Darkness Is Magic

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Comment posted by BronyKiller1 deleted Aug 4th, 2013

Shadow Fighter

Shadow Fighter #2 · Aug 4th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 3 ·

Rutting day....okay can't be too bad, right?

"It's where all Stallions gather at the central square, and they mate with every Mare in town me my two friends and the Mane 6 have not participated in it, it can go on for 2 days." She said.

*gets up slowly from chair walks into corner of room and laughs his ass off*

Dragon Blaze-X

Dragon Blaze-X #3 · Aug 4th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 ·

sup dude last I saw you were on fan fic

Davidism

Davidism #4 · Aug 4th, 2013 · 1 · · Info people. ·

Wow... so I read this. And it has potential. It's not godawful to the point that I want to stab my eyes out with my wife's 3DS stylus... yet. That being said. You really need to work on the pacing. This isn't a thirty minute TV slot for a sit-com. You don't have to move things at such a fast paced speed. In real life, if two individuals met, there wouldn't be such quick one dimensional trains of thought, and they wouldn't go from chance encounter, to I'm not going to eat you, to hay you were giving me googly eyes... does that mean sex?

Rutting Day is almost a joke now. I hardly take any stories with it as a premise serious anymore. It's been done, and it's too powerful of a juju for most of the writers here to wield, so my advice is... don't.

Lastly, you need to be careful of breaking the "fifth" wall when writing. And if you don't know what that is... it's having the characters in your story, say or do something that is "Fandom only" like say the word "plot" when she really means her ass... it's not "Canon"... thus having Roseluck refer to the Mane Six as "the mane six" in her dialogue is her breaking the fifth wall. It's super hard to do, it smacks of amateur, and thus it is a no-no.

Now for the good parts.

The grammar isn't too bad. A bit sideways sounding at times. But I didn't have to take my eyes out, and rinse them in Mr Clean to remove all the misplaced commas and em dashes from the lenses. So kudos.

firestripe