a new world: part 1

its starts out way before nightmare moon and Luna finds a little alicorn named midnight bass.

Chapters (7)

chapter 1 welcome · 6th Aug 2013 · 309 words
309
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chapter 2 special talent · 6th Aug 2013 · 310 words
310
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chapter 3 summer sun celebration · 6th Aug 2013 · 423 words
423
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chapter 4 welcome back · 6th Aug 2013 · 311 words
311
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chapter 5 home · 6th Aug 2013 · 1,177 words
1,177
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chapter 6 a new friend · 6th Aug 2013 · 719 words
719
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end · 6th Aug 2013 · 29 words
29
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Comments ( 6 )

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HiddenUnderACouch

HiddenUnderACouch #1 · Aug 21st, 2013 · · · end ·

This video describes my reaction to this fic.

And now back to serious stuff - first, the grammar. I will be honest here - it's atrocious. Just utterly horrible. I will not make examples, since there are too many.
Second, the story - it is so cliched and boring! Nothing, literally nothing happens to our character until the very end, and that is just inexcusible. I used to write the stories like these when I was back in 5th grade! Also, your OC seems to change his (her?) gender once in a while. First, it's prince Midnight Bass, then it's Princess Midnight Bass.
Third - unnecessary sublots. The whole transdimensional travel subplot was pointless. You just used that to justify the time skip.... which was completely unnececary in its own meaning. If you have no story to tell in such a large period of time between Luna turning into Nightmare Moon and her eventual release from that form, why even have it? Just have your OC fall from the moon AFTER Mane 6's adventures, if your story has nothing to do with these adventures!
Now, the characters themselves - ooh, I swear to Celestia, that's where you bucked up ROYALLY! Luna is out of character, she serves no other purpose but to be a mentor, while in reality she herself has much to learn. And don't make excuses like - it's a different universe, she's like that in my world, that is not an excuse. If you change the character so radically, you have to change the universe as well, so that it would make sense why Luna turned out like she did. Celestia (not capital C, and it's written Celestia, not Celesta) is just nothing, it's only a name, and no character at all. Mane 6 appears to make a cameo and that is all. Why even include them if they serve no purpose to the story and leave no emotional impact on the character? Now to OC - sweet Fluttershy, Mary Sue(Gary Stue?) I smell thee from afar! Your OC isn't even a character - because he has no character traits whatsoever! How are we supposed to sympathize with him(her?) if there is literally nothing to care about? He has no traits at all - he's nothing but a shell of a character for a reader to put himself in. That is not how OC work. If you want to do self-insert, that's fine. You can make self-insert character interesting if you actually put some work and thought into the character, and make sure we, the readers, actually care for him/her.
I can see why nopony's commenting on this story - they just read, enjoyed the lulz, and went on. I, personally, want you to grow as a writer. Please, do not take all this critique I gave you as a discouragement. Read everything I wrote through and through, analyze it, then look through the fic and find the mistakes I pointed out and correct them. Add more detail, more description to your story, describe things our character meets in great detail - we are reading a fic, not watching a movie. We can't see what you see.
I am sure you can do much better than this. I don't know you in real life - but I am pretty sure you are a very nice pony/human being. Just put some effort into your fics if you want to achieve something more than what you got. Stay positive, and be creative. That's all I've got to say! I hope your next attempt at writing will turn out much better!

Midnight bass

Midnight bass #2 · Aug 22nd, 2013 · · · end ·

I under stand that this was not that good and I actually agree with you so I'm going to stop writing part 2 cause iv had no success and its going to take some time to fix it, the only thing i can tell you about the story's that ill be working on is that they don't have to do with me being the hero. So thank you sir for giving me your honest opinion and i apologize for being so careless of my grammar in this story. I hope that in time my other story's with be better than this one.