The curtain covering the glazed windowpane of the 45th Street Fillydelphia Donut Emporium flicked aside briefly. For a moment, those outside saw the disheveled, sweat-streaked face of an umber stallion glaring at them, and then the curtain fell back into place and he vanished.
Chief Daffodil spit out his cigar and ground it into the wet asphalt. The air stank of ozone and rain and the delicious, greasy lard scent still wafting from the donut shop’s kitchen vents. Once this was over, he was going to order a dozen strawberry glazeds, and maybe one of those cream-filled things with the chocolate on top.
Yeah, that’d be nice. Damn, he loved those things.
“Keep an eye on the window,” he muttered to the sergeant leaning over the hood of the cruiser-wagon beside him. “Don’t shoot unless the hostage is in clear danger. I don’t want a bloodbath.”
The sergeant’s ear flicked in acknowledgement. He cradled a sniper rifle in his hooves, using the wagon’s hood as a brace. The safety was off, and a single high-powered aerodynamic meringue pastry round lurked inside the weapon’s chamber. The chocolate-chip tipped bullet could fly faster than the speed of sound, expanded on impact, and contained a hard nougat penetrator. One of them would put an armored bison down for the count.
The chief’s earpiece popped and hissed. “Sir, the negotiators are here. Sending them forward.”
Them? The chief frowned. The department only had one hostage negotiator. Even a big city like Fillydelphia rarely needed that kind of trained professional.
A few seconds later and the mystery was solved. Chuck Roast, the department’s negotiator, ducked under the police tape strung across the street. Beside him, so short she just walked beneath the tape, was a lemony unicorn with a bobbing flame mane. She stuck close to Chuck’s side, her ears tucked low.
“Chuck.” The chief gave him a nod. “Thanks for coming so fast. Who’s the filly?”
“Hey ‘Daff.” The negotiator bumped the chief’s outstretched hoof, then gave the filly at his side a gentle nudge. “This is Summer Sweets, my apprentice. She got her cutie mark last week negotiating a tense standoff at her school playground. Bully wouldn’t give up the swingset until she talked him down.”
“Oh, wow!” A broad smile cracked the chief’s face. “Congratulations!”
A wave of cheers and polite applause followed. A detective ruffled the filly’s mane. The sniper’s ears flapped like semaphores. Summer Sweets blushed at the attention and pressed against Chuck Roast’s side.
“So, what’s the situation?” Chuck asked. He stepped up beside the sniper and squinted at the donut store.
“Hold-up went wrong. Stallion passed a note to the cashier, said he had a pie and wanted access to the vault. The manager set off the alarm and the perp panicked. Everyone got out but the cashier.”
Chuck nodded. “Does he really have a pie?”
“Not sure. Manager said he had a trench coat. Could’ve hid anything under there.”
“Okay. Okay. We can do this.” Chuck closed his eyes and let out a long, slow breath. He turned, took the megaphone from the sergeant, and passed it to Summer Sweets.
“Alright, Sweetie,” he said. “Just like we practiced.”
The filly grabbed the megaphone in her magic. It wobbled a bit, and she propped her front legs on the wagon’s hood for support.
“What’s his name?” she whispered.
“Bric-a-brac,” the chief whispered back.
The filly nodded, and the megaphone crackled to life. “Bric-a-brac! We know you’re in there! We just want to talk!”
Silence responded. All held their breath. Even the wind and birds seemed to freeze.
A loud crack shattered the silence as the donut shop door burst open. Bric-a-brac stepped out, one foreleg wrapped around a teenage colt’s neck. In the other he held a cream pie, just inches from the colt’s face. It trembled.
“Stay back!” he shouted. “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”
“Calm down, Bric-a-brac. Nopony has to get hurt. What do you want?”
“I’m not going back to jail! I want a car and a pardon from the princess!”
“Okay, we can do that,” Sweets said. “But first you need to let that colt go.”
Bric-a-brac’s grip tightened. A curl of cream touched the colt’s cheek, leaving a white smear. “You think I’m stupid? Huh? No! He stays with me!”
“I’ve got a shot,” the sniper whispered.
“Not yet,” Sweets grunted. Then, into the megaphone, “You’re cracking up, Bric! There’s only one good ending here, and that’s if you let the colt go! Now, I’m going to count to three, and—”
But she didn’t get to count to three. Bric-a-brac panicked, or something startled him, and before anypony could move he smashed the pie into the colt’s face. There was a scream, high, that cut off with a wet squelch.
The sniper’s bullet took Bric-a-brac square in the chest. It blossomed with flakey pastry bits and cream, and Bric-a-brac went down with a thud. Police and paramedics swarmed forward.
Summer Sweets stood, her mouth hanging open. The megaphone trembled and fell into Chuck Roast’s hoof.
“But, but…” she trailed off with a whimper. “I did...”
“It’s okay,” Chuck Roast said. “It happens. Like, my first seven all ended this way.”
“Heh, yeah, I remember those,” the chief said. “Messy. Anyway, you guys want some donuts? I’m buying.”
Seriosly? Are sugared pineapple grenades a thing there?
If this, is Pinkie a weapon(cake) dealer? And Apples once were the scourge of the Wild West with their famous revolver(apple pie) mastery, but then some of them settled down?
7306335 ... I would read the out of a fic like that.
Wise move to put this in the shorts collection. It's pretty much perfect as it is. Expanding it would water it down more likely than not. Thanks for putting it up on Fimfiction.
The whole pastry-as-weapons thing really doesn't work for more serious adventure stuff or such, but for a story like this, it's absolutely perfect.
Yet another reason why Pinkie Pie is the most dangerous pony in Equestria. It's right there in her name.
7306419 It's Earth Pony baking magic. It makes cupcakes tastier and bake faster, with more output from less ingredients.
The same principles also work for potions. The more steps involved, the more chances there are for the magic to amplify the effects. So, first you mix up a poison, which already works better than anyone else's poison would, but then you bake it into a pie, step by step... by the time you've got the finished product it'll put down a buffalo.
(that's the explanation I was using in a never-finished epic pony war story, anyway)
Something similar is why Applejack was using such an elaborate method to feed her pigs. If you just dump a bucket of scraps in a huge trough you'll barely feed, like, one pig, but if you make a big production of it...
Congrats, Ciggy, I'm officially laughing so hard I'm crying. Well DONE, sir!
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7306419
Certainly gives a whole new meaning to Anarchist's Cookbook...
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Now I have this image of the Pie dynasty somewhat akin to Equestria's version of Vyacheslav Molotov; Pies (the weapons) were named after Pinkie's great great great...great grandfather who was a military contemporary to Hurricane.
Hilarious with irony.
They got nothing on those girls from Ponyville town hall.
They have pie charts.
Probably the only use for a sniper rifle in canon Equestria. When asked "what about hunting," one would likely say, "You madpony! Seriously, killing innocent... err... bodies? I mean, I understand for food, but if you're in a place with animals there's grass."
Oh, man, this is just perfect.
It's so serious and so silly at the same time.
Yeah, I'm seconding Admiral Biscuit here.
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"You're a madmare! You can't serve tomato pie as a dessert, even if it IS a fruit!"
"Mwa ha!"
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Igneous married a rock farmer's daughter and moved out into the countryside, thinking that was far enough to leave the "family business" behind him. But blood runs thicker than custard...
Coming this summer*: A History of Pie-olence
* - Probably not actually. Not from me, anyhow. If anyone wants to steal this idea, it's yours. Maybe drop me a PM so I can see how it turned out.
If only.