SSR: Shut In · 6:56pm Apr 8th, 2013
Yup, it's this time again. Fire up the poop cannon, we're gonna need a 21 salute right from the start, followed by suppression fire.
You know that feeling when you're quite literally beating on a dead horse?
On that note, here's the YAFIWTD Shut In.
No, seriously. Who tosses this in front of me and expects me to rip it to shreds, when its entire consistency is already only a fine dust of crap with the occasional grain of sweet corn?
Anyway, today we're talking about a YAFIWTD I found in a bin. The new stories box to be exact, Celestiaplot knows that there's only shit in there. So you know what my first impression was? "This seems to be quite shit," I thought. "Is it intentional that this cover art looks like it was hand-painted by a five-year-old? Why does he barely use capitols?"
You know, I'm already tired of this fic. Let's go beat on BioShock Infinite some more. Why did the Vigour upgrades have to be so exorbitantly expensive, yet required to do even the slightest shit with it? Just plain ridiculous, especially considering that there's a far cheaper way to do the same damage, that being bullets. Yet, of course everybody calls it the best game ever made, if only because its plot seems intricate and deep because the average Joe is too retarded to understand exactly how stupid it is.
Anyway. Apparently, this fic is trying to recreate the now six year old Pound Cake's diary. And I only have to say, it does really well at that. Only one thing, if you're gonna try to market that as an excuse for your horrific English, think again. Proper language isn't an optional piece, it's respect towards your reader! Why should I bother with your crap if you're not even gonna give me that? See, I can tolerate simple language, and it'd actually work really well as a stilistic tool, but why did the grammar and spelling have to suffer equally? An error rate of about 5% simply from spelling alone isn't stil, it is an atrocity you shouldn't force your audience to endure! (As a reference, the previous sentence already had more than 20 words.)
But you know what's worst about it all? Call up MasterOfEtherium and tell him to touch this dude, perhaps the antimatter singularity will destroy them both. Likely the universe with them, but that's a risk I can take. Basically what I'm going at is that he never capitalises anything, ever. Y'know the official explanation for that? Because his keyboard doesn't have a Shift key. Sir, I am slightly inclined to call that bullshit, especially since your capitalisation is perfectly fine anywhere but in the text itself.
Okay, but I don't usually take this long to bang on about other stuff, so what about the plot? What about the plot, it'd be an incoherent mass of bullshit even if written by a cunning author. From what I've managed to decipher with my gorgeous, amazing brain of mine is that, while gathering some special ingredient in the woods, Mr. Cake got hit by something and infested and then eventually his family and surroundings get infested too. I was just thinking about it, "This seems a lot like Dead Space, would that fucking annoying cunt just have gotten unified as he deserved. Actually, it seems like a lot of other things, too."
Yes, it's a first timer, but if your first time only brings three drops of splooge, then what else do you expect? Everypony turning into alicorns? An alignment of Equestria to your little fantasy world? Yeah, we'd all like a lot of things, dude.
I'd bash the plot further, but there really isn't any. It's a sticky mess of incoherence and badly presented even at that. You see, the problem I see many new authors experiencing is a huge underestimation of how much is truly necessary to bring a plot across. This one might work, if at least 4k and with some light reflavouring. In other words, it comes across only as shit when forced into the 1k corset and written as is.
I'd be willing to forgive the fic, and believe me there's a ton of forgiveness required here, if it'd at least aknowledge itself. But all he says about it responding to the comments about the absolute mess of a plotline is that it's a surrealistic fiction and you're supposed to not understand anything. Oh. Okay then. Actually, that makes it fucking ideal, doesn't it? It's a metaphor for the entirety of BioShock Infinite! It forgoes everything in favor of it's awesome plot whilst ignoring the masses telling it that everything is quite a nice thing to have and that its plot actually sucks balls, partially because it's being way too secretive with it.
Oh, and don't tell me I just don't like Infinite, as we know it should be titled. As crap a game as it is, I had quite a bit of fun with it, it just didn't feel like appreciating that and instead cried in my face for not loving it harder while tossing insults at me. It strikes me as odd that a game which is already that full of praise for itself practically has every company-approved "critic" ever just lining up to suck its hairy balls, while the rest of it tries to cover up the rest of us telling it how crap it actually is.
On that note, I'm awaiting the criticism singularity. You see, video game ratings have been continously on the rise over the past years, if only because of companies whose name contains in any way the word "game" without also including "star" being falsely accused of being a valid information source. But now we're at the place where every game is instantly declared the best game ever when the quality is actually already on a drop downwards. Just imagine in ten years from now on, where will we be? Will the first rendering glitch screenshot be enough to give a game 11/10?
Or maybe we Swiss will just decide to stop fucking around and pull the trigger on the bloody LHC already. Certainly won't make the world any worse, that's what I can say.
Wrote a novel in which literally significant nothing happens
Lightspeed 'Toraka' Lullamoon
Say there's an atomic rocket flying towards Switzerland coming from Korea. Surely somebody would intercept it, but who? After all, it'd probably be prematurely detonated, and being under an atomic blast is not comfortable. Eh, sacrifice Poland. Because fuck Poland.
Why is it even significant that Hiroshima's bomb was dropped onto a hospital? Would it have made a difference to drop it 100 meters further north?
