Datalon
Joined 8th Apr, 2013 ·
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This is really effing creepy, but I can't quite figure out what's going on.
Oookay ?
I think I picture what's happening, but it's still confusing.
2395210
It's surrealistic fiction, you're supposed to feel that way.
Long review.
i.qkme.me/3qk2k6.jpg
I honestly hope, for your own good, that this fic's English is intentionally crap. That being said, intentionally crap is crap nonetheless. No, a six year old's writing is NOT an excuse for giving your audience eye cancer.
While there are errors all around (4% error quote? Really?), what particularly disturbed me was the lack of capitalisation. Honestly, even if we for now assume that you somehow managed to get one of the zero keyboard in existence without a Shift key, why is your capitalisation perfect anywhere but in the text? Foul excuse for laziness, I'd say.
And then... the plot. Oh, the plot. First off, no, nothing you can say can excuse this. It's the incoherent version of a twelve year old's idea of horror. If you'll insist on chaining together horror elements with no emotional weight whatsoever, at least make sure the reader has a basic idea of what the hell is going on.
This could've worked very well as 4-6k, taking time to show the individual effects and, not the least importantly, telling us what is happening. There could have been true weight to the transformation, but here it's puff and away you go. You might notice that during my review, I compared your fic to Dead Space, which shared a similiar problem.
This seems to be a drastic change, so why in the name of bollocks burgers don't you go about to actually show us? More importantly, there never seems to be any chance of them actually surviving this mess, yet Mrs. Cake doesn't seem to be concerned in the slightest. Were there spores coming from him already indoctrinating her? What change came to their minds that they'd willingly embrace becoming what seems to be monsters? What was it even that they'd use as a special ingredient which could turn them into that? Does that mean that all of Ponyville is already infested with it too? Are there aftermaths? Was Mr. Cake a slave of the stuff already, secretly (unconsciously?) spreading it through pastries before becoming a true host?
I get that you're trying to make it surreal, but you absolutely need to explain more about what is going on. Even a little kid is going to write as much as they can about this, because it's very important to him. This is his daddy after all. We need to feel more of what Pound feels. It's so brief and emotionless that it feels like he doesn't care. I don't even think he says that he's scared.
With some revision and expansion for emotional connection and a bit of clarity, this could be good.