Shut In

by Datalon

Shut In

dear diary

my name is pound cake and i am soon six years old. I live in the Town of Ponyvill, and my mommy is a baker with my daddy. i also have a little sister who is named pumpkin cake and nice pink pony who sees us with smiles. we live in a nice house that smells good because of the cakes. My name is cake, but some cakes are different. Daddy cake goes into the town a lot for his smells, or forest. i like the forst smells.

...

Dear diary,

today daddy cake was sad. there was ponys in a big line outside and they wanted the cakes but they already ate all the cakes. then daddy said tomorrow he will go to get the special ingedent. I will go with him because i am his extra special helper and he wants extra lots of help to carry more

...

dddear diary

me and daddy pound cake went to the woods to get special stuf. We pulled them out of the floor and to the basket but then daddy YELLED and started yelling softer. daddy had his snout in hoof it was big and shiny and red. we went home after that because daddy wanted sleep. i hope he is better now.

...

dear Diary,

i was sad today. daddy has not been at the front counter today. mommy has bee moving more around, to do what daddy does when he is up. Mommy told me that daddys face was still red and squished, so we have to wait for him to be better now. when daddy is outside his fur is on the floor and i have to help mommy sweep. he is inside most tho so sweeping is ok to help

...

dear diar

there was a pony from the books place today. she was here to see daddy and make his thumps go away. The pony went into his thump place to see him and when she came out something made mommy very very sad. i tried to help with sweeping but mommy says no sweeping. just go to sleep.

...

dear diary

mommy has been taking care of daddy more. she says he will be okay soon as long as we can be okay and smile when we see daddy. pumpkin sees him more. i have to be very quiet becas the thumping happens when we play loud, and when the thumping happens mommy has to come up and make the thumping quiet again

...

diary,

daddy is up on his hooves some more. mommy says he is started to be all better again. I smiled to hug him and it was sticky and some of daddy fell onto me. it burned me a lot and i cried. Mommy got real sad, and yelled that i hurt him. i have to not hurt him anymore so we can be together now

...

dear diary

the nice pony came back today to help daddy and make him better. mommy says shell be done soon, and then she left in my nap. daddy was thumping not loud after. he yelled loud and mommy had to thump to stoop it but now it is okay and daddy will be better

...

dear diary

nopony has been to get smells. mommy keeps the front shut and turns of the lights. when we see outside theres no line anymore. mommy says everypony is waiting for daddy to be all right again. then he can make the smells appear and everything will be nice and happy.

...

Dear diary

Nobody has been making smells. i asked mommy, but i had to go back to my room because she was talking to daddy. daddy is thumping more and drips and it smells but mommy says we have to be in. Pumpkin is with daddy and mommy is with daddy and i am alone.

...

diary diary

mommy and daddy said all that we can be together and family. to make it better like it was, we have to let the burn in. i still burn a little from when we hugged. pumpkin is closer then i am. mommy is very close too. just have to sleep and wait until it is okay again.

...

somepony tried to come in and hurt daddy and mommy. mommy told me they cant take it. this is our family and we are togther and we love each other forever and nopony can take it away ever forever. when mommy couldnt make them go away daddy cake told them away forever. the smells are back in the walls. we can taste the staleness of the wood, and know we are complete. a family

...

deeear diary

daddy had us let the nice pony in. when they were in he was quiet. the nice pony went up to him, and his pieces went through her, took it all and slicked it to the earth. we can all have smiling now. its another joined to our family. they sleep dreaming with us until waking.

...

DEAR DIARY

the nice pony broke. daddy was walking and she was tried to stay balance but then she was on the floor and broken in whole. daddy took her away to be safe. after daddy sharped the nice pony we sweeped the mess like mommy and me used. the broom was wet and got heavy after it was clean and gone. daddy says we wont need to be cleaners ever again

...

dear diary today daddy said we were try again for a nice pony. nice pink pony came in and daddy knew her before we were together. let her in today and she was unhappy now. daddy says when she is better like us she will smile again. we will give her teeth back to let her grin.

...

Today went through and our friends are here we are having a cake and tea party. A nice pony said he was lonely but we know hes lyin becus we hav so many friends. Daddy wanted all to be happy, even if theyr liars, so he made that there were more smiling happy pones at our table. they were made of daddy. everypony around grins, and nothing can take our love away.

Comments

[Papillon Rose]

This is really effing creepy, but I can't quite figure out what's going on.

[FicusCat]

Oookay ?

I think I picture what's happening, but it's still confusing.

[Datalon]

2395210

It's surrealistic fiction, you're supposed to feel that way.

[Toraka]

Long review.

i.qkme.me/3qk2k6.jpg

I honestly hope, for your own good, that this fic's English is intentionally crap. That being said, intentionally crap is crap nonetheless. No, a six year old's writing is NOT an excuse for giving your audience eye cancer.

While there are errors all around (4% error quote? Really?), what particularly disturbed me was the lack of capitalisation. Honestly, even if we for now assume that you somehow managed to get one of the zero keyboard in existence without a Shift key, why is your capitalisation perfect anywhere but in the text? Foul excuse for laziness, I'd say.

And then... the plot. Oh, the plot. First off, no, nothing you can say can excuse this. It's the incoherent version of a twelve year old's idea of horror. If you'll insist on chaining together horror elements with no emotional weight whatsoever, at least make sure the reader has a basic idea of what the hell is going on.

This could've worked very well as 4-6k, taking time to show the individual effects and, not the least importantly, telling us what is happening. There could have been true weight to the transformation, but here it's puff and away you go. You might notice that during my review, I compared your fic to Dead Space, which shared a similiar problem.

This seems to be a drastic change, so why in the name of bollocks burgers don't you go about to actually show us? More importantly, there never seems to be any chance of them actually surviving this mess, yet Mrs. Cake doesn't seem to be concerned in the slightest. Were there spores coming from him already indoctrinating her? What change came to their minds that they'd willingly embrace becoming what seems to be monsters? What was it even that they'd use as a special ingredient which could turn them into that? Does that mean that all of Ponyville is already infested with it too? Are there aftermaths? Was Mr. Cake a slave of the stuff already, secretly (unconsciously?) spreading it through pastries before becoming a true host?

[Madeline L-Equine]

I get that you're trying to make it surreal, but you absolutely need to explain more about what is going on. Even a little kid is going to write as much as they can about this, because it's very important to him. This is his daddy after all. We need to feel more of what Pound feels. It's so brief and emotionless that it feels like he doesn't care. I don't even think he says that he's scared.

With some revision and expansion for emotional connection and a bit of clarity, this could be good.