What your dog is actually thinking · 7:27pm Jun 8th, 2016
* Who peed here?
* Should I pee here?
* Excuse me, I'm peeing here!
* Look, I know you may think my bladder only holds so much urine and I've already peed twelve times during this walk, but if I don't overlay this patch of scent, someone's going to die.
* Someone's outside! Everything outside is a threat! Bark-bark-bark! Scare off the evil outside!
* Oh, hello, unknown human carrying something which stinks of gunpowder! You're not outside any more! You're inside! That makes you my friend! May I introduce you to the rest of the pack?
* Treat?
* Where's my treat?
* Look, treat-dispenser, there's only one reason I put up with you, and you haven't dropped one in the last five minutes.
* If I keep clawing at the carpet, it will eventually come up enough for me to hide my treat under it.
* Face shovel, go!
* Okay, maybe the couch cushions.
* I have buried my treat in the couch cushions. This is surprisingly inadequate to my needs. Maybe I should move it.
* ...I can't get to my treat.
* I am going to keep standing here on the couch barking my lungs out until someone comes and unburies my treat for me, at which point I will rush off to hide it somewhere even more inaccessible, because you are so stupid that you will continue saving me from myself. Why should I learn when you don't?
* I have sniffed this patch of grass for five minutes, which is exactly long enough for me to realize I need to keep going for at least another ten.
* I want to play.
* Stop what you're doing and play with me.
* I will keep scratching your leg until you play with me.
* You didn't play with me enough. Get back here.
* Why do I even bother having bowel movements if you're just going to keep putting them in bags? *sigh* Well, maybe you'll miss this one.
* My water bowl is three millimeters out of alignment! Bark-bark-bark! Someone come and fix this! Bark-bark-bark! I need everything in my life to be exactly the same every single day and I don't have thumbs!
* Now it's two millimeters to the left! What's wrong with you people?
* You wouldn't look so angry if you just understood how good your shoe tastes.
* This is my favorite rubber bone. I love this bone so much that when I have it in my possession, I cry. I nuzzle up next to it and make crying sounds for hours on end. Nothing will make me stop expressing my tearful love for this bone. Sometimes I move it from room to room just so I can cry at it in different places. I'm really not sure why I only seem to locate it every four months.
* If I don't get to eat your food, then I'm just going to sit here staring at you until you feel too guilty to eat your food.
* Hey, here's some garbage on the sidewalk. Give me a minute while I eat this.
* I'm sick and I don't know why.
* Hey, here's some more garbage on the sidewalk! Incidentally, what's this whole cause-effect thing again?
* Anything I can wad up into a circle with my face is my bed.
* Yeah, like you don't pee all over the bathroom when you're unhappy.
* What are you doing and why do you falsely believe it's more important than me?
* Car ride! Car ride! We're going on a car ride! Yay!
* We've been in the car for nearly an hour! Yay!
* ...oh no. We've been in the car for nearly an hour. That means we're going to the groomer...
* Look, it's a well-known fact: I take a dump on her floor and then she won't want to trim my coat. Here, I'll demonstrate.
* Drying cages are against the Geneva Convention.
* It's really amazing how I wait until the exact critical moment of whatever you're watching on television to decide I need to be walked, isn't it?
* Here's the tallest grass in the world! I'm gonna jump right in!
* Seriously, I have no idea where all these ticks came from.
* Whoever peed here has some serious medical problems.
* And in conclusion, the final simple mathematical solution to the Unified Field Theory is -- SQUIRREL!
I am a wolf so here's one from my life, it's gonna be short
*It's 4-am! WAKE UP! Bark-bark-bark!
*I need to go outside now, like right now
*I'm gonna pee on your bed if you don't take me outside now
*Hey! I want a treat now! I know it's only been 2 minutes sense the last one but I need more
*Hide the treat! I'm gonna hide it under the couch
*Help! I can't get my treat! Drop everything and get my treat!
Lol it's like that
This is amazing.
Now:
Imagine you're Fluttershy.
And this is the quality level of the conversations you have all day, every day, for the rest of your life.
This reminded me an awful lot of Up. Even before the mention of squirrels.
This is why I don't have a dog.
* My ancient ancestors were cunning and ruthless predators who survived in the wild for millions of years before you got hold of us. You bred us for mindless affection AND NOW YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE OF YOUR CHOICES.
this is why I like cats.
4009122
Poor Fluttershy.
What did she do to deserve such a fate?
Quite accurate. Though in my experience, there's also this:
* My favorite human left. I am going to go look forlornly out of the window for the next three hours.
* My favorite human is back! I must announce this to all and sundry as loudly as possible!
* I'm sure you missed me as much as I did you, favorite human. I will now climb onto your chest and lick your face. I'm not sure when I will stop.
* Hi, favorite human! Let me just spring off of different human's kidney to get to you.
* There is no better way to show my love than by being directly underfoot at all times.
* Are you going out? I want to go out!
* Are you going in? I want to go in!
* I don't know why I'm tired.
* You say "upholstery," I say "napkin."
* I can't quite get up onto the chair. Well, twentieth time's the charm!
4009122
That explains quite a lot, actually. I could see her occasionally having to keep herself from telling Pinkie Pie to get down off the furniture. It's sort of like being an elementary school teacher.
This reminds me of Dave Barry's script for a TV series called "Adventure Dog". It was a fairly simple script, and involved the word "Bark" a lot...
4009154
4009156
In Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett had a character who was a self-taught ornithologist and could no longer enjoy listening to birdsong, because it made a real difference to know the forest around you was basically shouting about why it was the best avian to reproduce with. I always thought that would be an interesting angle to use with a Fluttershy story. She can talk to animals. Fine. Most animals are stupid. Topics include (and are just about limited to) food, sex, and urination/defecation. It would be like living in an Internet political comments sections, only without the willful false equivalencies and no way to log out.
Comedy, Dark, Sad... choose your own tag.
4009122
4009182 Ah that explains why I enjoy your humor so much you're a Terry Pratchett (GNU) fan
4009141 for the cat version, just replace all the lines with:
*[Stares condescendingly at you]*
4009182
Honestly, I'd go with horror. A horror comedy, maybe.
My favorite dog trick
1) Give me some of that!
2) That's nasty! I'm not eating that.
3) OK, you played your mean little trick. Now, give me what you're REALLY eating.
Cat poop is the only food better than vomit.
This is MY couch! If you dare come under here, I'll bite you!
Bark, bark, bark! It's either a fly, the end of the world, or something else. But, whatever it is, I'm going to bark at it!!
Throw this stick again for me, human!
No, don’t take the stick. Just throw it.
No. Don’t take the stick. Just throw it.
While it’s still in my mouth, yes. Just throw it already, wouldya?
***
Why shouldn’t I eat that? It tasted great the first time!
Can someone make a list like this for cats?
4009205 or yells at you to feed them or let them out.
4009182
And when she goes to town for a break, she runs into Pinkie Pie (food), Rarity (gossip on who is sleeping with who), Cranky Doodle (moaning about latest medical problem).
Spending time at Twilight's library is probably a welcome respite. Despite the occasional explosion from the basement.
So very true. (Disclaimer: I only keep indoor dogs. Which are frequently the most neurotic dogs.)
4009286
Now all you need to do is get that out to at least a thousand words and Feature Box.
4009286
Do you think the cruelest possible ending to this is for Fluttershy to reach the library, begin settling in as she relaxes in the quiet -- and then winds up listening as Twilight aggressively defends her territory from a shelf-wrecking intruder, followed by a weary librarian trotting over to where Fluttershy is unsuccessfully hiding and saying "So, do you want to go grab some dinner and then have sex?"
* Oh boy! This must be the filthiest, most foul-stinking pile of garbage EVER! If I don't plop down and roll around in it RIGHT NOW, nobody's gonna believe me how filthy and smelly it was.
* Waiting for new thought to arrive... Buffering... Buffering...
* I don't think I did a good enough job digesting this, the first time around. I better eat this poop and give it another go.
* Must... lick... face...
4009286
She doesn't go to Sweet Apple Acres ever since she figured out what Applejack does to the pigs and ducks she keeps. Exports to Griffonia are VERY lucrative!
4009398
Oh, come on. Give you the same kind of constant source and I'm betting you'd go into the fertilizer business too.
4009246
The cat version:
- Welcome to my house, human. Rub me!
- You're too big to eat, so I'll just play with you instead. If I feel like it.
- A RED SPOT! IT MOVES!!!
- Just leave the food in the dish. I'll only eat it when you can't see how much I like it.
- All bags and boxes are mine to inspect!
- Good human! PUURRRRRRR!
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Ours was:
* No, I don't care if you consider (visitor) a friend or family! He/She's in my territory, and is therefore still a threat! Wait, where are you pulling me? I need to protect you! I need to protect yooooou!... ...Remove this rectangle of wood right now! If I could do that trick you do with the curious metal thing sticking out of it, I so would...
And later...
* FINALLY! Now I can drive these intruders from my property! I can't see them, but I can smell where they're been! BEGONE! BEGONE!
(Of course, they were already down the road before I let her out of my room...)
Oddly, with our previous cat, it got to where they were fine with each other, sniffing at each other, and the cat rubbing against her legs... as long as they were outside. Inside, however, she was not fine with the cat being there. So again, stick her in my room, let the cat in the house, feed the cat, let the cat out, let the dog out of the room.
Also, mine only tended to need to urinate once and/or defecate once per walk. So...
* What? You say it's cold/raining/sweltering? Well, I have to find the perfect spot! I'd say I have the more pressing need.
4009154
She's the only one who can do it without snapping and killing anyone.
4009402
Yep! Ifen ya cain't sell sweet apples, sell road apples. After all, a bit's a bit even if ya got it for shit!
4009418 Yes, that is exactly it! Mine would have upchuck at lot as well. ...Sadly, I am not joking.
4009701
He/she probably needs some malt in their diet. Your can buy malt extract for cats in tubes. You just squeeze a bit into their food every day and they can "pass" the hair balls that often make them puke. I forgot that in my list:
- This floor is boring - it needs a bit of puke to make it interesting.
- Hey, if you looked this good you'd be licking yourself all day long, too! (And besides, I know you wish you could bend that way too, human! PUUUURRRRRR!)
- You're truly blessed to have me around, and I can't blame you. Not even a little bit!
- Why should I listen? The dog listens, and all it gets him is more work!
4009790 Huh, I never knew that. Of course, I always think it's either they eat their food too fast and it comes back up or they just have hairballs they need to "Get Rid Of".
4009334 all that's left is for Spike to start gluing diamond shards to his spines (a mating display for Rarity), and have Luna braying at the moon as she leaves.
4009924
So we can all reasonably expect this to be in the New column within sixteen hours?
Precisely.
This is why I have a cat.
Incidentally, the house's 10 year old spoiled princess, named Princess, ate almost half a pork loin roast yesterday.
What? Half of everyone else decided they weren't coming home and ordered out, like hell I was letting that roast go to waste!
Consequently, she's been refusing to eat her own food even more since then and now harrasses me whenever I'm in the kitchen.
Conceniently, she's not MY dog or MY responsibility...
...But who am I kidding? I am basically the only one who feeds and replaces her water each day...
... And brush...
... And pay more than 2 minutes worth of attention each day...
...Why am I doing this again?
...
Oh, right. I'm a sucker who can't just ignore others who need food or attention. Damn it.
4009182 I read a comic about that once. Quite an eye-opener. And a bit like people taking pictures of their food and posting them online.
4009122
You suggest that being able to understand animals would be horrible. I agree, but I don't think Fluttershy does. Consider the fact that Fluttershy chose to devote her life to taking care of animals. Think about how she's kept doing this for years, with no shortage of enthusiasm. Now consider the fact that when Fluttershy couldn't make friends with a large number of animals, she attempted to trap them in increasingly deranged ways. And when that failed, she proceeded to break a castle wall with sheer rage. Even ignoring her eventual reformation, Starlight is really lucky that Fluttershy only went a day without her Cutie Mark. I don't think Our Town would have survived a week....
All things considered, I hope that Fluttershy will experience that quality of meaningless chatter for the rest of her life. The horrors that would be subjected to the world otherwise are better left unthought....
4009182
There was a scene in a Jack Vance dark fantasy novel--I think it was one of the Lyonesse trilogy--in which a wizard observes a little girl wishing loudly that she could speak with animals. He ponders whether she'd really enjoy the conversation she might have with, for example, one of the horse-sized predatory giant spiders that inhabit the deeper, darker parts of the forest, and decides that sometimes it's best not to get everything you wish for.
...oh, and the little girl eventually does get her wish, in a limited sort of way. She becomes able to speak with housecats, who are invariably, hilariously, polite-but-irritated with her, and usually soon tire of her constant questions and demands.