If the Democratic presidential candidates were Overwatch characters: · 4:05pm Dec 5th, 2019
Joe Biden is: Reinhardt
"Charge! It is time for me to charge off into battle once again! I long for the days of battle! Of my former commander! Of not bothering to bring my helmet! Yes, I am trying to steal all the glory and it's obvious that I can't possibly win by myself, but I'm still going to charge ahead and destroy the team's chances because this is all about me! It's been all about me for seventy years and I see no reason for that to change now! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to abandon all of you, clog a vital path, and pretend it's everyone else's fault. Just like the old days!"
Elizabeth Warren is: Moira
"Now, I have a very simple plan. I'm going to heal everyone. How does that work? Well, first I have to hurt everyone. At the same time. It's a well-established fact that you can't heal without hurting, and that's why I'm going to hurt you as much as possible, in order to make sure you feel better. This is all based on well-established research which I refuse to show anyone and thanks to my personal Congressional plan, never have to go so far as to test on myself. But I would if I had to! Now will everyone please stop asking about my hairstyle? I self-identify as an electrocution victim. There was a scholarship slot for that."
Andrew Yang is: Wrecking Ball
"I'm down here. Down here. Way down in the polls. Keep looking down... keep looking... can you even hear me? Fine. ULTIMATE: TWITTER FOLLOWERS MINEFIELD! You won't be able to take a single step without having one of my obsessives blow up your thread! Because they back me and only me! Once I'm gone, they'll stop playing entirely! This means you can't win without me! Sure, none of them understand how to win with me, but that's not the point! You're going to respect me or I'll *squeak* *squeak* *chitter* *squeak*!"
Pete Buttigieg is: Baptiste
"So I'm strangely popular."
"Yep."
"Even though I just got here, have very little practical use, currently can't operate on my own, and mostly just serve as a mobile target for those who refuse to believe I could ever be part of this game."
"Seems so."
"I somehow have a chance to be a significant player in this thing."
"Looks like."
"So that means people are going to be investigating my full background and using it against me."
"As always."
"Crap."
Michael Bloomberg is: Sigma
"The universe is singing to me. The universe has told me to run for President. Absolutely no one in the universe wanted this to happen, but how are they supposed to argue with the actual universe? I will now use my incredible financial powers to rip every straw out of sodas, compress them into a tiny ball, and fire them into the sun. Because that's what's wrong with the world. Also, I will not permit anyone to drink soda any more. I blissfully float above the world, possessing no true contact with it and completely unaware of the screaming I bring in my wake. Or completely uncaring. I'm not sure, because I'm too busy listening to the universe. And nothing else. -- what do you mean, the opposition's poll numbers just went up?"
Amy Klobuchar is: Orisa
"Of course I understand what I'm talking about! Do you think I was born yesterday? I was born a month ago! That's completely different!"
Bernie Sanders is: Zenyatta
"We must have harmony. We must have peace. We will achieve harmony and peace by completely detaching ourselves from everything about the real world. And should peace not be achieved through granting me the nomination, those who follow me shall punish harmony by acting as Orbs of Discord for the entire election. Again. ...look, I just founded this religion. I have no control over how everyone else is interpreting the tenets. Now sing with me. Om. Oooom. Socialoooooooomism..."
Cory Booker is: Lucio
"I may have legitimate points to make. I'm probably faster than anyone else in this pack. I move in ways no one expects and when you're not looking, I can knock you over the edge and run away laughing. I am young, quick, and the future of this team. But do you know what else I am? Annoying. Because I can do everything I just said, better than you can. And I will never shut up about any of it."
Tulsi Gabbard is: Genji
"I need healing! And coverage! I need more coverage!"
"...you've spent the entire match scouting. For the enemy team."
"ULTIMATE DEFLECTION! WIDOWMAKER CLINTON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"
Hillary Clinton is: Widowmaker
"Don't mind me. I'm just going to stand right out here in the open on this completely obvious media perch and pick you all off when you're not looking. Nothing to worry about whatsoever."
and now for something completely different
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b8QWJJNSsg8
This is the kind of political analysis the world needs.
I still maintain the entire Republican party is Invader Zim.
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That's not a man with three buttocks!
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Nah, Zim can convince nearly everyone else in his universe that he's human.
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Yeah, but most news outlets are Dib.
I vaguely get the last one, since I have aware that Hilary Clinton exists and that Widowmaker in context is a Character Off Of Overwatch, but only by internet osmosis.
The rest of it...
*makes whoosing gesture indicating it passes completely over his head*
Kinda like listening to my sisters (both of whom work in the hospital and are unimpressed by the level of competance of Nanny's ward) and lunch talking about what "obs" level Nanny should have been on and I was like "now I have some idea what it is like to hear people chanting modifiers at each other in D&D or something if you don't play..."
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Incidentally, I was thinking of writing a one-shot Mature all-dialogue story about Luna and Twilight having the worst sexual roleplay session ever.
The title would be Natural Ones.
I appreciate your willingness to roast both sides equally XD
Never knew I wanted this till I read it
Really, Estee? I’m certain you can shit on Gabbard without resorting to repeating Hillary’s slander.
That Berny Sanders analyse almost killed me....it´s just perfect....
But I´m curious....who is Trump ?
I didn’t know you even played Overwatch. (When do you even have the time?)
5164769
That explains why Trump lies about his height.
... kinda childish
5164806
Wrong version of 'enemy team'.
Y'want me to be blunt? She's a failed show dog. She steps onto the stage. She yaps. Then she has a public accident and immediately starts barking at every other dog because somehow, it's their fault that she has no control. She isn't a candidate: she's a traveling View audition. She has a less coherent policy structure than Vermin Supreme, and I just compared her negatively to a man whose platform is built around free ponies for all and having a zombie apocalypse prevention strategy. Which may or may not require having a free pony.
She wants to know why she doesn't get more coverage? Because we already have enough dumpster fires, and getting close enough to film one means being in range of the smell.
Insanity does not have a singular party affiliation. And the only thing she's done with her power is demonstrate why she should never have any more of it.
Now ask me how I really feel about Bill DeBlasio. Because at this point, I'm pretty sure the last decent mayor of New York City was Fiorello LaGuardia.
(Republican, incidentally.)
(Great politician. Lousy airport.)
(Snerk!)
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I was trying to match the quality level of the debates.
This is one of those blogs where I post, shrug, and quietly wait for my follower/sponsor count to drop. But if the GOP Class Of '16 was the clown car (and got identified as such in that earlier blog), then the Donkeys Of '20 is three rings, all whips, and a collective failure to recognize that circuses are going bankrupt. I was, put mildly, completely fed up with just about everyone on all sides, and that was before the field contracted a terminal case of Bloomberg. Behold the only man alive who can make Howard Schultz look like a model of restraint, for he hath listened to the will of the person. Not the people. He consults the wind, and hears only the echoes of his own voice. Michael Bloomberg: the political equivalent of Vorbis.
But hey, at least that means he's just.
like.
everyone.
else.
...'fed up' may have been far too mild a term.
It is during election season that I like to examine the etymology of the word Politics.
"Poli" from the Greek Word meaning "Many"
and Ticks, meaning "Blood-Sucking Parasites"
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The point of Democracy is that were supposed to be able to just get rid of those ones.
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I haven’t been watching the debates. Partly from time restraints, mostly because I’m not going to be invested. Even with the ones I don’t like, I already gauged that they’re better than the current shitshow. I have no reason to sink much energy into this fight. (But yes, Tulsi is a bad joke and fuck Bloomberg).
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Granted. That's why I'm hoping for Farcical Aquatic Ceremonies 2020.
I don't play Overwatch. Most I know about it comes from fan art of the really cool-looking/hot babes that keep showing up in my DeviantArt front page because cool-looking/hot babes is always trending. So... is there a joke character? Like a deadly clown or something? If there is, I vote we just name all of the candidates from both parties as that character.
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Obviously Trump is Guile from Street Fighter. Everything from the hair to the physique matches.
You might be thinking, “That’s not the same game.” To that I say, “Does it look like they are competing in the same game as him?”
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I get the frustration, but I think it’s dangerous to equate the people/entities who do and don’t acknowledge climate change. Or who do and don’t tolerate anti-vaxxers. Or- I could go on.
BTW the character that probably fits your description most is Junkrat, the Australian demolitions hobo.
This is objectively hilarious, which is why I’m struggling to overcome a total sense of humor failure
Bloomberg Hillary and Bernie are helping a lot with that.
Though I’d also point out that Mayor Pete is clearly Orissa: inexperienced, well meaning, and PAINFULLY earnest.
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And that's how he won. Nobody could stop him because nobody could figure out what he was doing, not even Trump himself.
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What do we need to do to make this happen?
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An analyst finally figured it out. The Trump Administration is just his newest reality show. What can he say or do to top last week's ratings, how does he keep his name in the news, etc.
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I like how instead of maturely and intelligently responding to criticism people just slap on a downvote. Like that big red thumbs-down makes them right or morally superior or something.
Yang is probably the best bet. He's everything that Trump promised to be.
I voted Romney in 2012, because I lived in Massachusetts where Romneycare paid for some of the best schools in the nation as well as my grandma's specialist visits and expensive medications to keep her alive with COPD. ACA as written was about 90% cribbed from Masshealth, so I have no doubts that Romney would have pushed it on a federal level and it would have slid through with no problems due to him being White, Rich, and Red.
But now I live in North Carolina. So I only vote local, state, and Senate/Representative. Because living in a
welfareRed state your votes for Presidency don't mean shit because gerrymandering mean only Repug votes get counted.5164794
I do remember a good one from back in the day, with PAINFULLY RESEARCHED AND ACCURATE COSTUMING AND ETC.
Cadence and Shiny crash it by showing up as 'invading barbarians' with suction cup bows and foam horned helmets, causing a Twiggles nerdrage meltdown.
Biden isn't Reinhart.
Biden is a Soldier from Tf2, who still hasn't started playing the same game everyone else is.
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Remember that line I used way back when? Blocking spares you, reporting spares everyone? Here's an amendment: upvotes and downvotes don't accomplish a damned thing. Like, if one of my comments gets a bunch of upvotes, there's no real way to tell which jokes/references/headcanons were landing and how often, so it's just not useful feedback for me. Unless, of course, the jokes were at a single person's expense and it has exactly one downvote. That tells me something useful about the target's maturity level.
Continuing my own set.
Bernie is Soldier 76, very old and fighting hard but refuses to play with others because of a misguided sense of sticking to his principles.
Warren IS Moira, probably the smartest one in the room and damaging the enemy to heal her own team. With a perhaps unwarranted sense of persecution.
Booker is Baptiste, a well rounded and solid choice with a particular charm but overshadowed by flashier characters and with an ultimate that’s unfortunately easy to counter.
Gabbard is Symmetra, well meaning but over sensitive and being manipulated by sinister forces.
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I remember that! It was a stitch!
5164827
Michael Bloomberg: at last, a man who can stand up for all the disenfranchised Michael Bloombergs in the country.
I'm still out of the loop a bit, but it seems like all or nearly all of the candidates are playing a game of "I can promise more free stuff than anyone else".
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There's also Wrecking Ball, mentioned in the blog itself. In case it wasn't clear there, the character himself is literally a hamster in a mech-suit that can curl up into a ball and run people over. Junkrat's still a decent choice though.
For the record: to all appearances, this blog did cost me one follower. And so I offer the recently departed words which they will likely never see. Something which may apply to every political gathering and belief system which has ever existed.
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I'm going to make the dual mistake of answering these questions together and seriously.
For Paul: Overwatch really doesn't have a direct equivalent to Dan Hibiki. Some players divide the characters into tiers based on typical game effectiveness: the lowest rank I saw currently hosts Mei, Roadhog, and Sombra (not that one). However, top-level players are all about Damage Per Second and Area Denied added to Where's My Healing?: those with more esoteric roles are seen as having little value in a 'professional' game. And in terms of that precious DPS, some are weaker than others, while a number of older characters have been replaced by more effective newer ones. The game has a number of bad habits, and high on the list is making the Kewl New Toy so Kewl that it ruins all of the old pieces.
(Mei requires knowing where your team is at all times. Roadhog takes expert positioning, but can catch a lot of people by surprise. Sombra is arguably the best ambush character and can harass/troll an entire opposing team into ragequit -- in the right hands.)
I'm pretty sure the development team holds the world speed record for Release To Nerf. But for the new Doomfist players who got in before the patch, 'twas a magical twenty minutes...
For DT: Here's what I like about Overwatch.
* The animated shorts. (Seriously, Blizzard, just go full series already.)
* Quite a bit of the music.
* The voice acting.
* All the detail which goes into the maps.
* Character personalities as demonstrated through animation. There's a study for the enterprising student in every intro shot.
* Interactions between characters in the waiting room.
Here's what I hate.
* The majority of the gameplay. 'Here are five things you can do. Now go do them at a speed which would make a Starcraft player look drugged. Oh, and prepare to die. A lot. You are one of the premiere heroes in this world's timeline and you have a projected lifespan of twelve seconds.'
* Quite a bit of the community, which generally has a toxicity DC save of 20 at all times.
* The constant nerfs, buffs, never-ending joke that is 'game balance', and the devs love of wrecking the game by introducing a new character with no thought as to how that's going to to interact with everything else, followed by 'solving' the problem with another new character, and then another new character, and then...
* The sports league. 'Gosh, look at all of those button presses. On teams!'
* Lootboxes. Just... lootboxes.
* Equipable voice line limits. 'We are running the best combat engine on the market. It allows each character to say four whole things!'
* Blizzard.
I don't play. As with all group team shooters, I don't have the reflexes, equipment, or experience. Being screamed at constantly while waiting for the fortieth respawn becomes boring fast. And to me, it isn't a fun game to watch: you can't really track the full field of action. But it's beautifully shot, and the characters are fun.
It would make for a great series. But as a game? Meh...
5164806
You’ve obviously never lived in Hawaii.
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Does anyone remember the name of this old story?
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A tribute/spiritual sequal to Naked Singularity ?
Treading dangerous ground here. And probably funnier if I knew more about Overwatch.
Still found it funny, though. :)
(I mean, a bit annoyed at the portrayal of my preferred candidate, of course, but fortunately I have a good enough sense of humor to get past that. :D
(And it's not as if you didn't spread it around. :)))
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Oh no. :D
(I am laughing so much at the mere idea. :D
Looking forward to seeing it if you do write it. :))
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Ah, so not just stories you can write quite sharp reviews of, I see.
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Yeeep. I mean, unlike you, I find one of those people sufficiently not bad that I'm planning to vote for them (not in the primary, as I'm in a state with a closed Democratic primary and registered as an independent; I'm planning to (probably) write them in in the general), but, ah, what I'm expecting is another Trump victory. Because the Democrats appear to have looked at how they shot themselves in the foot in 2016 and decided that there's nothing wrong with their aim, how dare you suggest that... they just need a machine gun this time.
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I'm also wondering.
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America: Where you have a choice between people who will die for a man clealry suffering from dementia, or people who consistently lose to a man suffering from dementia.
5165015
Hooraaaaay...
Still haven't played Overwatch; the most advanced system I own is the Gamecube.
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Man, last I remember hearing about it (secondhand), Mei was an unstoppable juggernaut.
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I think it might have been a Georg writeoff entry? Definitely a short entry in a pile like that.
5165015
We’re reaching a point where dementia is almost an endearing trait. I’ve met elderly people who aren’t completely there, and at least their first instinct upon encountering any object or person was how to bilk, insult or grope it.
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Dementia involves losing parts of yourself. Consider how core to his personality these three things must be to be preserved for so long. (And Estee, consider your mother's naked hostility towards you the same way. That was always a part of her, it's just that most of the other parts are gone)
Honestly, I don't have much of a problem with this. Even characterizing old Joe as a Don Quixote-esque old fart is kinda funny.
My only problem?
I don't know enough about Overwatch to really skewer Donald Trump properly with my own comparison.
5164998
Democrats don't want a machine gun for that. How rude! No, clearly the goal is to run over that foot with a Tesla Cybertruck loaded with a half ton stack of sacks full of gluten free flour!