We can't always help who we fall in love with. We can never help who falls in love with us.

Inspired by:
"The Princess Bride" (1987)
"My Little Pony : Friendship is Magic" created by Lauren Faust and property of Hasbro, Inc.

In a world of peace, magic and harmony, a flawed human presence may not seem necessary. When Simon returns from outer space to find his world inhabited by creatures with an almost innate perfection, he certainly suspects this to be true. As Simon discovers and documents the fate of his species, and learns how Equestria was built on the ruins of man, he fears that he will prove himself irrelevant. But things are not always what they seem, and the life of the last human may still have meaning.

New cover art by jjames10. Much thanks to him for his excellent work. Original cover art here.

Originally intended to be one scene set in one room in which the question, "Why would a human need to be in Equestria?" was answered, my theory to address the question has expanded to the scale of a small epic. I hope it works.

A lot of the concepts and facts introduced here are so vast and academic, they really can't be expressed in dialogue. Instead a number of scenes are in "written document" format to give the reader a thorough information-dump. This is a world-building fic.

I also omit a lot of the Slice-of-life, getting-to-know-you scenes you see a lot in HiE because the focus is on concepts rather than actions.

I wish to achieve the following with this fanfiction:
Create a character whose strengths and weaknesses are clear, or become clear as the story progresses.
Give the human character a compelling reason to be in Equestria based on an interpretation of the themes of the show.
Present a theory about the character of Twilight Sparkle and her intended role in the future of Equestria
Accurately portray existing characters from the show

Sources of Inspiration (This will be very long, some sources will be missed):
"The Stars Will Aid in Her Escape (Cosmic Love)" - PMV by mmmandarinorange
"Rorschach in Equestria" by Ex-Nihilos
"The Planet of the Apes" (1968)
"Slaughterhouse-Five" by Kurt Vonnegut
"World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War" by Max Brooks (Stylistic influence)
"The Stand" by Stephen King
"Pet Sematary" by Stephen King
"Moon" (2009)
"The Old Man and the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway (Stylistic Influence)
"The Wizard of Oz" (1939)
"King and Lionheart", song and music video by Of Monsters and Men
For some inexplicable reason, this song.
My Little Pony : Friendship is Magic, created by Lauren Faust, property of Hasbro, Inc.

Sources that DID NOT inspire this work:
Arrow 18 Mission Logs: Lone Ranger by Admiraltigerclaw

Feel free to take this premise and make it better.

I feel that this story is either going to be my "Citizen Kane" or my "Plan 9 from Outer Space". Either way it's my masterpiece.

This story is dedicated to Abby, my dog of 14 years who passed away on February 26, 2013

Patches and Bill, Private Investigators (License Pending) are asked to use their snooping skills for the good of pony-kind when a murder (something almost unheard of in Equestria) threatens to upset the peaceful town of Ponyville. Since a gig is a gig, the duo agree to solve the crime. But they do things their way, no matter what the locals think of their methods.
Twilight Sparkle will learn no lessons of friendship from these two.

A little background: Patches and Bill are two detective characters who first appeared in one of my earliest written "works", a screenplay I co-wrote in high school with a friend. I've grown quite fond of them, and whenever I find myself in a new location or situation, I try to write a related Patches and Bill story as a sort of right of passage.

Patches and Bill stories tend to be dark and irreverent. They also usually feature innocent or hapless characters getting harshly alienated by the detectives. For this reason, I don't expect an overwhelmingly positive reaction to this fiction. But I feel I have to start somewhere, and this project is one I can get off the ground easily. I guess I shall make it my goal to ensure that my next project is one that will earn general approval from the community.

The one thing I can try to justify this story with is that I have seen relatively few fics where multiple human characters arrive in Equestria together. I am confident that this situation would be radically different from a "lone human" story.

I wish to achieve the following with this fanfiction:
Keep a reasonable amount of focus on the established characters of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Write something that is funny.

Sources of Inspiration:
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes
The works of Buster Keaton and the Marx Brothers
Twin Peaks
My Little Pony : Friendship is Magic

Please criticize before you praise