Rarity should have known better than to make an order without seeing the product in the store, but she couldn't help herself this time, and now she's stuck with it. Hopefully she can get some inspiration, and when a certain pony shows up, she learns that she can make anypony glamorous!
Unfortunately she made a promise she isn't sure she can keep, and with the added stress of keeping her shop going, making every pony going to the Ponyville Gala happy, and trying to teach a clumsy pony how to dance, she's finding herself between a rock and a hard place.
Chapters (2)
Next up in Rarity's fashion fiesta, Tom the rock!
Good fic, a solid 4/5 stars from me, keep it up!
Bubblecup? OH! Derpy. :)
I'm of the opinion that Ditzy Doo (mentioned in Winter Wrap-Up) and Derpy (named in The Last Roundup) are similar looking ponies. Maybe even twins, down to having the same cutie mark.
So. blasted. CUTE! Great job!
Just a couple of grammatical mis-steps:
"world renown fashion designer" should be "world renowned fashion designer", if I'm not mistaken.
" Yes, she wasn't the most brightest of ponies". Either drop the "most" or change "brightest" to "bright".
" "Really Rarity!" Consider sticking a comma before Rarity.
Other than those, solid throughout. I particularly liked how you broke up some of the quotations with action in some parts.
I've heard Derpy called by quite a few names (still partial to Bright Eyes, myself), but Bubblecup is a new one. I have to say, I like it; fits the naming scheme well and acknowledges her often swept under the rug cutie mark. Whatever she's called, your version of her needs a giant hug.
Totally watching you now.
183925
Oh thank you for the comments. I kind of wrote this in notepad and quickly tossed it into firefox just to check the spelling. That and I've been out of school for a decade now so a lot of those rules have slipped my head. I'll be sure to fix those errors soon!
5/5 would read again. Even if I replaced every instance of "Bubblecup" with "Derpy" in my personal copy.
Hate the name you gave her, but the story is okay so far.
I like this!
I like this story! Bubblecup is a cute name. Rarity is very nice in this story.
Ooh, was this originally marked "Complete", or did I just assume that chapter one was a standalone piece? Cool to see more, regardless!
I'm going to be honest: This could have used some serious proof-reading. Here's a less-than-quick list of problems:
""Oh Rainbow Dash!""
When a character's being addressed, stick a comma before their name. Many examples of this throughout, but I'll not quote them.
""Man Rarity, can't you see I'm busy right now,""
Again, comma before name, but the big problem is the missing question mark.
"maneuvering another cloud into position and gave it a light kick."
Mismatching tense. "Maneuvering another cloud into position and giving it a light kick.", or "Maneuvered another cloud into position and gave it a light kick."
"Rolling her eyes, Rainbow Dash floated down the ground."
Missing "to", unless RD is floating the ground down and not herself to it.
"The rain pattered against Rarity's head, and she shook her head"
This isn't incorrect, but it is redundant.
"It would probably just get in the way, "What if I could teach her?""
Not sure if this was meant to be one sentence, thought I'd point out that it was.
"With a long glance her way, Bubblecup stood up tall, "You'll help right.""
Missing question mark. Maybe consider a comma before "right".
"With a single, masterful stroke, Bubblecup took a hoof forward, and imediately caught the edge of the raincoat and dragged in, the coat rack, and herself into a giant heap on the floor, tangling her hooves on the yellow material."
"Immediately" has two 'M's. I assume you meant "dragged it" and not "dragged in". (Love this part, even though I had to reread it a few times).
"It was some time later when Rarity had excused herself from Bubblecup and went to the spa in an effort to regain some control she was losing in an effort to teach Bubblecup grace, beauty, and charm."
This sentence isn't objectively wrong, but it's cumbersome and bloated as anything. I've italicized one redundancy, here's the second: If Rarity is trying to "regain some control", it's already been implied that "some control" has been lost; there's no need to say it.
Even with those fixed, though, I re-re-reread it, and I still wasn't completely sure of its meaning. It's later, Rarity's now at the spa, she excused herself to it "in an effort to regain some control she was losing in an effort to teach Bubblecup grace, beauty, and charm."? I literally had to type it out myself to make sense of it.
Here's the result: "It was some time later when Rarity had excused herself from Bubblecup and went to the spa, in hopes of regaining some control in her efforts to teach Bubblecup grace, beauty, and charm." I hope it's a decent suggestion: I'm no great writer, but it's at least a sentence I can swallow.
"Yes, she was clumsy, but was it a result of her sight, or because no one had ever given her positive attention and taught her how to walk properly."
Return of the phantom question mark.
"Rarity motioned to the spa ponies that they were ready to start the treatments, and the two spa ponies nodded and lead them away from the lobby."
Redundancy, again.
"Steam and heat pressed all around Rarity, and the cold from earlier the day became a distant memory."
Missing "in"?
"Fluttershy said and put on the fluffy white robe that had been left on the table for the two friends to put on,"
More redundancy, but on top of that: Two friends are meant to put on the one robe left for them? Maybe have Fluttershy put on "one of the fluffy white robes left on the table for them", instead.
"Lavendar filled the air, mixed in with the smell of hot, moist air and soft, soothing music."
Hot, moist air and soft, soothing music have smells?
Maybe try having "the smell of lavender fill the hot, moist air, mixing with the soft, soothing music."
"that took a cordination that few ponies had, even if they trained their whole life."
"Coordination", not "Cordination". Ponies (plural) training their whole life (singular)?
"All she wanted was her spotlight and her lead stallion and her story to play out in the spotlight, and instead she had to take second best."
Redundancy, spotlight. Lots of "and", but that's fine if it's what you're going for.
"feeling a thousand little pins of pain from where her body had tightened at,"
"at" is the biggest problem, the unnecessary "from" is an afterthought.
"Their were so many orders pilling up, and spending time with Bubblecup was taking away time from her work but ..."
"There", not "their"; "Piling", not "pilling". Consider a comma before "but".
"It smelled good, and she noticed the bookbag left on the table with Sweetie Belle's books and homework spilling out."
Two completely unrelated thoughts, one sentence. You could say that Rarity took in the pleasant smell of the carrots and noticed the bookbag in one sentence, as they're both things Rarity does. I question having "It smelled good" as a sentence at all.
""Sweetie Belle, get in here this instance!""
This "Instant"?
You call Sweetie Belle "Sweetie Bell" a few times.
"She asked and hovered the shoe over the table, then stopped when she noticed it was dancing unconciously"
Missing period. "Unconsciously".
I chuckled at this.
"She hadn't even been born when this chapter of Rarity's life played out to it's conclusion."
"It's" is a conjunction, "Its" is possessive.
"Her tiny face schruntced up and she stook her tongue out, "Horrible.""
"Scrunched". "Stuck".
"A brief question about how come Scootaloo didn't try finding out if dancing wasn't Scootaloo's special ability led to an explanation that Rainbow Dash was so cool and that what she wanted to do was follow her idol's wings in the sky and how silly it'd be for a pegasus pony to not fly."
I have to break this one up.
"A brief question about how come Scootaloo didn't"
Not wrong, but improper. "why Scootaloo didn't"?
"Scootaloo didn't try finding out if dancing wasn't Scootaloo's special ability"
Multiple negation. Try "was" in place of "wasn't". Redundancy, second "Scootaloo" could be "her".
""Really sis,""
Missing question mark.
""I hope she gets better use out of it then I did,""
"Than", not "Then".
""Don't be like please."
Missing "That"?
"Leviatating the dish into the sink"
"Levitating".
"she squirted a tiny bit of soap into her now empty bowl, noticing the tiny amount of bubbles swirling around as the water poured into the bowl"
Redundancy, bowl.
"then their wouldn't be books and movies about it either."
"There", not "Their". Comma before "either".
And this last one's not an objective criticism, just an opinion:
All of the references to bubbles throughout were great. Very sneaky, you sneaky thing. But then in the end you hit us over the head with it by bringing up Rarity's foiled attempts at romance and Bubblecup in pretty much the same breath, which kind of throws all of the subtlety out of the window.
Holy crap, that took me nearly three hours.
I hope this is helpful and not too off putting for you. I really like this story, but all of those little problems pile up and dilute it to the point that I felt I had to bring them up.
On the up side of things: I love this concept; Bubblecup's coat hanger incident and the dancing shoe both had me laughing out loud; Rarity and Sweetie Belle's exchange is very cute; Rarity's plight is well described, downright evocative.
I wish you nothing but the best, and eagerly await the next chapter.
I love the name Bubblecup. It's so sweet. And I love the way Rarity handles all of this.
I think you did fantastic work!
I hope I wasn't too heavy-handed with my last comment. Was listing every problem a bit over the top?
Anyway, just curious as to how the next chapter's coming.