Over The Hills and Far Away

by Anal Invader

Custard Pie

Custard Pie

Phil opened his eyes groggily. His head was pounding like no tomorrow. He couldn't quite remember why, but he had a feeling it had something to do with a wooden floor and something buttery. Maybe he had finally seen his cholesterol level. Not that it wasn't absolutely perfect or anything...

"Ughhh," he grunted. "Why does my head feel like it was run over by a freight train? What is going on up there?"

*Meanwhile, in Phil's brain...*

"Private Mindbuster, what is your report?"

"We have sustained heavy damage along the part of the brain that controls language, Captain Serotonin. I don't think Private Fromage will ever recover."

Captain Serotonin face went pale. "No! Without Private Fromage, we may never remember grade 9 French again!"

"Y-you can't be serious, Captain! W-what can w-we do?"

The captain closed his eyes. "There's nothing we can do Private. Nothing but sit here and wait for our demise..."

*Back in reality*

Phil shook his head. "God, I need an Advil. Or maybe some morphine. Yeah, morphine would sure hit the spot right abo-"

"Umm...excuse me."

Phil froze up. That voice, that unmistakable voice. Why couldn't that voice be any other voice? He turned to the source and there sat the being that both saved his life and terrified the living crap out of him. A colourful talking horse. His eye twitched and his mouth contorted into a nervous grin. He assumed it was female from the tone of its voice and its frilly colours. She sat in a puppy-like manor with a bag of ice at her fe...err...hooves.

"I-I don't m-mean to interrupt you, b-but I th-thought you might want an i-ice pack. You hit you h-head pretty hard when you...umm...screamed and passed out."

Phil wasn't listening to what she was saying. He was still to hung up on her ability to speak in the first place. "You...you can t-talk? You can really talk?"

She looked away awkwardly. "Well...I am talking right now, aren't I?"

"...Technically I have to accept that...wow..." He tilted his head at the yellow equine. Upon closer inspection, she didn't seem like any horse he'd seen, and not just because of her colour scheme. Her eyes were much larger than any horse he'd seen, and he had seen quite a few horses in his time. Like 6 or 7. She also appeared to have a tattoo on her thigh. Horse tramp stamp? We may never know. He took a look at her back and realized he had missed something pretty important. She had wings. Wings! She talked and was a mythological creature from legend? Some people had all the luck.

The horse, or what Phil called her out of jealousy, Wingy, reached down and picked up the ice pack in her mouth. In a move that surprised Phil, Wingy opened her wings and fluttered up to his head level.

"That'll help soothe that nasty bump on your head," she said fluttering back down. "I-I'm sorry I startled you before, I never expected you to react that way to me. Umm...if I can ask, why did you react like that?"

She stared at him with her huge turquoise eyes waiting for an answer. God, those eyes were big. Phil could see his whole body in her eye's reflection. He thought about it for a bit and realized his reaction to her presence might have been really flamboyant a tad strong.

"Umm...well...I've just never seen a talking horse before, that's all."

A look of shock and surprise overtook her face. "I-I don't know what a 'horse' is, but do you mean you've never seen a pony before?"

"I've seen ponies before," Phil said, finally calming down a bit. "I've just never seen talking ponies before." Suddenly a metaphorical lightbulb appeared above his head and Phil remembered his objectives. He needed answers. Not an ice pack for his little bumpy-wumpy, but cold, hard answers. But of course, manners first.

"Forget about that for now," he said straightening up. "I need to thank you for saving my life. Another few seconds and I would've been Meow-mix. You even bandaged my wounds for me. I really can't thank you enough."

She looked down in embarrassment. "I-it was nothing, really. I look after animals all the time, so I'm used to treating injuries every once in a while."

"I've never really been injured like this before, but the bandaging feels alright, so I'll have to accept you did a good job. By the way, my name is Phil, and I don't believe I caught your name."

"..." Wingy's gaze drifted downward and she pawed the ground nervously. "Mm name s' fl...sh..."

Phil wasn't quite sure he caught what she said. "I'm sorry, did you say your name was Musty Rye?"

Wingy tried to hide behind her hair...mane...thing in an attempt to look even meeker than she already did. "I said, mm nme s' ..ut....hy."

Phil scratched his ears to make sure he wasn't hearing things. "Busty Guy?"

Busty Guy started shaking. "*eep*"

"Oh, okay, my mistake. You're pretty quiet, y'know? It's nice to meet you, Custard Pie. But I gotta be honest with you, that's a pretty strange name."

She stopped shaking. "Umm...that isn't my na-"

"I mean, I guess it's better than Busty Guy," ignoring her. "But your parents really could've picked a better name, or at least a better topping."

"That's because it isn't m-"

"Maybe raspberry, or lemon cause you're all yellow and stuff."

"Because it's n-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, you must get people saying that a lot, you don't want to hear it from me."

"..." She gave Phil a tired look. She had never been a fan of tomfoolery.

Phil didn't pick up on her frustration. "So Custard, could you tell me where we are?"

Her expression brightened. "Oh, yes, we're in my home right now; it's where I look after all my animals like bunnies and squirrels and-"

Phil, once again, cut her off(so much for manners, eh?). "Whoa, whoa, sorry to interrupt. I'd love to hear your life story another time, but right now I just want to know what country we're in. I get the feeling I'm not in [insert country here] anymore."

"Oh, umm...sorry. Right now, we're in Equestria."

Phil couldn't recall a country called Equestria, but he was never very good at geography. His own personal philosophy was that it was un-patriotic to learn about other countries when he could learn about more important things, like how to find his house on Google maps.

"Just what continent is this 'Equestria' on?"

She stared blankly at him. "Umm...continent?"

Now Phil started to panic. "You know, like the seven large land masses that make up Planet Earth. The continents."

"...Planet Earth?"

Phil felt something in his brain snap. "Uh oh."

Author's Note:

Phew, I've finally gotten through the questioning part of this fic. Next chapter, I finally get to dive into the juicy part. The shipping.
Stay tuned folks!

Comments

[meerkat8472]

Uh oh is right Phil, you so screwed

[Coltsguy]

I've decided to like this only on the basis of your chapter naming style. Kudos!

[Anal Invader]

2332677Meh, I'll take what I can get

[Hawkx1]

Earth? Oh you mean what the earth ponies called their colony on Equestria before the three races combined, it was better than the name Dirtville. After reading what I just wrote how does she not know about Earth there are Earth ponies and I believe are called such in cannon.

[Anal Invader]

2332739After reading what you just wrote, I can do nothing else but agree. I figure throwing the word "planet" in there will fix it for the most part. Don't let me get away with anything like that, y'hear? Please drown me in corrections whenever possible

[Hawkx1]

2332807

Ehh why not I'm already correcting spelling on "A Faraway Land" might as well pick up continuity areas in this one

[iampieman]

Uh oh....spaghetti o's. I had to say it. Phil is in one tough pickle right now. Feel sorry for him.(and a little jealous)

[Fucks Ungiven]

Lol I don't think [ insert country here] exist haha was pretty funny you know he probably smells horrid cuz of pissing his pants twice

[Mr AJ]

If Fluttershy = custard pie because she's yellow, then would AppleJack = Tangerine?

[Anal Invader]

2336451 you're catching on fast. Too fast

[Mr AJ]

2336802 Zepellin makes up about 1/3 of my playlist I listen to at work. (The other 2/3 being a mix of Ozzie, Queen, Metallica and a few dubstep pieces.)

[Anal Invader]

2336860 Good on you I'm a huge zeppelin nerd, so I've got every zeppelin song, save like 5 or so.

[Jagged Fox]

2337439 Wow, you picked a less well known song for this! I like Physical Graffiti, so I still know this song, lol. For this one, all lyrics. It's got an abstract form, anyways.

Drop down, baby, let your daddy see.
Drop down, mama, just dream of me
Well, my mama allow me to fool around all night long
Well, I may look like I'm crazy, I should know right from wrong
See me comin', throw your man out the door
Ain't no stranger, been this way before
See me comin', mama, throw your man out the door
I ain't no stranger, I been this way before.

Put on your night shirt and your morning gown
You know by night I'm gonna shake 'em down
Put on your night shirt Mama, and your morning gown
Well, you know by night I'm gonna shake 'em down
Your custard pie, yeah, sweet and nice
When you cut it, mama, save me a slice
Your custard pie, I declare, it's sweet and nice
I Like your custard pie
When you cut it, mama... mama, please save me a slice.

I'd like a slice of your custard pie.
Drop down

[DoubleT4596]

type your 3 favorite Zeppelin songs!
1. Kashmir
2. Stairway to Heaven
3. Over the hills and far away

[Tyrant]

I suddenly have this ravenous notion to carry a Fluttershy banner while chanting, "Custard Pie, Custard Pie, CUSTARD PIE!"

[themultiversewatcher]

She stared at me with her huge turquoise eyes waiting for an answer.

Because you asked to be corrected, 'me' should be changed to 'him'. You know, point of view.

[LayDownHunter]

Bah ha ha ha ha, he's a bit of an asshole, I have to say. Still funny as hell though, I'm sure Busty Guy, I mean Custard Pie, would see the humour in it from our point of view.

[WorldWalker128]

Phil opened his eyes groggily.

I'm sorry, but regardless of what description you give if this guy in the future, I'm going to keep picturing Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince.
....Actually, that's probably going to make this that much funnier.

He couldn't quite remember why, but he had a feeling it had something to do with a wooden floor and something buttery. Maybe he had finally seen his cholesterol level. Not that it wasn't absolutely perfect or anything...

And this has sealed the idea.

[unknowncape7377]

I just read through the past few chapters with the attack on titan theme in my head... IDK why tho

[Kadigan]

She sat in a puppy-like manor with a bag of ice at her fe...err...hooves.

... so wait. You can pinpoint the plural of "hoof".

How?

(also, "puppy-like manor" is probably an interesting place)

---

umm...screamed and passed out.

Again. Fainted. How many times must we go over this?!

---

His own personal philosophy was that it was un-patriotic to learn about other countries when he could learn about more important things, like how to find his house on Google maps.

I is confuse.

Murricafuckyeah and metric?! What sort of wrong, wrong creature are you?