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totallynotabrony

totallynotabrony #1 · Aug 14th, 2013 · 1 · · 00 - Babs and Berry ·

The biggest thing that struck me about this story is you seem to cram too many adjectives into one sentence. Let's look at your first paragraph:

It just had ta’ be one a’ dose nights, didn’ it? An’ anotha’ one a’ dose dreams the nutmeg-orange coated mare with the magenta and pink striped, inverted bob cut mane thought to herself.

I know you want a lot of detail, but maybe break it up a little. This also gives you an opportunity for even more description. Below, I've given you an example rewrite.

It just had ta’ be one a’ dose nights, didn’ it? An’ anotha’ one a’ dose dreams the nutmeg-orange mare thought wearily. She shook her head, her bobbed magenta and pink-striped mane bouncing.

I personally feel that you're overdoing it with Babs' Manehattan accent, especially now that she's an adult and working at a professional job. It's sometimes hard to read.

Also,

The mare was hanging lifelessly, as made evident by the enormous, bloody gash that ran from the bottom of her diaphragm to halfway down her stomach.

That's not what I would call enormous. From the bottom of the lungs to the midpoint of the stomach sounds like only a few inches, really.

Overall, the story had good spelling and grammar. Congratulations on finally taking the plunge and writing your first story. I think you may have an interesting idea here. I'll follow it and see where it goes.

JenkinsRevenge