponyville.

“Ahh, home sweet home! I always love the view of the town from this angle,” Rarity reflected. “I sure hope nothing important happened in Ponyville while we were go--”

-BOOM-

The explosion of a hundred Cherry Bombs rocked the entire valley, and as Rarity and Spike looked down, a gigantic glob of cherry sauce ruptured from inside Sugarcube Corner, and covered the entire town in a thick goop of fruity mush.

A cacophony of screams, panic, and… euphoric delight, erupted throughout the town. A drop of sauce even reached up to the two of them, and hit Spike on the forehead.

“Well… that’s different.” Spike stretched out his tongue to sample the sauce, and smacked his lips. “Hmm, cherry. … Rarity? Are you okay?”

Rarity began rubbing her head, as if some great headache was taking shape in her skull. Gazing at the cherry mess covering Ponyville seemed to be triggering a long suppressed memory.

Chimicherry or cherrychanga? Chimicherry or cherrychanga? Chimicherry or cherrychanga?

Rarity clenched her eyes shut and rattled her brain, trying to get rid of the sound.

“I’m fine, it’s just… looking at that mess is bringing back some sort of a familiar… annoying sound in my head… ohhhhh…”

Pickle barrel kumquat, pickle barrel kumquat, CHIMICHERRYCHANGA!

“Now that I think about it… I never did get revenge on Rainbow Dash for stranding us in Dodge Junction, did I?” Rarity realized, sounding rather winded. She paused and stepped aside to think out loud. She began snickering. “Hmmm, perhaps giving her a kiss on the lips would do it… Yes. Rainbow’s never been one for affection. I bet that would make for a good prank.” She began giggling to herself at the thought. “What could possibly go wrong?”

Spike glanced back and forth between the scheming Rarity and the saucy town below and gave a long sigh. He looked absolutely defeated.

“Everypony in this town is crazy.”


Indeed they are, Spike. Indeed, they are. But it’s not all in forlorn, for our craziness is also what makes us who we are. It’s what allows us to be creative. It inspires ideas, ponies, and groups. Our motivation drives us to succeed, and everypony in the world is unique in their own special ways.

Tomorrow brings another day, another chance to reflect on the past, act in the present, and think towards the future. What will we bring with us to our graves? What legacy do we leave behind? Only time can tell. For some, it’s a simple as an idea, like a chimicherrychanga. Others craft an entire lifestyle, a new way of living, and sometimes even a new sense of identity for themselves.

But whether you’re Carrot Top or Cherry Top, what’s truly important in life is to make the most out of your talents and embrace the ponies around you, for we are all--

“AGENT RUDOLFO! Are you using our covert mission reports and surveillance camera footage to write your stupid, cheesy, poetic stories for that creepy fanfiction website again?”

“N-no, boss! Just… doing some paperwork. Boring, dumb ol’ paperwork… Heh-heh, heh…”

“Good! Because I’m getting sick of all the complaints from witnesses about how you exaggerate them as characters and make up a lot of details and weird quirks that don’t make any sense! So, just carry on with that paperwork.”

Tch. What a bum. Now, where was I? Ahh, yes.

And so we come to the end of our tale. Thank you for reading, and hopefully you have become more enlightened. Stay tuned for the exciting sequel, Cherry Bomb 2: Electric Scootaloo, where the handsome, dashing Agent Rudolfo Ramirez goes rogue on his agency, uncovers a dangerous conspiracy that threatens all of Equestria, kicks the tar out of his evil, abusive boss… and then has some “toola-roola” with the boss’s sister. Chikka-chikka yeah.

Author's Note:

Ready for the ultimate irony? I hate cherries.

Comments ( 13 )

Yes. Jokes gold. Execution perfect. Done exactly right. You, my friend, have a talent for writing.

:pinkiehappy: What a crazy story! I'll bet it drove you crazy when it popped into your head, and wouldn't leave you alone until you wrote it down! :pinkiecrazy:
Some of the humor wasn't my normal cup of tea, but I thoroughly enjoyed this story!

Well, that was delightfully insane!

“Now that I think about it… I never did get revenge on Rainbow Dash for stranding us in Dodge Junction, did I?” Rarity realized,

I still maintain that Rarity's grudge against Rainbow, while an amusing end scene to that episode, was entirely misplaced. After all, that horse cart chase through the desert couldn't have taken them more than a mile or two out of Dodge Junction. It's entirely plausible that instead of traveling by handcart on a railroad track that trains are probably running on, Rarity and Pinkie Pie could have simply walked back into town, taken the next train out, and gotten back to Ponyville that same afternoon... which in hindsight is probably exactly what their four friends did.

Even then, Rainbow Dash isn't entirely responsible for leaving Rarity stranded. Remember that there were two pegasi pulling that horse cart, and four friends who forgot to rendezvous with Rarity and Pinkie on the way back to Ponyville. Not to mention Pinkie Pie, who tackled Rarity out of the cart in the first place, Applejack, who started the chase through the desert, and Twilight, who... you know what? Screw her; she's a unicorn supremacist anyway.

“Hmmmm… ehh. Ah still think this could go better with apples,” she concluded with a shrug.

Applejack, if you want to spend the next few weeks of your life in a kitchen/laboratory inventing the chimi-apple-changa, be my guest. As for me, fuck this shit. I'm out.

This was all extremely silly. In the best possible way, of course.

Also:

"""friends"""

There's no reason this should be as funny as it is. I'm giggling like an idiot over a joke about puctuation here.

Nice job. The unreliable narrator was fun and I'm amazed how you managed to connect cherries and gay marriage and somehow make it work.

4604505
Indeed it was. Not sure how the hell I missed that. Thanks for pointing it out.

4604857
Rarity just doesn't like Rainbow Dash, and has been searching for an excuse to hate her for years. Too bad she wasn't around to see the jousting tournament in The Crystal Empire.

This was absolutely preposterous, and I found it consummately amusing. It was like reading Blueshift without it being Blueshift. All these ridiculous threads that build on each other (and Applejack crashes in with at tank of all things)! Liked and Favored.

Much enjoyment was had! As always, I'm looking forward to more from you!

Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!

“If you don’t like the food, I’ll have to bake you into cupcakes!”

right :pinkiecrazy:
Friend you have a natural talent for these stories compliments , I loved so much the joke final
:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
p.gr-assets.com/540x540/fit/hostedimages/1406879789/10611400.gif

5239756
Thank you very much! :twilightsmile:

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