Over The Hills and Far Away

by Anal Invader

Good Times, Bad Times

Over The Hills And Far Away

"Why me?" was Phil's only thought.

Phil thought he was a nice boy who helped out the elderly and didn't pirate his music; stealing music from ships at sea was too much work anyway. He wasn't Mr. Rogers or anything, but he thought, contrary to the opinion of everyone who knew him, that he was a decent guy. Still, no matter how good or bad he may have been, he personally believed that he didn't deserve to be running from what looked like a kitty that had grown up on a varied diet of protein and more protein. It was bigger than any cat he'd ever seen with an oversized lion's mane, as well as paws that looked like they were bigger than Phil's torso. But the paws weren't what he was scared of. What really got him going were the pearly whites that Mr. Whiskers seemed quite intent on showing him.

"Where the hell am I?" Phil thought.
"Just what the hell is this thing?" Phil thought.
"Why is everything so pastel looking?" Phil thought.

Phil had a lot of thoughts.
However, none were quite as prominent as: "Jumping gelatine, this thing is going to eat me!"

Phil helplessly limped through the menacing looking trees in what appeared to be a cartoon forest. The beast chasing him was forced to slow down to navigate through the trees, but was still keeping pace with the shaky, injured man.

"Damn it all!" Phil shouted. "I don't care where I am for now, I've just got to lose Mr. Whiskers before he uses me as a scratching post."

Just then, Phil stumbled over a root conveniently placed for plot and face planted directly into the ground. He attempted to stand, but found he couldn't due to prior injuries, along with general plot reasons, and turned to face his demise.

"Is this really how it ends?" he said dramatically.

Mr. Whiskers saw its prey defenceless and pounced into the air, landing on a not so prepared Phil. He felt its immense weight immediately crush his ribs. Phil was already in shock for the most part, so the pain only made him wet himself a little bit...Don't give me that look. As if you haven't pissed yourself before. He grimaced and looked up to see the face of death staring him right in the eye. Death's ears were cuter than he would have imagined. As he felt his trousers fill with urine, his life flashed before his eyes. He saw his beautiful mother, his handsome father, as well as his gothic brother, Steve. Steve had a little too many piercings on his face for Phil's liking. Or anyone's liking for that matter. He saw his father teaching him to ride a bike, as well as that time he walked in on his father and the cleaning lady wrestling. His father stopped and gave him 5 dollars to get something nice and not mention what he saw to mothe-...wait...he didn't remember that one very well.

It didn't matter now anyway. The beast's ivory teeth were centimetres(metric is best measurement) from his face. Phil closed his eyes. The beast roared and Phil waited for the unpleasant feeling of being headless, but instead heard someone cry out.

"Stop!" shouted a quiet feminine voice. "What have I told you about hunting this close to Ponyville?"

Phil groaned. "Great, she's not even here to save me." Phil struggled to breathe and felt his conscience slipping away.

"Now mister, you march yourself back into the Everfree forest and hunt there," the voice said in a motherly disciplining manor.

Phil felt the lion get off his stomach, but was still too petrified to open his eyes.

The quiet voice piped up again. "Now that's a good bo-OH MY GOODNESS! I didn't see you underneath him! Are you okay?"

Phil turned his head towards the concerned voice and gave one simple response. "Ugh." He couldn't hold out any longer and passed out, again, your friendly neighbourhood plot, with a single fleeting thought:

"I totally should have gotten more money from that cleaning lady deal."

Author's Note:

Comments and whatever else you feel the need to say are appreciated. I wrote this at 5 am cause I drank three coffees, so I'm curious to know if this was a ball of crap.

The idea came to me on a warm spring's day after some hard work at my rock farm. I had just finished the mining and the rolling, so my mind wandered into Ponyland and they told me to write this. Some of that wasn't true.

In conclusion, Led Zeppelin rules, I plan to be writing more chapters soon, and Celestia is best pony. Any questions?

Comments

[Fucks Ungiven]

All rights reserved... To fuck me? And this is funny as I read this at 12:30 am

[meerkat8472]

"I totally should have gotten more money from that cleaning lady deal". Yes, yes you should have.

[RainbowDragon]

CELESTIA IS BEST PONY

[Jagged Fox]

Good Times, Bad Times, you know I had my share; when my woman left home for a brown eyed man, well, I still don't seem to care. Oh dear Celestia, make it stop! My head is reeling with the active effects of reminiscence! Just don't name a chapter "Stairway to Heaven", "Kashmir", or "Immigrant Song" before you near the end. I'd be fuckin' mad if you jumped the gun on those!

[DoubleT4596]

Funny, and with Led Zeppelin song titles for chapter names?? I don't think this could be much more awesome.

[satnapillowpants]

Thank you for naming these with Led Zeppelin songs for two reasons: 1-Led Zeppelin kicks ass, 2- I now know EXACTLY what I am going to listen to as I read these chapters.

[Tyrant]

Decided to come and see your story since you commented on mine, and oh man. I already like what I see. Great GREAT introduction by the way, really deserves the comedy tag. I'll be watching this.

[MemoryLane]

Alright. Well, I'm finally getting around to reading this. I just want to start out and say the the plot and the idea of a man who is irresistible to ponies when he gets wet is absolutely genius, and hilarious. I'm already giggling at the future of this story and what just might happen. Oh well! Time to get reading!

I expect good things from this.

[Hunterhd1]

Mr. Whiskers

Is that a Dan Vs refrence

[thatguyyeah]

no magiccarp is best pony

[Anal Invader]

2868675 YOU TAKE THAT BACK, MORTAL! Heracross is by far the better pony.

[metroid_freak]

2868689
HA HA BIDOOF IS BESTEST PONY FUCK ALL OF YOU!

[LayDownHunter]

Bah ha ha ha ha! That was fucking hilarious! For the plot this and for the plot that... Awk, it's been a while, I hope the rest is as funny as this.

[Gazpacho]

I have a question. Will there be orgies? If yes, I'm out and I am giving this a dislike.

[Science-Mare]

along with general plot reasons, you had my curiosity but now you have my attention

[Azelze The Mephistocorn]

I laughed so hard and this is only the first chapter! You got a like from me!

[Therisinghero]

4005876

[deadmemes]

GAAAAAAASP *spits out coffee* HOW HECKING DATE YOU?? INCHES AND FEET ARE BETTER, YOU HECK!!

[Kadigan]

Just then, Phil stumbled over a root conveniently placed for plot and face planted directly into the ground. He attempted to stand, but found he couldn't due to prior injuries, along with general plot reasons, and turned to face his demise.

Gold.

Also, "faceplanted".

---

Don't give me that look. As if you haven't pissed yourself before.

Pissed? No, not to waking memory at least. Shat, yes - a few precious times come to mind, all with extenuating circumstances (equally shitty, believe me). But piss? Naah.

---

He saw his father teaching him to ride a bike, as well as that time he walked in on his father and the cleaning lady wrestling. His father stopped and gave him 5 dollars to get something nice

This is why we need to teach kids what sex is... and the value of keeping it quiet. Years of extortion could've gloriously been had... For shame...

---

9228816
Shut that trap at precisely 0cm or I'm gonna be shoving that foot down yer throat.

*takes out a ruler and faps to it in Eurofag*

---

In conclusion, Led Zeppelin rules, I plan to be writing more chapters soon, and Celestia is best pony. Any questions?

That's not how you spell Twilight.