I actually found myself talking out loud to myself about what Rumble was saying to Scootaloo. I don't often feel bad for rapists, but damn, dude, I actually feel bad for Scoots.
I feel a lot worse for Rumble, at least so far, but still, just . . . damn.
I won';t lie it started good then went to shit... I looked forward to updates from chapter 1 untill this one then this one I literally just skimmed to see if he ever went back... he didn't so I am unfaving.
2513949 I won't lie i started reading this knowing it wouldn't go well but I liked RumblexScoots. I knew the minute it started she was in heat and that she would be pregnant and I knew that Rumble was going to go through some I don't know i I like you Scoots but to put it the way you did I just feel the need to keep reading gone. I honestly don't feel any love or even like for this story anymore. It ended on to much of a finality like yep I don't like you at all have fun Filly Idon't know.
I'm sorry, but this is getting just WAY too dark for me, and I'm unfavoriting. It's not that it's bad, it's just that things are making me feel really uncomfortable.
2514151 welll... Lets just wait and see I read that your only gonna havelike 9 or so chapters we are at what? 7? so only 2 or 3 more and we should see how it goes. Normaly I have to deal with this stuff happening for like 10 chapters. 2 or 3 should be fine... so still faved just downvoted till i know if its gonna be good or not. Don't worry will change it if it ends good.
Comment posted by CanoLathra deleted May 2nd, 2013
A colt in love with a filly that didn’t love him back, but there was another filly that he did love
If the colt was in love with the filly, and she didn't love him back, and he loved another filly, either the sentence was worded poorly, or you meant to say that the filly loved the colt, but he didn't love her, instead he favored another filly, would that be more accurate?
2514977 So... more or less, you are just making stuff up? I'm just pointing out something I saw as I read that could have been worded better, it's no big deal.
Thank you! I was waiting for a chapter like this! I was hoping Rumble would say something to Cheerilee about her... Performances. So well written. Also, not to be nit picky, but I knew Scootaloo was going to be pregnant right from the first chapter... Ya know, when Rumble jizzed in her... Any way, loved it, please wrote more. Lots more.
This is primarily a review of chapter IV, probably my favorite of the story so far, but I’m placing it here because it contains spoilers for the later chapters.
I really liked your use of repetition in chapter IV. At first, the repetition seemed a bit annoying and intrusive, but as I kept reading, I think that was the point. Repeating the line, “there are things that you can shut your eyes to stop seeing, or cover your ears to stop hearing,” helps to reflect the growing sense of unease building in Scootaloo’s mind throughout the chapter. Indeed, in this and future chapters, the repetition shows how much her thoughts of Rumble, and what she did to Rumble, weigh on her mind. Those thoughts and memories keep bubbling up to the surface no matter how much she tries to shove them down and ignore them. I absolutely love your use of voice in your writing, especially how you manage to convey how the characters are utterly confused by everything that’s happening to them, and the repetition really helps enhance these effects. It's as if the repetition is Scootaloo’s subconscious, pushing against the front she’s presenting to the reader.
I also like how, as the chapter progresses, the words change meaning. At first, the line describes Scootaloo witnessing her Aunt having sex with her coltfriend. However, as her thoughts drift toward her relationship with Rumble, as she becomes increasingly distracted by thoughts of him, as she breaks down at lunch with Rainbow Dash, we see that the line means so much more. The words come to reflect her guilt for what she did to Rumble, the uncertainty of her relationship with him, and the confusion that she feels about her actions. Even the next chapter adds some nuance to the meaning of the line. After we see hints that Scootaloo was sexually abused before she moved in with her aunt, we suddenly understand some of the sights and sounds that that she can never forget.
That said, using the same technique in the other Scootaloo chapters somewhat lessens the effect in the future chapters. In chapter IV, the repetition was fresh and jarring, helping to create the desired effect. In the next two chapters, the effect is a bit stale.
Of course, I might be willing to overlook the overuse of the technique because I could see repetition as being a very important motif for this story. This is probably a bit of overanalysis and speculation, but this story seems to be about cycles of sexual abuse. It seems like we are to understand how Scootaloo got so fucked in the head by observing how her actions drive Rumble toward the same fate. You strongly hint in chapter V that Scootaloo was sexually abused as a child, completely messing up her ideas of love and sex. With those screwed up ideas in her head, Scootaloo abuses Rumble, fucking over his ideas of love and sex as well. Now, Rumble appears to be poised to do the same to Dinky Doo. And the most fucked up thing about it all? This is how it happens in real life, too.
I’m scared for Dinky Doo. I’m scared for Rumble. I’m scared for Scootaloo. Please don’t stop writing.
But anyway, I like the disjointed style of this story. It seems to add a level of complexity to the human pony psyche behind these ponies, and makes it seem more... realistic.
Well then~ This is getting interesting!!!
I actually found myself talking out loud to myself about what Rumble was saying to Scootaloo. I don't often feel bad for rapists, but damn, dude, I actually feel bad for Scoots.
I feel a lot worse for Rumble, at least so far, but still, just . . . damn.
Bu... I.... Wha..... Gueh.... Buhg.... *Hand wiggle* WHAT THE FUCK?!
I'm starting to get a serious "School Days" feeling from this story.![:pinkiecrazy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiecrazy.png)
sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/58402_595062740508518_83656881_n.jpg
Oh please don't be going where I think your going with this. It's already dark enough.
2513758 2.bp.blogspot.com/-q_tYbH-5aJ8/UGyX3X9qCUI/AAAAAAAACpY/kKeiJ_s5Ieo/s1600/1265581992968.jpg
I won';t lie it started good then went to shit... I looked forward to updates from chapter 1 untill this one then this one I literally just skimmed to see if he ever went back... he didn't so I am unfaving.
2513940 Went back to what?
2513949 I won't lie i started reading this knowing it wouldn't go well but I liked RumblexScoots. I knew the minute it started she was in heat and that she would be pregnant and I knew that Rumble was going to go through some I don't know i I like you Scoots but to put it the way you did I just feel the need to keep reading gone. I honestly don't feel any love or even like for this story anymore. It ended on to much of a finality like yep I don't like you at all have fun Filly Idon't know.
2514026 It's not over yet, but I respect your decision.![:ajsleepy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png)
I'm sorry, but this is getting just WAY too dark for me, and I'm unfavoriting. It's not that it's bad, it's just that things are making me feel really uncomfortable.
2514151 welll... Lets just wait and see I read that your only gonna havelike 9 or so chapters we are at what? 7? so only 2 or 3 more and we should see how it goes. Normaly I have to deal with this stuff happening for like 10 chapters. 2 or 3 should be fine... so still faved just downvoted till i know if its gonna be good or not. Don't worry will change it if it ends good.
Scootaloo is pregnant? Do ho ho ho ho ho!
2513742 i agree with u there, it better not be, that anime mentaly scared me for life
A colt in love with a filly that didn’t love him back, but there was another filly that he did love
If the colt was in love with the filly, and she didn't love him back, and he loved another filly, either the sentence was worded poorly, or you meant to say that the filly loved the colt, but he didn't love her, instead he favored another filly, would that be more accurate?
2514962 It might be intentionally confounding for effect. Or some shit like that. :P
2514977
So... more or less, you are just making stuff up? I'm just pointing out something I saw as I read that could have been worded better, it's no big deal.
2514997 LETS ALL CALM DOWN HERE
Yes.About time it started getting good :D![:twilightsheepish:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsheepish.png)
I mean... yay, babies...
Poor Scoots.
Well, better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all.
Wonder what she's gonna do with the kid.
This is edging in on very close to home territory. Well minus the rape and pregnant things...
Well… Rumble seems scarred for life :3
Man, this shit is heavy. And uncomfortably applicable to real life. Keep it up!
Damn, that was relentless. That is a broken pony right there.
It is difficult to be in Rumble's head for any length of time, I'm honestly glad you cut the chapter short.
Scoots being preggers... NOT what I expected, but should have.
Rumble getting ballsy and saying that about Cheerilee... HOLY SHIT!
omg bro when scoots said she was pregnant i LITERALLY FLIPPED MY LAPTOP OVER:twilight blush:bro the was crazy as hell![:twilightoops:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightoops.png)
AND OMG WHAT RUMBLE SAID TO CHEERIEE WAS insane
like wtf wow @_@ one of the best chapters of any story I've ever read![:raritystarry:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/raritystarry.png)
omg i just read the last part bro DONT DO it no NOOOO NNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!![:raritydespair:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/raritydespair.png)
2534906 Now I should start writing it again to deter you from spamming the comments section this badly again. So sorry.
There. Got rid of just one and it looks so much cleaner. Terribly sorry. Just had to do it.
Ha! You tell it to Cheerilee, Rumble
That oughta knock her down a peg. Not that the porn she did didn't already do that
Thank you! I was waiting for a chapter like this! I was hoping Rumble would say something to Cheerilee about her... Performances. So well written. Also, not to be nit picky, but I knew Scootaloo was going to be pregnant right from the first chapter... Ya know, when Rumble jizzed in her... Any way, loved it, please wrote more. Lots more.
WOOO!
I'm surfing on a wave of deleted comments!
2574492 Spam, friend. It came in.
This is primarily a review of chapter IV, probably my favorite of the story so far, but I’m placing it here because it contains spoilers for the later chapters.
I really liked your use of repetition in chapter IV. At first, the repetition seemed a bit annoying and intrusive, but as I kept reading, I think that was the point. Repeating the line, “there are things that you can shut your eyes to stop seeing, or cover your ears to stop hearing,” helps to reflect the growing sense of unease building in Scootaloo’s mind throughout the chapter. Indeed, in this and future chapters, the repetition shows how much her thoughts of Rumble, and what she did to Rumble, weigh on her mind. Those thoughts and memories keep bubbling up to the surface no matter how much she tries to shove them down and ignore them. I absolutely love your use of voice in your writing, especially how you manage to convey how the characters are utterly confused by everything that’s happening to them, and the repetition really helps enhance these effects. It's as if the repetition is Scootaloo’s subconscious, pushing against the front she’s presenting to the reader.
I also like how, as the chapter progresses, the words change meaning. At first, the line describes Scootaloo witnessing her Aunt having sex with her coltfriend. However, as her thoughts drift toward her relationship with Rumble, as she becomes increasingly distracted by thoughts of him, as she breaks down at lunch with Rainbow Dash, we see that the line means so much more. The words come to reflect her guilt for what she did to Rumble, the uncertainty of her relationship with him, and the confusion that she feels about her actions. Even the next chapter adds some nuance to the meaning of the line. After we see hints that Scootaloo was sexually abused before she moved in with her aunt, we suddenly understand some of the sights and sounds that that she can never forget.
That said, using the same technique in the other Scootaloo chapters somewhat lessens the effect in the future chapters. In chapter IV, the repetition was fresh and jarring, helping to create the desired effect. In the next two chapters, the effect is a bit stale.
Of course, I might be willing to overlook the overuse of the technique because I could see repetition as being a very important motif for this story. This is probably a bit of overanalysis and speculation, but this story seems to be about cycles of sexual abuse. It seems like we are to understand how Scootaloo got so fucked in the head by observing how her actions drive Rumble toward the same fate. You strongly hint in chapter V that Scootaloo was sexually abused as a child, completely messing up her ideas of love and sex. With those screwed up ideas in her head, Scootaloo abuses Rumble, fucking over his ideas of love and sex as well. Now, Rumble appears to be poised to do the same to Dinky Doo. And the most fucked up thing about it all? This is how it happens in real life, too.
I’m scared for Dinky Doo. I’m scared for Rumble. I’m scared for Scootaloo. Please don’t stop writing.
2598048
Echo that.
This. So much this. So much pain and for those so young.![:raritydespair:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/raritydespair.png)
More feels. Illusive, why must you torment me so?
But anyway, I like the disjointed style of this story. It seems to add a level of complexity to the
humanpony psyche behind these ponies, and makes it seem more... realistic.I have to feel sorry for Scootaloo, though.
Onwards to the next chapter!