Oblivion

Source

Warning: Strong language and ALOT of Vinyl X Octavia.

You hug me now, but I won't cry.

Chapters (3)

Chapter 1 : The crash · 3rd May 2013 · 497 words
497
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Chapter 2 : Hospital · 4th May 2013 · 845 words
845
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Chapter 3 : Suffering · 5th May 2013 · 379 words
379
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Comments ( 10 )

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afterceasetoexist

afterceasetoexist #1 · May 7th, 2013 · 1 · · Chapter 3 : Suffering ·

So.. Strong Language, cheesy romance, and this is rated E?

Jphyper

Jphyper #2 · May 7th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 : Suffering ·

Issues: Incorrect tags. Incorrect rating. Lack of detail/immersion.

The themes and strong language mean this needs to be rated Teen.

Let me explain the difference between the "Sad" and "Tragedy" tags. "Sad" means the bulk of the story is sad, but the ending is less so, if it isn't entirely a happy ending. "Tragedy" means just the end is sad- the story has a "downer ending". Basically, "Sad" is for after the tragedy, while "Tragedy" is if the plot follows the tragedy itself. Depending on where you go with this, I don't see how the "Dark" tag applies, either; at least, not from what's been written so far. It's all in the site's FAQ.

And now for the problems of the story itself. You have no details. There's a phrase that says, "show, don't tell." This isn't really a story; it's mostly a transcript written in prose form. Their reactions make sense in context... but you left out most of that context. Describe the settings as the characters see them. Let us know what they're thinking. Have 'em dwell on the past a bit to show us how they got this way. Canonically, Vinyl & Octavia have never met, and here you're shipping them.

There's no reason why your chapters shouldn't be at least 1500 words.

Dr Nafario

Dr Nafario #3 · May 8th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 : Suffering ·

pretty good

REXXltm

REXXltm #4 · May 9th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 : Suffering ·

i liked it and cant wait to read more little tip add a little more detail

SymphonyOfSilence

SymphonyOfSilence #5 · May 10th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 : Suffering ·

It's my first fic, thanks for the feedback

LillyBreeze

LillyBreeze #6 · Jun 22nd, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 : Suffering ·

Jphyper I know you were tring to point something out but it was a bit harsh the way you said it. you could have been nicer. THis is her first fanfic. if you wanna insult mine go ahead. just be nicer about it please. but great story. it made me cry I love it