Intro:
Octavia sat on the couch of her shared apartment sipping her tea, It was midday the sun was shining reflecting off the clear brown liquid as the small fragments of tea leaves stirred two bright purple irises watching there gentle swirling motion it was time. As if right on cue the door in the back room swung open hitting the wall with a loud thud screechy yelling was heard in the background.
"That's the last time Scratch! Get some other pony to be your late night booty call!"
Chapters (1)
The story is very nice...
but you really need to work your punctuation.
there are many sentence which don't have capital letters or period...
if you can change that, that could become a very good fic!
Basically what Mariacheat said. It's a lovely idea, but the punctuation and capitalization need work.
@Emotion Plus...
1. I also agree with Mariacheat-Brony & Daft Pony. You have a solid story-premise and set-up, but you need some serious editing & clean-up work. I would strongly advise finding an editor &/or proofreader(s).
2. Usually, sloppy technical writing gets an automatic thumbs-down from me, regardless of story-quality. However, as I said, you have a solid story-premise, with good potential; so I will hold off on making a final judgment on that regard, to see if you manage to repair & clean things up.
3. Oh, and as some refinement suggestions...
- a. Octavia Melody is usually short-named "Tavi" by most of the fan-writers' writing.
- b. To better contrast between DJ PON-3 (Vinyl Scratch) & Octavia Melody: Octavia should use very few (if none at all) contractions in her speech, where-as Vinyl can freely use contractions &/or slang (but do not go overboard with slang, it kills reader interest quick, so always be careful when using slang).
good suggestions from the others. I can see the story in there you intended to write among the run-on sentences and missing punctuation. the pacing could be a bit slower.
there's a number of octavia and vinyl groups and even a prereader one if you're wondering how to find someone to edit your story. check them out, you might be surprised. even twilight needed help finding things in her library, and she's supposed to be this big scholar
2675621 Heh thanks for the feedback i never was the one for writing but ill deff get a proof reader i mean if it will improve it any chance you have a link for one of these groups/editor people im kinda new to this hole shizbiz so i don't really know what i'm looking for ^^
2675388 Thanks for the feedback ill get to fixing my mistakes asap ^^
Good story. Keep it up. I want to read another chapter.
2677732 Awesome ill keep it up ^^ although ill be improving my next chapter this one was missing alot :(
2677309
There is always The Proofreader Group to start with. also some Vinyl and Octavia groups with willing pre readers to go through your story. you'll see them when you do a group search.
2677309...
I agree with mid endian, find & recruit an editor &/or proofreaders.
I would also advise first fixing & cleaning up what you have first, before continuing your story. Better to start with a clean & solid foundation before building the next floor up
.
This also gives editors/proofreaders time to review your next chapter(s), while you fix up/clean up Chapter 1.
Must. Not. Grammar Nazi.
Must. Not. Re-Type. Fic.
Why. Am. I. Talking. Like. This?
2690664 I'm sorry i'm really not much of a writer XD When i read a fic the grammar doesn't bother me as long as it has not spelling mistakes and it isn't a confusing story :P But by the looks of things grammar really bothers people here so i think i may jut stick to drawing its a lot easier XD
2679791 Awesome thanx for the link ill be sure to fix it up asap should i jut fix the second chapter instead of worrying about the first? or should i fix both?
the important part is seeing your work after it's been proofread. make sure they're not changing parts of the story though, just grammar, spelling, and sentence structure (think that's part of grammar too)
you'll eventually fix both, but remember that chapter 1 is the first part of your story everyone will read, so if that gets a bad reception, less people will want to read your other chapters. might be best to not post another chapter until you've cleaned up the ones you have first.
2695889 hmm good point thnx for the tips ^^
2695710
And now I feel bad.
It's not that it's a bad story, it's really good, I just have OCD. So no, don't stop writing. Maybe just get somebody to do a quick once-over for you before publishing?
I would be happy to proof-read your grammar if you would like. You really do have a good story here, and it would be a shame if you gave up.
data.whicdn.com/images/48904992/Now-you-have-my-attention._large.jpg
ME WANT MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While the story line has my mentality set to "Me Gusta
", My mind notices all the grammatical errors, such as the run on sentences, and my brain starts dancing to the tune of "Insert comma here 
, separate these ideas like so~...
, If this is spoken quickly remove the spaces thusly...
Capital letters in these spots 
"
Make no mistake, I adore the story. I simply wish to encourage your writing to improve. As I'm sure many on this site will agree. I wouldn't mind seeing more work by you, helping you whenever I can.