Let Me Out
Chapter 2: Let Me Out
I assume you’ve read at least some stories before in your dull lives, perhaps short stories or novella? Hmm. So you’ve read full–length novels before. Good. Then you’ll be familiar with how, at this point, most ponies will talk about having some form of dream. Some will have nightmares that grip them at the throat as they slumber. Terrifying abominations of Frankenstein–ish monsters stalking in the shadows of ancient castles…demented lovers chasing their once–betrothed through dark dungeons, trying to consume their old flames…living in a war–torn world with death beating down upon ponykind like acid rain… Others may have pleasant dreams from which they wish to never wake. How droll and sappy, those dreams usually are.
As you may have realized, I am not most ponies.
During my unconsciousness, I did not have any dreams. No, that would be too easy, too simple, too merciful for the likes of me. Instead I simply drifted in a black void. No sign of life, no hope of a future.
Was I dead? Had I been sucked into the pits of Tartaurus? I must have been, for my mind, before, had never punished me in such a horrible fashion. Floating alone in a vacuum of nothing, no ponies to know me, to love me, to even hate me. Just me on my own, a form without sentience. As terrifying as my eternity with nopony was, that wasn't what truly horrified me. No, the crux of it would all, the unreachable fruit-laden branches and pool of water that would forever tease my aching stomach and shriveled lips were the thoughts, my mind replaying on my eyes an alternate history of my life. Eternally showing me just what I could’ve had if I’d just gotten it right.
Showing legions of fans that I’d so craved, the cheers of sheer euphoria that every act yielded from my truly amazing feats. Me, myself, performing magic acts so spectacular, so mind–combusting that even I would be moved by them. Money would never be an issue, attendance to my shows would have been assured. I would only focus on making sure my shows were the most amazing forms of entertainment that any pony could ever hope to experience. The crowds would be blissful and content, moved and changed. They would be happy, and they would love me. And my purpose in life would have been fulfilled. The Lulamoon line of magnificent magicians would have been maintained. My father’s legacy, just as his father’s before him, would live on.
And then those falsified ‘memories,’ the life I wish I could adopt as my own, would be ripped from me, replaced with the memories of what had really happened. Unabridged and unrelenting.
Around and around the cycle would go. When it would stop, I’d never soon know…
Celestia must have a twisted sense of mercy. After an eternity too long, I finally heard something, something going into my ears rather than resonating in my head. It was a voice. At first I couldn’t really hear it, thinking maybe it was just a ghost from my memories or something. But soon it got louder. It was calling for me. It was familiar. Not in the comforting sense like it would be if your father were calling for you, but in the sense that your spine suddenly froze over. Soon it was booming through the vacuum of the void, the soundwaves slamming my body, making my bones shudder.
It was Twilight Sparkle’s voice, repeating one, single chant. Trixie… Trixie! TRIXIE! WAKE UP!
And ever sappily, that’s when my mind burst out from the void and my body jolted up, a scream ripping my lips asunder.
The first thing that greeted me was darkness. Then a voice.
"You okay there, Trixie?"
I jumped at the voice and shoved myself up on my hooves. My left leg throbbed as I applied pressure, and I was forced to raise it as I lowered myself, tensing my muscles, ready to pounce on the first threat that met my sight.
“Who’s there? Where am I?”
My eyes were quick to adapt to the low light as I threw my head to the left and right, taking in my surroundings. There wasn't much. Buckets and pails, lots of hay piles, some wrapped in bales, a loft–
"You're in a barn."
My breath hitched at the familiar voice and my eyes followed the sound to a lantern, dimly lit in the otherwise dark barn. Beneath it was that farm pony, coat of a golden delicious and mane as blond as the hay she was laying upon, staring me down with steady, unyielding eyes.
“A barn? Your barn?”
"My barn,” she replied steadily. “Now what’s wrong? You still hurt?”
“What am I doing here?!” I snapped, still tense.
“You were getting mugged by some ponies. Long–short, we got you out of there and brought you to the farm; figured nopony would bother to come all the way here just to tussle with ya.”
There was a strange itch at my side. I squirmed, trying to make it go away as I stayed my gaze, my face hardening. “I see. So you brought me all the way out here to this rundown farm just to dispose of me yourself.” I lowered my head, pointing my horn at her face. “What? Didn’t want to tarnish your precious reputations as the Elements of Harmony by practicing a public execution?”
“We were never gonna execute you, no matter how much of a pest you are to society,” she replied with a cruelly calm honesty, disturbingly unaffected by my curt remark against what I assumed would be her pride and joy. When the entirety of what she said replayed in my mind, I frowned. So now I was a criminal and a pest. My prospects for the future were looking better by the hour.
“Then what? Are you going to turn me into a slave on your farm, forcing me to plow your fields and pluck your rotten apples for the rest of my life? Or are you simply going to starve me to death and use my pellet as a scarecrow?” I was starting to shake again like I’d done in that alley. At least my glowing horn and steady voice showed my valiant defiance. “Or perhaps you would like to–”
“What the hay's going on in–”
The voice of a young filly rang in my ears, followed by a much louder, familiar, and stupid sounding bellow.
“AJ, GET DOWN!”
I didn’t even get a chance to turn my head before I found myself flying into the back of the barn, my body throbbing from the impact of bones slamming into wood paneling. As I crumble on the floor beneath the loft, a pair of hooves smashed into my side, pinning me.
“Don’t you dare lay a hoof on my friends,” the new voice shouted.
I didn’t need to look up to know the rainbow–maned Pegasus had arrived on the scene. My response outclassed her angry burst in every way.
“Get your dirty hooves off of my coat, get your disgusting muzzle out of my face, and chew a peppermint leaf!”
What? It’s cliché, but better than what she’d belted out.
But I have to admit, the farm pony had won this bout of the dialogue joust, as she caught both of us completely off guard.
“Rainbow, get off’a her! Little Ms. Hocus Pocus just got spooked by me is all, she wasn’t gonna hurt me.”
“But her horn–”
–Was still glowing.
“Get Off!”
I reached into my reservoir of magical knowledge and cast an illumination spell, supercharging my horn as I did so to turn what normally would’ve been a small illuminating bulb into a searing bright light. There was a sharp pain pulsing from my horn as I summoned the spell but the pain was well worth it. ‘Rainbow’ yelped as she was in the epicenter of the blast, reeling off of me as I literally leapt forth towards my freedom. A screech slammed my ears as I galloped forward and, recalling the little filly that was at the door, I jumped over her. I smiled, having overcome the hurdle placed before me by the ponies who wished ill towards me most, and galloped with renewed energy for the edge of the farm.
Ugh, that itch was getting worse, now...
It was night out. The moon and stars in the sky provided much needed illumination. The groves of trees offered equally needed cover. Galloping deep into the throngs of fruit–bearing trees, I jumped into one and climbed its branches, poking my head from the leaves to spy in the night sky. I quickly saw why ‘AJ’ hadn’t responded to my insults against her farm. For one, the farm’s fields were much larger than I ever could have anticipated. Even in the dim moonlit night, I could see the hills absolutely saturated with acres on top of acres of trees! What’s more, the apples that weighted the branches all looked healthy and big, gleaming happily in the moonlight. How the hay somepony was supposed to traverse hills that steep and harvest these apples I’d never know!
I quickly realized that I wasn’t going to be able to plot my escape just by sitting at the base of those hills. I’d have to climb up for a birds–eye view. Shouldn’t be a problem; pulling a cart around for the better half of my life had done wonders for my physical endurance. Even with only three hooves to use, I’d make it to the top no problem. I jumped from the tree and galloped full–speed for the incline.
Ten minutes later, my legs were on fire as I trudged for the apex of that stupid, accursed hill on that ugly wretched farm with it’s–
There was a pain in my stomach accompanied by a strong gurgling sound.
–suddenly delicious–looking apples…
Heaving out breaths as heavy as my hooves as I reached the top of the hill, I reached out with my magic and grabbed an apple. I hated to admit it then, but it was the most glorious looking apple I’d ever seen in my life. It was the one artifact on this planet that dared to rival my own face for sheer beauty. Even better, it was edible. Without so much as another thought, I sank my teeth into the deep–red fruit. I chewed in delight, enjoying the crispy crunch of the skin and the hearty ‘meat’ of the fruit that lay underneath. I especially loved the juice that filled my mouth, savoring it’s sugary sweetness as I gulped down the first pieces of sustenance that I’d had in–
I realized something then. This was the first time I’d eaten anything in weeks. The first time I’d drunk anything in weeks. Most ponies could only go about a week without food, and only a few days without water. Yet… Weeks. I’d gone weeks without one drop of food or water… I should’ve been dead by now of malnourishment…of dehydration… How in the wide world of Equestria was I still here?
A loud bellow burst through the chilly night air.
“Trixie!” It was that Rainbow pony again. “Where are you hiding? Get over here and fight like a mare!”
I couldn’t help but scoff. “You don’t want that, Spectrum, trust me…” I whispered back. The Pegasus was flying over the area around the barn. What an idiot. As if I’d run back into the town…
And that is when I met up with my good friend misfortune. For the return trip to Ponyville, I’d acquired a map of the area from a Canterlot atlas shop. I’d studied that map like an aardvark would study the anthills of an ant colony. I grew familiar with a few local landmarks. Of course, the town pavilion, but also local shops like the Carousel Boutique that that Rarity pony owned, an animal sanctuary, and an apple farm which I now recalled to be Sweet Apple Acres, no doubt the farm I was on now.
The misfortune came in the farm’s positioning compared to the Everfree Forest. My survivability was entirely dependent on the notion that I would have perished in that forest. From there, I…I’d have to plan out some things, but the point is I had to reach that forest! And the only way I would be able to get there from the farm was to either cut straight through Ponyville, or work my way around the outskirts. But either way, I couldn’t avoid Ponyville…
I sighed. I then sighed again at how sighing was becoming a habit of mine. “Why does life have to be so ironic?”
I could just wait them out in the groves, hope they’d eventually lose interest and retire for the night… It’d be easy to sneak out, then.
Except there’s no way they’d actually retire. Not after the things I’ve done. That a mob hadn’t busted in that barn and carried my limp, unconscious body away in my sleep is a miracle in itself. But–
“What’s with this itch?!”
To be frank, ‘itch’ was not the proper word to describe how I was feeling at that moment. What had started as a simple itch had turned into a biting– nay, gnawing fire that burned both the surface of my skin and the layers beneath! I bent down onto my haunches and brought up my rear leg to scratch at it like a dog would when I turned my head to look at the offending skin. Where there should’ve been sky–blue fir, there was white with some stained red stripes.
“What is…” Realizing that this white material wrapped all around my torso, I brought my right hoof to my stomach. Feeling the soft, gauzy substance, I frowned, my mind starting to muddle with confusion.
“Bandages?”
It’s funny to say, I hadn’t bothered to inspect my leg until then, but when I did, I found it sitting between two wooden stints, the limb tied so tight that I shouldn’t have been able to bend it at all.
“This doesn’t make any sense. Had a nurse come by or…But…why would…”
Not even awake for half–an–hour and my mind felt like it was melting by just how impossible these prior events were. Three ways I could’ve, no, should’ve died. Three times, my life had been spared. In ways I couldn’t hope to understand. For reasons I just couldn’t comprehend. I’d been saved from the denizens of Ponyville by the very ponies I’d victimized most. I’d been treated by…somepony, of my wounds despite knowing that I was universally hated. My own body somehow had refused to let me leave this earth, staying strong despite receiving no nourishment. None of this made sense. I don’t like it when things don't make sense.
I heaved out a long sigh, clearing my lungs and throwing my thoughts onto the backburner. I needed to keep focus. Whatever was going on could only end in my demise, and I wasn’t going to have it. If I was going to die, it would be on my terms. No exceptions.
Standing on my three good hooves, I decided to just throw the dice and go for broke. I needed to get to the Everfree, and if plowing my way through Ponyville was the way to do it, then so be it. I’d be at an advantage, hopefully, with it being night time. The main street should be completely barren; even if there were a couple of ponies stationed there, if I kept up my momentum, threw a blinding spell in or two if I had to, I should be able to stay well ahead. Once I get past that southern bridge, it should be a straight shot into that accursed forest.
First things first, though. I had to get past the ponies on this farm. Plowing through wouldn’t work, here. All the cart pulling in the world couldn’t condition me to out–perform that farm pony, and the Pegasus pony had a very obvious advantage over me. I wasn’t sure how I’d shake the former, but the latter could be dealt with if I maintained proper timing... Squinting, I could see something positioned by the barn. Perhaps a barrel. If I could lure her to that spot…
“There you are!” I looked up to see that rainbow–maned pony diving down like a poorly camouflaged owl pouncing a wounded mouse. I cursed my lack of attentiveness and dove from the hill just as the Pegasus made impact. The ground quaked and I found myself wobbling as I slid on my hooves between the blessedly neat rows of trees. As soon as my sliding momentum began to slow, I bent my legs low, and the second I hit the base of the hill, I leapt up and pounded the ground again in a frantic sprint. My heart slammed against my bandage–bound ribs as the sound of wings beating the air drew ever closer to me. Desperate to widen the gap, I threw my head back and, ignoring another blast of pain from my horn, shot a branch of lightning at her. The lightning held no different properties, visually, from yesterday. Same pinkish hue, same small, slender rods.
There were two differences, though. Firstly, my aim was off and I didn’t even hit her. I even spied the bemused smirk on her face before I whipped my head back round and tried to increase my speed. Then, there was a hard, ferocious clap that sounded, shattering the cadence of my strides and making me stumble. I rushed to recover, but not before I found a blue blur whirling past me, the Pegasus tumbling forward as if she were falling down an invisible flight of stairs before she plowed her head into the ground. I actually winced when her head slammed into the trunk of a tree, but any sympathy was lost upon remembering my objective. I darted several rows over before I began my sprint for the barn again.
I figured my plan had suffered a modification, which frankly would have been preferable. To be able to knock out Rainbow Pegasus without inflicting any major damage to her (besides a concussion) may dissuade the remainder of the Elements from pursuing me further. Of course, little Ms. Tenacious just couldn’t stay down. Not fifteen gallops from where I’d left her, and she was back in the air again, going for another diving run. Again, my horn was stabbed with pain as I cast another spell, this time taking a page from Twilight’s book. I threw a smokebomb ahead of me into the trees and leapt to close the gap just as the buzzing of pony wings hummed gratingly in my ears. I confess that I smiled when I was tackled; I’d managed to twist my body around and rear back my hind legs. When I hit the ground, visibility lost inside the smoke, I arched my back and bucked my legs, sending the Pegasus back into the air and out of my temporary sanctum. I then endured another throb of pain as I cast another spell.
I smirked when the smoke cleared, feeling the connection I needed to confirm that the spell was a success. The haze faded and I had to fight to keep my smirk from turning into a full–fledged smile. The look of utter shock on that pony’s face was the closest thing I’d had to somepony being truly astonished at my abilities in years. I wanted savor it, drink it in. My hind legs itched to be reared up upon, to proclaim the awesomeness of the Great and Powerful Trixie! But my reality stayed in the forefront of my mind and kept me grounded. So I settled for a simple, curt mock.
“Bet you wish you could split into two you’s, huh?”
Without giving the pony a second to respond, my images and I split off into different lanes. I instructed one to run back toward the hills, and another to book for the far end of the fields. I, of course, would stay the course for the farm’s entrance.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that my plan was working. Rainbow Pegasus was chasing after the me that booked for the hills. I had to stop for a minute, using my connection with the doubles to plot out their routes. Climbing into the trees to track the rainbow trail striking against the night sky, I watched her go into a dive, about to tackle the first double. I was quick to respond and had the ethereal me teleport to the top of the hill. Even with my huffs for breath and the pain in my horn causing my ears to ring, I could still feel the earth rippling beneath my hooves as Rainbow plowed into the ground yet again.
“You need to try harder than that, Rainbow Crash,” I huffed with a laugh, channeling the words to the mouth of the hill-bound clone. I waited to hear the echo, and was satisfied not only to hear that the transfer was successful and exact, but to hear the absolute rage in the pegasus’s shriek! If I was able to fluster the farm pony this much, I my escape would be–
I felt my spine tingle with the touch of ice as I suddenly lost the signal to one of the ethereals.
No, not now, not yet!
My fears were grimly confirmed when I heard a shrill voice shouting, “She’s gone! Where’d she go?!”
“Well, well. She’s definitely livin’ up to her name. Gosh darned thing was a fake.”
No, it was too soon! Already, my ruse had been figured out! What’s worse, I only had a couple more teleportations or five more minutes of being connected to the other me before my reserves completely ran out.
I had no choice and no time. I had to get to the gate now or I’d have no chance!
Without even the comfort of hearing another boom of pony on dirt, I recalled the ethereal in a flash of light to my side. I then ordered it to stay with me as I made my rush for the barn.
Two Trixie’s running in tandem, trekking for a town that treasured the true Trixie's terminatiion. I could afford the risk of depleating the remainder of my reserves if I simply could reach the city streets. From there, I’d reach the middle of town and have us split off. By then I’d sever the connection to the ethereal and it would go up in a puff of smoke; no replacements either, no bunnies or doves like the days of old. The last string tying me to that wretched town would be cut and I would be crossing the bridge, running into the most twisted sense of sanctuary a pony could ever have.
The sounds of the world around me were all briefly lost as the rush of blood barreling through my system hissed beneath my ears. It didn’t take long, though for my senses to gain a foothold again, with quite the vengeance, in fact. All of the pain I felt was gone. I could hear everything now. The thundering of my hooves on the soft soil. The two–pony train steaming in from my left, two rhythms of hooves plowing the ground in a perfect beat like a piano player plunking away at the keys beneath the smooth strokes of violin chords. The furious parting of the winds by two pegasus wings. I could hear it all.
It was strange. I felt like a rabbit being chased down by a giant owl and a lion and its cub, yet, with all of this energy, my mind whirring with the efficiency of the Flim Flam Brothers’ cider machine, and the adrenaline even giving me a much–needed boost to my reserves, I felt like I had a chance.
I really had a chance to pull this off! There was nothing that could stop me! Not even the big red pony that tried to ram me as I passed the rear–side of the barn could stop me as I and my doppelganger simply leaped like gazelles over his galloping form! It felt so much like those glorious escapades of days passed by, it was absolutely euphoric!
We were approaching the gate now. All of the ponies chasing us seemed to be lightyears behind us. In fact, hearing the train lose steam, I allowed myself to steal a left–ward glance to see that ‘AJ’ and the little filly had stopped chasing us. The pegasus was still an issue, though, and I’d missed my opportunity to knock her out, having passed the barrel already. But with the surge of energy coursing through my veins, I could easily afford to teleport me and my brightly–colored shadow all the way through the town and into the Everfree.
Then the Pegasus did something odd that should’ve set off my warning alarms outright. She flew in front of me and landed just a couple yards past the entrance. As she did, I could’ve sworn I saw some sort of...ripple teasing the top of my eyes, but I ignored it. I gave in then, a huge smile bursting on my face, my confidence allowing my signature haughtiness shine through.
“You truly think you can out maneuver the Wise and Adaptable Trixie?! Gaze in awe, as I soar over your pathetic pegasus form and bounce off the top of your spiky–maned’ hea–”
I have to confess, I’d been given two warnings to not try what I was going to at that point. The first was that ripple from when the pegasus passed me. The second was the smug smirk that she wore when she landed, and how it only strengthened as I continued my boasting. When I made the jump, I was met, not with the downy feathers of pegasus wings, or even the rocky surface of a pony spine, but with the hard consistency of thin–air.
Yes, it was as strange to me then as it seems to you now.
When I first slammed into that strange sheet of rock–hard oxygen, I was very properly dazed and confused, and my horn, having also come in contact with the barrier, felt like it’d been dipped in liquid–nitrogen before being dropped in a pit of lava, it hurt so much! I brought a hoof up to inspect it as I lay in a prone position, amazed to find it’d stayed attached after a hit like that. I then brought that same hoof to the air before me, and was disheartened to find that rock–hard consistency was still there. No...no, rock hard wasn’t what I was getting with that second touch. No, it felt more like a smooth cup...no, smoother than that, almost like glass. Like a fish...bowl...
“A shield?”
“Yup,” that Rainbow–maned abomination replied with stolen smugness. “Twilight conjured it up when we brought you here. There’s no way out for you.”
“What?! But how are you able to get through?!”
There was a strange flash of purple on my eyes, only to dissipate and leave the form of a purple unicorn in its wake.
“I see you’re awake,” the unicorn said, voice flat and unfeeling.
The adrenaline that had fueled me for the past minute fell away now like butter from a hot biscuit. My whole body trembled as I saw the face of the pony who I’d spent a year trying to conjure the perfect act of revenge towards. The one pony in the world who I’d truly believed existed only to crush my career beneath her hooves. The one pony I’d wanted so badly to feel the pain that I’d felt after the event with the Ursa Minor.
And now, the one pony I most wanted to get away from. Surely the wrath of a cockatrice would be more merciful than the retribution I’d receive from Celestia’s most prized student.
My mouth was topped up with cement liquid, magically drying between my teeth and asphyxiating my lungs. All I could think to do was back away, my trembling muscles screaming for me to run.
“There’s no point in running, Trixie. I designed this shield especially for unicorns. Rainbow Dash and Apple Jack can come and go from the farm as they wish, but you can’t leave, and you never can until I take down the shield.”
“You can’t keep me here,” I growled, trying so hard to summon the assertive confidence that was far too familiar to me just a few minutes prior.
“I can, and I will. Letting you leave was a mistake I made before that I am not making again. Not until we get to the bottom of some things.”
“You will not keep me here, Twilight Sparkle,” I answered again, more force working its way into my shivering words. “We agreed that if I lost the duel, I would leave Ponyville, and never return. You are reneging on the terms of our agreement, now let me out!”
“Nice try,” she responded, voice as dry and calculative as when she’d first arrived. “First of all, such agreements aren’t even legally binding in Equestria anymore. Nopony has the authority to banish another equine citizen from their home or any city except the executive body of the local government. In other words, only Mayor Mare could actually make that call. Second of all, even if the terms of the duel were valid, they were rendered void when you allowed me to return for that second duel. Furthermore, I don’t recall you making any new terms or reinstating the old ones when you agreed to the second duel. So there is no real reason why you have to leave."
"Your nonchalance is unsettling- why aren't you angrier than this?"
“Because, while I am angry, Trixie, I am not about to let my anger cloud my judgement. Do you know what some of the ponies think back in that town? They think you are as bad as Discord or Nighrmare Moon. They thought you were a thrwat to them. They think you're evil, Trixi e. Despite what everyone in town thinks, I don’t think you’re evil. You’re mean, you’re a jerk, but you’re not evil. I want, no, need to know you Trixie. I need figure out how you came out to be the way you are and see if any of that can change.”
“Why does any of this even matter to you?” I asked, my voice trembling again, but with every emotion under the sun except the ones that could bring me any form of comfort.
“Because even though the things you did after duelling me was ultimately a result of the Alicorn Amulet, I know that you still had a motive for acquiring the amulet in the first place. You targeted me, Trixie, blamed me for the tarnishing of your reputation and career, which judging by your first arrival to my home, wasn’t that bright and sunny to begin with. Long–short, I want to set the record straight on some things between us, because while I don’t necessarily want to ban you from Ponyville or report you to the Princess, I also don’t want you coming back here again trying to maul me with a brainwashed pack of Timberwolves.”
“If you’re so worried about me coming back, why don’t you just take care of the problem yourself?” The tremble refused to leave as my voice lost all hint of force. There was no life left, no vigor. Twilight's voice also seemed to fall into similar circumstances.
“Because unlike you, I am not a vendetta–obsessed pony.” She sighed like she’d suddenly received a ton of lead on her back. Her head hung low and only now did her eyes begin to droop. “Look, it’s late at night, we’re all still tense, and you’re scared out of your gourdes. There’s nothing I can say that could possibly relieve your nerves, and frankly, I’m not in a position to try. Just...Try to get some sleep, alright? I’ll be by in the afternoon and we can get everything straightened out." Twilight spread her weary eyes to everyone by the dome before simply nodding and vanquishing herself back to her home in a purple flash.
And that quickly, the countdown to my life's finale began. By the time that pony was done mining my mind for information of my past, especially the weeks preceding my siege of Ponyville... I know this may seem like a broken record by now but you have to understand. In my circumstance and with that history, there was no hope.
As I was escorted back to the barn by Applejack and Rainbow Dash, I no longer had any will to fight. My escape mission had been a failure from the start. Now I followed my guards back to my holding cell, shackled by the chains of defeat and conformity, yielding to inevitability of my demise. My life was no longer in my hooves. It was in Twilight’s. Tomorrow, I would be tied to the guillotine, the sharp blade that would hang over my head glistening in the punishing heat of the all–revealing sun.
It was only a matter of when she would pull the switch.
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Hope Trixie gets over the whole self pity-depression thing, it's not like she was assaulted for an evil relic, had some nazi take her town, was enslaved as a child to pull somebody around or was banished from her friends and family, right?
Trixie, stop the emo crap. Have you heard anything of what Twilight has just told you? she-doesn´t-want-to-harm-you.
As for the ponyvillians, they should be warned that trying to take justice on their own hooves again could cost them heavily, legally speaking. I don´t imagine Celestia liking lynching mobs too much, no matter the circustances.
2525606 Well now, let's be frank here. Both Twi and Trixie (duh) are aware that despite the amulet's corruption, she still sought out to hurt and humiliate Twilight all the same. And as you can see, Twilight is indeed still livid about the whole thing; if not at what happened to her, then what befell the remainder of the town and her friends, an entire town suffering collateral damage as a result of Trixie's thirst for vengeance. After the rage that poured from Twilight like that, would you, in Trixie's hooves, believe a word she'd said with no known actions to back them up?
First sentence requires revision to clarify subject.
This is quite nice. Normally, well-written fics such as this receive at least a few hundred views, and at least a hundred upvotes. First chapter didn't have enough words to hit featured box.
This story seems interesting. I will fav it, for now. It seems Trixie has quite the tale to tell.
2528559 ...That... That doesn't even...I've gone though a crapload of look-overs, how'd I miss-
*runs off to grab a bunch of gardening implements*
ALRIGHT YOU GRAMMATICAL WEEDS, GET READY FOR ERADICATION!
Also, there's a word-count qualification for the feature box?! (not that I actually thought I had a chance [before Darth Link 22 faved it], but considering a story about Fluttershy getting spooked by animal crackers made it there, once...) What limit is that, may I ask?
2528974
I've been told that 5k words is the min. Might want to check the rules, wherever they might be. I can't find them with my limited Internet access capabilities. My dad has *fiction.net blocked off from the network, and I'm limited in my abilities to bypass his blocks.
2529286 Looks like that's close. I was within the suggested word length w/the first chapter, right in the middle according to AbsolutelyAnonomous. (Think I spelled that wrong)
Given the other requirements to acquire a spot on that popularity ticker, though ... I'll just try my best to tell my story and what results results.
Speaking of trying my best, it looks like I really botched up the beginning. For one, trying to talk afterlife philosophy is neither a strength nor an interest of mine, so shoehorning that in wasn't wise. As a result, it came out long-winded and clunky. I'll fix that up tonight. Also, something feels off with the exchange between Twilight and Trixie ... it doesn't feel... complete ...Another issue to tackle... Does anyone know how I can go about acquiring an editor or prereader?
I'm on pins and needles, friend. Can't wait to see where it goes.
Well, I suspect you're not much going to like what I have to say, which is one of the reasons I don't usually go around dropping extensive criticism on stories at random. But I did read through the whole thing, and my inline observations and overall conclusions are presented below.
The first thing that jumps out at me in this story is that I only know Trixie is narrating because of the story description. Trixie has a distinctive (if arrogant and fairly annoying) voice, and you aren't using it for her narration. Now this isn't necessarily a problem – like I said, Trixie's voice is likely to be pretty annoying if we're stuck with its canon version for a long time – but if you're going to write a first person narrative with starring The Great and Powerful Trixie without that voice, you're probably going to give her a different (less annoying) type of very strong voice to compensate. Instead, this sounds like a pretty generic narrator. Past that, the phrase, "do you have any depression meds on you," sounds distinctly un-pony and un-Trixie. It presupposes a whole section of Equestrian society about which we have no canon information, and without that backing or supporting work in the story, it feels like a lazy anthropocultural addition.
Your prose in the beginning of the story is intermittently good, but occasionally you have sentences like:
This sentence has two parenthetical phrases in it and, at best, a missing comma which hampers readability. Phrased properly, it would still be too weighed down to make for very effective prose, but it would look more like this:
You seem to be developing a voice for the character here, but it's not something that really fits very well as a Trixie voice in my mind. Trixie has shown herself to be brash, confrontational, and grandstanding. Metaphor and introspection just don't seem like the sorts of things she'd be prone to, in telling her own narrative – not without some explanation of why her interior and exterior personalities show a significant difference, though.
The idea of a mob of angry Ponyvillians threatening violence to Trixie is... Well, I know you have this story tagged as AU, but that's pretty wildly out of keeping with the show. It basically makes no sense in a canon environment. The interplay between them and Trixie is a bit one-sided, too. Trixie is first pathetic, then she's a clever fighter, then she's a bit athletic. For someone who's well-established in canon as a flawed character, her first bit of interaction seems to cast her as pretty flawless, and those opposing her as pretty much one-dimensional monsters.
And then this just seems to turn into abuse porn. Trixie is sad. Trixie is crying. Nobody will listen to Trixie. The mean Ponyville ponies insult her, and then they beat her – in considerable detail no less.
Chapter Two begins with something that looks a bit more like Trixie's voice – kind of a blend of Carl Sagan and Glinda from the start of the musical Wicked. Still a little too lyrical, I think, but closer to the mark.
This is a small thing, but I can't for the life of me imagine that AJ would actually say this. It implies a detatchment of perspective, like there's no connection between AJ and the barn in question. Surely AJ knows more about the location than that it's just "a barn"?
And the scene with AJ is making Trixie incredibly, incredibly unsympathetic to me. So she gets saved from a mob of violent ponies, but fails to realize that (apparently) the Mane Six were the ones to save her. Fair enough, she had a traumatic experience. But her first thought on waking up and conversing with AJ is that she must have been brought to the middle of nowhere so she could be properly killed and disposed of, or made into a slave? She was already failing to gain sympathy last chapter by not showing much character depth, being plyed against the aforementioned one-dimensional monsters. She's just bleeding it now, acting like a pony who's never shown more than strong annoyance to her has somehow changed into a crazy sociopath. From a characterization standpoint, this is making Trixie seem like she's either very dim or suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. The latter might actually mesh with canon, but it's a bit extreme to throw on a character who hasn't won reader sympathy.
Rainbow Dash attacking Trixie also seems out of character, though not severely so. Again, RD is a character who has never shown more than strong annoyance and Trixie has never been set up as a very credible magical threat. RD is hot-headed and prone to rash action, but immediately attacking a pony that's just come away from being beaten by a mob isn't exactly standard Rainbow Dash.
Twilight's going to legitimately say the Mane Six should have let Trixie get beaten to death by an angry mob? It's a good thing you're putting up an AU tag.
Okay, and it looks like I'm done. So, I think the criticism is fairly easy to sum up:
On the good side, you write action well and your prose is generally good. I know I mentioned some problems early on, but they didn't recur. The writing in this piece is good, from a structural standpoint, and it engages the reader well. On the action front, you do a good job painting scenes and choreographing action so that it's easy for the reader to follow. I know I'm largely focusing on the negative here, because that seems to be what you asked for and because as someone who worries a lot about character, there's a lot here that doesn't sit too well with me – but I want to make clear that I'm not just throwing this out to give you some good. Your prose is fair enough to be getting on with (which is really all I care about – the point being, you're better off worrying about structural issues rather than prose at this phase in your writing) and your action is legitimately good. A lot of writers, especially in fanfiction, seem very ill-equipped to handle action, and it's always nice to see someone put it together well, so kudos to you there.
On the down side, Trixie never comes off as a sympathetic character to me. Nor does anyone but AJ, really. Rainbow Dash is much more violent than I'd expect and Twilight seems particularly cold. She seems to be treating Trixie with about as much antipathy as she treated Discord in "Keep Calm and Flutter On", except that Discord is a legitimate antagonist where Trixie has never really been much more than a nuisance. But the largest problem for me lies with Trixie herself, who alternately shows bouts of hyper-competence, tear-jerky pathos, and addle-brained slowness, without really getting a firm character voice through most of these two chapters. It's about 7000 words, I think, before we get her saying anything resembling "The Great and Powerful Trixie" and 3500 before her internal voice starts matching with what we know of her character.
I hate to say this because I know precisely how bad it sounds, but Trixie feels pretty Mary Sue'd here to me, and it makes me have a very hard time taking the plot seriously. Her only clear fault in this story is that she's dumb as rocks and can't figure out that the Mane Six don't want to kill her, which should be Canon 101. Otherwise, she's opposed by one-dimensional monsters for no reason I can really see other than to provoke sympathy; and she makes a surprisingly good show of fighting them off at every turn. There seems to be some sort of allusion to Trixie having unknown new powers in Chapter 2, I assume because of her time with the amulet, but nonetheless giving her new powers to make her better doesn't feel very honest to the character when her old state is largely unexplored.
I think that's about all I really have to say on the story. I suspect it's not what you wanted to hear, but hopefully you can find it helpful.
Looking back over your original request, now. One thing I would say, I'd strongly encourage you to finish this if it's not a total burden for you. Criticism or no, the best way for writers to get better is through practice, and I DID read the whole thing you've written so far. I've stopped reading plenty of stories earlier than that and given comments.
This is by no means a failure as a story. It's compelling, and it definitely pulls the reader along. It has some significant problems to my eye, but it also has a good upvote ratio right now and I'm sure there are plenty of readers who are willing to overlook the characterization issues that I get hung up on. I stand by my earlier assessment, and I'm very glad you have an AU tag up, but I definitely think it's worth continuing if you're willing to do so.
2570465 Oh, I have all intention of finishing this up, don't worry. And while I'll admit the critique was hard to receive, it was needed. Desperately needed, it seems. It's funny; I've been re-reading this story for the past week wondering why I couldn't bring myself to like what I had down, and now I finally have my answer. The fact that I actually allowed myself to do so many things in my own writing that I hate to see in other works is simply eye-opening.
I'm actually appalled... It's sad how much I derped up on the characterization.
I guess I'll start with where I tried and failed with the first chapter, namely, the town and the mob. Really, all I can say is... The concept of Equestria truly being as peaceful and forgiving as portrayed is very hard to wrap my head around. I'm not saying every pony goes through a Purge like in that new movie coming out, but surely some ponies let out their aggression through violent means now and then. Furthermore, I was hoping to portray a Ponyville still a bit on edge, and I imagine Trixie would still be seen as, if not an active threat, then a potential recurring one. I also had hoped to show that the mob was a very small fraction of the town, and that they were the most paranoid of the population. Perhaps I could've had some of the other members of the population try to intervene...?
With the prose used to represent Trixie's thinking/narration, I imagine her rather broken at this point. Her career is still in shambles after all she'd tried to do to regain her reputation, her rep itself is in the sewers, and she has nowhere to go, as far as she knows. I guess at this point, she wouldn't feel very Great and Powerful. The mistake I made with this, I think, is not working out how her prose would reflect this while still sounding like her. How do I maintain that arrogant air about her when she's actively hitting her lowest point?
Moving to Chapter 2 and the Mane 6...
I turned Rainbow Dash into an unstable war machine... I mean, okay, the first punch thrown in the barn may have made sense, Rainbow is a bit rash at times, but for God's sake, I had her doing bombing runs! And what's sadder is I knew from the start of writing that chapter that all of the action was ultimately unnecessary since Trixie was trapped in the dome. Yet in the attempt to show that Trixie's strength in her magic is her resourcefulness, I threw in a boatload of improbability...
Speaking of the dome, Twilight... I've read a lot of fiction regarding those two, and it seems a lot of bronies like to just start of straight with Twilight accepting Trixie as a friend and trying to make them BFF's. I hate to sound hipster, but I guess I was trying to establish straight away that I was breaking away from that trend. By the time I'm finished (if not with this specific story then with the ones I plan to write afterwards) they will become good friends, almost Mane 6 tier. But i wanted to try and ease into that level of relationship, and I can't imagine them being near that level of friendship by the time I'm done. Acquaintances, maybe, but not quit friends.
However, I definately did go too far with it... I suppose I could've gotten away with having Twilight being so clinical with her handling of Trixie, but you're right, that level of overt, violence supporting hatred that I had her spew out in that shout was unacceptable. Even after the duel in the canon, she didn't show such aggression. After the first duel, she simply was focused on leveling up and getting back into Ponyville. After the second duel, she'd sort of adopted Trixie's smugness, but...
*sigh*
How could I have allowed myself to get it soo wrong? I imagined after the mob that Twilight would be trying to reassure the town that Trixie was no longer a threat now that she didn't have the amulet in her possession, but even then, she'd have her doubts. I truly believe that she would be suspicious of Trixie's motives - not of why she went after the Amulet, of course, that was explained, but of what would keep her from doing something like this again. i will stand by the dialogue that came post-rage, she cares a lot about her friends and her town. Surely it's understandable that she'd want to keep something like this from happening again, if she could so help it. I understand, though, that that outburst definately came a bit out of left-field and helped to put a stain on my portrayal of Twilight. For that, I apologize.
Finally, the biggest issue. A Mary Sue... I cannot for the life of me believe I allowed Trixie to become a Mary Sue! And with regards to her 'idiocy' regarding the Mane 6... All I can say is paranoia... She's in an odd limbo, in my head, of self-preservation, even as she's wondering if her life is still worth living... Jeez, I have so many elements I'm trying to portray, it's all coming out as a big jumbled mess...
I admit, I'm glad to know that action is a strength of mine, but storywriting is about more than
simply "Porning it!" as Nostalgia Critic put it in his review of Pearl Harbor. I will not allow myself to become a literary Michael Bay!
And this ends what probably is the most self-disparaging reply ever spawned on this site (I'd hope to say it looks more like critical analysis spurred by a hard-knocks honest critique). I'm probably going to lose followers at this point, though...
I just want to reiterate, I truly thank you for the critique. I asked in Chapter 1 for honesty and I am glad to finally have received it. I see where I need to fix things (if I can actually attempt such massive revisions at this point, though, I'm unsure) and where I need to improve. The biggest lessons I've learned are to be more cautious about the handling of the plot so I don't butcher the characters just to push the story along and don't rush trying to get the story out - I envy the people who can confidently churn out their story chapters days at a time, but I'm obviously not there yet.
I'll have to tread lightly with how I progress with Chapter 3, my biggest worry being further irrationalizing Trixie. Before I put pen to paper on that front, I want to run my vision of Trixie by you, if you don't mind, her strengths, weaknesses, personality and backstory. With Trixie, I've realized, it's almost like working with a fresh OC, since, besides Lauren Faust's confirmation the other week that she attended Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, she has no history to work with. I just need to make sure these are absolutely sound.
Thank you, again for the critique.
WARNING: Spoilers ahead to anyone who hasn't read the story!
2580799 No problem, and I'm glad that you seem to be taking it well.
Judging by the comment, I think your headspace for the Mane Six is generally pretty good here – and I definitely think they (particularly AJ and Twilight) are the best-executed of the characters so far. I think they could be improved, but standing on their own I think they'd mostly fly.
I'm not taking another look while writing this comment, but from memory I strongly suspect that the two big things that (in my mind, anyway) need fixing are Trixie's characterization and the opposition to her, primarily from the mob. The mob was the one thing that really left a bad taste in my mouth.
If you're interested in revising – and I definitely think this could be productively revised, because there's a good core here – I think my first suggestion would be to revisit the mob stuff in chapter 1. If it were me and I wanted a mob scene, I'd make the mob less overtly violent to start: they want to throw Trixie out of town for what she did, not enact vengeance (which, to me anyway, feels very alien to the setting). Have Trixie be less plaintive and more confrontational with them (and at most, just a little fearful), to help her characterization. And, I think, probably have Trixie be the one to start being violent by kicking the trashcans(?) at the mob and trying to run away, thus further provoking them. Then, when they chase her down, they can be even angrier.
To justify having Trixie go unconscious and wake up in the barn, you're probably going to need some sort of attack to close out Chapter 1, but I think you can make it much less violent. Having everyone pile on is more numbing than horrible, I think. Again, this is just me, but what I'd probably go for is something more like an epic shouting match for a few lines, which turns into Trixie and the mob ringleader shouting insults back and forth at each other and ends with somepony (I'd stick to the ringleader, if she was a unicorn, or possibly an established #1 lackey of hers) getting so worked up that they, alone, hit Trixie in the head with something. Make her go woozy, get hit one or two more times, and then you can have her vaguely notice Twilight and company showing up, and have her not understand what's happening.
Then in Chapter 2, I don't think there's all that much to do. Make clearer and consistent mention of Trixie having a bad headache and continuing to feel woozy, and show that this is contributing to her failure to understand what's happening with the Mane Six. That gives a lot of justification for her failing to understand something that's really obvious to the reader, and I think the problem there right now is really one of degree. It's so obvious to us what happened that it's hard to buy that Trixie, who isn't stupid, can take so long to pick up on it even with her initial lack of trust toward the Mane Six.
Anyway, there's a chunk of unsolicited advice for you. Do with it as you will.
I think there'd still be more to do to improve the story past those changes, but stories can always be improved. I feel like making the mob more sympathetic and Trixie less so, that would probably be enough right there to get a thumbs up from me on the story. As it is, Trixie has a lot going for her here – she's the central character and she's generally pro-active. She'll retain a huge amount of sympathy even if you make her more confrontational and annoying, like she often is in the show. The real crux of the Mary Sue problem, here and in all writing I think, is trying too hard to make your character sympathetic. She gets sympathy easily here, and so you're much better off playing to her established personality (especially so you can give her a good character arc and some redemption later) instead of trying to make the reader have even more sympathy for her.
Good luck, and I'm glad you're still encouraged to be writing! I'll look for your PM, though it might take me a day or two to respond, based on what my workload looks like when it hits.
2580892 Hmmm. The first chapter re-do's will take a couple days to execute, but the main suggestions for chapter two will be a snap. Shouldn't take more than an hour. If I manage to finish by the end of the week, I'll be forced to take a brief couple-week hiatus on the story as I go out on to a week-long meeting with the folks (including two-day travel going and coming from the southern coast).
I'll send you that PM later tonight or in the morning; sometimes it takes a little time to properly put down and organize my thoughts.
Pleasepleasepleasepleeeeeaasssseeeeeee update soon, it's sooooooo gooodddd
This was a rather nice read. I do hope you finish it sometime.
I hope this gets continued one day.
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Creator hasn't been online since 2015, I doubt it unfortunately.