Changing Friendship

This is a story from my Fanfiction account where I make all my stories. It's about a changeling trying to steal the elements. I figured I'd post it here. This was done a while ago so I'm not sure on some of the words that I put but I definitely will check them before submitting. I hope you all like it. Has OCs.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 4
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Elixir

Elixir #1 · Jul 9th, 2013 · · ·

1)Alrighty, here comes a full-on critical review, prepare your
First Paragraph
1) There are ranks as well. I'm the youngest one to be up as high as I am . I used to have my own platoon as This should be a comma to keep a flow to the paragraph

2) well but during a mission they were killed because of a mistake I made , We were in the Canterlot castle trying to steal the key to access the Elements of Harmony. I didn't clean up my tracks well sneaking in so they were waiting for us behind a wall to our right , I told them to head out first but They were quickly thrusted into [/b ] spears and killed. just a general dislike for this paragraph, into should of been "onto", the description is too brief for a gore fic and besides everything is too split up and jolty for reading

3) I managed to cling to a ceiling out of the guard's sight , After they ran off to find me I landed but I could hear two voices coming down a hallway , I transformed into a guard to fool them. It was Princess Celestia and Luna , needs new paragraph or distinction for new time frame I managed to barely fool them.
Weeks had passed with me hiding in Canterlot until the strange thing everypony calls "Discord" came back. he is a changeling, he wouldn't of used "everypony", more explination needed on the discord subject

Second Paragraph
1) I eavesdropped and watched a conversation in a long hallway where I saw the elements were in a wall that could only be opened with Celestia's horn. quite long sentence to describe what you are trying to say, take more time on it. Also Oorag seems to know a lot what wouldn't of been able to be known from sight alone
2)
I flew out as fast as I could to our base in the canyons NO full stops here, explain the journey so your work isn't constantly split up The Queen didn't care about the platoon here again She asked me to go back after Discord was gone and retrieve the elements again It was night when I went back again Luna was out on a balcony watching the city again I transformed into another guard to gain entrance to the castle again "Once I was in a silently killed two guards that were in the same exact hallway" this makes no sense 1) explain the killings 2) describe the surrounding area . I transformed into Celestia to open the secret compartment at the end. describe what happens, where he walks and what the transformation is like, these things add variety.
Third Paragraph
1) It was the first time I transformed into a form as big as them and a mare. It felt unusual but I shrugged it off. I trotted down to the end silently and put my new long horn into the same hole as Celestia did. The whole compartment opened but to my dismay I found nothing in there. An alarm went off. I apparently triggered a magic device.. As before most of these full stops can be replaced with other punctuation. also explain what everything he sees looks like, for those who haven't seen the episode this will be deeply confusing. the descriptions in this are better though so keep working on it.
2) I transformed back into my regular form and flew back faster than ever to the base. "The Queen was not happy at this moment" Wrong tense , or ; She stripped me of my army status very harsh treatment for something so petty and a comma or linking needed here. She did not banish me which I was thankful for but I thought my powers would go away explanation needed a good parar. but still has it's core problems seen across this fic.
Fourth Paragraph (I think)
1)
But I remembered that when changelings first start in the army, as usual they are dumb and have little changing power. As they progress in rank though Chrysalis grants them free knowledge and freedom in thinking along with power. As power was gained transformations became more convincing. First would come flawless appearance, then mastery of their voice, and then personality (pretty much memories) which is only some pony at my level can achieve. But for some reason the Queen lacks the personality. Getting much better here with longer sentences and links but some connection between this and the next sentence would be good. During my time as a civilian in the canyons I was mocked by every changeling. They were not as smart as me though. Only one was and he was someone I'd call a pal. His name is Bergrow. He was the same rank as me. When he wasn't on a mission we'd hangout in the camps only to be yelled at by General Farrlow. He was the biggest prick of them all. I hate him with all my guts. definitely better but "I hate him with all my guts" is very blunt and isolated from the rest, no reason is given and could be used effectively.
Final Lines
1) Well its been a couple weeks since I was stripped of my status. General walked into my little hut. "Well" is used for the present and not a past retelling, it doesn't fit with the rest of your writing style.

"Hey the Queen wishes to see you." The general said. I got up and flew over to her in ground castle. The chambers held high personnel guards including Bergrow. I bowed to the Queen. The paragraph is again very broken up and needs work and the General seems very informal to someone he hates

Final Views
You have a good story with a good idea and plot but until you can overcome the errors e.g. too many full stops; not enough explanation; not gory enough for gore and on overall anything I have mentioned, I will follow this fic and hope to see some improvements, you can make this a good laugh or a tumbling fall, if you want a good fic put the effort in and proofread allot.
I hope to see some improvements next chapter
Elixir