"T-t-t-the g-g-giggling... make it STOP!"
He is trapped. Trapped in an nightmarish, underground dungeon with flickering lights and a giggling monstrosity that always remains just out of his line of sight. All he has is a flashlight, whatever batteries he can find and his own wits. Using these, he must try to find a way to escape from whatever is chasing him, and reach the outside. Most importantly, though, he must not let whatever on God's green earth that is chasing him, actually get him...
----
Tags will change as story develops E.g. Character tags.
My first little Horror tale, contains insane Pinkie. Leave now if you don't like it.
And, if you do! Feel free to leave a little...
guess
Too see if your friend and mine escapes...
or not.
hehehe
Ultimately though... I do hope you like this...
If not...? Welllll~!
We can fix that...!
Thanks to andygrey for proofreading the story for me!
Also thanks to my Editor Alchemo Arrow! No offense man, but he bugged out after the first chapter, creeped him out apparently...
Also thanks to my Pre-readers!: Which is only at one right now... Raincloud my main man! you just received some recognition!
If ya want to pre-read the story, gimme a PM.
Blogs that Majorly relate to the story: Wont you come out to play...? More ideas for the story.
Cover Art...? And a little more life insight
Happy Nightmare Night!
-Saved SoulWriter
Definitely a good story as it is very detailed and immersive, but you are still not being consistent with the ellipsis.
I have seen you range from "..." to ".........." and while it still does not impact the story that much, it can still be noticed.
Also, I recommend changing “W-W-WHERE IS THIS PLACE?!” to “W-W-WHERE IS THIS PLACE?!” and "A human skull" to A human skull.
The emphasizing of "is" allow the characters shock and confusion to be properly conveyed.
Then there is the fact that there was a skull was already established, and the main character would be more affected by the fact that the skull is human than the skull being there.
Other than that it is very well written, and I look forward to seeing how it turns out!
9/10
Well. That was a tad creepy, but very well written. Didn't see an errors on my first read though, will do a more through read through tomorrow when I get home. You have improved significantly from when I first started editing for you. Great job! Considering the last thing I proofread/edited for you, it sort of seems that you do better with emotion-driven stories.
Nothing wrong with this, but still room for improvement.
First, I feel it's a tad short. See if you can add a little more in ere, and stress even more how unsettling the place is. But don't make it too long, otherwise it gets way too drawn out.
Second, try to make it more detailed. And I don't mean go back and add more to what you've already written, that stuff's good. I mean add more like that to really set the scene. It's unsettling right now, and it needs some more to become outright creepy.
Third, I noticed some fragments, such as "Only leaving behind a soft giggle which echoed in the dark room". Go back and see if you can't rework them.
The story's fine as is, but it just needs some spit and shine to improve it.
3197808
3202941
I'm not entirely sure that I agree with the above stated sentiments.
There are a whole lot of errors here that could be fixed, to name but a few:
The ground was black and charred, what from? He didn't know.
His breathing was irregular and his heart pounding. He sighed, thinking that he had finally escaped from whatever that monstrosity was.
Choose.
I don't know if either of these is right, but I would wager the second is closer if you add a comma after again.
There are more up there that could be fixed by a quick editing, I haven't been too thorough.
All that being said though, your story is pretty neat. I really like the concepts and imagery. You definitely show ability to write, I just think you need to be more thorough when you do you editing and touch ups
.
And... try to keep the use of ellipses at a... bare minimum... they may be a magic punctuation mark that can replace... both commas and periods... easy to insert almost anywhere... but that doesn't mean... that it is... a good... idea... you dig...?
PS: God, I'm a monster
, I didn't mean to rag on your story this much! I really did enjoy it, and I hope you get around to writing more.
3206966 Well crap. Perfect example of how I still end up missing things. Oops.
Sorry SoulWriter.
3206966
Well man.
Its still a work in process. But it was one I was cooking up for a month before my Exams hit.
So I wanted to get it out of the way. All errors will be fixed over time!
Thanks for the input by the way!
Appreciate constructive criticism!
And eh...
I knew I used to many elipses! But you should have seen... before... it... us...es... to..o... many... too.. count...!
Seriously though.
You Ain't a monster till you kill one and become the monster yourself...
(Moral Values)
3206978 No worries man! We're still working out the kinks!
In fact...
I'ma gonna go fix those now!
Thanks! Again...
-Saved SoulWriter
3206966
I fixed the ones you mentioned. Though if you want to go ahead and be more thorough in explaining whats wrong, I would LOVE to fix it.
Please...?
I really want this story to be a good one!
3207043
I've poofread before, and would definitely do so again, but I would prefer to do it in a google doc.
If you could paste this into a google doc and send me the link through pm I'll take a look at it within the next couple of days
. Just remember to put the comment feature on under sharing options.
3207130
I dare say I may have to actually do this!
Proofreading would be a lot easier.
I'll get to it sometime, I'm a tad busy at the moment doing some other work!
3207152
.
No sweat buddy, I'm in a somewhat similar situation
3207173
I'm actually more surprised that the story is on 5 likes and 0 dislikes...
I would like it myself to make it six...
But doing that would be like a dog licking its own nuts...
*Shudder*
Yeah I ain't doing that.
3207230
.
there you go, 6
3207237
thanks for liking the story! 
Well... Ok...?
Lookie forwards to future chapters!
-I don't have to lick my own nuts now...-
Lol, my like makes it eight then.
I suppose if there is something I can point out it's that I don't know if you space after an ellipse in a sentence. I know I don't and seeing the spaces you put after them just doesn't look right to me. I'm pretty sure ya don't put spaces after them, but I could be wrong. Hahaha.
Anyway, nice set up you've got here; others have added their input but I second adding just a smidge more detail to the surroundings to further punch home how messed up this nightmare is that the poor sap of a human ended up in. As far as I can tell, you've got Pinks crazy 'Pinkamena' self down pretty well and made her seem genuinely terrifying.
As for any grammar errors, as far as I can tell most have been found and fixed already, but I'll keep an eye out as yer story progresses to help lend a hoof if something pops up.
Slowly, he leaned down and stared into the lock...
All he saw was blue.
I think rewriting that like so, where it kind of trails off (like, ya know, how a horror movie will build up to a moment like this, the music rising before ya get the big spook moment) before just that simple, yet terrifying phrase after the realization hits really adds to the terror factor.
All in all it's a good start and seeing as Halloween is only about a month away, I think a little horror right now is more than appropriate. I can't wait to see more, hahahaha.
3208431
Why thank you Darkness Shade!
I look forwards to writing more of this story!
And I'll fix that little bit in a moment!
Just so all y'all commenter's know, I'm going to be away for...
Several hours...?
yeah make it six to seven hours.
So if you have any questions or general comments or slight edits to say about the story, leave them in the comments section and I'll get to them later...
Hopefully. If I don't have any work to do I'll get to em. Eventually...?
Meh, I'll respond to them sooner or later!
-Saved SoulWriter
Alright, the editing for chapter one took a while to get to, but I got it done!
Thanks again 3072453, 3197808 & 3206966 And the wonderful 3202941 for helping spot errors and what not!
That includes you too 3208431!
Chapter two will get heavily edited by myself (Since Alchemo is put off by my horror story...) and then I'll put it on G-Docs for ya Andy so you can take a look! Only edit what ya want to though, and don't stress over it, I don't need it immediately as some friends and I are working over a cover art for the story!
Oh and Rain! I hope you are looking forwards to the next chapter, that will hopefully be released sometime next week...? Meh! Might just chuck it up for pre-readers, then make changes over G-Docs with Andy before making any real changes to the work.
3403483
Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrogress! Perhaps in time for Nightmare Night?
Indeed! This progress is most pleasing! It would seem we're both making progress as, barring a catastrophe, mah new chapter should be incoming tomorrow...after a good night's sleep tonight.
3403483 Good luck with the story! As for exactly why I'm not able/willing to proofread future chapters; my thoughts are already dark/grim/gorey enough that I often creep the fuck out of my friends.(like when I told them that the necromorph dogs from Dead Space 3 are absolutely adorable) Reading horror only makes my mind darker, enjoyably so (for me and my girlfriend anyway) but not so much for most of my friends.
3404795
I cant remember when Nightmare Night is...
SURE! I hope that I can get it done by then...
I cant even remember the last time I went Trick or Treating.
...
I meant every word.
3404906
I'm a grim kind'a guy, that's one of the reasons I'm so good with horror, I guess...? Anywho, the horror play I wrote for drama class is going to be preformed next week after Labour weekend. After that I need to study for exams. So I have about three weeks to get the next chapter up and going!
3404978 A play huh? Sounds like fun(if you enjoy drama class). Hope you do well with the play.
3403483
Sounds good, mate. Toss me a Gdoc where you make sure that it has the text and formatting that the original is going to have, and I'll definitely take a look at it for you.
You can either send a link, or pm me for my mail address if you want to give me editing privileges as well(I prefer the latter, since it lets me fix and highlight mistakes when I deem necesseary).
I look forward to seeing what you come up with
3405117
Sure I can give ya Editing privileges for this story, seeing as 3404906 has the rights to TSA Edits ya can take this one. I'll Pm ya in a second so we can share the Email addresses.
I'm just a little confused if the chapter is actually done, or if there are any mistakes... from what I see, there aren't any...
Then again... I could be wrong.
3405169
Well, I didn't think too much about that, it's important to keep the story moving as well as fixing the mistakes. Sometimes its acceptable to overlook a few errors(we can't write like hemmingway, after all) so that you can keep the story moving.
I'm sure I could find something to nitpick over in the first chapter. There will almost always be something! But as it is, I might just do a quick once-over to make sure that nothing is too wrong, if that's alright with you.
Either way, when I ask for editing privileges its really just with the chapter that you are currently writing in mind, but if you want to toss me the first chapter as well, feel free. I can't guarantee that I will put a lot of work in it, though.
3405192
Ehhhhh...
The second chapter is up for the pre-readers anyway, if ya have the password go for it an' take a looksee. If ya don't though? I can send you the password as well as my Email in but a moment.
(Hot-Damn! I love reading as much as Twilight... I'm literally consumed by stories I want to read!
)
In time for Halloween nice
3427680
Eeeyup
I hope ya enjoyed it!
Ah didn't get to read it on Nightmare Night sadly, work and all, but Ah just did and that was well done.
It was just the right amount of creepy and Pinks is working that creepy well!
And now there's this diary....Ah wonder what's written within?
Curiosity is tugging now....curses!
3434498
is something you'll have to wait for, as I don't plan on posting it anytime soon!
And that... my dear friend
Maybe in a couple days...?
3434898
Works for me!
Lol... let the horror, COMMENCE!
This chapter didn't seem to hold that much... scary-ness to it this time...
then again, my nightmares would probably be the stuff of old legends for nightmare moon... xD
3521175
I'm a terrible person when it comes to personal Deadlines I set, so please hold on...?
Hazza...!
A new reader!
Ah, I also see that you enjoyed the first chapter, but not the second.
Don't worry though, I got like two more chapters planned out. Just no clue when to put them up as I haven't even begun editing them.
I-if you don't mind, t-that is...?
3521294 lol... if you like Rio, and horror stories, give this story a read... gave me a nightmare for a few nights;
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7672275/1/Happy-Birthday
Trust me, it is a hardcore story... I had flamed this guy when I first read it... but I still went back and complimented him about it afterwards.
If fluttershy even had a glimpse of this story... then uh oh xD
3521343
Ctrl+D
I'll give it a read in a bit, I'm kind'a busy preparing for a party this weekend with a few friends!
3521357 Ah... Hope you enjoy the party! Try to have some fun for me! xD
3521378
Drink... all the alcohol...?
3521420 eh, I wouldn't say do that. you probably aren't quite as much as a heavy weight as most the people I know.
No, pig out on the twinkies! jk... lol
3521635
Dude, I can handle my drinks.
I'm Half British half Irish.
Plus I've drank before, Vodka doesn't really effect me most of the time.
He’s a serial killer back home and they’re gonna fall in love. He won’t want to leave