Feel Like a Monster. WARNING: TOUCHY STUFF AHEAD · 6:28pm Jun 12th, 2014
So, I don't know how many of you remember the story Feel Like a Monster, but for those of you who don't/never read it, let me give you a basic idea: it's a ponified version of what I went through when I was put in a mental health hold. For those of who who don't know, that's basically when you're arrested and put in a mental institution if they think you're going to harm yourself/others. To try to cope/get my thoughts out, I decided to, possibly unwisely, make a story about it. It caused... a shitstorm, for lack of a better term. Yeah, I'll call it that. It was easily my most controversial story to date, mainly because of the Equestrian setting and Apple Bloom's age.
Fair enough, I guess.
Well, I'm writing this to basically say that I'm cancelling the story. However... do not think that I'm cancelling it because of haters, or trolls, or whatever. I'm cancelling because, well, I don't really need it anymore. I know I haven't updated in four months, but I've gotten better help then the quacks that they forced me to see after I left the institution (and I do mean forced).
Now, I know this comes as a disappointment to the readers who genuinely wanted to know what happened next. What would Apple Bloom endure? Well, while I know it won't be the same as actually reading it, I'm going to give you the run-down so as to not cancel it and leave you wondering forever. Don't read past this if you don't want to know.
Apple Bloom is taken to a mental institution called Celestial Peaks at around four in the morning. She's transported alone in a wagon with bars on the windows because she didn't feel enough like a criminal. When there, she has her picture taken for the hospital's files, is told to only use the name "Bloom" is given an identification number, gets a roommate and gets a paltry few hours of sleep before breakfast. While her and the assorted patients (all of the pegasi have wing restraints and the unicorns have horn blockers) she meets a pegasus filly about her age, naturally in wing restraints. She gives Apple Bloom a weak smile and guesses that she just got there. Apple Bloom asks how she can tell, and she "has that look." Basically the "I've been broken" look. The two sit together at breakfast, complain about the horrible food, and form a friendship.
Life at the institution amounts to going to group therapy. Apple Bloom goes to one group therapy session, then meets the psychiatrist assigned to her. The psychiatrist asks her her goal, and Apple Bloom says to get out of the institution, to which the psychiatrist says that she'll be there probably for four or five days. Apple Bloom then repeats that she doesn't want to be there, citing a flaw in the logic of the leader of the group therapy, but is interrupted by the psychiatrist snapping "okay, I get it, you don't want to be here!" shutting Apple Bloom up.
Then more group therapy. Then more. She spends her breaks playing games with her new friend, and they are able to vent with each other about just how horrible the institution is. With the help of her friend, Apple Bloom begins to relax a little more, thinking she just might make it through this. She is visited that evening by her grandmother and siblings who bring her a stuffed animal to cuddle with, but Apple Bloom is not allowed to have it, so her family promises that it will be waiting for her when she gets back.
Later that evening, Apple Bloom and a bunch of the other patients are playing a game, when another patient, one much larger than Apple Bloom, begins shouting and ranting at the nurses. The nurses order everypony back to their rooms, and Apple Bloom is ordered to walk right past him to get to hers. She then goes into her room and hides behind the dresser, still able to hear the screaming patient. Finally she breaks down completely. A doctor comes in to check on her, but leaves the moment she says that she's okay physically. Not staying to see if she's okay emotionally. Apple Bloom goes to bed, and day one ends.
She is awoken at six in the morning by doctors requesting a blood draw. She goes back to bed after it is given. She then wakes up for breakfast and goes through a daily physical. She discovers she's lost half a pound since she's been here. She goes to breakfast, then more group therapy. Then more. Then more. Then lunch. Then more group therapy. She occasionally skips to play games or emotionally recover, but that is frowned upon. She meets with her psychiatrist again who gives her the rundown of her release, finishing the meeting with "I guess this is a real life lesson, huh? You know not to say that stuff about your classmates now."
A now significantly more depressed Apple Bloom does more group therapy, then dinner, and talks to a social worker who is the first kind, empathetic pony there, and Apple Bloom has hope that she can be okay. Applejack and Big Mac are required to schedule more appointments with a therapist as a condition of Apple Bloom's release.
The next day, Apple Bloom is given the daily physical, and has lost yet another half pound. She has hope, though, because today is the day of her release. She spends most of it with her friend, and in group therapy, naturally, until the big meeting with some head psychiatrists to fully discuss her release. One of them is her psychiatrist. The other doctors basically tell her that she'll be out once her 72 hours are up, and Apple Bloom is even happier. Then her psychiatrist repeats his "I guess this is a real life lesson, huh?" statement, and Apple Bloom's spirit is crushed. However, she talks to an orderly who is highly supportive and empathetic of her.
After many hours of waiting, though, Big Mac and Applejack come to get her. After some paperwork, and saying goodbye to her friend, Apple Bloom is allowed to leave. She is overjoyed. She gets her mane bow back.
Apple Bloom is out of school for two weeks, during which time she discovers that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were informed about what she said about them. Diamond Tiara said that she "always knew Apple Bloom was a freak" but Silver Spoon said "Apple Bloom? What? She would never hurt me; don't be ridiculous. She's not a violent pony."
Apple Bloom is allowed to eventually return to school, but the school forces her to sign a contract saying that if she feels too angry again, she'll turn herself over to the school counselor for another hold or be suspended/expelled. She is also required to see a school counselor every week. Ms. Cheerilee is both highly supportive of Apple Bloom and filled with remorse that she told AB to go to the counselor in the first place.
The school counselor that Apple Bloom is required to see is less than helpful. He is very much on the side of the school, and especially his co-worker. He keeps repeating that it was "all protocol" and not really listening to how emotionally damaging it was to Apple Bloom. When Apple Bloom describes mental institutions as "prisons for ponies that society doesn't want around," the counselor says "no, that's not how it is at all. I went to one of those places and observed, and talked to, a few of the patients, and ate at the cafeteria, so I know that's not what it's like."
The general gist is that the therapist does more harm than good.
Eventually Apple Bloom is allowed to see a therapist of her family's choosing. One who is impartial to the whole thing, as any school counselor would naturally be on the school's side, and she helps Apple Bloom come to terms with everything. With her help, Apple Bloom's anger issues fade away, and she becomes much happier just in time to meet two other fillies her age...
So there you go. Not the happiest of stories, but there it is.
It would have been a very nice story...
I unfortunately know how this goes
. All too often, it's the people who are having a difficult time that are objectified as the anomaly, and no time or feeling goes into helping them recover or identifying the root cause. All that matters to society is getting them functioning again. Too often I've seen a case where the person is question is told to come back at a later, prescribed time, even when they have expressed a desire to harm themselves. That actually happened to my wife recently. It makes me sick the way mental health is handled. Good on you for being strong and bouncing back, though. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know that first hand. 
This sounds a shit ton like me.
What the fuck were those little things? Over-breaded and burnt chicken nuggets that had instructions that said "just add water"?
So hey, someone I can relate to! Yay!
Well if you don't need the heavy story to cope that's a good thing right? You're getting better and this is a sign that you are. Good on you mate.
Thanks for telling us what would've happened in the story. I'm really sorry all that happened to you.
What is this about you in a mental institution? Was this a serious thing to you?
Are you kidding? I thought there was an evenly balanced amount of sad and happy elements that dose what any good sad/dark story should, make me apreceate the good moments I life more.
Still, it is ashamed that you arn't going to write this story, but I am glad to hear how it ended and say that if even only half of this stuff actually happened to you, then you are one strong person for having survived it.
Now on to Jakie! I think I know what your twist, but I still want to see it played out.
There is a special place in Tartarus, between Chrysalis and Tirek, reserved for beings like the head shrinkers you describe.
While I cannot claim to have gone through the same experience, I did once fall foul of the school system. Basically, through most of high school, I didn't have many friends. Perhaps because I was a teenage male who played video games, the school saw fit to send me to the equivalent of a counsellor's office. (Most UK schools do not have such positions full-time) The whole thing lasted about two weeks, luckily the counsellor realised that my teachers were being paranoid idiots and cleared me. Still, right up until I graduated the school kept sending my parents what they called 'letters of concern'.
It's overreaction like that that does more harm than good.
Ah man... I was really looking forward to more.
2201662 the happy elements were her friend and family. But yeah, not half, all.
As for the Jackie twist... oh you naive person...
2201634 yep. It really really was
2201712 what happened?
It's sad how people don't care about their patients anymore and just treat them like a piece of gum stick on their shoe.
This... I... erm...
Okay, I find this to be an acceptable ending, just... please don't do something this way again...
It caused too many story-loving brain cells to commit suicide...
Now I need to find some replacements!
awww
it was really good
Y'know, I honestly wouldn't have expected your councillor(s) to overreact like they did, that's messed up.
2201712 what happened?
I know my dumb comments usually annoy you but....I just wanna say I never understood why so many people got bent out of shape about that story. It was a polemic against the Kafkaesque nightmare that is America's mental health system. At least that's how I saw it.
I'm glad you've healed since then.
2202436 why do you think that I get annoyed by your comments? That aside, people got annoyed because my story went against their view of Equestria. If the comments were to be believed anyway.
What did you do to get thrown in that hellhole in the first place?
2202943 I said that I had violent thoughts that I wanted to get rid of that I had no intention of acting on. In terms of what I actually did...
nothing.
My mother is a doctor of psychology who specializes in helping mentally unstable people recover, so I completely understand a lot of this. I hear her furiously rant all the time at the therapists who only make things worse and the other people who don't truly understand how to help the people who need help. Thanks to her, I managed to stay out of an institution after a particularly nasty event of my own.
I've seen good institutions and bad institutions. The good ones are few and far in between, and the bad ones are extremely common. The good ones help the afflicted patient recover and go back into normal society happy and healthy, while the bad ones only tend to make things worse.
Having seen so many bad facilities, I had a massive panic attack when they told me that I was probably going to be in one. I was legitimately ready to kill to get myself out of there and to run away. I could have, too. I learned all the types of holds they use on violent patients, and I know how to get out of them. Thankfully, there was a group of psychologists who stood up for me (as questionable as my sanity was) and they managed to keep me out of that horrible place.
If it had been a good facility that I was going to go to, I would have happily gone along with it. Hell, I wanted to recover. I knew that a good institution would be able to help me get through my problems.
Anyway, I've ranted long enough. I'm glad that you got the help you needed, and I'm sorry that you had to experience a bad facility.
2202974
You want a hug? I have no reason at all to give one and completely, utterly, definitely have never been in any similar situation whatsoever...
Four times
2202559 I haven't read this story, maybe one day(I have depression as for now so I don't want to make myself more miserable with such stories) but as you put it....this story is your way to vent the stuff from your life, people should stop complaining about how the Equestria looks and works in this story, it's your story, your alternative universe and what is more important it's your metaphore(that's how you write it?). I hope that writing this story have helped you a little, it's like talking about what you lived through it usually helps
2202974 I have violent thoughts all the time but nobody tries to put me in the nuthouse.
My cousin went thru similar crap. Just because he was more hyper, quacks gave him drugs which made him fat, lazy, and mentally incompetent. To this day he is a deadbeat living off his mom as he is unable/unwilling to get a job due to him still suffering the effects of the medication he was forced to take.
I would've really liked to have read this.
My girlfriend was put in a mental hospital for a day and she won't talk about why. All I know is that she was strip searched and made to feel less than human
2206467 because that's what you are when you get forcibly sent to one of these places. You stop being a real person in the eyes of people with power the second your shrink says that they're sending you away.
BronyWriter, i'm sorry that you decided to stop writing your story, I really would have liked to see it play out, but the recap was very nice. But if you don't mind me asking you said that this was based on your experience and at the end of the outline for the rest of your story you said Applebloom met two fillies her own age. Did that happen to you? Did you meet two people your own age?
2210936 Well, no. I was talking about her meeting Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. I have many wonderful friends in real life.
it would made a fairly iteresting story i think.
thoguh you know what is something i have yet to see? something that fully takes into account what the ponies are and psychology of it; supernatural creatures. the ponies may be candy colored but they are stil lcreatures connected to a supernatural force...............
friendhspi and love are true forces in equestria. why wouldn't insanity have its own power too?
Well not gonna lie, I'm sad it was cancelled. I thought it had potential, but hey you had your reasons and I respect them, thank you for at least giving us a gist so we arent left hanging like <insert unresolved plot point from something here>. either way keep on trucking my good fellow.
I too would have liked to read the full story, but thank you for providing the synopsis of the rest that was nice.
In my (overabundance) of experience, school councilors are the worst people to go to with problems. Not only do they only care about the school it seems that people who end up as school councilors actively dislike children. Doing things from telling them how useless they are to crap like what happened to you.
I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm happy you're doing better. <offers an internet hug>
Nice ending, although most of the story makes me want to kill something, it's a satisfying conclusion to a very angering and depressing story.
Glad to see you're doing better!
And yes, I have only seen this now (I was going through my read-laters and deleting things from it and I happened to see this was cancelled.)
Well, even though its canceled, I will keep it in my favorites folder. The chapters were well done, and the conclusion you described here made it even more better in my eyes. I am also sorry this happened to you, but at least it you made it in the end, and I am happy that you are doing better.
Man, I cannot even TELL you how many times I got suspended from school by telling how I feel about the local jerks... ok, maybe two, but it was still in bad taste! Wouldn't it be nice if schools thought "Huh, maybe if a student has a problem with another student, then it's the other student that's causing a problem." instead of just taking people out of school because their Id becomes more prominent? I get that people can't just beat up other people for being jerks, and that they need to get that kind of thinking out of their heads, but can't it be done constructively, WITHOUT jails getting involved?
Went through my stories and saw the story was cancelled. Clicked the link but here I am, late to the party as always.
I will say this, though: I wish you had finished it. Because in the time between the second/last chapter and me discovering its cancellation, I went through the same thing.
Granted, I had a bit of a better experience. I went of my own volition when I felt suicidal tendencies, so there were no police involved. Still, I had nightmares about the place for weeks- specifically I often dreamt that they wouldn't let my family in during visiting hours, which was the only part of the day I looked forward to.
Also, damn those blood draws. It's so awkward being woken up to stand in line with strangers, all of you in pajamas and looking like death incarnate.
I know this is real late, but hey- you're not alone. I also kinda wanted to vent, to. I don't tell many people about this happening... Obviously. Keep trucking.
Well that sounded like an interesting albeit controversial story. I wouldn't have caused a fuss if I read it and didn't like it though. At least now I have the privilege of saying I've read this story and can now go back to reading other stories!
Thank you for not only sharing this personal story, but also for sharing the ending.