One Year (A very personal long ranty blog that you should skip unless you want a diary entry or something) · 5:36pm Apr 4th, 2019
*WARNING*: This as-promised post is a long discussion about personal issues, phobias, mental health, and trauma. Feel free to skip this one if you’re not up for that! :)
I have thought long and hard about writing this post, and now I finally get to. I knew it would be hard but… not this hard. So, here we go:
Last year, I made a decision to go to a big outdoors event, but felt that, in order to do that, I would have to prepare. And I don’t mean packing, I mean emotionally and mentally preparing, and for that I had to get better with my agoraphobia.
For those who hadn’t found out yet or didn’t know, I suffer from agoraphobia, which is more commonly known as a fear of going outside. That’s not entirely an accurate description, but it’s better than nothing. In short, I feel terrified every day, and that feeling increases every time I have to go somewhere or do something where there’s the potential for me to become trapped with no way to hide, leave, or go unnoticed. If you want to know more about agoraphobia, there’s an article at the end with some good basic info.
Anyway, this lovely little piece of mental illness has been… difficult for me. It’s been bad sometimes, and at my worst I was nearly confined in one room of my home. I’ve gradually gotten a little better, but I used a 5 day event outside in the desert as an excuse to really push my boundaries and literally train myself to cope better with outside. It was a step I needed to make, for so many reasons, not just that event. So I made a promise to myself.
That I would go outside every. single. day. for an entire year.
As of today, I have succeeded in that goal.
I don’t entirely have the words to explain how I feel right now. Relief? Pride? Shame? Anger? Embarrassment? Joy? It’s such a weird mixture. But the fact of the matter is that I said I would do this, and I now have. And I wanted to make a post about it, expressing a few important thing surrounding all this.
First, I have nothing but gratitude for those who helped me do it. My friends, loved ones, family, everyone has done their best to be supportive of me, even when I was difficult to deal with. I love you guys, thank you thank you thank you. I don’t think I could have done this without you to lean on at the hardest moments.
Second, I want to be clear that this fight I’m in? It isn’t over. This is an issue I’m likely going to deal with for the rest of my life. I can get really good at coping, but my brain just kind of naturally screams at me in fear daily, and that’s not something I can exactly turn off or fix. There’s no cure, just better ways to deal with it. And I’m still working on that. I won’t be trying to go outside every single day from now on either, mostly because there are some days I really should not have gone outside (when I was sick, during the Camp fire when the air was legit toxic, etc.). But I wanted to know I could. I wanted to be able to just… go outside on a whim. And I feel I’m better about doing that now, at least. So that’s a huge change from last year.
Third, one of the ways I’ve dealt with all of this is by creating things. At the bottom of this post, you will find links to things I’ve created about agoraphobia. One is a drawing I did on one of the worst days for me this year, about what it felt like trying to go out when my brain was telling me how comfy it was to stay inside. One is a My Little Pony fanfic of sorts (Even my irl friends have now seen this one) in which “you,” who are the main character, come inside after a day of being out and experience how addictive and insidious comfort is. One is a free-form poem in which I talk about brief successes and failures for every month I was outside. It’s not a great poem, as I'm no poet, but it’s a good summary. And one is a reflective essay (a LONG one) about the formation and growth of my agoraphobia, in relation to the Disney movie Dumbo. Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but it was an easier way for me to explore my feelings.
You are welcome to go through these things, or not, at your leisure. I do feel they better express what agoraphobia has been like for me, and they’re very honest and very raw at times. Please PLEASE if you find yourself mentioned in one of these, please do not feel offended or that I am angry with you or anything like that. I’m not, you’re not to blame for any of this. If I kept all this a secret from you, even as it was happening, please do not be hurt by my words. I don’t even think my best friends knew, most of the time. If you feel your opinion of me would change for the worse in reading about all that, I recommend you not do it. I may come across one way in public, a way in which I LIKE people to see me, an image I WANT to project. What I show here is a very different part of me. It includes mentions of personal trauma as well, so be warned of that before delving in.
So, why am I writing all this and revealing all this, anyway?
In large part, because I am not the only one who lives with this. If you feel like I do, even if you didn’t have a name for the feeling before now, you are not alone. This past year I found out a woman who I look up to is dealing with agoraphobia that began rising later in her life rather than early. I found out my grandmother was agoraphobic, as in, textbook case. I also lost a friend, and relative of a loved one of mine, to suicide, who was also battling mental illness which included agoraphobia, merely months ago. Even if you’ve never heard of agoraphobia, it’s very very real, and very personal, and it’s a part of me.
I’m tired of being afraid of being able to leave my home. But I’m also tired of pretending I’m not afraid, lying through smiles, and saying “I’m fine” when I’m not. I’m tired of canceling plans by making fake excuses, just because I’m terrified of trying that day and don’t want to admit it. I’m so tired of feeling like this is something I have to hide or pretend I don’t deal with. I don’t want people to notice or admit it at all times, and I’ll try to cover it up most of the time still because I still enjoy that projected image. But I am tired of feeling like I don’t even have the option not to. I want to have a choice not to be silent.
I’m not the strongest or bravest person in the world. I falter. Often. But I’m really done struggling in silence. I want to be able to say “this was difficult for me” without feeling ashamed to admit that, or filling my own head with self-hatred and doubt. I’m not looking for head-pats or validation or some sense of heroism where there isn’t any. I just want it all out there, in public, so it’s not just in my head anymore. It gets crowded up there at times. So I’m done locking myself in.
I’m not afraid to say that I am agoraphobic, and that it sucks. I’m not afraid to say that I’m fighting. And that right now, I’m winning.
So, thank you for reading all this. Sincerely. I’m still me, I’m still the person you’ve known. Now you just know me a little better. You can’t be brave if you’re not afraid first.
What is Agoraphobia?: https://www.ranker.com/list/agoraphobia-facts/laura-allan
If you’d like to read and view the things I have created, you can do so here:
A freeform monthly poem: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1axi99GPlhrBPlaq4BpZnd500i_qR8wuuba5itR3G6Gc/edit?usp=sharing
Art from one of my bad days: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GbB7tl9A-bKevct7yJ86Jk_2jNFWCgh0/view?usp=sharing
MLP Short Story about insidious toxic comfort: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12FIQYPNPCQP_6qYk4X7G5s43g-9S3eXCQidXWv-LFNQ/edit?usp=sharing
An long essay about my agoraphobia and Dumbo: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12o8mNC7TbyWNLW7iNNCgLnu8P5uP7-o_h5WGXyR6hqQ/edit?usp=sharing
If you have ANY questions, please let me know and I will try to answer. You are also welcome to share this with anyone you feel might genuinely benefit from it.
Congratulations! That is an amazing accomplishment! It shows great determination and force of will on your part to be able to face that fear every single day of the year. Phobias are no joke, and being able to steel yourself against that is just... incredible. I know from having my own phobias that it never gets easier, because the fear isn’t a rational one. And I know you said you’re not strong, but, and I can say this with great confidence:
You. Are. Strong.
Stay strong, keep it up. Keep being amazing.
Oh wow. :D This is really good! I feel really good to know that you have accomplished this! I hope you can make it two years, and more. :)
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Thanks. Not going to try to keep up this streak nonstop though, heh. If I am super sick or if the air is, you know, not safe to breathe, I don't want to be forcing myself to go outside, haha.
This is amazing, and you should be very proud of yourself for doing it.
I too, have a phobia, although not nearby as obviously crippling, it gives me some perspective. You are a brave motherfucker, Pencil. Keep rocking on, you beautiful person.
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And that's fair. :) I'm proud of you. I hope you enjoy your desert event, you've earned it!
Congratulations, anonpencil. I’m really proud of you. I hope you kick this condition’s butt a little more every day!
Proud of you Pencil. You've done a great thing for yourself and others, and glad to see you succeed in something you pushed yourself towards. You have earned yourself a third hug if we ever meet again, and I hope you enjoy the event that allowed you to push yourself the way you did.
Congratulations Pencil! You're awesome!
I'm super glad you were able to do this.
That's a lot to say loud and a lot to achieve. Stay strong, stay free. And the main thing - fight for thy right to enjoy the life both inside and outside, as that's what thy aim is. Yay! I hope that event goes wondrous for thee.
Congratulations, Pencil. You set a goal, and you achieved it. You, my good lady, rock like a hurricane!
You should be proud of yourself!
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💖 you did it!!!
this was a really good post, thank you for sharing and opening up to us!!
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Good job, Pencil!