If the GOP's presidential candidates were Team Fortress 2 classes: · 9:00pm Apr 8th, 2015
Ted Cruz: Scout
"Look at me! I'm first! Always first! Right in your face! I am never getting out of your face! And I know I'm going to win because the last guy who won was a Scout! Who's stupid and ugly and has absolutely nothing in common with me despite the fact that some of you idiots might look at our births and fathers and outside influence and -- shut up! Shut up, stupid! Can't you see I've already won? Because I'm first!"
Donald Trump: Engineer
"Thousand-mile southern wall going up!"
"Gotta have more metal! All of your metal!"
"Need a bankruptcy declaration here!"
Rand Paul: Spy
"Am I a libertarian? Moderate? Am I on the right for this issue? Could I venture into the left? What makes you think I even know? All you can be sure of is that I'll wear any mask I need to get the job done, and at the end of the day... I was never really on your side..."
Ben Carson: Soldier
"I have been preparing for the gay invasion for the last three years!"
"None of you are welcome in my world! That's why I have to be in charge of it!"
"Let me shoot this interview off at my own feet! Shark jump! Credibility jump! Ratings plummet!"
"You cannot use my own words against me! Quoting me in context is an act of treason! Also, I have no actual memory of what I just said!"
Michael Huckabee: Medic
"Your only health problem is a lack of Jesus. Here, have a Jesus shot. No, hold still. I don't care if you're already on another deity. I am going to open up your chest, stick Jesus into your heart, and you will like it. There we go... Jesus installed. Feeling better now? No? Do you know what the solution for that is? Jesus ÜberCharge!"
Carly Fiorina: Demoman
"Liberals cause droughts." *drink* "It's a fact. Anyone with one eye could see that." *drink* "Liberals absorb water. I absorb... better than water." *drink* "Look, you need me to go up against the other Demoman. I can charge mindlessly. I can blow stuff up. And I can do it all against the other team without anyone calling me sexist." *drink* "You've got more Loch Ness Monsters in the party than you've got the likes of me." *drink* "Now, give me back my detonators. I'm almost sure I put the bombs on their side this time."
Rick Santorum: Pyro
*multiple videos of trying to set rest of team on fire*
*meaningless mumbling noises spoken through a glazed mask*
*ashes of Constitution drift through what's left of the air*
*Santorumland perspective shot shows happy skipping cherubs singing their way to fluffy clouds*
Mitt Romney: Heavy
"Everyone has already seen me run. Everyone knows what happens when I try to run. And yet, some members of team insist that this time, if I really put mind to it, I could run. I am wearing my Gloves Of Not Running Again Urgently. Go away."
Absolutely Nobody: Sniper
Haven't seen a direct hit yet.
I am so going to pay for this one.
No Jeb Bush?
See, this is why I don't unfollow you.
2961584
Currently, he's the Tenth Class: Civilian. Everyone knows he exists, but he won't admit it. He could go Sniper if he ever bothers to leave the spawning area.
I came thisclose to putting Lindsey Graham as Miss Pauling.
I think a Chris Christie would be a better Heavy, and there's Bobby Jindal to consider as well. Seriously... more potential GOP candidates than you could beat upside the head with a 2x4. Mostly cause the 2x4 would break on a few of their heads.
2961645
I couldn't fit everyone in, especially since Jeb probably is the only Sniper in the pack. The touring car has been getting a little crowded.
In the light of his portrait, Boby Jindal could be Merasmus. "Abracaucasian! Melanin count disappear!"
Chris Christie as the Heavy... feels a little cheap, and he doesn't have a lot of political weight to throw around. I'm also not sure he's going to actually declare. Plus I was really dedicated to the Romney joke.
The Koch Brothers nearly made it in, but I couldn't decide between Administrator (keep right on killing each other: no matter who wins, we make a profit) or the Manns.
ETA: The real loss may be not having Ted Cruz as Pyro: he's demonstrated a Burn The Mother Down philosophy a few times before this. But as first out of the gate. Scout seemed slightly more appropriate.
Less politics, more chapter updates.
There is no award great enough for this majesty.
I named my GRU "Russian Around"
and my Escape Plan "Pickax of Fleeing"
I regret nothing
I feel like we're merely picking the lesser of...several evils
Still evil, but maybe we'll find one that won't turn the US into a radioactive wasteland
...should I be worried I've started saving bottle caps for the past few months?
I've had premonitions of mine come to pass with alarming regularity over my lifetime
2961705
This is how I'm getting myself back to comedy. Now if the universe would just let me exhale for a week...
Well, Cruz certainly has the catch phrase down: Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother, I hurt people.
Incidentally, you know it's a potentially fun blog post when you keep glancing at your Followers list to see how much the number's dropped.
This is funny.
2961846
Nothing yet, but it's early.
(The number also tends to change by one or two in both directions, without notice. I think that may be people going on and coming back from temporary bans.)
2961730
My Sydney Sleeper is "The Pissrifle". My Holy Mackerel is "The Divine Ghoti". Eventually I'll feel like dropping money on the game again and will probably do something equally silly.
2961834
"Grass grows, sun shines, birds fly, and brother, I come back from the dead!" - The Scout celebrating his return to the land of the semi-living
We follow you for your wit
Meh.
2962031
On this one, I'll take 'Meh'.
However, if just one person can never again listen to Dr. Carson without hearing Jane Doe, then my job is done.
(I would do another one for the Democrats -- Team Red, Team Blue -- but we'd need an actual field first.)
2962080 As much as I try not to get involved in politics, I can't help but comment here.
I rather like Carson. I don't agree with several of his views at all, but at least he's a smart guy.
Honestly, though, both parties are full of good people and bad people. Good luck figuring out which is which.
Well, I giggled.
I agree that Dr. Carson is an intelligent man (as a doctor), but he keeps striking me as one of those people who can talk himself into anything because it's his brilliant mind reaching those conclusions and so no one lesser can question the decisions. And he's honestly one of the worst interview subjects I've ever seen. He'll be talking his way along, things will be going well, it'll start to feel like he's got the problem beat -- and then, out of nowhere, "You can have this when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. And even then, good luck! Because I will have glued it to my cold, dead hands!"
The GQ article was... well, it was. It definitely was.
And yes, I've seen good/bad Democrats/Republicans. The next sorting process is going to take a while.
This blog post is the best thing to come out of politics since the cave man invented fire and started debating whether dry leaves or straw made better kindle.
2962238
Amazon makes better Kindle.
I would do a dramatic reading of this if I knew how to pull off the Pyro one.
I have nothing to say about this, since I tend to completely dislike politicians (of any caliber) as a rule.
But I would like to see some discussion and rebuttal of political views instead of personal attacks...
Call me Nappa, 'cuz I'm Just Saiyan.
2961740
I'm sure the universe would be happy to let you exhale for a week. Or for however long you can exhale without breathing in. So probably much less than a week, really, but it's going to aim for the full week.
You should really get a lawyer to word those wishes of yours. Then again, maybe that wouldn't help.
2962205
Carson may be intelligent, but he sure is goddamn dumb, in the way only smart people who are so convinced of their smartness that they don't bother actually learning things outside their core area fof competency, or thinking things through properly, can be. (Also, smarts aside, he's a bigot.)
2962262
"Amazon makes better Kindle."
I can't really comment about the politics (I'm UK, not US, and haven't heard of most of the above), but the pun was worth reading the thread for.
How do we know the Spy isn't really the President?
...
I wish I could upvote and favourite blogposts now.
2962489
Now that I think about, Nappa really is the most generic Saiyan in canon. Vegeta is the ruler, Broly is the legendary Super Saiyan, and Raditz at least has his relative weakness to differentiate him.
5164776
(Checks calendar; blinks in surprise) Wow. Over four years after any of this was relevant, and you decided that it needed a response!
(Throws confetti)
CONGRATULATIONS!
5164975
To be fair, Estee's latest blog links to this one because both parties are still roughly as insane as they were here.