Life in Equestria is at its peak of tranquility, but how long will this peace last. Darkness once again borders on the edges of existence, and when the Elements of Harmony are destroyed who will be able to save them from the Apocalypse to come? Will peace return...or will the Reign of Fire take hold over all.
Von- Credit to ToyaOctaviusDiscord
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Looks pretty good so far. Seems to be getting some bad rep relatively quickly. Most likely because people don't like canon getting involved with OCs in any way. You know, blah blah typical shit blah blah
Honestly, I don't really understand why people would care. OCs add spice to a story in my opinion.
3193797 idk. it's just how the community is. They see OCs with canon and they're like "oh god. This guy must be pairing an OC with a main character or having an OC be a very important part to the main storyline. This sucks" it both annoys me and disgusts me seeing the community like this. Which is why i carry a none-caring attitude when it comes to my stories
So... the first chapter. You need to fix the line breaks. It would probably go a long way to getting people to give the story a chance.
Additionally, you spoiled the protagonist / antagonist for us in the description. It would be a lot more fun, and shocking, to discover that on our own in the story proper.
Aside from that I can only say... it's moving a bit fast.
3474830 Thanks for the feedback. :) Fixed the line issues in the first chapter (They were mainly there because i was rushing and forgot to edit that.)
Also removed the protagonist/antagonist part.
Personally,i thought i was going a little too slow. i appreciate the feedback and hopefully i will be able to put it to use
Well it's starting to improve. But I may have to help you a little here and there
3604549
Im open to whatever you think could improve the story :)
3612737 Well for one, if you're gonna involve humans then add the human tag and actually add in some traces of human activity or human characters in general. If you're not using humans, then don't involve anything human related. Secondly, Von does not have any connections to anyone in the Mane 6 at all. Maybe Pinkie, but that's only because he goes to Sugarcube Corner alot to grab some snacks. Next, Von's appearance. He has two dragon legs in front and pony legs in back but his body is more draconic as seen here. Next, you need to expand a little more on the story. More detail, more exposition and you need to improve on your grammar as well. And a little backstory on how this all started in the first place would be greatly appreciated.
3613664
I won't be using humans in this story; they will probably only be mentioned throughout the story. I also will be adding more of a backstory next chapter.
I'll edit the way Von looks now.
Thanks for the feedback
3613991 If humans are being used in the story, why mention them altogether? Also, it might be good to clarify, in the description, where this takes place in terms of the seasons. If this is an alt. universe, then use the appropriate tag. Proper usage+good story writing+ingenious plotline=good ratings