A Heart of Fire

by Web of Hope

Chapter 1: The Hospital Pt. 1

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was that her throat hurt. Like, tried-to-drink-glass-shards painful. She opened her eyes slowly, and was surprised to find herself not in her room in her family’s apartment, but in a hospital bed, hooked up to some medical stuff. Determined not to panic, she looked around the room, and realized the quiet murmur she heard was that of a strange dark grey -almost black- pegasus stallion standing just outside the door to the room, talking to a nurse. Before she could begin to hear what was being said, the nurse glanced her way, and started when she realized her patient was awake. The stallion turned to look, smiled, and bid the nurse fare well. The nurse left, off to help some other poor sap stuck in another bed.

The stallion stepped into the room and closed the door gently. His eyes were white-blue, and his cutie mark was a pair of opposing lightning bolts inside the silver outline of a shield. His mane was the same dark grey as his coat. All in all, not much stuck out about him, with the exception of an earring bearing the Sun-and-Moon, the sigil of the Kingdom of Equestria.

“Good morning. I’m glad to see you're finally awake.” All with a kind, warm smile and gentle tone as he came to sit next to her bed.

The filly began to say something, but stopped when her throat flared up even more painfully.

“Shh, don’t talk, you inhaled a lot of smoke last night. Here, drink this.” He passed her a cup of water that had been sitting on her bedside table. “The doctor tells me you’ll be in a bit of pain for the next few days, but you should be fine after that. Now, I understand you must have questions, and I’ll answer everything soon, but please bear with me. My name is Sunny, I’m working with the guard.” He reached back to the table and grabbed a notepad and pencil which she hadn’t noticed. “Here, can you write your answers on this?” she nodded. “Good. Let’s start easy: What’s your name?”

Spitfire She turned the pad so he could see.

“Okay Spitfire, can you tell me where you live?”

4927 Puddinghead Blvd. Apt. 4D

“And who lives there with you?” His expression became a bit more serious with this question

My Mom, Dad, and Grandma Whirlwind At this, sadness flashed in his eyes, so quickly that Spitfire wasn’t sure she’d seen it at all. “I see…do you have any other family?”

Brother in Canterlot, Rapidfire “Do you know his address?” She nodded again. “Good. I want you to flip to the next page, and write down his name and address for me. Can you do that?” One more nod as she complied.

Once done, she offered the notepad to the guard. He accepted it, and tore out the page she had just finished. He then returned the pad to her lap, and stepped out of the room. It was a few more minutes until he returned without the page, a somber look on his face.

“Alright, hopefully your brother should be here in a day or two. I have one more question: What’s the last thing you remember before you woke up here? Any and every detail you can give me will help.”

Spitfire wracked her brain for answers, but the only thing her remembered was Dinner. Mom and Dad were fighting…something about Rapid…I was scared…they were in the living room…grandma was sitting in her chair, telling them to keep it down. They got louder and louder…and then this bright light just…appeared. That’s all.

He watched her as she wrote all of this, listening even though his mind was clearly elsewhere.

After a few moments thought, he looked at her again. “Thank you, that helps clear up quite a lot, actually. Now then: as promised, I will answer any questions you may have.”

It was true, she did have a lot of questions, not the least of which were What happened? Why am I in the hospital??

He hesitated, gauging her for how much of the truth she was ready for. The reply was quiet, hushed in remorse. “There was a fire last night at your apartment. As I said, you inhaled a lot of smoke. I believe you were unconscious for most of that time though, so you didn’t take in as much as you might have otherwise.”

There was another question she was afraid to ask…but she had to know the answer: Where are my parents?

At this, Sunless Dawn looked away, unable to hold the filly’s gaze. It took him a few moments to find his voice, and when he spoke again, it was with a heavy heart. “The doctors are still identifying all the remains from last night, but there’s little doubt in my mind; I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid your parents are dead.”

The world seemed to stop and fall away. Disbelief warred with confusion in Spitfire's young mind; Mom...Dad...dead? Gone? Was that even a thing? Could that even happen?? No she decided. He must be wrong. He's lying!

Without thinking she launched herself at the horrid intruder who thought he could take her parents away. She hit him full force, shoving him onto his back on the floor, mindlessly thrashing and screaming in fury.

It didn't do much good, since he immediately grabbed hold of her hooves and held her at arm's length. She quickly lost strength, and with it, her rage. Spitfire collapsed against the guard she had been trying to pummel, crying desperately under the realization that her parents truly were gone.

He held her there, comforting her as best he could, until she cried herself to sleep.

~(S)~

I was just a foal, playing happily in their old house. My parents were watching me over steaming cups of coffee. But something was wrong, the normally cool greens and blue of the house were different. Warm colors mixed with the normal cool ones, making the house take a sickly yellow-orange hue. I looked around, and realized that the walls were blazing with fire, and tongues of flame licked at the table Mom and Dad were sitting at. all at once, we were all engulfed. They never noticed.

It was my first day of school, and I was sitting at my first desk bouncing with excitement. I didn't know any of the other foals, but that was okay; they'd all be my new best friends soon enough. That's what happened at school, right? The teacher hadn't come in yet, and when the door opened we all turned to see. Standing in the doorway was a pony made entirely of fire, and as she walked in, the flames spread with every step. The others started looking concerned as the flames touched them. Right before the flames reached me, I saw her face.

In the living room of the family's apartment, Mom and Dad were arguing again. It must have been the millionth time by now, and they always just said the same old stuff; Dad worried that Rapid was becoming a no-account bum, Mom defending him, telling Dad to back off, at least Rapid has a paying job. As they argue, the flames slowly came back, slowly building as the argument became more heated. Suddenly, right as things came to a head, Dad finally lost his temper. As he reached out to slap Mom, a huge bright light flashed.

When it cleared, the room was charred black. Mom and Dad had been thrown against the wall, left as nothing but charred husks. Grandma Whirlwind was still in her chair burning, laughing, facing the corner. Then her chair turned, and her face was the same one I'd seen in my classroom

The hospital, me in the bed again. The guard who'd been there sat on the floor, watching me, waiting for something. I felt something brushing against my hoof, almost like cloth in a wind, and looked down. There were the flames again, brushing up against me like kittens. The sheets started burning, turning black. I looked back at the guard, and behind him, my family stood. Mom, Dad, and Grandma charred to the bone. Rapid behind them. And next to the guard, the same fire-pony sat, scorching the floor where she touched. She grinned with that same face, and lunged at me. The last thing I saw was her face flying at me hungrily.

My face.

~(S)~

Comments

[Clodd Hopper]

Damn, you stole my title. I was going to write a story with the exact same title (completly different premise though) but not having a computer makes it impossible to write it right now. So in all fairness you got it first and now I have to think of a new one.

[Web of Hope]

2155405
hah, sorry I'm still not even sure i like the title, but i guess it's a bit late now

[Arkenai]

2155405
Consider removing the 'A'. Does that give the same effect? If not, try playing around with adjectives. Also, I've seen two fics in the featured box in the space of a few days which both had the same name, and they were definitely different fics.

Web of Hope - Grammar Nazi inbound. Just so you know, this isn't an attack on your writing skills, it's to try and help you.

The moon’s prisoner shadow watched the land and skies,

This doesn't really seem to make sense. I assume you mean Nightmare Moon being imprisoned in the moon - perhaps 'The imprisoned shadow of the moon' or 'The imprisoned shadow in the moon' would work better. Kind of a nice line though.

three Pegusi traveled as they had the past hour, in silence.

I believe the correct plural of pegasus is pegasi, and that despite certain spellcheckers it doesn't need capitalization. If it was referring to one pegasus, as in myth, then it would be a proper noun and need capitalization. In this world, however, pegasus does not need capitalization. I really wanted to go off on a tangent about 'travelled' but it's an American/British thing.
'As they had in the past hour, in silence' is a bit of a weird way to put it. I would swap the order - 'in silence, as they had in the past hour'.

blue mane so light it was almost white itself,

Remove the 'itself'.

nervous concern shining through what little bravado his could muster

The 'his' should be 'he'. 'Could' is a verb, and not a noun that can be possessed.

edges of the blaze, Brave earth ponies dressed

'Brave' should not be capitalized. It's an adjective in the middle of a sentence. Also note that you haven't capitalized 'earth ponies' here - if you're going to capitalize species such as Pegasi you need to be consistent. You also haven't capitalized unicorns, so for the reasons I stated earlier and for consistency I think you shouldn't capitalize Pegasi.

The Pegusi tasked

See previous points.

The blue colt saluted

Colt, or stallion? This is somewhat like the difference between filly and mare - are the young ponies doing this kind of work?

A nod from the white Pegasus, never one for wasting words.

The pegasus point has already been noted. I feel that this sentence needs a verb, though.

Every floor heightened their growing remorse

'Heightened their growing remorse' is a bit of an odd way to put this. Remorse is generally used for regrets about doing something wrong, and 'heightened' is an odd verb to be using. 'With every floor, their sorrow grew' might be a decent alternative, if you want to keep using more advanced synonyms of 'sad'. When doing something like this though do a quick definition check.

Odd though Sunny reflected as he checked the burned husks for any sign of life.

Needs a comma between 'odd though' and 'Sunny reflected'. Also, change it to something like 'It's odd, though,' in italics to show that it's thought rather than speech.

trade uneasy glances was what laid in the center of the burn

'Lay'.

At the epicenter of what would come to be known as the Manehattan Inferno, a lone Pegasus filly lay unconscious, and perfectly unscathed.

HAHA BRITISH SPELLING /PRIDE

I think there were a few things I missed.
That last section caught my interest though. I might actually read some more of this.
I suggest getting a pre-reader. A pre-reader can catch all of the mistakes I've pointed out to you here before you put the fic up, where it gets butchered for all to see like I just did.
Keep at it, you'll improve and you have a nice premise.

[Web of Hope]

2156043
I appreciate the feedback leeeet's see what we can do to fix some of this mess
a few counterpoints, though

Remove the 'itself'.

the 'itself' was being used to refer back to his coat color indirectly

Colt, or stallion?

Colt, as it's referring to the youngest of the three, who i did mention is fairly young. maybe it wasn't clear?

HAHA BRITISH SPELLING /PRIDE

well, how else would you spell it?

[Arkenai]

2156559
Center is often spelt centre. I feel happy when I see it spelt center.
The 'itself' doesn't refer back to the white very well - 'as well' or 'too' would work better.
You did actually make it clear that the colt/stallion was young - I was curious as to which side of 'stallionhood' he was on.

[Web of Hope]

2156568
huh...I would have thought 'Epicentre' would be the british way, given a choice between the two...considering 'theatre' and all
I'll think on the 'itself' thing: it's a good point, but I'm not sure yet how I want to resolve it...
Wave is fairly young at this point; fifteen, specifically...it will probably be more important later in the story