A Day of Wandering
Main Characters: TWP, Lucas, Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, Cheerilee, Apple Bloom, Fluttershy, Octavia, Rainbow Dash, Luna
Cameos: Spike, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle
Original Write Date: October 28, 2011
The Wandering Physicist is up bright and early around midday. He comes down from his second story home ready to work, his laptop, mobile and hoofhelds ready. Fortunately, Lucas has opened The Power Block, Ponyville’s finest and only video game store, and is at the main counter. The Wandering Physicist goes over and sets up his computer. He surveys the empty store.
‘Morning rush?’ he asks.
‘Nonexistent.’ Lucas answers.
‘Midday rush?’
‘You’re seeing it.’
‘Excellent! Want to play some CoD?’
‘Boss... You need a break.’
‘I just had a break. I went to Canterlot. It was fun. There was lots of yelling.’
‘Yes, you told me but if you want to play a FPS, then something is wrong.’
‘I am perfectly fine.’
‘You also haven’t left the store since you got back.’
‘But it has been so gloomy outside! Who would want to go out in this weather?’
Lucas looks out at the sunny day. Dozens of ponies are seen on the streets, even in this out of the way district. He turns back to see his boss shaking a hoof at the sun.
‘Go away, you bastard!’ The Threatening Cosmologist shouts.
Lucas facehoofs. ‘Boss, you are acting crazier than usual. Is everything fine?’
‘How is my threatening the sun crazier than usual? That sounds pretty normal for me.’
Lucas looks around nervously and steps back. ‘Did... did you and Twilight break up?’
‘You’re fired,’ The Wandering Physicist says without looking up.
Lucas sighs. ‘Boss, you need a break. You have been cooped up in here for the past four days. Get out and see the town!’
The Wandering Physicist wraps his forelegs around his laptop. ‘But I don’t wanna.’
Lucas scowls. He goes into the back office and returns holding a small cartridge with his magic.
‘My original Mother 3 cart! You wouldn’t...’
‘You know what my magic can do,’ Lucas threatens. ‘Get out of the shop, or else.’
The Wandering Physicist frowns. He packs up all of his electronics and heads to the door. Lucas sighs and sets down the cartridge. He goes back to the counter and watches his boss head out. He sees The Camping Physicist sitting outside using his laptop. He runs to the door and throws it open.
‘You have to go further! Get out of here!’
‘But I will be out of range of the wi-fi...’
‘Go!’
The Wandering Physicist pouts and packs up again.
The Wandering Physicist is wandering through Ponyville looking for a place to hang out for the day. As he goes down the street, he sees two familiar faces approaching.
‘Mr Hayate James Wanderer!’ Pinkie Pie greets.
‘Such marvelous timing. We were just on our way to see you and Lucas.’ Rarity joins in.
‘You’re early. Kinect Raving Rabbids doesn’t come out for another week.’
Pinkie gasps.
‘Of all of the worst things to happen! This! Is! The! ... Wait. I don’t care about that.’
‘Oh. How can I help you then?’
‘We’re here to invite you to a party!’ Pinkie beams.
‘Oh...’ The Wandering Physicist replies, not sounding very enthused. Pinkie frowns at his reaction.
‘Actually, darling, the party is just part of the deal,’ Rarity corrects. ‘Did you happen to receive my missives I’ve been sending you this past week?’
‘Oh yeah. Those were so funny,’ The Wandering Physicist laughs. ‘We have them posted in the shop as a gag.’
Rarity’s jaw drops.
‘Oh.....’ The Wandering Physicist realizes. ‘They weren’t jokes.’
‘Nopey lopey!’
‘You see, you two are really invited to a fashion show,’ Rarity explains.
‘And the title...’
‘Ah yes,’ Rarity starts. ‘You see after your little excursion to save Derpy and that incident with that... interesting pegasus, I was inspired!’ She poses dramatically. ‘The innate mystery of beings from another world brought out my muse and thus my “It Came From Another Planet” fashion line was borne!’ She poses extra dramatically and adds magical effects as well.
Everypony in the area is staring at Rarity. The spell is broken when somepony mumbles ‘I think I have that DVD.’ and gets some laughs from the other ponies in earshot.
Rarity collects herself. ‘So, um, would we be seeing you at the show tomorrow?’
‘Oh, well, um, err... I don’t have anything to wear?’
‘I will be happy to supply a fine suit to the guest of honor.’
‘Great... Fine. I’ll see you then.’
‘Wait!’ Pinkie interrupts. ‘What about my parties?’
‘Right...’ Pinkie, again, is a little upset at the less than enthusiastic reaction.
‘Yes, you simply must come to them,’ Rarity insists.
‘Them?’
‘Right!’ Pinkie is again chipper. ‘We have the pre-show party tonight, the post-show party tomorrow, followed by the post-post-show party, then the after-party. That is the cool one.’
The Wandering Physicist is a little incredulous about all of the parties, but extremely sad eyes from Pinkie cause him to sigh.
‘Fine. I’ll be there.’
‘Great! I look forward to seeing you there!’ Pinkie starts bouncing down the street.
‘As do I.’ Rarity hurries on to catch her friend.
The Wandering Physicist sighs and continues his hunt for a place to hang out.
The Wandering Physicist is going through the town looking for an open wi-fi signal. Unfortunately, Ruby Dart, the owner of the local computer shop, did too good a job setting up the wireless network for the town, and The Wandering Hacker is too lazy to even brute-force her passwords. He is now heading to the most logical place where he would find an internet connection: the library.
The Wandering Physicist goes inside the library. He immediately regrets it as a small herd of foals run past him.
‘Get back here!’ Spike yells as he chases the foals. ‘It is almost story time.’
The Wandering Physicist is about to wander back outside when a pair of mares approach. One is Twilight Sparkle. The other he recognizes as the school teacher Cheerilee.
‘Mr Wanderer! So good to see you here.’ Twilight greets. ‘Would you like to help us out today?’
‘Sorry, but I think I left my net gun back at the shop.’
‘Oh, Mr Wanderer.’ Cheerilee laughs. ‘I heard you were a funny one, and I see it is true.’
The Wandering Physicist and Twilight decide to not tell Cheerilee that he was not joking.
‘I am sorry I don’t know you too well, but video games are not really good for developing minds,’ Cheerilee says.
‘Actually, studies have shown that gaming is good for all sorts of mental development...’ The Wandering Physicist starts as he prepares to beat Cheerilee with facts and the largest book he can find.
‘Anyway,’ Twilight says as she magically removes a large atlas from The Wandering Debater’s reach, ‘I am hosting a story time today for the all of the students in the preschool and kindergarten. Would you like to help?’
Cheerilee adds, ‘We already have some volunteers, but...’
‘CUTIE MARK CRUSADER FOAL WRANGLERS! YAY!’ The Cutie Mark Crusaders yell as they run through the library faster than they should.
‘Did I say net gun? I meant taser.’
‘Oh, you’re really silly, Mr Wanderer,’ Cheerilee assumes. ‘Here. We’ll find you a room and get you set up.’
Cheerilee goes off to find a room in the library to set up. Spike comes running back through the room being chased by foals.
‘Ah! Save me, Twilight!’
‘CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DRAGON SAVERS! YAY!’ The Cutie Mark Crusaders yell as they run after Spike.
‘I really should be going... I just needed an internet connection,’ The Wandering Physicist explains.
‘Please!’ Twilight begs. ‘It is only for one story.’
‘I don’t know...’
‘I’ll tell Lucas where you are,’ Twilight threatens.
‘So! One story, eh!’ The Wandering Physicist says, looking out over a group of young foals.
The foals stare back at The Wandering Physicist.
‘My dad says that you have never kissed a girl and never will,’ A small brown earth pony filly says.
‘Chocolate Sprinkle, right?’ The filly nods. ‘Well, your dad once had an “experimental phase” in high school. Ask him about it.’ He looks at a young unicorn colt. ‘Ask his dad too. He was there to, uh, “lend a hoof”.’ If only I can use the TARDIS to get revenge on the people that made fun of me in high school...
The foals murmur amongst themselves.
‘Okay! Story!’ The Wandering Physicist interrupts before awkward questions start flying. ‘So what do you want to hear? The Occupy Canterlot press release? The proposed New Lunar Republic constitution? Something I found on like called online “Cupcakes”? Maybe...’
‘This book here!’ Apple Bloom says as she enters with a book on her head.
The Wandering Physicist takes the book and looks it over as Apple Bloom takes a seat.
‘You’re free to go.’
‘Twilight wants me t’ keep an eye on ya. Fer some reason she doesn’ entirely trust ya.’
‘Smart filly...’ The Wandering Physicist groans as he looks the book over. ‘ “The Ugly Duckling”, eh? I think we can have some fun with this.’
Twilight and Cheerilee have gathered the students in the main hall of the library. They are doing a headcount before sending them home.
‘That is all of them, except for the group with Mr Wanderer,’ Cheerilee says.
‘We should go get them before they drive each other insane.’ Twilight replies.
Cheerilee laughs, still not knowing that Twilight is not joking. They go to the room where The Wandering Physicist is set up. They open the door to a fairly calm scene.
‘Okay! What was the lesson of the story?’ The Wandering Physicist asks.
‘To be an unique and special individual!’ The class replies.
Twilight is a little surprised that the foals were not taught a misleading or corrupted version of the story. Then The Wandering Physicist asks his next question.
‘Good. And why was the ugly duckling teased?’
A small pegasus colt raises a hoof. ‘Because the other ducklings were following a misguided and outdated social philosophy imposed on them by the corrupt media, conservative government figures and an uncaring education system!’
Twilight and Cheerilee are shocked.
‘Correct! And what happened to them?’
Apple Bloom shoots a hoof up. ‘The ugly ducklin’ rose t’ become a powerful innovator and was able t’ buy an’ sell the ducklin’s that made fun o’ him. He was then able t’ reverse the stigmata of bein’ unique and special that conservative conformists are tryin’ t’ use t’ bend us t’ their will.’
‘Excellent Apple Bloom! So class, what should you do?’
‘Be unique and special!’
‘Why?’
‘Otherwise we are corporate and political drones!’
‘What else should you do?’
‘Splendid!’ The Wandering Physicist notices two aghast mares at the door. ‘Looks like it is time to go.’
‘AW!’ The class moans.
‘It is okay. Remember to ask your teacher for that list of informative websites I emailed her.’ The Wandering Physicist smiles at the shocked Cheerilee.
‘Yay!’ The class cheers as they run out the door.
‘Well, that was an... unique interpretation of the story,’ Cheerilee says.
‘I’m free to speak to your class anytime,’ The Wandering Lecturer offers.
‘Oh. Uh. I’ll think about that,’ Cheerilee dodges.
‘CUTIE MARK CRUSADER OCCUPY PONYVILLE! YAY!’ is heard from out of the room.
‘Oh. That cannot be good,’ Cheerilee moans as she turns around and runs from the room. ‘Girls! Wait!’
The Wandering Physicist laughs. ‘That was a lot more fun than I expected.’
‘How can you mess up such a simple story!’ Twilight shouts.
‘They started asking questions. I just filled in the answers with examples from the real world. Kids are quite an astute force of nature when you encourage and challenge them.’
‘Don’t trust whitey?’ Twilight fumes.
‘Oh. Right. Eh heh heh...’
Twilight magically slams the door and screams of fear and pain are heard inside.
The Wandering Physicist is sitting at a table in the middle of a park. He is covered in small bandages and bruises. After a brief stint in the clinic, followed by a large donation to the National Association of Free Clinics because everypony should support them until universal healthcare is available to all ponies, The Wandering Physicist found the safest, quietest place in town to rest and go online to do business. He was able to use the tethering feature from his mobile to get a signal for his laptop and has been working for the past few hours. He finally lets out a sigh and closes the laptop. On the other side of the table, Fluttershy is staring at him. He screams and falls off the table.
‘Ow! That hurt,’ he moans from the ground.
‘I’m sorry.’ Fluttershy apologizes from under the table where she hid from scream. ‘I shouldn’t have scared you.’
‘Nah. It is cool. It was just surprising seeing you suddenly there.’
Fluttershy comes out from under the table. ‘Actually... I was there for the past couple hours...’
‘Seriously? You should have said something.’
‘Oh no! You looked so busy. I didn’t want to interrupt.’
‘We IM-ed for thirty minutes!’
Fluttershy squeaks and hides under the table again.
‘Sorry. Sorry. Just been a long day.’
‘I’m sorry. How did you get hurt?’
‘Never make fun of Celestia in front of Twilight.’
‘Oh dear,’ Fluttershy laughs. ‘I am surprised you got off that easy.’ She offers a hoof to help.
‘Thanks, but I can barely move. I think my back went out when I fell.’
‘Oh. Let me help you.’ Fluttershy rolls The Paralyzed Physicist over and presses down hard on his back. She ignores his scream. ‘Calm down. I am a professional.’
‘Professional animal care!’
‘Ponies are animals too.’ A loud pop is heard. ‘Oopsie. I can fix that.’
‘No! I am fine!’
The Wandering Physicist tries breaking free, but he cannot get up from under Fluttershy. She tumbles over him, and they fall down a small hill and roll to the bottom. The Wandering Physicist lands on top of Fluttershy. They are staring right into the other’s face.
‘Oh dear.’ Fluttershy blushes and tries curling into a ball.
‘Sorry!’ The Wandering Physicist leaps back but stops and gets a pained look on his face from his back.
The Wandering Physicist helps Fluttershy up and they head back to the table in silence. At the table, The Wandering Physicist starts packing up his things.
‘So...’ The Wandering Physicist says.
‘I wish you kissed me...’ Fluttershy utters barely audibly, her cheeks turning bright red.
‘What was that?’ The Wandering Physicist asks.
‘.....’ Fluttershy squeaks in what scientists can barely define as speech.
‘Anyway... I was going to ask why you were waiting for me earlier.’
‘Oh! Um, well, Rarity is having a party tonight and I was hoping you would be my plus one...’ Fluttershy whispers out.
‘Hmm... We have a problem there,’ -- Fluttershy gives a sad squeak -- ‘since I am invited too.’
Fluttershy perks up. ‘Really?’
‘Yep!’
‘Oh good!’ Fluttershy beams at The Wandering Physicist.
‘Hey, since it is getting on in time, want to head over with me now?’ The Wandering Physicist raises a foreleg.
Fluttershy blushes and accepts the offer. They start walking off together.
‘Oo. My neck still hurts.’
‘Want me to help you with that?’
‘No thanks! I’ll be fine.’
The Wandering Physicist rubs his neck a little and continues on with Fluttershy.
At the pre-show party, The Wandering Physicist is sitting off to one side, trying to hide himself as much as possible until he can make a logical escape. He is not one for large parties like this, especially with its the limited selection of non-alcoholic drinks. He moans to himself as he waits for Rarity see him to prove he actually showed. The wondrously loud techno music will be stuck in his head for the next week.
‘Ugh. At least it isn’t rap,’ The Grumbling Physicist says as he works on his soda.
‘The DJ is not crass enough to play that garbage,’ A pony within earshot (about one meter given the volume of the music) comments.
‘Well, I shouldn’t be one to talk since I enjoy chiptone.’
‘You disgust me.’
The Wandering Physicist looks over at the mystery pony. The pony looks back. They both are shocked. ‘You!’ The Wandering Physicist and Octavia shout in unison.
‘Wanna come back to my place for some Rock Band?’ The Wandering Physicist offers.
‘Tasteless cad.’ Octavia shoots as she clumsily takes a seat next to The Wandering Physicist.
‘Party enough already?’
‘I’m not as think as you drunk I am.’ Octavia laughs. ‘I’m saving myself for the real party tomorrow after the show.’
‘Ugh. You going to that too?’ The Wandering Physicist moans.
‘Please. Like I would find myself at something as boring at that,’ Octavia counters. ‘I’m just hitting all of the parties as a friend of the band.’ She takes a drink, then it hits her. ‘Are you here for the show?’ She starts snickering.
The Wandering Physicist sighs. ‘Special guest of Rarity.’
Octavia laughs. ‘No wonder you are here. Whatcha drinking? I’ll help you make it through the show.’
‘I don’t drink.’
‘Blasphemy!’
The Wandering Physicist moans and goes back to his soda. Octavia frowns at her empty drink, gets up, then returns moments later with a pair of cups.
‘On me. It doesn’t have any booze, but it will still put hair on your chest. Your very soft and warm and cuddly chest...’ Octavia stares at The Wandering Physicist in a way and for length of time to make him really uncomfortable. She catches herself and slaps him. ‘Pervert!’
The Wandering Physicist rubs his overstressed neck. ‘And that is why fillies should not be allowed to drink.’
The combination of alcohol and her oversensitivity causes Octavia to snap. She punches the Wandering Physicist as hard as she can across the jaw and screams, ‘You ASS!’
All The Wandering Physicist can do is stare at the wall. Literally. ‘Ow.’ He squeaks at a volume that would impress Fluttershy.
‘Hmph. Stupid flankhat,’ Octavia scoffs as she goes back to her drink. ‘You can look back now.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Good to see you finally have some manners.’
‘No, I mean I literally can’t.’
‘Oh no.’ Octavia starts looking for a good place to hide the body.
‘Uh... If I can get a little help, I think I can make it back to my place.’
‘Oh. Um.’ Octavia reaches over and snaps The Wandering Physicist’s neck back to face her.
They stare at each other for an extended moment. She does not know what to say as her eyes drift toward his lips. He tries his hardest not to scream in pain.
‘Thank you,’ The Wandering Physicist squeaks. He gets up and starts slowly heading out. ‘If you see Rarity, tell her what happened. Peace.’
Octavia watches The Wandering Physicist leaving. If she was not certain that he was in pain, she would have thought he was just trying too show off his flank to her. Not that she was watching that part of him or anything.
The Wandering Physicist finally heads home after a day of wandering. He takes his sweet time and enjoys the walk, mostly because of a number of serious traumas he experienced during the day. He was makes extra notes in his head to fire Lucas several times the next day for either having his mobile off, partying too hard, or being drunk and therefore not helping him in his hour of need.
A shadow shoots by overheard. It comes back a second later. Rainbow Dash drops down and hovers in the air by The Wandering Physicist.
‘Hey, Jim. What’s up?’ Rainbow Dash asks.
‘Oh. Not much. How about you, Miss Dash?’
‘Same. Just heading home from Rarity’s party. Had to get out before she asked me to actually come to the show tomorrow.’
‘Want to be my plus one?’
Rainbow Dash starts flying upside down as she rolls over laughing. ‘So she roped you in, eh? Prepare to be bored out of your skull!’
‘I’m guest of honor.’
Rainbow Dash stops in midair. ‘What!’ She starts pouting. ‘I’ve never been her guest of honor...’
‘You were a model for her.’
‘Yeah, but... I just like to be a guest of honor sometimes.’
‘Well, at the rate I am going, you can have my ticket since I probably won’t make it home in time for the show.’
‘I thought there was something up. Need a lift?’ Rainbow Dash offers.
‘Can you go easy on the back?’
Rainbow Dash thinks. ‘I don’t think I can even lift you easily on my own. How about I find Twilight and have her use her magic?’
‘No! She’ll ask questions...’
‘Oooh!’ Rainbow Dash laughs. ‘What did you say to her this time?’
‘Did you see Scootaloo today?’
‘Yeah. She was trying to join the... Oh.’ Rainbow Dash thinks. ‘I would have thought that time-traveling aliens were in the one percent.’
‘We’re not.’
‘Good to have you on our side!’ Rainbow Dash looks around to make sure nopony is looking. ‘Do we get the reforms we want?’
‘Spoilers.’
Rainbow Dash snorts.
‘Miss Dash, how much physics do you know?’
‘Not as much as you or Twilight.’ Or any at all.
‘Well, if an object is traveling at a high enough momentum, it can use the extra energy to lift objects heavier than it.’ If I totally bastardize the science to my own ends....
Rainbow Dash thinks. ‘I think I got ya. Hold on.’
The pegasus shoots high into the sky, loops around and shoots to the ground. She levels off with the street and takes aim. She slips under The Wandering Physicist who grabs on at the right moment. Their speed is slowed, but she is able to carry him.
‘All right! I’ll get you back home in ten seconds flat!’
‘Or you can take your time if you don’t want to have your mane dyed green.’
Rainbow Dash just laughs and shoots towards The Power Block.
Moans fill The Power Block. The Wandering Physicist lays on his bed with his legs stretched in every direction. His back has never felt so good nor hurt as much at the same time. He is trying to not even think lest it cause his nerves to receive an electrical impulse as regulated via his spinal column. He does not even care that somepony has just broken in and is potentially going through all of his possessions.
The mysterious pony is being very quiet for a burglar, and The Wandering Physicist appreciates that. For some reason, the mysterious pony is even locking all of the doors behind it. If he survives the night, The Wandering Physicist makes a mental note to send this burglar a thank-you card. The burglar is even careful not to disturb The Wandering Physicist as it goes through his room. The burglar is so kind as to give him a kiss on the cheek.
‘Hello, sweetie,’ Luna says as she sits next to the bed.
‘Oh, Luna. Did you scare away the burglar?’
‘Burglar? That was me. I saw your house was open, and I didn’t want you to get hurt or lose anything.’
‘How did you know my house was open? Were you trying to break in or something?’
Luna hides a small burglar’s kit behind her tiara. ‘No. Why would I do that?’ She looks at her sprawled out friend. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Perfectly. Nothing a complete spinal replacement wouldn’t fix.’
‘Okay!’ Luna starts charging a spell. ‘How did this happen?’
‘Well, first Twilight found out I taught some schoolfoals about the New Lunar Republic.’
Luna moans and rolls her eyes. ‘I’ll look forward to all of the outraged letters.’
The Wandering Physicist laughs. ‘Then Fluttershy ambushed me in the park. She is very sneaky.’ Luna laughs. ‘Then I found out that Octavia has a mean right hook.’
Luna laughs even harder. ‘Twice in one week? For a time traveler, you don’t see things coming too well.’
‘What are you doing back there?’ The Wandering Physicist ask, trying to turn.
‘Almost finished. You might feel a slight tingle.’
Luna’s horn glows with powerful magics. An aura surrounds The Wandering Physicist’s body. Luna touches her horn to his back and the magic flows into his body. The aura pulses the rushes into him.
‘Better?’ Luna asks.
The Wandering Physicist goes so tense he starts shaking. He emits a high-pitched whine.
‘Oh, right! Pain relief spell. I always forget that.’
Luna charges another spell and engulfs The Wandering Physicist again. He lets out a massive sigh and goes completely limp.
‘Sorry...’ Luna hangs her head.
‘It is okay. It is not like you had a thousand plus years to practice.’
A bolt of lightning sparks from Luna’s horn and shocks The Wandering Physicist’s sensitive back. ‘Quiet, youngster.’
The Wandering Physicist rolls into a ball. ‘I wonder if that is what regeneration feels like.’
‘Technically speaking, I used a spell to cause your nervous system to completely reset, so that is sort of like a regeneration.’
‘Not what I meant.’
‘I know.’
Luna carefully steps onto the bed and wraps herself around The Wandering Physicist in a big hug.
‘Have I ever told you that you are so huggable?’ Luna coos.
‘Perfect way to end the day,’ The Wandering Physicist says as he drifts off to sleep.
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This is why I don't go to party's... Or go outside... Anyway, I would have thought that Time Travelling aliens would have been in the 1%...
I'm gonna sound stupid, but what is the one percent?
2436649
The 1% is a bit of politics. It refers to the richest 1% of society, which some economic models show control a majority of the wealth in America. Just a bit of a topical reference.
positive effects of steam sales? making everyone go bankrupt is good?