The Tale of Crimson Gaze the Dreaded

xDan

xDan #1 · Mar 22nd, 2013 · 1 · 4 ·

Next time, think up an original name.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120422170221/falloutequestria/images/a/a4/Red_Eye.png

Thorlol

Thorlol #2 · Mar 22nd, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Everyone will confuse the name with Fo:E's Red Eye.

canonkiller

canonkiller #3 · Mar 22nd, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Ignore the comments above; Red Eye's a fine name, and not everything is related to Fallout; Equestria.

Stray Dog Kane

Stray Dog Kane #4 · Mar 24th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Is this story hated on the count of someone saying it is unoriginal or a rip off? I never read Fallout Equestria in my life, so how was I to know? Do you see Ottotune yelling at me for having a character named Fetch? A diamond dog named Fetch in Old legand made new? No, you don't moron!

I made a story about that Rainbow of Darkness item that pokes fun at it. I have a land of the blind with a one eyed ruler who is more crazy than evil (and a joke ship with Rarity I might add) played for laughs. Colossal dragon Diamond Tiara anyone? And no one noticed all those Dawn of War quotes I referenced, I'm so crushed! You make me sad.

Your fandom can choke on Iguana-on-a-stick! TM! On the other hand, if my writing is so sub par it least have the decency to say so. It's not that hard is it? Well, is it?

Octopus

Octopus #5 · Apr 13th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

This post is in no way intended as inflammatory, just simple feed back/critique. If you get nothing else out of this, it's that you have awesome ideas if this story is anything to go by.

Ok, let's get started...

The story of red eye the blood shot

I would recommend capitalising this correctly, as well as making it clearer that this line is the title, as opposed to a line in the story.

equestra

You need an editor/proof reader. You seem(ed) keen on continuing writing, so yes, get one. You may find this group useful. I'm not going to point out any other spelling/grammar errors but your blog posts indicate to me that you are aware this is a problem for you, which is a good first step.

The speaking styles of the Diamond Dogs is very inconsistant, moving from extremely stilted to average grammar. There's not usually that much difference in a group's speaking style. Additionally, the names of the Diamond Dogs are very... normal. Although they aren't ponies, as a reader it's quite jarring to go from "Rainbow Dash" to "Clifford". (Clifford the Dog reference?)

There's very little build up to finding the "Rainbow of Darkness". Why do we care? What are the legends? You've given us a perfectly good recount of what's going on, but neglected to give it any flair or background. Why does this Red Eye guy hold the power? There's many unexplained things that make the story feel bland and confusing.

The transition from Red Eye to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon should be announced. A series of dashes or other fancy break between the two paragraphs would help the reader understand that they are looking at a different scene.

Despite the stupidity of Diamond Dogs, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, it really does not make sense for the latter two to not run away at the sight of hulking grey creatures. Also, how did the DDs get through town to where DT and SS were? If they were picnicking in a secluded area, say so. Describe the serenity or whatever of where they are, and contrast it with the absurd disguises of the DDs.

Why do the Mane six care about the safety of two spoiled brats who have repeatedly tormented the CMC? While they do save the town on a regular basis, most of their stuff is town wide protection, not individuals unless it's a pony they care about. This kind of mischaracterisation, combined with the grammar and spelling is enough to make most people leave. It's a shame, because...

Okay, a magical artifact that can turn ponies into dragons is a cool idea. Description of some sort of ritual might have been cool to build up tension to the grand reveal.

And then... wow. The story just sort of falls over. Why does Tiara grow but not Silver? How could Red Eye, the guy who apparently kept all the Diamond Dogs under his control, be so stupid as to lose the rainbow thing? On top of that, the mane... er 4+1 arrive randomly. How did they find the place? Weren't there any obstacles? These are things that need to be explored.

The next bit feels thrown together, like you're just giving everyone something to do. Every part of the story, every action should have a purpose. Why have Twilight and Rarity faint just to be revived? The two magic users are knocked out - do something with it! However, even the fainting/revival could be played for laughs if it were in character, but we've seen both be more level headed in more surprising situations.

Ahh, thank you, background. It's a bit info dump-y and faces the major logic problem of many of it's kind - there is a massive dragon in close proximity. Why are you standing around reminiscing? More effective would be to fully write out the scenes and have Red Eye flash back, or to put them at the beginning of the story. This would also allow you to give the reader more information on Lassie and Sam, although, again, the normal names are disconcerting. If you were resolute about sticking to them, a reference to the weirdness of the names could be a funny moment.

Caps are rarely a good technique to show shouting. A short description of Rarity dramatically flinging herself about while shouting would be more effective.

After that, it's not too bad. Still a bit weird the amount of personal investment the mane 4+1 are putting into the Diamond Dogs but the resolution is good. I could also say stuff about pacing, but that applies to the whole and is linked with your lack of description. I am still left wondering where they are - Ponyville market? Sweet Apple Acres? Tell me about it.

Your author's note is a bit random. Keep to the subject. You also should not be talking commissions in a rambly manner - I'm not sure if you're offering commission or asking someone who's doing art commissions to contact you about a cover image. There is a group for cover art, if the latter case.

Overall, your concept is good, it's the execution that needs some work. P.R. also. Yes, it is totally up to you what you name your characters, but awareness is important, especially considering how little in this case the exact colour of his eye matters except maybe another reference/joke I didn't get? Even if you weren't inclined to read FO:E, that doesn't change how attached people are to these characters. I would liken it to making a character called Snowdrop (if you don't know her, look her up). Sure, it's a perfectly good name, and she might have perfect eyesight, reside in Apploosa and be mauve. You're still going to get criticism for being too similar to something already there and heavily ingrained in the minds of your readers. It's honestly much less fuss to retcon with a simple apology. As a reader looking for something interesting, when I see something with a heavy swing into the red, I read the comments first to get an idea of perhaps why. To see the author tell me my fandom can "choke on Iguana-on-a-stick!" is fairly discouraging. Most people can't be bothered to write a constructive comment, especially with something that clearly needs a proofreader.

I also wonder how much of this is reference? If it's something that no one will understand unless they have read or seen something, best to note that in the summary.

I hope you've found this useful. I won't argue any point with you, they're just my thoughts as I read through. Best of luck with your future writing.

Stray Dog Kane

Stray Dog Kane #6 · Apr 27th, 2013 · · ·

Reply

Have patched to version ver1.45. Fixed some bugs, added content free of charge, and edited out offensive names. This story will no longer offend Enclave members. Enclave remnants, Enclave sympathizers, and of course Fallout Equestra fans. Seeing as views are below a hundred...well...was it worth it? Got a feeling the answers no.

Jersey Lightning