Caelus and Aurora are the king and queen of Equestria; a land where magic flourishes and ponies live in prosperity. Truly, Equestria is a land of balance. Celestia and Luna are heirs to the throne, and stand to inherit the sun and the moon very soon. Gleeful at this prospect, Celestia eagerly prepares for the day when her time will come to control the sun
Discord has always had a thing for the sporadic. Imbued at a young age with the Spirit of Chaos, Discord finds immense pleasure in his namesake. Yet, this wasn't always the case. An eternity ago, when the Princesses were young, he had a different name. A real name.
Contains Discord and Celestia romance.
Image is not mine. It is the result of the brilliance resulting from a google search. If anyone wants to draw me some cover art, feel free
Two centuries is 200 years-did you mean 2,000 years?
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You would be correct. 2000 years would be 2 millennia.
You know, I actually had it written originally as "Two millennia."
I suppose this is what I get for second-guessing myself.
a few spelling errors here and there, of course i didnt mind at all, thoroughly though i enjoyed this story alot, the names, the places the entire idea of what exactly happened when he was encased in the stone like that is ba-bam in the face. its been awhile since i said "oh shit" out loud from a story man, excellent job in my opinion. thumbs up and a favorite from me broski.
This is one of those stories that I couldn't finish. It had so many technical errors and pacing missteps that I stopped around the 1,000 word mark.
It opens with tell-y exposition. The narration bluntly and explicitly tells the audience Celestia's feelings and concerns. She also expounds on her family's setup and characteristics for no reason other than to dump info on the reader.
It also describes (at length) things that the audience already knows. Things like the appearances of characters and their relationships are given a disproportionate amount of attention, even though it can be safely assumed the reader knows most of this. The story spends an entire 200 word paragraph on describing Discord's appearance, for instance.
Many of the sentences meander or include useless information. The narration often goes on tangents or repeats itself. There's lots of padding and qualifiers that don't add anything to the meaning of sentences. There's also a significant number of typos or misused words. All this adds up to a story that is very difficult to read. Some examples of what I mean:
Misuse of phrase: usually this phrase is only use when someone is reacting to a situation. Since the king is the one making the decision, this reads awkwardly.
Meandering sentence, lots of clauses, tell-y
Tell-y/redundant information
Not what that word means.
The plot feels somewhat contrived (from the small part I read). While the idea that Discord and Celestia's relationship began as a sort of rescuer/rescued dynamic is nice, the details lack subtlety and believability. A bunch of teenage bullies beating up Discord for being different clashes so badly with the show, and the story doesn't explain itself well enough to turn this situation into a good hook.
Middle English is accurate, from what I can tell. I'm far from a capable judge, but I didn't notice any glaring inaccuracies in the way it was structured.
Overall, this story was a chore to read. I couldn't finish it enough to make any real comment on the plot or do a full review on it. You mentioned yourself that it had a lot of technical issues, and you were not exaggerating.
I think that if you want advice on how to improve your writing, then you need to ask yourself some questions about every sentence: could this sentence be divided into smaller sentences without losing anything? Does this clause need to be here? Does the audience know this information already? Is this information crucial to the story?
If you are having trouble asking these questions of your own writing, then I highly recommend getting an editor/prereader who will be able to help you pinpoint word cruft and wandering.
From what I read, this story really does not need to be 11,000 words long. Another thing you might consider is trying to write stories that do not go past X words. While setting arbitrary limits isn't a great way to write stories, it can reinforce an important principle about writing. Every word matters. Every word you put in the story should have a purpose. If there is no purpose or not enough purpose, it needs to be removed.
Of course there are exceptions to this and every principle of writing. One needs to be able to follow the rules, however, before they can effectively judge when to break them.
Some additional reading:
Show Don't Tell
The Law Of Conservation Of Detail
If you have any questions, of course feel free to ask