A Delayed Response · 11:27am Apr 3rd, 2018
I meant to write this like, a week ago. Maybe I was waiting for some grand epiphany to hit me and for light to just swell through me so I could burst back and say everything was great again.
Something like that sort of happened.
I'm getting ahead of myself though. I read all your replies. Every single one of them. Read some of them twice. I talked to DrakeyC and Monochromatic, and Novel Idea, and Heartshine, all of them amazing and caring and loving. You guys are all great. Every single one of you. You're the reason why I write.
The fame and the glory and the upvotes are nice. We all want to be noticed. But... if my writing can touch someone's life... if I can brighten someone's day, or inspire them to take up a pen or keyboard.
Then that should be enough.
So, thank you. Everyone who left a comment. Everyone who read the blog and sent me warm thoughts. It really does mean a lot to me. If my sensitive emotions weren't locked beneath a layer of ice, I'm sure I would have dissolved into tears. Thank you.
I want to tell you guys that I'm okay. It would only be a half truth.
I'm not... in the hole? At least right now. I'm... content with my level of writing. But maybe that's because... I haven't really been writing.
I spent two days thinking over all of your kind words, and they sparked something within me. Reminded me why I did this.
Then last Monday, it all just kinda... disappeared.
I spent two days with just this empty feeling of wanting to do nothing. Just sit and stare. I didn't want to write. i didn't want to play Overwatch. I didn't want to read. I didn't even want to eat. Since then, I've had small spikes of enthusiasm that have lasted about an hour. I wrote a thousand words for Across the Shimmering Sea so that was neat.
But I don't know. At first, I thought I was sad. Now I'm just... blegh? Even that doesn't feel right.
I told my mom how I felt, and then she, my dad, and my sister descended on me like... like... well, like family. God, I love them. I didn't really know what to tell them though. So many things could have just triggered it. Maybe my over-empathetic nature and listening to my friends hard lives finally took its toll. Maybe I'm just fully burnt out on school. Maybe I'm stressed about the future and won't admit it to myself. Maybe it's all three.
I want to write. I just have... no drive. Minor highs in a sea of lows. I barely have the drive to do anything. I have class at 8:30 this morning. It's 4 as I write this. Guess what I'm not doing today.
Maybe it's the monotony of it all. Sure, locations have changed and people have changed, but I've been doing basically the same thing for the last six years. Wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, goof off/write/ go to bed. I mean, how much more could I really mix it up? I've been trying to throw a job in there for lord knows how long. Pretty sure that'd just make me more miserable though. Money is a thing I kinda need though. I kinda hate living off of loans and my parent's retirement fund.
Where was I going with this? It's four in the morning, I should be asleep. The point is, I'm not in the hole. i don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I kinda don't want to do anything. At the same time I need to do something I just don't know what that is.
So yeah, aside from the shit-show that is Spectacular Seven, everything is still on hiatus, even if it doesn't say. I just... don't want to change the tags. I want to come back.
I shouldn't be allowed to blog at four o'clock in the morning.
*hugs* I’m perfectly willing to let you have my job.
Kidding aside, it sounds like a bit of burnout. I’ve had entire weeks like that where it’s all I can do to keep things on an even keel. You’re allowed to take time off if you feel overwhelmed - relax for a day or so, go unplugged for a day, or something - and we won’t hold it against you.
Life gets tedious, and sometimes we just need to forget it and do something to forget it.
*hugs again*
As someone who perfectly knows the feeling of blegh and wanting to do something but at the same time nothing and just not knowing what to do with your life in general, I promise you once I find a reliable way out of it I'll tell you.
Until then the only advice I can offer is to just hang on. At some point your drive will return. It may just come back by itself or maybe something will help you rediscover it. In my case it were usually new games, watching new animes or reading fanfictions of different franchises. But I'm pretty sure that knowing that the people here support you no matter what will certainly help.
No matter what mate, just know that we are here for you if you need us.
*hugs*
I know how you feel. Some days I get home form work and just don't want to do a damn thing but that's mostly stress from work. Just sit in my desk chair and stare at YouTube for a few hours before going to bed and repeating the whole thing over again. Weekends aren't a help either because I sleep in late on Saturday, lament that half the day is gone when I wake up, play some games thinking I'll get inspired, don't, fall back to YouTube, go to bed, wake up late Sunday, repeat, and then wonder where the hell the weekend went when I have to go to bed and know work is starting again.
Ruts like this suck hard, but like everything else in life they can't last forever. We'll get out of them eventually and, with any luck, return with a vengeance.
The loss of ones drive is a hard thing. I know the miserable feeling all too well cause I've been writing and trying to do more writing ever since middle school and it's been so on and off it bothers the fuck outta me. Shit even when I'm sick and unable to write i get pissed that I am unable. Hope all turns around soon for you bro cause trust me when I say your pain is felt by many and we are all behind you ^_^
Ahh, I empathize so much with this, I really do. Mental health is a fickle thing, it really is. But you've got loads of people by your side offering whatever help we can give. So take however much time you need to get back to a state where you're comfortable.
I would NOT call that shit-show.
I know many poeple will disagree withe me but i say go see a doctor. I started having anxiety attacks and bouts on not wanting to do anything. And i got help throght my doctor. There is no shame in needing a pill to help.
Just... uh... rest up I guess. Good to know you’ve got people looking out for you on your side of the screen.
I know that feeling all too well. If I could, I'd give you a hug through the screen.
4831796 Actually, that's some good advice, there.
Aye, that is the sad part of life. Sometimes, you just get burnt out with the routine. The amount of times I’ve wanted to write after dealing with everything all the crap that comes my way but before I write I’m just absolutely drained.
If anything, friend, you deserve a vacation. You’ve worked to the back bone to provide absolutely quality stories that some of us can only dream of being on the same level as.
Take some time away from it all, live a little and then when you feel fully recharged, come back when you’re ready to.
We’ll be waiting friend.
Been away for a while and I just now saw your blogs. I'm sorry to hear you feel unwell in any form. I think you are a great person, and writer, and can only wish you the best. Specially since your stories have really helped me go trough bad times; thank you for that btw. *big hug*
As many others I can empathize with these feelings. The only thing I can say is: Remember you have the right to feel the way you feel. Just as any person have the right to feel happy, even if they are going through hardships. Never bottle up anything, let it flow. Keep talking to your friends and family, and seek a doctor if you think it's necessary.
This sounds like a little bit more than a burnout, and something I've had experience with before.
It might be time to go see your doctor and talk about prescribing an antidepressant. Because this is textbook clinical depression you're describing. It wouldn't necessarily be a permanent thing--a lot of people find themselves needing to be on something for a month or three, then once they level out, they can taper off it and don't need it anymore.
That would be my advice to you. Talk to your doctor. An antidepressant is probably what you need right now, based on what you're describing. Because that was me in 2001, and it took six months of antidepressants to get my mental health train back on the rails.
Take your time. There's no pressure. There's no rush. Do what you need to do (talk to a doctor, take time off, whatever).
I think you just need to be reminded how special of a person you are and how much we all love you and your work.
And other than the implications that you're gonna be a soggy potato from a lack of sleep, why shouldn't you be able to blog at four in the morning?
Mythril is right. That sounds exactly like clinical depression. It's nothing to be ashamed of either, it just happens to some people, no matter how happy they "should" be. Please don't hesitate to get help from a doctor.
you might need to take a break. we will still love you if you do
It's perfectly normal to change interests, but the total uncaring is not. I know it's the last thing most people will want to hear, but I want to also recommend to see a doctor.
Sometimes all you need is the right person to care at the right time, and sometimes all you need is a bit of time to rebalance yourself. But sometimes your own neuro chemestry is working against you.
I've felt that way too, and find comfort in friends and family. You are loved, even when you're feeling down!
I'm glad to know you're starting to feel partway better and I hope things continue to go well so that you can be happy with where you are. Just keep close to your family and friends to help you feel better as you work through this, maybe even see someone professional to talk about this. It can be tough to deal with and there is no easy answer to solving it. But surrounding yourself with those closest who care can help, whether it be family, friends, or even just readers.
It is tough to pull yourself out of the hole, and you can feel so tired you may fall back in by the time you're out. But it can get easier to get better with people who care for you. Maybe even try writing down all that you're feeling. It doesn't have to be some masterpiece for anyone to read. It doesn't have to be good. It can just serve as a means to help get it out.
You are an amazing and talented person and all of your writing always brings such life into me and makes me aspire to be better. We're all here for you if you ever need someone to listen to you vent about anything. I hope your classes go well and that you get some good sleep. Take care of yourself, man. (HUG)
Whether it turns out to be clinical depression or something else, please do what you feel you must. I'm still amazed by your loyalty to the followers you have on this site and I know we'd all rather you find your rhythm in life than you feel guilty or something for what you haven't written (Not to presume anything, sorry). Your employment situation could be a factor in your motivation, which I can't say much about except that the social and individual fulfillment could help out with the rest of it, maybe.
As everyone says, reach out to the more reputable and trustworthy avenues of assistance and you'll have a way forwards sooner than later. Doesn't mean that way will be easy or something you like. Either way take us all for moral support.
Thank you again for your updates and diligence in communicating with us all. Even without the writing you appear to be the kind of internet person I want to be.
Do what you have to do.
Your story is much better than it seems to you. most of the time, an author is their own harshest critic.
I think the trick to enjoying work is to (1) take it seriously enough to want to do well and to help coworkers get better, and (2) don't take it so seriously that you get frustrated with the people around you. Also, try to have a talking relationship with your boss so you can, with some notice, easily take time off when you're feeling meh.
Regarding the feeling of blankness. It's usually a good sign for me since it comes when my brain suddenly stops caring about some major stress point. What you're feeling might be different, but it sounds similar. It might be worth letting your brain have that victory.
Hey, you.
Been a while.
Sounds like things have been a bit wet and soggy.
I truly hope you can dry out enough for some sparks to reignite that inferno you once had.
I know it's hard. I'm living proof.
Don't become me. Stick to your aspirations. You were born to write; we all know it. I had a good crack at it, but you're truly skilled. You just remember that people care more about you than your words. The ones that matter, anyway.
Words are neat though. Keep them coming. We believe in you.
Good to hear from you.