Interview with a Pony
Main Characters: TWP, Lucas, Twilight, Luna/Selene, Droll, Angel Bunny, Snails
Cameos: Diamond Crystal
Original Write Date: 10/16/2011
The Power Block, Ponyville’s lone video game store, is once again closed, but for a very important reason. The Wandering Physicist, the store’s owner and lone operator, is looking for an assistant. After weeding out a number of applications, the remaining applicants are gathered in the store for the final interview.
The Wandering Physicist looks out over the dozen applicants in his shop, two of which are pretty conspicuous. Twilight Sparkle, the town’s librarian and princess, is sitting by the counter waiting for her turn. Also, Selene, secretly Princess Luna, is attracting a lot of attention to herself due to her impressive presence. Another interesting applicant is Snails, a young unicorn colt, who does not seem to be all there. He is currently conversing with Droll Tale, the brother of the local indie/used/self-published bookstore owner. There are also a few more young ponies and a couple older ones. A younger, light gray unicorn colt with a brown mane called Lucas Grainbourough is looking very nervous. The most unusual applicant is a small rabbit, Fluttershy’s rabbit friend Angel Bunny. He is currently looking annoyed at another applicant he is playing a handheld game against.
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘All right. First applicant, you’re up.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question 1: What is your favorite game?
Snails:
‘In Sonic, you go really fast!’
Droll:
‘FarmVille is the greatest game ever made. ... Forever.’
Angel:
Angel mimes shooting a gun.
‘Halo?’
Angel shakes his head and mimes again.
‘Call of Cutie?’
Angel stomps his foot and mimes once more.
‘Gears?’
Angel shakes his head ‘yes’ and sits down in a huff.
Lucas:
‘I know it is weird, but I love Touhorse.’
Selene:
‘I’ve been playing a lot of Sins of a Solar Empire a lot recently. For some reason, that game really speaks to me.’
‘Really.’ The Wandering Physicist says, heavy on the sarcasm.
Luna glares. ‘Majora’s Mask is pretty cool too.’
Twilight:
‘Wow. Tough question. You introduced me to Legend of Celestia first, but the Mare-io series is great too...’ Twilight taps her hoof on her chin while she thinks. ‘Well, to be perfectly honest, I have been really enjoying the Uncharted games recently.’
Question 2: Who is your favorite character?
Snails:
‘I like Yoshi. He’s pretty.’
Droll:
‘Tingle! Kooloo Limpah!’
Angel:
Angel motions with his paws.
‘Cream the Rabbit?’
Angel facepaws and gestures again.
‘Namingway?’
Angel shakes his head and tries doing an imitation of the character.
‘Peppy Hare?’
Angel glares and points to a nearby game.
‘Oh! Marcus Fenix. Why didn’t you say so?’
Angel’s glare intensifies.
Lucas:
‘I hate that question.’
‘Why is that?’
‘Well, everyone assumes it is one of the two characters they think I was named after. Just because I have a video gamey sounding name and a cutie mark of Final Fantasy crystal, they think I was born to play video games.’
‘That’s what it means in my case. Besides, I just want to know your favorite character. It doesn’t matter who it is.’
‘Oh. Right. Sorry. I’m a big fan of Ayla from Chrono Trigger.’
‘Cavemare all in furs, eh?’
‘Yeah... I mean!’
The Wandering Physicist laughs.
Selene:
‘For some reason, I really relate to the Golbez character in the Final Fantasy IV games.’
The Wandering Physicist tries really hard not to comment.
Twilight:
‘I think Gordon Freepony is pretty cool.’
‘Hmm. That is an interesting choice.’
Twilight blushes. ‘I like a good physicist.’
The Wandering Physicist blushes too.
Question 3: What is your favorite type of game?
Snails:
‘I like 3D platformers.’
Droll:
‘Rhythm games!’ Droll gets up and starts dancing.
Angel:
Angel clearly mimes First Person Shooters.
Lucas:
‘My friends tease me for it, but I like NRPGs. I just think they make RPGs more fun and colorful in Neighpon.’
Selene:
‘Sandbox crime is fun. It feels good to play the villain sometimes.’
The Wandering Physicist just nods.
‘Final Fantasy games are good too since you always play as a persecuted youth fighting against an ancient, evil empire.’
‘Huh. I never noticed that.’ The Wandering Physicist once again says with a thick layer of sarcasm.
Twilight:
‘RTS. They are so fun to organize everything.’ Twilight giggles.
Question 4: What is your favorite type of food?
Snails:
‘I like PopTarts!’
Droll:
‘Are you asking me out?’
‘Yes,’ The Wandering Physicist replies angrily. ‘We’re going to have cupcakes!’
Angel:
Angel mimes carrots.
‘Ah! Long pointies. Very tasty.’
Angel starts developing an eye twitch.
Lucas:
‘I don’t know. I am really eclectic. I am usually game for anything.’
Selene:
Luna blushes. ‘Are you asking me out?’
The Wandering Physicist blushes. ‘What? I just want to, uh, know in case it comes up.’
‘Oh. Well. I like Istallion.’ Luna winks. ‘You know, the food of romance.’
The Wandering Physicist quickly looks around for a possible escape route if she tries jumping him.
Twilight:
Twilight blushes. ‘Are you asking me out?’
The Wandering Physicist blushes. ‘What? I just want to, uh, know in case it comes up.’
‘Oh. Well. I would be happy with whatever you like.’
The Wandering Physicist blushes more and tries hiding behind his notebook.
Question 5: What do you think of the video game industry?
Snails:
‘They make games.’
The Wandering Physicist waits for Snails to possibly finish, but the young colt just scratches his nose. The stallion sighs.
Droll:
‘They come into your house at night and steel your teeth.’
The Wandering Physicist rubs his temples. ‘What do they want with your teeth?’
‘No, no. They don’t take them. They cover them in metal, thus steeling them.’
The Wandering Physicist lets out a loud moan.
Angel:
Angel does a number of complicated arm movements, then gets his whole body involved with backflips and even sparklers. He ends in a complicated pose.
‘Well, I don’t care what you say, ActiBlizzard is still a dick company.’
Angel’s jaw drops. He jumps down from his chair, kicks the door open, and stomps out.
The Wandering Physicist gives chase.
‘What? I diss a company you like and you march off in a huff? Come on!’
Angel stomps out of the store and makes a gesture that would have had more impact if he had fingers.
‘Damn it! I lost my front runner.’ The Wandering Physicist turns back to the rest of the applicants. ‘Next!’
Lucas:
‘Yeah... I am a huge Neighponese game fan so I am not the right person to ask about this... Oh wait! I think DRM policies are a joke. They cause more piracy than they prevent and make sharing games with friends a pain. Stupid DRM.’
Selene:
‘We need more indie developers to crush the established companies and bring the industry back to innovating and put more unique games on the market. They would be able to drive down prices, level the playing field, increase competition, unite the lands, efficiently devise a simpler, fairer tax plan, end the reign of spoiled nobles, bring peace with our neighbors, and rule over night and day justly!’
Luna ends with a grand flourish, complete with patriotic music being subtly played from nowhere. The Wandering Physicist stares back in shock. Luna catches herself, looks away and looks ashamed.
‘I mean, go indie developers. Whoo.’
Twilight:
‘Oh! I read a book on this!’
‘Dear Sagan.’ The Wandering Physicist groans to himself.
Twilight clears her throat. ‘The gaming industry is represented truly by three real prime players: the Neighponese developers, the Equestria Proper developers and the independent developers. There are also developers in other places like Canidia, but they are too similar to the two major entities, the Neighponese or Equestrians, to be counted separately. The two major entities have a major battle between them where both see their style of game making as the “right” way and the other as being somehow wrong. The critics seem to buy into that philosophy and both sides of the debate fail to realize that they are making games for their people and not necessarily for everyone. Only Neightendo seems to want to make games universally fun. On the other hand, the indie developers are always coming out with new and innovative games. Even if their core concept is not original, the stories and gameplay are extremely fun. Not to mention that it gives innovators a chance to share their creative talents, even if it is not a lucrative field.’
The Wandering Physicist snorts and jolts up. ‘I’m awake!’ Twilight glares deeply at him. ‘Oh come on! What is your opinion and not just what you read in a book or on Kotaku.’
‘Hmph! Fine. The console and PC gaming market are basically the same thing only with more freedom and customization on the PC. The handheld market is getting a threat from the mobile market, but let’s be honest, mobiles are not gaming platforms.’ Twilight turns her nose up. ‘Happy?’
‘Very. That was more what I wanted.’
Question 6: If I were to wear a hat, what kind would I wear?
Snails:
‘Fezzes are cooool.’
Droll:
‘One of those big fruit hats. Yummy.’
Lucas:
‘I don’t know. Ball cap maybe?’
Selene:
‘I like you without a hat.’ Luna winks.
Twilight:
‘That... is more of a question Rarity is best suited to answer. Sorry.’
Question 7: How many lights do you see?
Snails:
‘There are FOUR lights!’
Droll:
‘Five. Definitely five lights.’
Lucas:
‘Trick question. There are none directly in front of me.’
Selene:
Luna just smiles coyly, gets up, and turns off the room’s light. After a few seconds, there is a loud crash. A whirring sound is heard and the lights turn on. The Wandering Physicist is pinned to his desk by Luna.
‘I preferred off.’ Luna winks.
‘Eep!’
Twilight:
Twilight looks around the room and counts. ‘There are exactly two. Both CFLs.’
Question 8: Pepsi or Coke?
Snails:
‘Uh..... I like Crystal Pepsi.’
Droll:
‘Root beer!’
The Wandering Physicist resists killing Droll using happy thoughts of a Thomas Kemper.
Lucas:
‘Cherry Pepsi is the best.’
Selene:
Luna gets a wicked look on her face. She uses a spell to materialize a Brony Cola out of nowhere. She shakes it up and sprays it all over her. The Wandering Physicist falls out of his seat.
Twilight:
‘I enjoy a good Brony Cola on occasion.’
The Wandering Physicist turns bright red.
Question 9: How do you make a pocket-sized dimensional shifter out of a fused quantum regulator, two strands of dark matter tape, a neutronium shell fragment, and a paper clip?
Snails:
‘You use the dark matter tape to attach the neutronium to the regulator’s positron induction intake and use the paper clip to manually adjust the EM flux gate.’
The Wandering Physicist stares at Snails. He then checks a notebook, looks up at Snails, and back to the notebook. ‘If you can tell me how you knew that, the job is yours.’
‘Knew what?’
The Wandering Physicist facehoofs and points to the door.
Droll:
‘Pizza rolls,’ Droll says in a deadly serious face.
Lucas:
‘Build a what with a who?’
Selene:
‘Oh! That is a Minecraft thing, right?’
Twilight:
Twilight pulls a dictionary out of her pack. ‘I know you made half of those words up just now.’
Question 10: If you get this position, how likely are you to kill me and usurp my title?
Droll:
‘I already did.’
‘Then how am I still alive, genius?’
‘Because you’re a hologram.’
The Wandering Physicist facehooves. ‘Really? How can you tell?’
‘Because I am a hologram too.’
‘Sooo... If I beat you with a baseball bat, you won’t actually get hurt?’
The Wandering Physicist picks up a baseball bat.
‘Uh...’
Droll runs out of the room before The Wandering Physicist can catch him.
‘Stop him! He must die!’
Droll escapes the shop before anypony can react. The Wandering Physicist follows him out of the door.
‘I’ll get you yet!’
‘No you won’t,’ Diamond Crystal, one of the owners of the comic shop next door, says as she comes out of her shop with a package. ‘We have all tried.’
‘I know, but he expects us to say it.’
Both store owners sigh and return to what they were doing.
Lucas:
‘If I strike you down, you will no doubt come back stronger than before.’
Selene:
‘It wouldn’t be the first time I tried something like that.’ Luna laughs evilly.
The Wandering Physicist cowers under his desk.
‘I am joking!’
Twilight:
‘What? Why would I want to do that? I would never do that!’
‘Are you willing to take an oath to that?’
‘I’ll do you one better. I’ll Pinkie Pie Swear.’ Twilight clears her throat. She mimes the actions as she says them. ‘Cross my heart, hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my... Ah!’ She screams as she accidentally shoves a hoof into her eye.
‘Are you okay!’
Twilight rubs her face. ‘I’m fine. It is not like that is the first time that happened...’
Question 11: If you were trapped on the moon for one thousand years, what three games would you take with you?
Lucas:
Lucas thinks. ‘Hmm... Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy VI and Super Mare-io World.’
The Wandering Physicist stares at Lucas. ‘I want to have your foals.’
Lucas looks around nervously and shifts in his seat.
Selene:
‘I hate you so much right now.’
The Wandering Physicist laughs evilly.
Twilight:
‘Hmm... That would be a good question for Luna...’
The Wandering Physicist laughs evilly while Twilight thinks.
‘I don’t know. Command and Conquer, for one. Maybe Tales of Symphonia. I really like Presea’s voice actress for some reason.’ Twilight thinks some more and gets a crafty grin.
‘Steam does not count as a game.’
‘What the f...’
Question 12: What is your opinion on used games?
Lucas:
‘They are a necessary evil. The gamer doesn’t want to always pay full price for an old game that may not have a Platinum addition yet. The publishers’ way of dealing with the problem has been offensive to the player. If there were more of a focus on digital distribution or cloud gaming, then the used game market might not be that dangerous of an issue for publishers and developers.’
Selene:
‘I’m chill with them... if it is a big publisher or big developer or an older system. You don’t want to hurt the smaller weaker, little sister developers and keep them from taking their rightful place as equals.’
The Wandering Physicist pauses. ‘Have you tried talking to your sister about all of your unresolved feelings?’
Luna looks ashamed. ‘I can’t go near her without her offering me a banana...’
‘Do I even want to know what that means?’
Luna shakes her head and a single tear falls.
Twilight:
‘Hmm... While they are good for the consumer, the sell does not help the developer or publisher. That might cause them to add content that is only available at sell time or single-use codes that would discourage players from buying used.’
‘You’ve been reading my blog, haven’t you?’
‘You gave me a modded Wii with all of the Legend of Celestia games preloaded. How is that not supporting the used game industry?’
‘How much did I charge you?’
Twilight pauses. ‘Well, um, you di...’ She sits back in a huff. ‘Shut up.’
~~~~~~~~
At the end of the interview, Luna sits in her seat smiling. She is still dripping a little from her stunt earlier. The Wandering Physicist goes over his notes.
‘Soo... Is that the last question?’
‘Well, I do have one more...’ The Wandering Physicist looks up. Luna beams at him. ‘Did you really think you could pull this off?’
Luna is a little shocked. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Luna. Come on. Do you really think you can pretend to be a normal pegasus working in a shop and still guard the night and keep this whole thing a secret from your sister?’
‘Well, I, um...’
‘You and I both know that the only person less subtle than her is sitting across from you. Would you really want her popping in to visit you at work?’
‘I never thought about that.’
‘Not to mention that Twilight, Derpy and many others in this town are quite clever, and you run a chance of them seeing through your disguise.’
Luna sighs. ‘You’re right.’
‘That doesn’t mean you still can’t visit as often as you normally do.’
Luna smiles again.’ That’s right!’ There is a pause between them. ‘Plus, I have to help you get sturdier furniture.’ Luna winks.
‘Eep.’
Twilight shifts in her seat nervously. She had not been interviewed since she got into Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, and she felt like this interview went just as well, only with no Sonic Rainboom to save the day. To make matters worse, the seat and floor around her are very sticky, like they were soaked in soda recently. The Wandering Physicist looks up from his notes. He opens his mouth to talk.
‘Please don’t ban me from the store forever! I didn’t meant to offend you! Please don’t hate me!’ Twilight drops to the ground and begs.
‘Uh... Do you really want to get sticky? ... Sorry.’ That didn’t come out right... Don’t think ‘That’s what she said.’
‘Oh. Sorry. Heh, heh.’ Twilight pulls herself from the ground and grimaces as her hind legs are now sticky.
‘Anyway. I have but one last important question for you...’
Oh no. Oh no! OH NO!
‘Do you...’
Okay. So far so good.
‘really think that...’
Oh no! I answered something wrong!
‘this is the right move for you?’
S#!T! He doesn’t like me anymore! Twilight bursts out crying, seemingly for no reason. ‘My life is ruined! I can’t believe I have been so dumb and naive! Stupid Twilight! Now, you’re going to end up crazy and alone and surrounded by cats!’
‘Uh....’
‘I should just borrow those comics Rarity keeps trying to loan me and get it over with!’
This time, The Wandering Physicist is the one that screams. He screams loud enough to get Twilight to stop her sobbing and make the remaining applicants outside question whether or not they really want the job.
‘Twilight, you know what that word means, right?’
‘You mean ya...’
‘Never! Say! It! Again! And if you even so much as touch one of those comics, I will make whatever misguided fantasy you were just in happen for real. Got it?’
Twilight nods, no longer sad but a little scared.
‘Now, as I was trying to ask, do you think it is really a good idea for you to do this now? Do you really think it is a good move to give up your role as a princess and come work in some dingy shop just ‘cause you like a guy?’
‘I never thought about that...’
‘It is very nice to know that you are willing to join me on this crazy adventure, but I don’t want you to give up on your original dreams just because you think it would be fun to work in game shop. I am certain you have a better destiny out there. I will always be there for you no matter what, but I don’t think you are the right person to run this shop at this time.’ The Wandering Physicist closes his notebook as he finishes reading a small script he wrote inside of it. She is so going to see through me...
Twilight thinks about what was just said to her. After much careful consideration, more consideration than The Wandering Physicist would have liked if he expected to survive, Twilight gets a very happy (or in The Wandering Physicist’s interpretation a very I-am-going-to-kill-you-because-I-am-a-woman-and-that-is-what-we-do) smile.
‘Okie Doki... uh... Loki!’ Twilight says, channeling Pinkie Pie.
The alicorn hops out of the seat, getting her hooves sticky. She grumbles and casts a spell to desticky herself. She walks over to The Wandering Physicist.
‘You are a great friend for thinking of me and reminding me of why I am here. Thank you!’
Twilight leans in and kisses The Wandering Physicist on the cheek, but he is so nervous that he falls from the chair.
‘You know, you really need some sturdier furniture. Maybe I can help you find some!’
The Wandering Physicist falls again as he tries getting back up.
The day has been long. The Wandering Physicist is tired from all of the interviews. Lucas is tired from all of the waiting. He is also scared and confused since the floor is very sticky and wet from soda and tears. The interview is over, and both ponies are ready to call it a day. The Wandering Physicist collects his notes and sets them on the desk. He leans back in his chair, which gives a creak from all of the stress put on it this past day.
‘Sounds like you need a stronger chair.’
The Wandering Physicist groans. Lucas starts leaving.
‘So, uh, you’ll be in contact with us?’
The Wandering Physicist moans.
‘Okay...’
Lucas steps out of the office.
‘Yo. Lucas.’
Lucas turns back. ‘Yes?’
‘You hungry? I know a great Neighponese place. My treat.’
‘Uh... Sure?’
Back at The Power Block, The Wandering Physicist and Lucas are playing games in his lounge. Both are sporting full bellies.
‘Sir, once again, thanks for the great meal. It was amazing.’
‘Yeah. Soba is a lot better fresh like that. Same with most foods, actually.’
‘And how we got there...’
‘That will be one of the things we cover at orientation tomorrow morning.’
‘What?’
‘Trying to tell you that you’re in. You got the job.’
‘Sweet! I promise you I’ll do a great job!’
‘You better after I tell you what all of your duties will entail.’
Lucas groans. ‘Ugh. Right.’ There is a pause. ‘Morning, huh?’
‘Yeah. I think we’ll start early, like around noon or so.’
‘Wait. What?’
‘Too early? We can bump it to noon-thirty if that is better.’
‘Uh... No, noon is fine.’
‘Great! PS: You just got pwned.’
There is an explosion on screen. Lucas moans and redoubles his playing efforts. The Wandering Physicist smirks and wonders what the future will hold with his new apprentice.
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Also, I shall answer the questions.
Favourite game: Portal, obviously.
Favourite character: GLaDOS
Favourite type of game: Not sure.
Favourite type of food: Bacon. All bacon, all the time.
What do you think of the video game industry: That's a pretty big question. I'm gonna have to go with the same answer as Snails. They make games.
Hat question: I'm not a hat person, but a fedora I guess.
Lights question: Ummmmmm... Eleventy twelve.
Coke or Pepsi: Classic Coke. Not the "New Coke". It tastes flat.
Weird question: Congratulations. You've brained my stab.
Other weird question: Unless I get my hands on some combustible lemons, that is highly unlikely to happen.
Trapped on the moon: Portal, Portal 2, aaaaand... Warcraft.
Used games: I like used games, because sometimes you can find ones that the store doesn't carry unused copies of anymore.
There! Done.
My answers:
Favourite game: XCOM Enemy Unknown
Favourite character: Steve the Immortal Guard(that one guard in Whiterun who you can't kill)
Favourite type of game: All strategy, all the time.
Favourite type of food: Spicy food. Or French Toast.
What do you think of the video game industry: They need to make more PC ports of popular games.
Hat question: Hatter Madigan's hat from Looking Glass Wars
Lights question: I count 3. Wait, 2, that one broke.
Coke or Pepsi: I don't like soda.
Weird question: Shouldn't there be a Delorean in there somewhere?
Other weird question: Oh, I won't kill you. I'll incorporate your company, franchise it, take over, and open a new one across the street to drive your shop out of business after you get sick of dealing with the franchising and quit.(True story, this happened to the McDonalds Brothers)
Trapped on the moon: XCOM with all DLC, FO:NV with all DLC, and Kerbal Space Program for the irony of it all.
Used games: Love em! theyre cheaper, don't play differently, and I do like older games.
So there.
4975163
I like your moon list. Kerbal would be great both for irony and time killer. New Vegas would be fun for getting every win route. (Plus, I found some fun MLP themed mods that aren't total lore breakers, i.e, a suped-up laser that shoots purple beams: Twilight Sparkler
) I haven't played XCOM yet, but the way I love to micromanage RPGs in general, I bet I would spend 1hr on the tutorial XP
PS: I counter your french toast with waffles. I'll see you for pistols at dawn
jk. I've recently tried making french toast where you quickly cook both sides in a pan (like searing, but not really) then baking the slices. Turned out really good.
Hmm...
Favorite game: Minecraft
Favorite character: Steve
Favorite type of game: IDK
Favorite type of food: Pineapples
What do you think of the video game industry: We need PC features on consoles.
Lights question: Twi's answer, 2.
Weird question:Snails answer because he was right
.
Other weird question: No, your my favorite character.
Trapped on the moon: Minecraft, COD BO 3, Xbox with Xbox Live (Get free games and delete old ones so your never bored). (If late one didn't count for you that Halo 4)
Used games: I like them. There cheaper than the real version and nothing is changed(for most).
Done!
I really enjoyed Snails' part and how he correctly answered the question involving quantum and Dark Matter which I had axpected him to answer correctly the part that followed made it even better. Snails does come across as a genius ditz sometimes.