Chapter One: The First Chapter Should Establish the Characters
Princess Celestia sat on her throne, reading the letter to make sure she knew all the facts. She gathered information from other sources, also. Her expression was grim. At last, she decided on a course of action. Her horn lighted, and two bipeds materialized before her.
One was facing the other, while the other was decidedly not.
“…and that’s why Linux is morally superior to any proprietary operating system”
“Bill, I’d call you a Socialist, but I don't think they're that stupid. What the hell?”
Patches looked around his new environment. Bill had not noticed his own bilocation and was rebuking Patches’ statement.
“It’s not socialism. People do make money off free software. It just isn’t a lot.”
Patches turned to Bill.
“Bill, do you remember where you are?”
“We’re in Houston. Why?”
Bill looked around him and realized that nowhere in Houston could there possibly be a room like this one. The windows were open and the air conditioning wasn’t on.
“Now stop pretending you know everything. Or anything”, Patches said harshly.
Celestia rolled her eyes.
“Where are we, anyway?”, Bill asked.
Patches sniffed the air. “There must be a farm nearby. I'm definitely reminded of a stable. Furthermore, the room has been cleaned in the last few hours, and...meh”. He decided to stop since no one was around to be impressed by his deductive powers. He scanned the room.
Patches finally looked right at Celestia.
“Welcome, Patches and Bill, to Equestria.”
Patches and Bill jumped.
Patches then spoke, “Sorry, lady. I thought you were part of the furniture.”
Bill whispered, “Lady? Are you sure?”
Patches whispered back, “You don’t think it’s a lady? You talk to it”
Bill glanced at Celestia, and then locked his eyes to the floor. “It’s a lady. I can’t talk to it”
“I have brought you here for a reason”
“What reason?”
“I was getting to that”
“Who are you?”
“I was getting to that”
“I thought you were getting to the reason you brought us here”
Celestia decided to use a simpler way to get her point across.
“I HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE SKILLS THAT WE SELDOM NEED” she boomed in the Traditional Canterlot voice.
Patches covered his ears, while Bill covered his ears, doubled over, and started singing “I am the very model of a modern major general” as fast as he could.
“I AM PRINCESS CELESTIA, RULER OF EQUESTRIA. WE ARE A PEACEFUL NATION OF PONIES WHO LIVE IN FRIENDSHIP AND HARMONY. WE ARE IN A UNIVERSE SEPARATE FROM YOUR OWN. I HAVE USED MAGIC TO BRING YOU HERE. I KNOW OF YOUR CONSIDERABLE ABILITY IN SOLVING CRIMES. A MURDER HAS BEEN REPORTED IN THE TOWN OF PONYVILLE, AND I TASK YOU WITH ENSURING THAT THE KILLER IS APPREHENDED”
“You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee, You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee, You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a, sat a gee”, sang Bill.
Princess Celestia decided that was enough. “You may now ask me your questions.”
Patches uncovered his ears. “First of all, where do you get off drowning people out like that? Look at how upset you’ve made Bill. I’ll have to listen to him babble for hours now.”
Celestia spread her wings. She decided she needed to look bigger. The psychological trick worked, and Patches moved on to the next question.
"If you know about Bill and me, why don't you know who the killer is?"
"One small action is harder to notice than two entire lives, especially two as loudly-lived as yours"
Patches accepted the compliment, even if Celestia hadn't actually offered it. He'd figured out by now that this assignment was not optional. He might as well remind himself that he was here because he was so good. Or maybe this was a dream. He saw no reason not to play along.
“How much?”
“For compensation I cannot offer you your peoples’ money. But Equestria is bountiful. I’m sure we can find something that will be of value to you.”
“Gold”, Bill said, standing up straight again. He looked at Celestia and noticed her elegant, flowing, multicolour mane. He was so fascinated he stopped murmuring to himself.
Patches agreed. “Gold. That’s valuable. Will you give us gold?”
“How much?”
Patches turned to Bill. “Good question. How much?”
Bill’s eyes were still locked on Celestia’s mane. “How does your hair work?”
Celestia spread her wings again. A long, awkward silence ensued.
“Can I touch it?”
Patches jabbed his foot into Bill’s calf. Bill’s legs gave out.
Patches turned to Celestia. “Three hundred kilos”
“Very Well. Once you have solved the crime beyond a shadow of a doubt, I shall return you to Houston with your reward”
Bill got himself back up. “Nashville”, he said.
“What?” said Patches.
“Nashville. We were leaving Houston anyway. Let’s go to Nashville.”
“Why the hell would you want to go to Nashville?”
“I’ve never been there”
“You’ve never been to Fargo. Why don’t you want to go to Fargo? No. We’re going to Montreal if we’re going anywhere.”
“No passports. Let’s go to Boston”
“We can’t go to Boston. Chuck Winchester’s after us there remember?”
“How about Seattle?”
“Celestia, we would appreciate it if you’d send us to San Francisco when we’re done here”
The doors opened behind them.
“As you wish. Now go. The guards will take you by carriage to Ponyville. There you will meet my student, Twilight Sparkle. She will fill you in on the details. You can trust her, and anypony she deems trustworthy”
“Anybody” Bill corrected.
“No, Bill. They’re ponies.”
“So? We don’t say ‘anyperson’, do we?”
“Let’s go, Bill.”
Patches grabbed Bill’s ear and walked out of the throne room.
Out of the shadows came Luna, giving her sister a sour look.
“Why?” she asked.