The Wandering Physicist Adventures

by WanderingPhysicist

Human Nature

Main Characters: Lyra, TWP, Bon Bon, Rei
Cameos: None
Original Write Date: November 10, 2011

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Lyra Heartstrings is a professional. She does not need the fancy bow ties that a certain fiddle player needs to look like an expert. In fact, Lyra was so good, she is a pro at two things. The most obvious is her artistic nature expressed by her musical cutie mark of a lyre, symbolizing the lyrical nature of her heart and the joy she feels sharing music with others. The second, less obvious, expertise is more subtle. Some ponies call it a hobby. Some call it lunacy. Lyra just calls it human hunting.

Current subject: The Wandering Physicist. Status: Likely human. Description: Earth pony. Average height, average build. Brown coat. Black mane and tail. Black glasses. Cutie mark: A smaller, distorted version of himself. Weird. Profession: Owner and operator of the local video game store. Associates: Lucas Grainborough (not human), Twilight Sparkle (not human - maybe), Rei Tsukiyo (possible human), Pinkie Pie (possible human), and more. Current location: Shopping. Begin log.

Lyra is watching a possible human. She is hiding on the side of a building watching it. It appears to be a male earth pony. He would be considered attractive if Lyra were into stallions. She does not argue the way she was born. In fact, she is quite happy with it. More importantly, her subject is providing excellent data.

The Wandering Physicist stares at a food display at the market. He does not know what to get for dinner. Knowing that Rei will eat just about anything that is put in front of her at dinner time, once necessitating the emergency removal of a fork from her stomach (which did nothing to abate her hunger), makes the task much simpler. He sighs and goes up to the vendor to make his purchase.

Lyra quickly jots down the size and quantity of all of the potatoes being purchased. Nopony can eat that many potatoes! Although, he might just like them. The quantity of apples consumed by the Apple family threw Lyra off at first, but they proved to be ‘normal’. More investigation is still needed there. The target starts moving, and the chase continues.

The chase ends when the target reaches his home. For some reason, humans dislike random ponies entering their houses as much as ponies do, so Lyra goes home instead. Back at home, Lyra goes over her notes in her small music room. All of them seemed to point to the target as possibly being a pony, but she knows there is something more. Her elaborate flowcharts connecting him to the parasprite invasion and the loss of her precious cake proves he was also involved in the rise of Discord over a thousand years ago, albeit an alternate universe version of him. There is just one piece missing.

‘Where the hell does Twilight Sparkle fit into this?’ Lyra ponders aloud. ‘I’ve known her since... AHA! She must be investigating him for Celestia! It is so obvious now!’

At that moment, Lyra’s wife Bon Bon walks into the room. ‘Lyra, honey. When are you coming to din... Who are you stalking this time?’

‘I am not stalking anypony. I am helping the princess stop an alien invasion.’

Bon Bon facehoofs and moans. ‘Dear, there are no such thing as humans. You just have to accept that.’

‘But! But! Hands!’

Bon Bon sighs. ‘Okay, Lyra. You win. Come to dinner and you can tell me all about your new theory.’

Current subject: The Wandering Physicist. Personal Information: Unchanged. Current location: Downtown Ponyville. Possibly heading to Sugarcube Corner or the library. Hopefully Sugarcube Corner. Note: If he is heading to Sugarcube Corner, get Bon Bon a special treat as apology for calling her crazy for not believing me again. Double note: Might have to take notes on Pinkie Pie too.

Lyra follows The Wandering Physicist through town. He seems to be out to visit one of his friends. In a personal situation, he might let down his guard and reveal his human form. Hopefully, he will go somewhere with food since Lyra is skipping lunch for matters of national security.

Without warning, the target goes down a side alley. Lyra follows as surreptitiously as she can. She presses herself against a wall and peeks around the corner. The target is not there. Lyra enters the alley and looks around. She stops to ponder the events as somepony sneaks up on her.

‘You know, I don’t care too much for being followed.’

Lyra spins around to see her target. He is pointing some kind of weird cylinder with a crystal on the end at her. Obviously an anti-pony ray developed by humans. Fortunately, Lyra has prepared herself for all sorts of anti-pony rays and brings a spell to mind just in case.

Thinking on her hooves, Lyra scoffs, ‘Ha! You have fallen for one of the most classic blunders!’

‘We are not in Haysia nor are you Sicilian.’ The Irked Physicist replies. ‘I arranged for you to follow me here so I could ask you why you have been stalking me for the past few days.’ Pauses. ‘I am certain that the local police force would like to know too.’ He nods at a blue police box at the end of the alley.

Lyra raises an accusatory hoof. ‘Ha! I knew he was one of you!’

The Intrigued Physicist raises an eyebrow. ‘What does that mean?’

‘Oh no. You won’t use your human mind tricks on me. I’m to smart for that.’

‘I am not a human. Seriously, just look at me.’ He spins around. ‘All pony.’

‘That is just what a human would say.’

‘Okay. Fine. Whatever. Just stop stalking me. Or else.’

‘I’ll only stop once I am convinced you are not a human. It is for the safety of all Equestria!’

‘Listen. I know a Doctor. He can “help” you...’

Lyra strikes a defensive posture. ‘I know more about you than you know, Mr Strawberry.’

‘I just said... What do you mean by that?’

‘What do you think I mean by that?’

‘I think you don’t know what you are talking about and are in for a world of trouble if you even get one hint of the truth.’ The Wandering Physicist snarls as he turns to leave.

‘So, you are human!’ Lyra accuses.

‘And you are a psychopath!’

Rei is the middle of a lecture on the potential meanings of obscure cutie marks. She would rather be playing DDR back home. Neighpon is always nice this time of year. All of the lovely snow covering Horseshu... Making snow pegasi in the castle courtyard... Your guardian bursting in your classroom unannounced... Wait. What!?

‘Hey, everypony!’ The Wandering Physicist greets. ‘Uh, I am here for Rei. I am her guardian. You might know me from the video game shop. I think I have seen a few of you. I know you are all friends with Rei, and I would love for you to come to my shop, you know, the gaming shop, and tell me, her guardian, all about all of the fun things you do with her, Rei, but that isn’t what is important right now. Anyway! Rei! I need your help. There is somepony I need you to stalk. I think she is your music teacher... so it might be a little weird.’

The normally hyper Rei is frozen from embarrassment. Everypony is either looking at her or her guardian and giggling and whispering to each other. Stormy is facehooving from his seat behind Rei.

‘Well, are you coming?’ The Embarrassing Physicist asks.

The Power Block is getting its normal business for the late afternoon. The shop is in an odd area of town with a distinct traffic. Bon Bon feels a little out of place, but it has a lot of fascinating shops that she sometimes visits. She waves to some ponies she knows who are coming out of Neighponese Imports. She makes her way to the video game shop. She has never come to this shop before. She enters, not knowing what she will find, and looks for a clerk. She finds a grey unicorn.

‘Excuse me, I am looking for The Wandering Physicist.’ Bon Bon says to Lucas.

‘Boss? Up at the counter,’ Lucas nods to The Wandering Physicist.

Bon Bon goes over to the counter. The Wandering Physicist finishes with a customer and turns to the visitor.

‘How can I help you?’ He asks.

‘Yes, um, my name is Bon Bon. I am looking for The Wandering Physicist.’

‘Most of my friends call me Mr Wanderer or James.’

‘Right, uh, James, I am here because of my wife Lyra...’

‘You married her? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ The Wandering Physicist cringes.

‘Ah... So you two have met...’ Bon Bon sighs.

‘She has been following me for a while. I ran into her... personally earlier today.’

Bon Bon sighs. ‘Ugh. I had a feeling I would be too late, but that is not important. I came here to...’

Suddenly, Rei enters the store and starts heading towards the residence upstairs.

‘The crazy stalker lady is outside.’ She points to Lyra obviously staring into the window. ‘I’m going to get a juice box and then go back to stalking her.’

The Wandering Physicist and Bon Bon watch the pegasus head upstairs. They look out at Lyra, who has her face pressed on the shop front. Seconds later, Rei drops down and hovers over Lyra while drinking her juice. Bon Bon turns back to The Wandering Physicist.

‘You have somepony following my wife...’ She fumes.

‘To be fair, I am fairly certain that my ward there is being watched too,’ The Defensive Physicist counters. ‘... And she started it.’

‘Anyway...’ Bon Bon sighs. ‘I came to invite you to dinner in hopes to clear everything up. I am sure we can talk about this in a rational manner. Lyra usually gives up once she is given a strong talking-to, and your words would be a boon since she is really adamant this time.’

‘Hmm... That sounds fair. What time should Rei and I arrive?’

‘Rei? Oh! Her.’ Bon Bon glances out the window and Rei waves. ‘Come around seven. I’ll make sure to set her a place, too.’ She leaves a note with her address on it.

‘Great. We’ll look forward to it.’

Bon Bon leaves the store. She stops outside to grab Lyra’s ear in her teeth and drag her away. Rei waves as they leave.

Back at their house, Bon Bon is preparing the meal for her dinner party while Lyra pouts nearby.

‘I can’t believe you willingly would invite a dangerous monster into our house!’ Lyra complains. ‘The Wandering Physicist is a pain, too.’

‘They seemed like perfectly fine ponies to me.’ Bon Bon sighs. ‘They may be a little odd, but that is why I invited them. They will convince you they are normal’ She turns and glares at her wife. ‘You will behave and listen to them since you are not listening to me this time. They are not some mythical beast from your nightmares. Got it?’

Lyra frowns and turns away. There is a knock on the door. Bon Bon keeps up with her cooking, and Lyra gets the clue. She moans and gets up to answer the door. Outside, The Wandering Physicist and Rei are waiting. He has a small box on his back.

‘Hi!’ Rei chirps.

‘Hey,’ The Wandering Physicist greets.

Lyra sighs. ‘Come on in.’

The pair enter the house. Rei’s head snaps in every direction as she takes everything in. Lyra goes to a sofa and sits down, but not like normal ponies do. She crosses her forelegs in front of her as she watches the guests. Rei’s eyes go wide, and she immediately tries to mimic Lyra’s odd pose in a nearby chair. Bon Bon comes out of the kitchen to greet the guests.

‘James, Rei. Good to see you again,’ Bon Bon greets.

‘Uh, thanks for having us,’ The Wandering Physicist replies.

‘It will be good to get somepony else’s cooking for a change,’ Rei beams.

The Wandering Physicist growls a bit at Rei. ‘Anyway, we brought you a little something.’

The stallion takes the box from his back and gives it to Bon Bon. She takes it to a table and starts opening it. A number small confectionary balls are inside.

‘It is mochi!’ Rei chimes in. ‘I made it myself.’

‘Why, thank you, Rei,’ Bon Bon thanks. ‘Isn’t that nice, Lyra?’

‘I guess so...’ Lyra replies scanning them. ‘Mochi’ is obviously some sort of bizarre human snack used to turn ponies into drones to work their underground sugar mi... and Bon Bon just ate one.

‘Sooooo gooooood.’ Bon Bon swoons. ‘I just couldn’t resist. I almost never get a chance to make them for my shop. Whenever I do, I almost always have so few leftover that Lyra gobbles them up before I get a chance to.’

‘I have never had them before in my life,’ Lyra retorts.

‘I made hundreds for last year’s Luna Festival. You couldn’t stop eating them. You wrote a song about it.’

‘Nope. Don’t remember.’ Lyra turns away from her obvious lie as she resists the urge hum the tune.

Bon Bon snorts at her wife but still sits next to her on the sofa. ‘There are still a few minutes before everything will be ready. James, why don’t you tell us more about yourself? Where are you from originally?’

‘I have lived in many places, but I see myself as being from SoColt at heart.’

‘SoColt?’ Bon Bon asks.

‘It is a region from the human planet,’ Lyra answers casually, getting a growl in return from Bon Bon.

‘Southern Coltifornia. Such a fun area,’ The Wandering Physicist explains.

‘I’m from Neighpon!’ Rei throws out.

‘Wow. You traveled far to get here.’ Bon Bon is amazed. ‘Why did you end up in a small town like Ponyville?’

‘Video games,’ The Wandering Physicist states plainly.

‘Dimensional vor-OW! I mean, royal business for Princess Luna,’ Rei answers after getting a sharp jab to her gut.

‘Royal business? Interesting.’ Bon Bon is impressed and ignoring the slip.

‘What was that about dimensional vortexes?’ Lyra asks.

‘Nopony said “dimensional vortexes.” Right, Rei?’ The Covering Physicist glares.

Before Rei can reply, a timer goes off in the kitchen.

‘Oh! Dinner’s ready.’ Bon Bon gets up. ‘Lyra, will you help with the table?’

‘But? Grr...’ Lyra sighs. She turns to the guests. ‘I will expose you by the time this night is through.’

Lyra leads the guests to the dining room before going to help Bon Bon with the meal.

The dinner goes smoothly. Only a few Rei slips for The Wandering Physicist to cover up, and a couple of leading questions from Lyra for Bon Bon to glare back into submission. Afterwards, the group has gathered in the living room again and are enjoying Rei’s mochi.

‘Best mochi ever,’ Lyra says as she stuffs several into her mouth at once.

‘I must get the recipe.’ Bon bon adds.

‘Sorry. Secret imperial recipe.’ Rei giggles.

Lyra swallows. ‘Whatever the recipe, they are simply out of the world.’

The Wandering Physicist rolls his eyes. ‘Thank you for the wonderful evening, ladies,’ he thanks with a bow to the hosts. ‘Um, it is a bit embarrassing, but mind if I use the washroom before we head off?’

‘Oh, uh, down the hall. First door,’ Bon Bon answers.

The Wandering Physicist bows again and exits.

‘So, Rei. Where are you really fr-OW!’ Lyra is jabbed by Bon Bon.

The Wandering Physicist finishes and steps out of the washroom. He looks around a bit and notices a door cracked open. Curiosity wins over good manners, and he takes a peek.

‘WHAT THE FRAK!’

Bon Bon moans. ‘You left your study open.’

‘Oh crap.’

Lyra runs to head off the issue, but The Furious Physicist bowls her over on his way back. He drops a set of photos on the cowering unicorn.

‘Does she know?’ He fumes.

‘Well, uh, my research proves she is not human.’

A hoof comes down near Lyra’s head. ‘Does. She. Know.’

‘... No.’ Lyra squeaks.

‘Following me, I can let go. Following Rei, well, she was messing with you from the start.’

‘Damn right!’ Rei cheers.

‘Shut up!’

Rei hides.

The Pissed Physicist turns back to Lyra. ‘I was having fun with you until now. Hell, I was even thinking of messing with you a bit more, but now...’ He marches to the door. ‘Rei, you’re going straight home.’

‘But...’

‘Rei!’

‘Eep. Yes sir.’

‘I am going to make a stop on the way home. Lyra, if you think I am upset, I am sure Twilight will be really angry,’ He pauses. ‘As will Lucas, Kaeko, Droll, and everypony else I meet on the way.’

‘Wait! Mr James!’ Bon Bon pleads. ‘Lyra didn’t mean any harm. She just gets a little carried away. At least give her a chance to make up for it.’

The Angry Physicist looks over at Lyra. ‘How many have you followed in this town alone?’

Lyra looks down. ‘About three dozen...’

‘Three dozen!’ Bon Bon shrieks.

‘And how many know you followed them? Counting me and Rei.’

Lyra winces painfully. ‘... Two...’

The Vengeful Physicist growls. He gets out his mobile and starts entering commands. ‘You have twenty-four hours to tell everypony. See me at my shop when you are done. I’ll know if you succeeded. Rei, we’re leaving.’

The Grumbling Physicist walks out as calmly as he can followed by a very nervous Rei. Lyra looks over at Bon Bon but gets none of the support she was hoping for.

‘I’d get started now. Sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you,’ Bon Bon seethes, controlling her anger as best she can.

Lyra just nods and steps outside. The door is slammed behind her. Lyra starts on her task after wincing at the loud scream from the house and the obvious sobbing that follows.

It is past dark when Lyra finally reaches The Power Block after the end of a long day. The shop is still open with the two operators at the counter playing a game on a nearby system. Lyra feels lucky there are no customers. Her body is sore from where some ponies actually hit her, and her mind and emotions are shattered from the near-endless yelling throughout the day. She gently pushes the door to the shop open.

‘Look! No hands!’ Lucas jokes as he operates the controller with his magic.

Lyra winces at the joke.

‘Ah, come on. Thought you’d like that one.’

‘Lucas, can you handle closing?’ The Wandering Physicist asks. ‘Lyra, follow me.’

‘You don’t want me to apologize?’ Lyra asks.

‘Life’s too short to be mad about something in the past. I mean, I can count the number of grudges I hold on one hand,’ Lucas replies.

Lyra winces again. The Wandering Physicist nods to her and leads her upstairs. Rei is in the kitchen cooking.

‘Konbanwa, Heartstrings-san!’ Rei waves.

Lyra waves back as The Wandering Physicist stops in front of an odd closet.

‘How do you feel?’ The Wandering Physicist asks.

Lyra looks at The Wandering Physicist. She just bites her lip, shakes her head, and hold back the tears.

‘I thought so. Follow me.’ The Wandering Physicist turns to open the closet. ‘Rei. Stay out here.’

‘Aw!’

The Wandering Physicist enters the closet. Lyra follows, stops, looks back out, then goes in.

‘This is....’

‘Bigger on the inside. Yep.’

The doors close, and the TARDIS starts powering up.

‘What is this?’ Lyra is even more confused how she should feel.

‘This is my time machine,’ The Wandering Physicist explains. ‘See, I am a time traveller from another planet. Rei is from an alternate dimension where she is royalty. Are you getting all of this?’

Lyra just nods.

‘Good. Because you can tell nopony about it. It is a secret I have only shared with my closest friends, the Elements of Harmony, and the princesses.’

‘I understand.’

The Wandering Physicist stops the TARDIS. ‘Good. Now. Which pony do you think you upset the most with your revelation?’

Lyra grimaces as she remembers the day’s events. Twilight Sparkle was furious, but she eventually calmed down after Spike convinced her not to ask Celestia to banish Lyra to the moon permanently. Fluttershy probably will never leave her house again. Pinkie Pie surprisingly gave her a cupcake and laughed it off, having somehow known about the stalking the whole time. Derpy was equally understanding, if a little cross. Lyra settles on the Apple family since the pinpoint bruises from bucked apples were still hurt after several hours. She opens her mouth to answer.

‘The correct answer is her,’ The Wandering Physicist says as he opens the doors to reveal Bon Bon laying on her bed crying.

Lyra is frozen in the TARDIS. She just stares at her wife, not knowing what to do. The Wandering Physicist gives Lyra a nudge.

‘I may not know a lot about relationships, but I find an apology is a good start.’

Lyra nods and starts to leave.

‘Oh! And find a new hobby. Humans are just big, dumb, hairless apes with no sense of style. Total waste of time.’

Lyra laughs to herself and exits the TARDIS.

A few days later, Lyra and Bon Bon are out on a reconciliation picnic date in the park. Lyra still gets upset glares from the ponies she followed, but she is doing her best to ignore them. The couple are having a very peaceful time until a white streak with blue tint passes by.

‘Get back here!’ The Wandering Physicist yells as he chases the streak. ‘Wait until I get my hands on you!’

Lyra bolts upright. ‘Hands!’

‘Sit down, dear,’ Bon Bon sighs.

Lyra stands for a moment then sits back down. She and Bon Bon watch the chase unfolding in front of them.
Current subject: The Wandering Physicist. Status: Time Lord. NOT human. Description: Earth pony. Average height, average build. Brown coat. Black mane and tail. Black glasses. Cutie mark: A smaller, distorted version of himself. Still weird. Profession: Owner and operator of the local video game store. Associates: Lucas Grainborough (pony), Twilight Sparkle (pony - maybe), Rei Tsukiyo (pony?), Pinkie Pie (pony... maybe), and more. Current location: In the park chasing Rei. End log.

Author's Note:

TWP Timeline: First true encounter with Lyra.

Story Timeline: TWP confirmed as not human. Hints at having met them before. Lyra hints at knowing TWP from some other event.

Fun fact: Outside of TWP and his love life, Lyra and Bon Bon have the rockiest relationship in the series.

Comments

[VedaQuila]

Trying to write my own fanfic and you've just ruined it for me...

WITH AWESOMENESS

[WanderingPhysicist]

2441197

I hope you keep writing. It is good to see what other writers are doing and not write in a vacuum. Throughout this series, I have used bits and pieces from other writers and artists as inspiration for character names, backstories and behaviours. I try to reference when I can so their wonderful (and better) works get the credit where props are due. Just don't stop being creative! The world needs more creative people in it.

[Pencil Lead]

HOW DID LYRA KNOW! Pinkie told me she was a human! How did Lyra find out?!?!