There is a rumor in Ponyville of a place out of the way, on the border of the Everfree forest. No, this isn't Fluttershy's cottage, or Sweet Apple Acres. This is a much more remote place, and much closer to the forest in it's location, and in it's dark foreboding nature.
All you need to do is follow the path you'd take in the running of the leaves, and turn right at every fourth fork in the road, or so the story goes. Eventually you'll come across of a wrought iron gate and a cobblestone road leading up to the house on the hill. The first thing you'll notice is how dark the grove is. Then you hear the noise coming from the house. Something between a skitter and a moan, loud and soft, a sound that makes hoofs shake and teeth chatter.
Now, that's as far as most ponies go, but you lot are curious six aren't you? You just have to know what's making that racket. Well, go ahead then, but don't say I didn't warn you.
(I have no rights over the property of Betrayal at House on the Hill. Don't sue me Wizard! D:)
I think you can do some very interesting things with the concept and plotline you have. You just have to find another way to hook the viewers, in my opinion this is rather uninteresting and confusing for me. Although I believe this story is meant for people who have experienced this 'Betrayal at House on the Hill'. But to me, a reader who has never heard of this, it didn't hook me in at all.
Although I found the character introductions interesting, albeit different.
~Trebass
Yeah, this story has potential, but it needs interesting stuff. I like the style of writing that you're going for, but there needs to be something more.