Grandiur, an amnesiac unicorn that had barely awoken from unconsciousness, is brought into the care of a small camp in Equestria, ten years after Twilight Sparkle became an alicorn. With the help of Radiant Beam and Crimson Blade, he figures out his destiny slowly but surely. But shortly after his arrival, things around the camp start changing for the worse: dark creatures attacking the civilians, and a revival of the Essence of Darkness. Will Grandiur be able to stop this evil before it demolishes Equestria?
Content rated Teen:
Blood
Gore
Violence
Mild Language
Chapters (6)
Right, so I found it a little unfair that you have a 50-50 vote scale with no comments as to what's good and what's bad. Let's remedy that! After reading a couple of chapters, I think I can pinpoint where your strengths and weaknesses lie.
Opening with an intro video from Youtube. That's certainly... unique? I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It almost seemed like it was to set a mood, but it ended so quickly, I was left with nothing but wondering what it was supposed to do. Perhaps if that's a segment to a longer song, let the song play while the readers immerse themselves in the first chapter. Otherwise, it feels like an opening for a movie that... well, isn't coming.
Your story formatting could use some love. It's essentially a wall of text with indents to show new lines. I'd suggest putting a space between the lines to break it up a little more and make it easier on your reader's eyes.
You seem to have a little bit of an issue with dialogue. Some spoken lines are missing quotation marks, or punctuation, or the formatting is just off. I'm not sure if you've taken a look through Ezn's Writing Guide or not, but I would strongly recommend doing that. It has a lot of answers that I think could help you out a ton and maybe give you a few more upvotes.
The story itself seems interesting enough, but the rest is such a pitfall that I think people may be getting caught up in that and not making it very far.
With friendship and magic,
— DQ
3122174
Thanks! That was exactly what I was looking for. I will read the guide and see what it recommends.
As for the dialog mishaps, I will look into fixing that. This is my first published story, after all. It isn't without its mistakes.
3125240
Hey, to err is human.
I just think it's unfair when people down vote without giving a reason.