Flim, Flam and the Master Plan

by Broken Kindle

Brother of Mine

Two year old Flam followed his father through the corridors of Trottingham hospital, his ears pressed back against his head. There were lots of strange ponies in white coats and hats and masks, and the walls held no colour to distract him from the fear of getting lost. He whimpered,

“Daddy...”

“It’s okay, buddy.” Rip Deal reassured his son as they stepped through another door, “We’re nearly there.” The corridor they entered was painted brightly with children’s murals. Flam’s ears began to perk up uncertainly, “See?” His father said with a soft smile as he stopped at a door painted with bunnies, “This is Mommy’s room right here.”

“Mommy’s in there?”

“That’s right, and she has someone very special with her who’s waiting to meet you.” Rip pushed open the door and gestured for his son to enter. Flam looked up at the older unicorn, “Go on in, bud.” The foal poked his head round the door, his eyes lighting up at the sight of his mother lying in the bed beyond it,

“Mommy!” The young unicorn trotted to Thai Gem’s bedside with a smile on his face,

“Hey there, sweetie.” She said, smiling at him tiredly, “There’s someone very special here who’s been waiting to meet you.” Flam cocked his head, looking from his mother to his father and back again. Thai laughed lightly and her son noticed the bundle in her forelegs for the first time. He put his front hooves on the bed and craned his neck to try to get a better look. He let out a small squeal as Rip Deal used his magic to lift him up. Tilting the bundle towards him slightly Gem revealed the tiny foal swaddled inside, “Flam, say hello to Flim, your baby brother.”

“Hello.” Said Flam softly.

Within a week Flam had decided he didn’t like his baby brother. Flim always got the attention from their parents, and when he wasn’t getting the attention neither Rip Deal nor Thai Gem had the energy to play with Flam. At one point Rip had agreed to play a game of Don’t Wake Daddy, but had, ironically, fallen asleep before either pony could make a move. His dislike of Flim was only furthered when family friends, who had until now doted on him, fell victim to the charms of the little foal. Flam felt like the blue sky after a rain storm, outshined by a rainbow and left in the corner of everypony’s vision.

“Flam, sweetie?” Thai Gem approached him one afternoon as he read a young foal’s edition of Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone,

“Go ‘way.” Flam said, pulling the book further up in front of his face,

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“You don’ love me no more.” He felt tears welling in his eyes and pulled the book closer still, until his nose was almost touching the pages,

“What in the wide world of Equestria gave you that idea?” Gem said as she lay down in front of her son and gently pried the copy of Daring Do from his grasp,

“Y-you an’ – an’ Daddy only spen’ time with Flim.” His mother’s features softened and she pulled the younger unicorn into a hug,

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, sweetheart.” She said soothingly as she rocked him, “I’m sorry, baby.”

“Why don’ you love me?” Gem floated a hoofkerchief over and dabbed Flam’s eyes with it gently,

“Oh, sweetie, I do love you. Me and your Daddy, we both love you very much, but Flim’s just a little baby and he can’t look after himself yet. But you, you’re a big colt now, aren’t you?” He sniffled and nodded, “And you know how to look after yourself, don’t you?” The young unicorn nodded again,

“Y-yeah.”

“You see, sweetie? Your Daddy and I, we trust you to look after yourself, and we know that you can do a good job. Okay?”

“’kay.” She smiled,

“Good. Now, I’m going to make you a deal. I promise that your Daddy and I will spend more time with you, but I need you to promise me something too.” Flam nodded, “I need you to promise that you’ll be a good big brother and look out for Flim. You think you can do that for me, my little stallion?” He smiled,

“Yeah. Promise.” Gem chucked his chin with a hoof,

“That’s my little stallion. Now what do you say we play a game of Battleclouds?” Flam grinned,

“I’m gonna beat you!” He said, galloping off to find the game box,

“Are you now?”

“Yeah!”

Author's Note:

Another chapter. I'm trying to work my way chronologically through Flim and Flam's lives without going over the top, but I'm not sure how well that's going to go xD; Rip Deal and Thai Gem took me a little while to name, but when I did name them it felt great. It's also nice to work from head canon rather than show canon for once.

Also, E-cupcakes for everypony who can guess where the names for Flim and Flam's parents came from (without Googling!).

Comments

[Cadabra]

I find it great that you are tackling these characters. It already feels like a challenge that will really pay off nicely. Keep up the great work!

[Broken Kindle]

3157525: Thank you so much, I really appreciate the kind comment. I certainly hope that the challenge will pay off, I've kind of grown attached to these two already and I want to be able to do them justice. Thanks again for taking the time to comment :)

[Casca]

and the walls held no colour to distract him from the fear of getting lost. He whimpered,

"He whimpered" is redundant

“It’s okay, buddy.” Rip Deal reassured his son as they stepped through another door, “We’re nearly there.” The corridor they entered was painted brightly will children’s murals. Flam’s ears began to perk up uncertainly, “See?” His father said with a soft smile as he stopped at a door painted with bunnies, “This is Mommy’s room right here.”

Dialogue is punctuated wrongly, both here and in most of the rest of it. Refer:

"Dialogue ends with a comma," said the speaker, "unless the next sentence is a new one, in which case you have a full." He stopped and checked before nodding to himself. "Ah, also - commas are for 'speaking verbs' only." He paused to find an example. "Adjectives? Nope. Nouns? Nope. Like this," he added, "though, stuff like 'said' or 'whispered' are fine. Ah, and lastly, Ezn's guide explains it all."

Now, as for the story itself: there's not much of it. It's a pity, because it's competantly written. Nothing too fancy, but sufficient to get the meaning across. There's hints of a good style waiting to develop in here, in that you don't spell everything out, with

“You don’ love me no more.” He felt tears welling in his eyes and pulled the book closer still, until his nose was almost touching the pages

being a nice example of using body language to good effect rather than adjectives. Why you've decided to start this with Flam's life story confuzzles me a bit; I'm sure you could take events later down the road to establish them solidly while starting closer to the ending, thereby reducing fluff and giving your words more weight. The prologue is functional, which is more than can be said for a lot of those out there; it sets up the situation fairly well, though again, short, stumpy chapters lack the feeling of substance.

But even so, this is better than the 10+ stories I sifted through to get here, and I do think it's got the makings of something nice if you'd flesh out your chapters more. You've chosen interesting characters to play with, and the theme of brotherhood is always memorable when handled well. Keep writing.

I comment on stories I've finished. It'd be really appreciated if you returned the favour - not necessarily to me, though that'd be swell, but to any others you read.

[Broken Kindle]

3159317 Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it. I realise my writing isn't the best it could be right now and I appreciate any help I can get..
Thanks for taking the time to comment.

[Shim15]

Love this. Ever so rarely do you find a decent FlimFlam story. Keep up the good work ^.^

[Broken Kindle]

3159731 Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. Yeah, Flim and Flam are probably two of the lesser appreciated ponies in the fandom, but after drawing them I realised they'd actually be pretty interesting to work with (especially when my head started coming up with head canon).
Thanks for taking the time to comment :)