Minty Fresh!

"Alright Derpy, you're all done! Remember to floss to keep those pearly whites clean, okay?"

"Okay!" The Pegasus smiled cheerfully.

Colgate set her tools back into their places and helped Derpy out of the chair. A small hint of peppermint was present in the room. Colgate's posters of animals and family members making the office a more welcoming place to be in. Derpy stood up and stretched her wings, before smiling at Colgate and leaving the room.

Colgate followed and sat behind the front desk, handing Derpy a lollipop.

"Thanks!" She popped it in her mouth and gave a big, toothy smile.

"Bye!"

The two waved goodbye, and Derpy left the building with a small ding above the doorway.

Colgate smiled and started stacking and putting away papers. She turned off all the lights in the clinic and grabbed her saddlebags.

"That should do it for today!"

She left the building and locked it behind her, where she proceeded to walk through the dark, empty streets of Ponyville. Colgate liked seeing the town at night, and helping ponies with their teeth was very enjoyable to her aswell. It was a plus plus tonight. She took in the sights of the town as she whistled her way back to her house. Something was bothering her for some reason though. She stopped and thought about it, but quickly let the matter drop as she walked.

A long walk later, she arrived at her home and unlocked the door, her house having the only light on in her neighborhood. She hung her saddlebags, brushed her teeth and took a quick shower before plopping onto her bed. She pulled the covers up to her and snuggled herself into them as she looked at the moon hanging over Ponyville through her window. She took in the final view of Ponyville before yawning and closing her eyes.

Colgate turned to her side and dug herself under her covers. She turned again. And again. Again. She was unsure why she couldn't sleep. She was comfy, the room was the perfect temperature, and she was exhausted. She yawned again and struggled under the covers, before she threw them off of her and stared at the ceiling. Something was bugging her. She sighed and tried to remember her day, and what might've frustrated her. Basically the only frustrating thing was Zecora, because of her stupid rhyming and unclear answers; that wasn't it, though, and whatever it was was depriving Colgate of much needed sleep very quickly.

Then her mind stopped on one thing: Derpy. She thought back to her visit but could only focus on when she left. The scene played out in her mind constantly.

("Bye!")

It wasn't until she finally noticed it. There was something stuck in Derpy's teeth; Right in the middle of her two front teeth. She felt relieved it was such a small thing, but her inner dentist couldn't allow something like that to happen. She had to take action.

+++++

Colgate got into her ninja suit she wore for Nightmare Night last year and added a bandolier of toothbrushes, complete with toothpaste and mouth wash hooked onto her left side. She attached a spool of floss on her right side and pulled the mask over her muzzle.

"Looks like someone didn't floss."

+++++

Colgate stopped in front of the house and gave it a look. Yup, this was Derpy's house alright. If the sign in front saying, 'Home is like a basket of muffins.' wasn't enough, there was also the sound of her snoring in her room. She climbed up onto the windowsill and saw her, sprawled out on her bed smiling.

"I got you now!"

She pulled the window open, until something buzzed near her ear. She swiped at it and hit its nest instead.

"GAHH! WASPS!"

She frantically struggled a bit before falling into the bushes below, covered in stings.

+++++

"Alright. Round two."

She walked over to the other side and began opened the window. She looked around the room cautiously before climbing in. She started walking silently across the room, until she slipped on a toy car. The toy smashed into the wall and created a large cracking sound for all to hear. The figure in the bed jumped out and Dinky faced Colgate, posed in a fighting stance.

"Oh, hi Dinky. I-I can explain-"

"Silence! Friend or foe, you broke into our family's residence! Now you must be punished!"

"P-punished?! What?!-"

Before she could finish, Dinky charged at Colgate and roundhouse kicked her out the window with a thud.

Dinky set her hooves on the windowsill and glared at her.

"Zhè jiùshì wèishéme nǐ cónglái méiyǒu luàn yòng yītiáo hēisè de dàizi!"
("That's why you never mess with a black belt!") She shouted before slamming the window.

Colgate winced in pain and sighed.

"Maybe I should've tried a simpler approach."

She stood up from the bushes and brushed herself off. She walked over to the front of the house and stared at it before walking back to her house in defeat. She stood up all night, unable to sleep. The next morning, she went into her clinic and sat behind the desk. Derpy walked in a bit later and gave Colgate a confused and very worried look.

"What happened to you?!" she cried.

Colgate huffed and threw a small container of floss at her.

"Just remember to floss next time."

"Uh, okay? But that still doesn't-"

"Save it. Let's just reschedule your (evil) daughter's appointment.

Derpy stood looking at Colgate, then left the building to meet the filly in question, who glared at Colgate.

"Rúguǒ nǐ shìtú túpò, nǐ huì gǎndào zhēnzhèng de tòngkǔ, wǒ de tízi."
("If you attempt another break-in, you will feel true suffering by my hoof." Dinky whispered loud enough for her to hear.

Colgate gulped.

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heirofaniu

heirofaniu #1 · Sep 5th, 2013 · 2 · ·

I liked it. Short, sweet, and actually pretty funny. A little rushed, but it was still enjoyable.

I did have a couple of problems with your writing style though. My main problem was that you almost never had any variation in sentence lengths, almost all of your sentences seemed to be about seven words long and it made the story difficult to read, my inner voice sounded like it was stuttering.

My second issue was sentence structure. It seems almost as if the only way you ever started your sentences was with the word "she". I think some variations in the sentence structure and length, even small changes with the phrasing of things, would go a long ways towards helping with the "stuttering" issue I have.

Like I said earlier. Overall It was fine, I just had some small issues with it.

meerkat8472