Oblivion

by SymphonyOfSilence

Chapter 3 : Suffering

"Meadow song?" Vinyl gulped. "Octavia's ex."

---

Vinyl stepped out into the sunlight. She had a large cast over her knee, around her neck and under her body. She sighed, looking back at the hospital. A crowd of ponies suddenly appeared. Their cameras flashed wildly. Vinyl winced at the bright flashes.
"Vinyl! Is it true that the train crash was to kill you?"
"Hello Mrs. Scratch, can you please tell us why you had a little fiasco in the hospital corridors?"
"DJ-PON3! When will your new single be out?!" Vinyl felt her heart drop. How did they find out? She looked behind at the nurse who was escorting her out. She was flipping through a bunch of blood money. She saw Vinyl looking at her and gave a quick smile, her cheeks turning red. She bolted back into the hospital. Vinyl snarled, about to go after her when she let it slide. Let it go, Scratch. She took a deep breath and breathed out. She began to walk forward, pushing weakly past the paparazzi.

When Vinyl arrived home, her cottage was surrounded by more reporters. She sighed, and climbed into bed. Vinyl ran her hoof down where Octavia usually lay. She suddenly heard a bang. The door had been forced open and the reporters flooded into her bedroom.
"GO AWAY!" Vinyl screamed, throwing a picture at them. They backed away, then took more pictured. She threw a pillow, knocking a camera out of a young stallions hand. The camera shattered. They all gasped and bolted off, shutting the door behind them. It was that moment when Vinyl realized what she had done.

She crawled out of bed, looking a the photo she had thrown. It was a picture of Octavia. She was on stage, playing her Cello. Her mane was swinging from side to side from her movement, and her face concentrated. Her beautiful violet eyes were slightly open, looking into Vinyls. There was a slight smirk at the corner of her mouth. The photo had been ruined from the big crack across her eyes. Vinyl burst into tears, pressing her head to the picture. She curled up and cried herself to sleep on the mauve carpet.

Comments

[afterceasetoexist]

So.. Strong Language, cheesy romance, and this is rated E?

[Jphyper]

Issues: Incorrect tags. Incorrect rating. Lack of detail/immersion.

The themes and strong language mean this needs to be rated Teen.

Let me explain the difference between the "Sad" and "Tragedy" tags. "Sad" means the bulk of the story is sad, but the ending is less so, if it isn't entirely a happy ending. "Tragedy" means just the end is sad- the story has a "downer ending". Basically, "Sad" is for after the tragedy, while "Tragedy" is if the plot follows the tragedy itself. Depending on where you go with this, I don't see how the "Dark" tag applies, either; at least, not from what's been written so far. It's all in the site's FAQ.

And now for the problems of the story itself. You have no details. There's a phrase that says, "show, don't tell." This isn't really a story; it's mostly a transcript written in prose form. Their reactions make sense in context... but you left out most of that context. Describe the settings as the characters see them. Let us know what they're thinking. Have 'em dwell on the past a bit to show us how they got this way. Canonically, Vinyl & Octavia have never met, and here you're shipping them.

There's no reason why your chapters shouldn't be at least 1500 words.

[Dr Nafario]

pretty good

[REXXltm]

i liked it and cant wait to read more little tip add a little more detail

[SymphonyOfSilence]

It's my first fic, thanks for the feedback

[LillyBreeze]

Jphyper I know you were tring to point something out but it was a bit harsh the way you said it. you could have been nicer. THis is her first fanfic. if you wanna insult mine go ahead. just be nicer about it please. but great story. it made me cry I love it

[SymphonyOfSilence]

Thank you

[Gentle Spy]

This is complete? Really?

[SymphonyOfSilence]

There's a sequel under the works a the moment.

[Osiris Melody]

what is the sequel's name I must find out what happens