This is a tale of a pony whose destiny is to protect lives. Although too young to understand, Vanguard is on the search for his 'real' destiny as he interacts with the ponies around him. With the aid of Princess Celestia, he will be going on adventures to discover himself more and maybe the future of Equestria.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hi there! I'm Scribblestick the Chill, and my destiny is to seek out stories with unusually high numbers of downvotes and find out why. This review will comprise three sections: First Impressions (cover art, description, and tags), The Story, and Final Thoughts. So, let's dive right in, shall we?
-First Impressions-
Your description isn't bad. I don't think it's stellar, but it's not bad. My suggestion is to make it less of a plot summary and more of a hook. Also, if you must include an author's note, put it at the bottom. Your readers want to know what your story is about. Also also, you don't need to explain why you chose certain tags. Your readers should be able to figure it out on your own.
I also don't recommend squeeing over your OC. It makes me think this Vanguard fellow is going to be a self-insert or a Gary Stu, or both.
Oh, it should be "he is too young." Grammar slips in the introduction give off bad vibes.
-The Story-
Prologue
Please don't put emoticons in your story.
Your grammar and word choice are... interesting. Not unreadable, just odd. I'm not really sure what to make of it.
I think there's a lot more you can do with this prologue. You've told me a bunch of stuff about your character, but I'd rather see it. Showing, rather than telling, makes a story more interesting and, more importantly, allows you to use your space more effectively. For example, if you described young Vanguard telling his parents about his ambitions and showed him interacting with his parents, you could easily start establishing Vanguard's character--who he is, how he acts, and so forth.
Chapter 1
Using * * to set off sound effects comes off as cheap. Be more descriptive, something like: "The sound of the train's rattling wheels made me both nervous and excited."
Please don't.
You're having a lot of trouble with verb tenses and agreement. Is that on purpose? If not, I recommend finding a good proofreader who can help you with that.
The other thing I'll say is that you're just telling us stuff. "I was nervous." "I was excited." "I was hungry." I don't feel like I'm seeing this story through Vanguard's eyes or really making a connection to him. Try to show his emotions instead of just telling us. "My front legs shook slightly." "My eyes widened at the sight." "My stomach growled, and I felt a little dizzy." Use details like this to describe his emotions and let us infer the rest.
-Final Thoughts-
It's not a terrible start, but it could use some work and polish. If you struggle with grammar, find someone who can help you, and try to work on showing instead of just telling.
Best of luck!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
Ouch you hit me right in the grammar.
No. Bad pony. Bad. Do not use emotes in your story.
This is pretty much useless. We want to see the character's conflicts, not have them told to us.
Chapter One.
Do not use asterisks. Ever.
That's the simple way out. Instead describe the scene.
Also space out your paragraphs more. Hit enter twice. (Though good job at hitting it once, some authors can't even do that).
Also you switch tenses a lot. I know it's difficult to keep in a single tense but at least try.
Another thing, back to showing and telling, is that you repeatedly tell what he's feeling, instead of showing it. Try to describe what's happening now. If he's nervous maybe he's playing with his hoof.
Depart means to leave. You mean arriving. Furthermore it wouldn't be 'on' but 'at'
This is a really awkward sentence. Well, more awkward than most of them here.
Would be a better sentence.
Egad. Egad egad egad. I lied when I said the last was was a really awkward sentence. That is paled in comparison to this.
The first sentence:
First: You change tense. It used to be in past tense but with that 'are' it turned into present tense.
Second: Any pony kind.
I'm starting to suspect English isn't your native language. Your syntax is all flipped around. Here, I corrected it below.
Second sentence.
Pegasus vs pegasi.
Pegasi is plural of pegasus. So use it when referring to more than on pegasus. Also don't capitalize pegasus. Pegasus with a capital refers to Heracule's flying horse.
*Facepalm*
*Headdesk*
HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING YOU CLEARLY KNOW? You just said you didn't know it was part of the castle. But how can you not know something that you just clearly stated you did.
Again. Show versus tell. Describe how he feels. Physical and mental differences.
Wait, wait wait wait wait wait. Why is Celestia here to greet this pony? Seriously. If it was because she did the same to Twilight that was because Twilight made a dragon pop out of the roof and made more lights than a Canada Day fireworks show. Your OC has done none of that.
Just another little peeve but what child refers to their mother as mother. They'd call them mom.
Yada yada yada. Remove those asterisks. Describe them.
Since when can phoenixes talk. Can Philomena talk? No, she never has talked.
No. Bloody. Emoticons.
Very knowledgeable, but wants to be named an almost derogatory term... egad.
Special attention to this sentence.
Slow down. Slow down. Boom. Suddenly dragon. Describe everything in more than just a few sentences. And you don't need to bold the words and add more than one exclamation mark.
Rainbow Dash was in Cloudsdale, not Ponyville. Cloudsdale was over the horizon so that's why Applejack thought it pointed to Ponyville.
*Throws down something heavy*.
Boom. OC X Twilight shipping. Calling it now.
Don't do it. People will hate you for it. Please, trust me. Take another angle. Introduce another OC. Anything but another Twilight X OC shipping.
Final thoughts:
You need some help with grammar. Search around for a proof reader who isn't your friend.
Good Luck.
Thorlol: The Angry Scarfer.
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images.cryhavok.org/d/13825-2/Wat.jpg
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It was early in the morning, I was trying to convey it wasn't the worst story but it wasn't the best.
2324771
It's fine, I was just funnin' with ya'. :3
2324779
I know.
I can't really say much since Scribs and Thor pointed out your mistakes for you, so I'm just here to reinforce them. This isn't the worst in terms of grammar and sentence structure, but there's certainly a whole lot of room for improvement. Tiny mistakes in grammar and spelling here and there really start to add up and take the readers' attention away from the actual story. And as for your sentence structure, many of them are either short or awkwardly phrased, usually stacked one after another. They don't flow together, and that starts to make the story feel choppy.
Basically, most of these mistakes can be easily fixed after doing a quick proofread, whether by you or another proofreader. Being the loving fanbase we are, I'm sure there are plenty of people willing to help you out.
So anyway, that's just my two cents.
Oh...and no emoticons ever. Unless you're commenting. Like this.
2325160
Okay
I'll try to improve it!
By the way, can I improve it by editing?
2323637
Um, I need to admit something
"The Phoenixes can't talk" thing:
I really wanted to do that and I know phoenixes can't talk.
Its just that I wanted to make 'Vanguard's pet' unique that the other phoenixes, thus making it interesting. This is fanfiction after all.
OC X Twilight shipping:
Impressions can make differences you know.
WHAT? They don't want that? That's okay. Oh yeah, I really have no intention of shippings by the way. I don't like it either
And the grammar:
and no offence.
... you know what? Not bad, good job. Maybe I need to go on an English summer class for the time being
PS. the emotions. Okay. Period
2328168
Ah. I'll address the phoenix thing.
You see, you could make it talk and be able to convey its emotions through speech or you could step out of your comfort zone and keep the phoenix non talking and instead describe its actions. If it's confused it tilts its head to the side and squawks. If it's happy it jumps around and is more lively and lets its wings spread a bit. If it's sad then its slow, plumage is duller, its head hangs low, you get the point.
You do not have to lower the intelligence by having no dialogue for it. Make it feel like a phoenix.
2328577
Okay. Thanks anyway.
Looks good so far, except for the grammar parts. Work hard, edit harder and it'll work.
Note: Why does the companion part remind me of Doctor Who?
2323637
I don't get it. What's wrong with OC and Twilight?
I tell is beginnings of a great story pls update